and to think HELL is worse than this

Well, I hope by now Tom and Judy have made it home safe. It was such a blessing to me to have them here, to give me a distraction, to pray for Jim, and to encourage him. As I said months ago, and to Judy today, nothing has staying power, tho. They would have stayed longer, but I encouraged them to go home as planned. They weren't gone 2 hours before the next new "what in the heck do we do now" struggle comes.

In the last 24 hours, Jim has thrown up 1900 ml. And he is throwing up his pain meds, and many others, so pain is up, etc. And he's not moving his bowels.

He had an Xray today. The bowel obstruction that has always been there is larger. THE ANSWER:

The doctor wants to put in a nasal gastric tube up Jim's nose, down his throat and into his stomach so that he stops throwing up bile and brown stuff that should be going down, rather than up. Unfortunately, it stays there. How long? Could be days...weeks..... It's painful going down, and uncomfortable while it's in. Jim also has thrush in his mouth and throat from the chemo. So, that would be added discomfort.

Benefits:

• Less nausea
• No throwing up
• AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS that will help protect Jim's bowel from rupturing, or leaking into his blood stream. With Jim's white blood cells going down the tubes because of the chemo, if either of those things would happen, it would probably mean that Jim would die because his body could not fight off the poison, since his immune system is compromised from the chemo.

The non-benefits:

• Hurts going in.
• Can cause the thrush to go to the esophagus, which is painful
• Hurts while it is in
• Jim will have to receive all his meds by IV, including the pain medicine. It takes tons of dilauded to make up for 450 Mg's of Oxycontin a day. And since there are no oral meds, he can't get his stool softeners, lactulose, milk of mag, etc. So, HOW DOES THIS HELP THE BLOCKED INTESTINES????? It doesn't. Only the tumor shrinking will help that.

Jim's decision is :

• No tube. They can keep giving enemas, or whatever. If the bowels perforates, then that's the way it's supposed to be.

They will continue to give enemas and that might work at the obstruction, or not. They can keep him on his bowel regimen, and hopefully he won't throw it up. And if the chemo starts to shrink the tumor, then that will help his colon. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't matter anyway.

I told Judy, "I'm fried." That's all I say. I'm fried. And I am. But I also told her that I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, ready to fight, what comes. I'm just a bit battle worn, and by evening..."I'm fried."

So, "I'm fried." I'm going to the lodge and going to bed...after I do some of Jim's laundry. I don't ever want my dear husband to die, ever. But I do want this insanity to stop. I don't want this to take me to where I lose my morning smile. I used to have a morning until 10 p.m. smile. Then, slowly, it's started to get shorter, where it only lasts until about 3:00 p.m. or until some medical emergency sneaks in. Lately, it's been gone before lunch because of all the emergencies Jim has been in since he got here. If all of this saves his life, well, won't we be glad. If it doesn't, we can at least know we've done our best. If the Lord should take Jim, I know then, too, I won't wake up with a morning smile either. Not for a long time. And I'll be working backwards to that goal. I know the morning smile will come back eventually, but it will be a little off kilter, cause no one can make me smile like my Jumbo.

Pray for Jim.

Us

Sunday

Well, I'm still at the hotel, so I don't know how Jim is this morning, but yesterday was a bit better in important ways for his numbers. His blood pressure was down (raised a bit at night) but still okay. His oxygen saturation numbers were a bit better when the oxygen was off, unless he exerted himself too much, and his creatinine and bilirubin were better as well. He is voiding much better as well. He walked about 100 feet, using a walker, which is pretty good.

The nausea wasn't very great.

Judy and I took a drive around Washington DC. We wanted to go and wave to George and say goodbye and thanks, but low and behold, you can't drive down Pennsylvania Avenue anymore. If it wasn't so late and parking so much, I would have insisted to park and take a walk. But I was cold and if they come down here again, we'll do that next time. I was cold because we went to Arlington Cemetary to see the changing of the guard. I'm not sure why, but that place reminds me, Mrs. Obama, that there are many reasons why I'm proud to be an American. After the election, it did me good to walk through this honorable cemetary and to see something done because it's just GOOD.

Tom stayed with Jim, and Jim mostly slept, which was good. I often kid around about Jim feeling better when Tom is around. And no, Tom, has no special touch or magic about him. He loves Jim as he loves all his brothers and sisters. And Jim loves Tom, as he loves all his brothers and sisters. I just wanted to state that because you have all been so wonderful to me and Jim.

However, I've decided it must be me. Because after Tom and Judy left...not 5 minutes later, wasn't Jim throwing up, and his BP went up a bit. They say that people that have been sick as long as Jim has can get association sickness. They get sick when they see certain foods, or walk into the cancer center door, or see a specific nurse, etc. Well, I sure hope I'm not making Jim sick. :) Otherwise, I'm going to have to travel far away to some island with blue water and let you guys take care of him, so that I quit making him sick. Whaddaya think??????

I didn't think so.

Anyway, have a blessed Sunday. I don't know when we are coming home, but I sure miss home.

Love Gloria

QUICK update...yeah, like when am I ever quick...

Okay expedience...

JIM:

• His bad liver numbers are 1/2 better than yesterday.
• His kidney numbers are almost close to normal
• His blood pressure which was 145 over 96 is going back down.
• His pulse is down from 145 to 88.
• His oxygen is still low, but that's because of the narcotics, but it's a bit better
• We actually had a conversation on the phone today, something we have not had in a very long time.
• He is voiding again, so the water is starting to come off. He has a long way to go yet, but he's in the right direction.
• Yesterday is the first time he had not complained of pain.
• HE THREW UP 3 TIMES....WE'RE BACK THERE AGAIN. That gets capital letters cause it involves me. :( ;)

I SWEAR IT'S TOM. Jim gets better when Tom's around. ;)

ME:

• Not sleeping well.
• Having a very hard time grieving the loss of this trial. Having a hard time accepting it.
• Now, I am just putting my hope in God, not for a cure, not for relief, not for anything. Just putting my hope in God. (On the advice of a good friend, despite us not really knowing what that looks like all the time, huh Rach? Hoping in God doesn't mean hoping for...fill in the blank. ) But I'm tired of statistics, percentages and in hoping that Jim gets better. With all the timing and stuff, I thought, "This is it, the miracle we've been waiting for, because so many with Jim's exact cancer were cured..." So, we're back to the puke bucket, but I'm not going down any more hope in anything bunny trails. This includes. This book, or that book. This alternative medicine, or that. Communion, prayers, healing services, drugs, trials, faith in faith, etc. I have felt like ragdoll carried around by a 2 year old, with my head spinning from all the suggestions and percentages and strong armed tactics and wheeling and dealing etc. I'm pooped. Jim's not given up, but I have. Not in Jim or God, but I've given up hoping in anything but getting through each day as it comes. :) I guess that's okay, huh?

YOU:

• If family, get those blood tests done.
• If not, thanks for loving us friends. We need it bad.

That was quick, huh?

PS for some: I got my mail. Thanks for the cards, anniversary, etc. And Bonnie, I LOVE LOU GIGLIO. Sorry, but I purchased all 3 CD's from that series a while ago, and actually just rewatched that particular one about hope not so long ago, because, as I said above. We were hoping in outcomes, rather than hoping in the author of outcomes. I'm going to pass is along. Has your mom seen it yet? I haven't had a chance to read your letter tho, because I didn't want to read it until I was with Jim and he could hear it. We love you, you sweetheart, you.

That last paragraph didn't make it unquick, did it?

Oh, I'm bad. I should be paying my and my dad's bills, while Tom and Judy are on the bucket brigade, but here I am doing e-mail and updates. Opps. Tee hee hee.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I am thankful that I still have my Jumbo.

I am also thankful that Tom and Judy sacrificed their special time with their family to come and spend Thanksgiving for us. I needed them to be here badly because Jim was so bad.

Today, however, Jim is doing much better. What a difference a day makes...or a bag of poison.
He has not complained of pain once. He has gone to the bathroom in all ways. He has urinated more in the past 24 hours, than he has in the last 5 days. He has gained over 23 pounds of water, so hopefully he'll start to drop it again.

I found out that they took him off celebrex, which caused him to go into great pain. Okay, let me back up and just say this and get it off my chest. They believe the trial was not working for lots of reasons, and they were probably right. But I wasn't sure. And they weren't either, and they felt they had to do something. And they didn't want to do lasix....hard the kidney. Well, so is chemo, but they are the docs and we just have to trust and the best of the best is here, sooo...I think the main thing is this. I have not grieved the loss of the UCN-01 trail "not working." I have to let it go, but I am having the hardest time. And one of the main reasons is it has cured soooooooo many with the same kind of cancer. 5 years clean. And counting the radiation and UCN01, Jim has had 6 treatments, 9 counting, alternatives, and NOTHING has worked, and I don't have any hope left. So, Tom and Judy coming has helped me in this too. Not that I have more hope, but to just help me process all of this.

I would have done whatever Jim wanted. The docs saying that they wouldn't do this just to give Jim 2 months, helped me be okay with it. But me, nah, UCn-01 was what I thought would do the trick. And it was so gentle on the body compared to chemo and stem cell. Oh well.

I just wanted to tell you all of that and to let you know that Jim at least is doing better on the new chemo, or at least the prednisone has kicked in. He's doing weird things like blowing on cobwebs and seeing black frogs, and sewing, and....from all the narcotics. But he's better, eating, etc. He still needs lots of prayers and such.

Well, look at that. No posts all day. Tom and Judy leave, and I continue to talk talk talk....I noticed that. 10 to 15 hours sitting at the hospital day in day out can make you nuts. Thank you T & J for bringing some sanity to my day, this holiday, and your love, all of your love, that helps my soul.

I love you all. Jim does too, but he doesn't know right now because he's got to go and get the wood????

Oh, quickly. Jim is on a special bed because of bed sores, and it can vibrate and even pulsate the lung area, well he had me turn the vibration up up UP and do all kinds of things. At one point, he started shaking like he was having a heart attack. He did it so well, we started to get scared and I had to point blank ask if he was faking, which he was. But poetically (unfortunately) the vibration , while it didn't make him have a heart attack, it made him sick, and he lost his Thanksgiving dinner. Even, sick, he's such a turkey.

Bad pun, huh?

Love you guyses
Jim and Dolly
And
Tom and Judy, too

e-mail address

I cannot get my e-mail as I've said.

I have not read 1 e-mail that you have sent since we have been gone. So if you have to e-mail me.....

Jimlovesruby@yahoo.com

I can't e-mail any of you because I don't have your e-mail addresses memorized.

I may not be able to write back, but at least if you want to write something extended or something personal, you can e-mail me at the above address.

Phone e-mail, etc., chemo

Hi Guys:

Tom and Judy are on their way here, and I am so thankful for this.

My cell phone is a piece of crap, and that's why I can't call any of you. June. I wanted to give you my account number. Jim's tele # is 301-451-2972. Call if you still want it. Others, please restrict calling. The phone scares him, and he can't talk anyway. You can call on it now if you want to. I will be here for awhile. It's okay to call while I am here, but there is no way I can let you know I am here, unless I post. But I'm usually here.

Jim decided to do the EPOCH because it's not a standard treatment, in that they are adding different ingredients that they wouldn't do at the regular hopt. because of insurance companies and such. The doctors said that they would not in any way recommend this chemo or the stem cell transplant if they didn't think that Jim could reach long term remission or cure by either of these options. They wouldn't recommend this so that Jim could live 2 or 3 more months. They said that is not their position. They said Jim is young, and they are good at getting cancer to obey. There are no guarantees however. But that's okay because Jim isn't ready to give up yet. He could end up in the ICU however because the tumor burden is so large and causing lots of problems, and the new chemo will be taxing to his organs as well, so that isn't going to help him right away. So, continue to pray for him. I don't want him to die down here....or at home. I hate the whole home hospice stuff. And pray for Johnny, too. I know this is breaking his heart.

This will be an odd Thanksgiving for many of us. The whole Jim thing. I'm not home. No sister, no Johnny. Gina and Crunch, my niece and nephew have miscarried their baby, and she's in the hopt. and many in the Baldauff family are sick.

And for the first time in my adult life I won't be up at 3 a.m. standing in line for some stupid gift. But I will miss that. It was fun, I met people, and most importantly, if I was doing it, it would mean life were back to normal for me. :) Jim went with me 2 years ago. Last year, he was in too much pain, but the year before he went, and he loved it too. We had so much fun meeting people in line, sharing a common goal of saving a few bucks, drinking coffee to stay warm. Jim loved it. We had so much fun. It's those things that make people say yes to yet another chemo regimine. We pray it will work, of course.

Pray for a safe trip for Tom and Judy, too. This is the busiest traveling day in the year. And pray for safe travel for John and Leah, too, as they come into Pittsburgh. I was supposed to cook turkey, but that isn't happening. I'm not sure if my sister will be, with Gina miscarrying the baby. Someone make sure my babies (John and Leah) are okay and have some family around them. They are sad about their dad too, and I don't want them to feel lonely. And today is Leah's Birthday.

Okay, I'm rambling, trying to control something I think I can control, like....that whole last paragraph thing. I'm nervous. Very nervous.

Love Gloria

emergency prayer needed again

Hi Everyone:

Doc came in. They do not think the trial is working. They want to give Jim standard EPOCH chemo in hopes that it will shrink the tumor mass, in hopes for a stem cell transplant. We have to okay this. Jim's blood pressure is 155 over 96. His bilirubin is up. Heart rate is 135. He could end up in ICU with this treatment.

Jim still wishes he could wait and see if the trial is working by them giving him lasix and getting this now 22 pounds of water off his waist. Jim is very despressed.

We don't know what to do. He's considering coming home to die. I don't know what to do.

Please pray for us or the doctors.

It's hard not knowing what the Lord is doing until after it's done.

Thanks
Us

Sorry

Hey guys:

I'm sorry I had my pity party on you guys if it caused you concern and worry over Jim and I. The aloneness is the hardest, and I guess it just came boiling out. I don't think I slept any better. I slept worse, but I think i had some good insight during my tossing and turning. yesterday, I should have NOT gone shopping to look for a night shirt for Jim, despite me wanting to help him. I was just too tired. I HAVE to start taking care of myself, but I just don't know how to do that when my dear Jim needs me more. I just don't know how to do that.

Well, no news on Jim. Except he had level 10 pain last night. He now has about 20 pounds of water. His heart rate is up and they have him on oxygen, I think, because all this water in his cells his causing him problems. But that's just a wife diagnosis. :)

The team is here.

Day from Hell

Hi everyone:

I am NOT homeless. I am not homebound, either. I have no idea what is going on with Jim. It doesn't seem like anybody is connected to anybody when it comes to Jim's health care. I don't know when we are coming home. I am sooooo tired and sooooo lonely.

This day was so bad. I cried most of it. After the first 8 hours of hell, I hobbled out of sears with no PJ's for Jim, ready to go to the hotel and crash. He calls to tell me that he is moving out of his room into a private room, that I have to go back there and move all his stuff. I then walked back to the hopt. It took me about 7 trips down the hall, but finally got him situated. Moving him into a private room does not sound like he's coming home any time soon. So, as I wobbled back home from my legs and feet so swollen from being on them all day, freezing because my only coat's zipper broke, I couldn't wait for a hot bath. No hot water.

Time for my cherrios dinner.

Sorry I won't be home for your birthday, Leah. I wish you a very happy one, my dear. Next year I'll make it up to you. Love mom.

PS. DON'T CALL JIM AT THE HOPT. HE MOVED. I DON'T KNOW HIS NEW NUMBER.

5 mins later

one bite of toast and the pee docs came in and said, Jim's kidney has taken a hit,but it's working fine. No lasix cause it could be liver problems and that would make them worse.

so, now they're going to change all the water intake stuff.

whatever....

Jim

Well, since no one seemed to care if I was homeless or not, I will not post about that.

I walked into Jim's room, and he's on oxygen. Like Forest said, you never know what you're going to get. More blood tests, urines tests, lung xrays. Neurology has said that Jim's urine test from yesterday reveals his right kidney has had some damage, and is smaller.

Here's what I know. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm sick to death of this crap. I'm tired of firing questions at doctors as they are walking out of the room. I haven't taken my thyroid medicine today, I DESPERATELY need my bipap machine, because I'm certain I didn't sleep well last night (or any night for that matter) because I feel like an angry bear. I have not had a real meal in a week. My scratched reading glasses are on my last nerve. I doubt I will be home for Thanksgiving. I'm going to ride the metro to a store to buy Jim a nightshirt because he has so much water in his abdomen that his underwear and sleep pants are too tight. But I have to find an XXL and it has to be cheap because I am running out ofmoney. And if I don't get a new keyboard, I'm not posting any more. And I'm angry today. And I'm sick of hospitals. I'm sick of Jim's complaining. I'm sick of my life.

And I would like to also be able to post or eat my slop once without an interruption.

I'm sick of Larry, too.

You all have a nice Thanksgiving.

Grouchy Bithc

Oh Boy!!!!

Nothing like getting out of bed to see the "check out" notice under your door for the 25th. Not a big deal, except when you think it's the 23rd. So, am I homeless? I have no idea, but will know so shortly. I'm glad I have a matress in the back of the van. I may be using it. ;)

Jim's day yesterday physically was the best so far for him. That doesn't mean he's not in the toilet today, however. Who knows what I'll find when I get to the hopt. It's different every day.

One never knows what one is dished out, but every single day I learn more and more and more what it means to rest in Him...to really rest in and on Him. It's kinda fun in a weird way, only because all of these years I thought that it required me to make things happen. LOL. Silly me. When it does require me, He lets me know, and I step in. But lately I, and Jim and have been stepping back, and believe it or not, the world still turns.

I'll let you all know soon what is up.

Love Gloria, Dolly, Sister, Mom, Friend

Not leaving today

Well, we're not leaving today. The docs came in (yes, I was there, and it wasn't that scary) and they wanted to give Jim another CT scan and sonogram.

Last night the nurse came in with a Lasix shot, and Jim said no, cause he was afraid that it would wake Larry up. He wanted it in the morning. The nurse wrote in the file that he refused it, so they wouldn't give it to him in the morning, because the order was cancelled. Sigh. Do I have to live there? The oxy has his mind a bit clogged. So, before they give him any Lasix, they want to give him the scans. WITH NO CONTRAST. I told Jim. "Make sure you know they don't give you any contrast." So Jim goes down there, with his 2 mm shot of dilauded to help him bear the table and he fights with them for 20 mins about the contrast. They call the nurse and the nurse says to give it to him, and he refused the test until they contacted the team. The team confirmed, no IV or oral contrast. That hurdle over.

Now the sonogram. So, I still don't know when we'll be leaving. I guess it depends on what those tests reveal. Jim's gout is feeling better in his foot. Did I mention his gout flared up? It did.

Now, we have to get rid of the now about 20 pounds of fluid in his abdomen.

Interestingly enough, his LDH numbers are normal. Low normal. This is not HDL, cholesterol, but LDH lactodehydrogenase (sounds like margerine) This has always been very very high on Jim. People with high LDH usually do NOT respond to chemo cures for their cancer, compared to people with normal LDH. (I heard the docs commenting on it, and I went back and checked him previous levels over the past year--yeah, I brought Jim's entire files with me--and they were very high in January, May and July. Now Jim's is normal. That was the blood test on the 20th. I would be very interested in seeing what they were prior to the UNC-01. People this might mean NOTHING. I'm just grasping. It will help me get through the next load of laundry thinking of something potentially positive.

Okay, time for whites, and then it's back to the hopt. I'll let you know anything later.

US

up all night thinking

In my last post I wrote:

I'm scared they will release him unto my care. Terrified. Not in the "sinful, not trusting Jesus" way, but in the "oh boy, I'm going to really have to trust Jesus" sort of way. Does that make sense?

RACH, HELP.....TELL THEM WHAT I MEAN. LOL.

Rachel is my defogger. She takes my rambling from my head and gives them heart words. :)

Seriously, I thought about this. (should have prayed instead) My scared and terrified feelings aren't in the sinful way of not trusting Jesus, as I said. I think what it is is this. When Jesus was in the garden, asking for intercessory prayer from his sleeping pals, (I have better friends than He did, I think...you guys aren't sleeping are you?) when he was starting to sweat blood, when he knew what was coming before him, it's not that he didn't trust his Dad. He knew it would be hard and wanted that cup of suffering to pass. It was his human side not wanting to have to walk ANY of the way to the cross. Like Jesus, I wasn't made for a world of sickness and sin (or torture). Oh, I was born here, and Jesus came here to redeem me, so yeah, we're both visitors, but we weren't born for it. So I liken my fears and being terrified of today, not to the sin of fear, but to the obedience of the path that God has called me to walk. KNOWING I TRUST HIM TOTALLY. But knowing that sometimes that path is terrifying because I wasn't created to walk down it. I'm glad he's holding my hand though.

Okay, I'm still not doing it justice. I have no time to ponder. Isn't that something. I have hours at the hospital, and yet not time. I should have brought my journal. I'll get some paper and write today maybe. This blog has kind of been like a journal, but I hate that someone reads it if they don't understand that the thought has not been fully worked out and its' just the beginning of the process. There is always THE REST OF THE STORY.

Paul Harvey...g'day

Hello Faithful followers

Hello everyone:



Jim isn't doing so well today. He's not getting out of bed. He's not urinating. He's only sleeping. It's too painful for him to walk. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. I will be there at 9:00 a.m, but I am afraid because the doctors will come in and give us 2.5 minutes. They will talk about Jim before hand, and when they come in to see him, it can go down any path, and I'm very very anxious about this. I almost do not want to be there. Actually I don't want to be there. I would rather have a tooth drilled without novacaine than to be there in that room with Doctors talking about Jim like he's a guinia pig, without them wanting any of our input, and to have to hear any more bad news. And I'm scared they will release him unto my care. Terrified. Not in the "sinful, not trusting Jesus" way, but in the "oh boy, I'm going to really have to trust Jesus" sort of way. Does that make sense?


Today, I went shopping. I typed in Costco into the GPS that I bought Jim last Christmas, and it was 10 miles away. So, away I went. Before I knew it, I saw Arlington Cemetary and the Pentegon. The Pentegon is huge. I had never seen that before, although I had been at Arlington. HUGE. I thought about a plane crashing into it, and it was really really weird. Costco was so crazy busy that I panicked and had to get the heck out of there. There were lines for samples. They're nuts. I can't stop like that. My sister Kim knows what I'm talking about and exactly what happened to me, don't you sister? So, I put in walmart in GPS and ended up in Virginia, but I got some socks, nail clippers, eye cream and came home.

Larry is back. It is really annoying, too. He's not so cute any more when Jim's life feels like it's on the edge...again. I was humming Christian songs when he walked in. He didn't have his coat off, when his cell phone rang and he started complaining about his sister, and "her going to the synogogue and..." Then he says, do you hear music? Are you playing music? He knew darned well I was humming. And I wasn't stopping either. It was a light hum, and I was trying to calm my dear husband. After he got off the phone, he turned on the Tv louder and louder and louder to drown me out. It almost was like the hymns I was humming were driving him nuts, despite him not even being able to hear them much. Like the praises to God were making him sick. He ate chips and rattled the bag and did everything in his power, I feel, to drown my soft humming out. Then he left and went to the family room. Then I had a brilliant idea. I brought up You tube and God tube, and played all kinds of christian songs, Christmas hymns, etc. for Jim. 2 birds with 1 stone, baby. Peace for Jim, and Larry stayed away. I was not in a "Larry" mood today.


Once again, I could not enjoy my little bit of shopping. My mind was on Jim the whole time. With him is where I want to be. I just want to be doing something different.

He maybe said a whole sentence to me today, but it was better than being anywhere else. So, there is no respite. There is nothing or any place that I want to or can go to. I remembered I brought some thread crocheting items, and I bought a puzzle book to do the logic problems, so I'm good for more sitting. I pray that they don't send me home with Jim. I'm ready to sit.


I have to leave the Lodge by the 25th, I believe, and will have to drive to Bob and Shelleys or find a cheap hotel if we do stay, maybe some of both. I don't want to drive 3 hours a day because I need new tires on the van, and the van is humming and I hate the 6 lanes of traffic. But the cost of hotels can be too expensive, so I just might have to do it anyway. I could then buy those tires. Bob and Shelley's house is beautiful. I would feel guilty heating that huge house just for me though. If you are reading this guys, keep the heat off. I won't be there during the days, and if I stay there at night, I can cover up. Jim keeps our house very cold at night anyway, so I'm used to it.

adee da dee da dee dee, that's all folks.
gloria

12:00 noon

Well, I'm sitting here struggling. Do I go get some eyecream (the wrinkles are horrible, and I forgot my moisturizer) and warm socks and cheap earings, (cause they make me feel younger) or do I go to the hospital and sit with Jim.

I really don't want to do either. I want to take a walk with Jim, and laugh and smile and eat, and rest in the fact that truly he takes care of me. :)

So, I think I'm going to take a little walk with the Lord and laugh and smile with him, and ask him what I should do. I think he's already leading me to do a little of both. :)

Talked to Jim this morning. He had a bad night. More pain. How much more can be there be?

Gloria

Jim

Hi All:

Well, I was at the hopt. from 8:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and it was NOT a good day.

Jim's pain is up. His heart rate is up. His temp is up. His blood pressure is up. He's twitching, and his mood is down. They gave him lasix, but he still has about 15 pounds of water on him. He believes that he have tumor lysis and is trying to get doctors to listen to him. And he may have some if it, and if he does, that's good, cause it means the tumor is shrinking. But they said that no one has ever gotten it on this protocol, and his pain is up, and that's not evidence of his cancer shrinking. He got himself in such a tizzy, that he thought he was having a heart attack. I had to tell the nurse to leave so we could pray. But he couldn't walk away from the fear and stress, despite the prayers. He told me, "if I were at home, Dr. Crandall would...." I said, If you were at home, you would be on hospice or already dead." We may never know if this trial will work because I think Jim is going to micromanage himself right off of the trial. They want this to work for him, but they aren't in the curing business. They are in the trial business with hopes that it cures. If you're a pain in the butt, and not easy to work with, with too many extras, you're not good for their science, and they'll take you off the trial. I don't think they are interested in an research Engineer's opinions, even though they may be valid. Their science is why they are cold and removed from the patients. I mean if anything can be done, THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE when you're as sick as Jim is. But it's because of research, not caring hearts. So, with Jim's tumor and pain burden...I just don't know. But you know what. After living it for 15 hours, I don't want to talk about it for another hour, so I'm going to bed.

And I am NOT going to be there tomorrow for the 2.5 sec doc visit, watching my husband in vain trying to get them to sit and talk and reason for an hour. In fact, I am going to go on the treadmill, and lay in bed and watch church, and eat scrambled eggs for breakfast. I think I'll make it an 8 hour hospital day tomorrow. I need a break.

Good night all. Pray for Jim. I feel very bad for him. I apologized for bringing him down here, even though he wanted to do it, too. This has just been too insane, particularly for him. I have let go and and put it all in God's lap a few weeks ago. I prayed that God would open doors or close them in regards to any help for Jim, and we're here. I'm not sure why though. I realize there is nothing I can do but pray and love Jim. He's just in so much pain and all that it's too much to watch anymore. When I think of him dancing in heaven, versus writhing in bed, I wish he were there and not here.

Well, I'm going to bed.

PS Kim, I e-mailed you from my yahoo account, but it rejected my letter as spam. So, you didn't get my e-mail.

Kristen, don't worry about the plants. The hose is shut off cause it could freeze, and I would normally do it by hand, and I can have Mark do that, and the heater automatically turns on.

Tired me

Date Night - Prayer and Praise

Hi Everyone:

It's Friday Night. DATE NIGHT. WITH YOU. Let's just sit and talk a while. Let's talk about you. "So, what do you think about me?" (Beaches, Bette Midler)

If you see me post a comment on my own blog that says, "getting in sideways" just ignore it because I have to hack my way into my blog so that I can post.

I need order in my life to function, and when there's not order, I don't function well. So, Jim's illness has naturally affected many areas of my life. But I keep getting used to my "new normal" as I move along. But having a prayer time and a prayer corner with praise music and my books just does not happen away from home 10 days in a strange place, 13 hours at the hopt. each day, eating ginger snaps for dinner, etc. That's why I'm all prayed out. I'm out of my zone. I can't get in. I'm not home.

But I discovered something tonight. While I can't pray, I can praise. It's the weirdest thing. I can sit and praise God on and on. Why? I'll have to think through it, but right off the top...well, it's easy to do. I mean, He's the Beginning and the End, the North, South, East, and West, the creator of everything. Praising God isn't that hard.....today. LOL. Well, lately, it's not been hard. It hasn't always been that way. But I think this is why it's easier in my life now.

I shared this with some people, but not on the blog. At least I don't think I did. If I did, well, read it again, and don't tell me my brain's going to the dog, besides that, this is DATE NIGHT, and I'm off duty.

The long story short is that a few months ago, after everything was going wrong to the nth degree, as it had been for 3 months-- big time wrong...Jim almost dying, wrong..., etc.-- I got a book out of the library, a Christian novel "Deadline" by Randy Alcorn, and it was really good. With Jim so sick, I thought I could read a bit while he was in the hospital. I couldn't stop reading it. There are 3 guys who are friends, and....well, one dies. The christian. Fast forward to his funeral, and there's his wife saying, "goodbye, my dear husband, my best friend." I almost swallowed my tongue. I couldn't stop crying. I was so darn angry, I left the hospital room and I went out into this corner and looked up to heaven and said, "Can't you at least cut me a break on a book? I wanted something fun, good for the heart. Can't you cut me a darn break even with a book?" I was crying and hurt and not as angry as I could have been in the past. Now I have gotten angry with God many times through the years, but this time, I instantly was broken hearted and realized that I was blaspheming my God, and I was attributing a characteristic to God that was bad and mean spirited. I was believing the lie that God was doing another mean thing to me. And I knew that was wrong and that I never wanted to do that again. Why, after 47 years, I finally understood that God is the good guy and is pure love, I'll never know, (I had only wanted to walk in that truth all my christian life to no avail--took long enough) but I knew I wanted to by like Job, who after everything that happened to him, endured and Job 1:22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God. So "Bully God" has been done away with. Oh, every once in a while the enemy tries to slip one in sideways, but I'm on to him now, and I know that God is good like I have never known before. So, was it God's doing or the enemy's that I was reading this sad book during this hard time? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I know God allowed me to get hurt by that story in the book, even if He didn't orchestrate it. And He would make it good. And He did. I finally got a hold of the truth that "OUR GOD IS GOOD...REAL GOOD" despite what happens in life. So, if it was God's, thank you Lord, and if it was the enemy, well...ha ha ha ha ha. Youuuuuuuuuu're a stinkin' loooooooooooooooser.

All of that to say this. I can't pray. I can, but it's so mechanical lately. It takes too much thinking, and too much of me trying to enter in, but praising doesn't. And before I know it, I'm not only "in." I'm "in" and feeling fine. I find myself thankful for the chair I'm sitting on, to the water I'm drinking, for the docs and nurses that care for Jim, that I can come back to this lodge and talk to a friend on the phone, type on a computer and feel very content on a cold Friday night, a week before Thanksgiving, with no clue as to Jim's future. I just realized that normally I would be playing Christmas Carols and watching It's a Wonderful Life, you'll shoot your eye out, kid--that's what I like to call it--and Holiday Inn. I just realized a YEAR AGO TODAY, Jim went into the hospital for 20 days for another biopsy that would say he did not have cancer. And I'm okay with it. That's an amazing God thing, don't you think? IT'S TOTALLY AMAZING....Which makes me want to immediately go to this thought. Wow, aren't I mature. Haven't I grown. I AM TOTALLY AMAZING....Which takes me immediately to this thought. I AM NOT. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. IT'S HIM DOING IT IN ME. And He's using lots of you guys to pray me though it to boot.

"Oh wretched man that I am. Who shall deliver me." Thank you Jesus, that you have. Now, I want to immediately go to 2 Corinthians, "for when I am weak, then I am strong."
LOL. Oh, it cracks me up. I want accolades. I want...something....anything...applause, an "atta girl" a foot rub? It's date night, come on. And before you know it, well, I've gone from praising Him, to wanting praise because I'm praising Him. LOL.

It takes me back to my counselor/friend, Richard, who said, "if you're pulse is beating, you're probably sinning." Oh wretched man that I am. Who shall deliver me.

Jesus.... Past, present and future.

Okay, tell the truth folks. I'm talking to myself now, aren't I? I'm so isolated, that I'm sharing my conversations in my head on the web, because I'm so isolated. This is how online affairs start, huh? I better stop talking before I take myself out, rub my own feet, or buy myself diamond earrings. I'm going to start my own website for self dating. I'll call it me-harmony.com. Oh sh-t. I'm laughing out loud with myself now, and the lady at the desk is looking at me like I'm nuts. Oh, that felt good.

Ohhhhhhhhhh, I had such a good time. Me, too. Thanks so much. You're welcomed. See you next Friday? Sure. Bye. Bye. Oh, by the way, my ears are pierced.

Get the net.......

ATTENTION ALL BALDAUFF SIBLINGS

Hi Baldauffs:

Jim is NOT coming home tomorrow. They want to keep him. While this drug does not work quick, they don't like that his pain has increased while on it, so they are keeping him to keep an eye on him.

And,

because not everyone had a positive response to this trial, they are seriously considering CTing Jim Monday to see if it has helped even a smidgen, and if not, they are considering another type of chemo to get these tumors under control, and then moving into a Stem Cell Transplant.

The Stem Cell Transplant team is coming to speak with us, just so that we have everything in order. They want to have all their ducks in a row, just in case. Part of those ducks is having all the brothers and sisters "typed" to see if they are a match for Jim. If you are willing, they will send a kit to each of you that will require a simple blood test. It will be of no charge to you. I think. Do not take the test if you are unwilling to be a donor. If you are a match, all that is involved is IV blood removal, almost like you are donating blood. No, they don't go into your bone, as Tom wondered. :) I think all bro's and sis's are eligible except for Ruthie. We told them of June's issues and Bob's prostate cancer, but they are okay, too. You would have to come here for the transfusion. Your expenses would be paid for by them, or if not, then by us.

I'm not sure Jim will even go through with this, despite it being a good possibility of it saving his life. He is very tired. And I would leave it up to him. I am telling you all of this now so that you have time to think and pray about it.

I will post more info later, after we talk to the transplant team.

Also, could one of you call Jim and tell him that if he dies, that 2 people will come down here and get me. He's laying here worrying, of all things, of what will happen to me if he dies. How will I be able to drive home crying. That's one thing I don't want him worrying about. Silly goose, Jim.

Okay. So, that's today's news. I need to get some food. June, tell your buddy that she was brilliant in listening to the Lord. I never thought I would be here this long.

I wonder what hospital turkey tastes like. :( LOL.

Thanks guys
We love you.

8:08 on this new morning

Thank you so much, for your posts to "my crying." Today is a new day. I got up at 6:30 with a terrible headache, and my Extra Strength Excedrin, my friend, came through in a Jiffy. I feel good today. I did lots of research through Jim's files last night to note all the measurements of Jim's spleen throughout this whole ordeal so that the Docs over there have the quick version of Jim's spleen story. I'm hoping that helps them and Jim.

I feel very encouraged by your prayers, posts, etc. I want you to really know that. I mean it sincerely. It's my strength from the Lord through you.

I was thinking of these 2 good things. No matter who I talk to, they say, this is the best place in the world to be for someone with the difficulties that Jim has, and

I have never EVER EVER in my life met such wonderful, thorough nurses. They are kind, fast, sympathetic and excellent. Isn't that wonderful.

I called Jim late last night. He had talked to his brother Tom for an hour. I asked about what. His answer. "I don't know." Classic. But his spirits were up, even though he was half asleep. Thanks Tom. Thanks Sister for calling Tom.

And thank you guys for being my "Tom"

I'm off to see my beloved. And Larry. :-/

Love Gloria

I feel like crying, part 2

So, while I am crying, the one doctor comes up, Jim's taking more pain meds, we show him Jim's spleen area, where is very swollen, and he orders another CT scan for tomorrow. So, who even know when we'll be home.

Jim said, "please take me home, so I can die in peace."

He could probably use a call from his brother Tom about now. You out there, Tom? I could use a china closet and a sledge hammer.

I feel like crying

Hi Everyone:

Well, Jim has about 20 pounds of water in him, and the stockings on his legs have pushed it up into his waist, causing him more discomfort...but he wants to leave the stockings on, despite what I think. It's always despite what I think, which is one reason why I feel like crying because I have to drive him home and take care of him, and it's often a battle. 14 days ago, he was on 40 mg's of oxy 3x's a day. He was up to 100 when we came a week ago, and now he's up to 150 mg's, and he's still in pain. He doesn't feel good, or look good or smell good. His vitals are mostly okay. His first dose of 150 oxy was at 3:00, and he's asking for something for breakthru pain already. He has already had a shot of dilauded this morning as well.

When I think of everything he has been through, it's hard to think about. This has been very hard for Jim, and I can't imagine anything working for him, really. Nothing has so far, and he's so sick and in so much pain, I just can't help but feel it's just too late. And I'm hoping I shouldn't have said no to this. His body has been through 2 tumor biopsies, colonoscopies, 2 upper GI scopes, a bleeding duodenum, a biopsied duodenum, much anesthesia, 2 bone marrow biopsies, prostate biopsy, 4 PET scans, 8 CT scans, 4 MRI's, 4 sonograms... 4 different types of chemo regimens, and countless other things I've forgotten, and now this trial. He's had I can't count how many blood transfusions, shots for white blood cells, shots for red blood cells,and numerous amounts of drugs, drugs, drugs. Not to mention that during this whole time, the cancer never went away and was always present, and still is. How much more can this poor man go through? I can't take it any more. I can't stand to see him sick any more. In pain any more. Holding on any more.

I feel totally tired, and hopeless, and in 2 days, once again, he will be released into my care. Care that he often times doesn't trust (and in a few cases, rightfully so. I've made a few memory med mistakes because my brain doesn't work good under stress) And under my care, I have to somehow determine whether he's doing better or worse, figure out how to get him to drink, eat, pass this water,poop, relax, hope, hold the puke bucket blah blah blah, and blah.

I hate when he sleeps. He twitches, and twitches. He jumps. His face is sucken in like my mother's was when she was dying, and he holds his hands out in front of him and does weird things with him, like my father does when my father is in the hopt. My father who has altzheimers...(who I haven't seen in a very long time. I miss him, and I cry when I even think of him.) His breathing is very heavy and his stomach bulges. My mother's did this when she was dying, too. It's a belabored breathing from all the narcotics.

This is just all too very much for me today. I have constant heartburn from stress. I think it's very hard to be here all alone feeling all these things, feeling that the doctors care more about their science than him. I don't think this is true, all in all, either. But they do see Jim as a sick dying man, who could be helped by this drug...or not. They'll see. But of course I see that and so much more, so it's harder.

Well, this too shall pass, correct? Please pray for me. I feel like that Keith Urban song, "but tonight I'm going to cry." Except I don't have any wine.



Thanks
Gloria

Thursday

Hi Everyone:

Well, Jim's still not feeling any better. They are going to up the pain meds. I think he's in more pain, not because this isn't working, but because he was just not simply on enough pain medicine to start with. He had so many fears in regards to his bowels and such, that he never wanted to go up on meds. Now that that fear is a bit gone, he's going up.

Tentative release is Saturday morning. They were actually going to release him Friday, but it would be at 5:30 p.m., and he wouldn't be up for the ride home at that point, so Saturday morn, we will be on our way home.

The docs still feel confident this med will help. But I get the feeling they were hoping that he would have some relief already, yet that is directly opposite what another doctor had said, so...I dont' know. This doctor in charge of the protocol is ruder than the Frenchman. The minute I said I had a few questions, he walked out and informed the fellow, who he was going to make stay to answer my questions, that the clinic needed them asap.

He's not interested in patiences, but in his science. But I just keep reminding myself that the alternatives were, well, nothing. Hospice. So, we're just waiting and hoping at this point, and putting up with rude people.

Today, Jim tried bio feedback to teach Jim how to relax, to get away from the pain. They use all kinds of things here for pain. Lots of accupuncture, guided imagery, and tons of other cultic type of practices. We told her what we do and don't accept in regards to mind games. It was hilarious. This woman is trying to get Jim to relax, but the minute her talk or her suggestions sounded anything like hypnotism or guided imagery or self healing, his numbers would spike and show he wasn't relaxing. The thing that helped was imagining the cottage in the fall with the pretty leaves and riding the golf cart down the road.

I'm pretty prayed out. Has anyone ever been prayed out about an issue? Perhaps I'm just tired and living out of a suitcase for too long, eating cereal for dinner too much. I don't know. I just don't feel like I can pray anymore. Well, I haven't been praying much here anyways. I need familiarity. I can't seem to read God's word or my books or do anything, really, outside of my home and things I'm familiar with. So, thanks for your prayers for Jim.

Anyways, that's today's news. Larry isn't back yet, so I have nothing to share of his antics. We've just been enjoying the private room.

Today in craft class, I decorated a clipboard for my kitchen, and I brought Jim a glass sun thing, to stain, so he's doing something different too.

K, folks. Talk to you and see you soon.

Love us

A reprieve

Well, Larry's gone for the night. Because he's not on chemo yet, he went home for the night. Wow, it's nice and quiet. No phone. No same old, same old.

Jim's pain is a teeny tiny bit better. He just received 2 units of blood. He needed it badly. His red blood count was down real low. They let it get real low here. They go through a lot of blood in this place. We're worried that our insurance won't give us the shots and care that we need when we get home because Jim is under a protocol that is "experimental. " So, there is something else to pray for.

Some have asked if you can call Jim. Yes. The number is 301-451-2986. So, give him a call if you like, but don't expect much gabbing. Just a "hi" would suffice.

Now, KIM, not only did you say trail, instead of trial, but I don't know what the heck you were talking about in response to my blog. Jim had that perplexed look on his face as we read it. Before I continue mocking my sister, first let me say that I do not proof read or fixs errors when I'm blogging. I'm too busy. I know I have typos and such, but I have to be expedient.

I didn't know if I would be able to post on the blog while here, so I had asked Judy if she would do it for me. My sister was a bit put out. Why wouldn't I let her do it????????? Well, read her response to my post 2 days ago...Here are two funny examples of why she's NOT my transcriptionist. My dad uses an inhaler, Albuterol. He also takes Allopurinol. She pronounces them both the same.

My favorate band is "Sons of Korah." She likes this one song, and asks, "Hey Dolly, play that one song from the Koran." So, if you thought my story was funny, imagine if it had been dictated to sister and then she typed it here.

Well, Believe it or not, I miss Larry. Jim's just too quiet, and I have no one to mimic. But maybe he'll be involved in something interesting while gone, and we'll get to hear about it 137 times tomorrow.

Well, the nurse is changing Jim's ucn-01 now. The drug isn't even named yet. He begins day 3, and then it's a few days of monitoring, and then it's home sweet home, we hope. We've been gone 10 days already (I think) and I feel like a gypsy.

Love US

I go from Humbly Greatful to Grumbly Hateful in 3.5 secs.

ggggggRRRRRRRRRR mateys.

So, I haven't had a decent meal since Bob and Shelley's. It's 25 degrees out (17 with windchill factor), and I have no clothes that are warm enough for my cold urticaria. And I don't have my meds for it, so I have to find a store. ( I should see if I can find a trial for cold urticaria while I'm here. I already basically share a room with Jim and Larry) I have to go shopping also because I have gained now 20 pounds since last september and I don't fit into anything. I wake up 1.5 hours earlier today, because I AM BRILLIANT AND I AM GOING TO BE THE ONE TO GET THE HOT SHOWER TODAY... cause the cold ones, well...they just don't work for me, and they make the cold urticaria hurt more. And the water temp is worse. There is no warm. So, I can't go back to sleep, so I do laundry, and the machine breaks on me, this is only after the toilet handle fell off....after I used it of course. So, I take the back off to flush it by hand and drop my only clean bra in the toilet. After I scoop that up, I go to the kitchen for coffee, and the plumber is still working on the kitchen clog. GOOD THING THE GRAND PIANO IN THE PARLOR IS WORKING.

Seriously. All these minor things, and I'm moaning. It's unbelievable how fleshy I can get so quick. And this place is beautiful and free. Who cares that I can't shower. Okay enough of that. Did I mention I'm lonely as heck. Bored, too? I went to a craft class and chose a stocking. I sat on the needle last night. That was fun.

Oh, and Larry, our beloved Larry, the roommate. Not only is he on the phone CONSTANTLY, but he must knows 100's of people that hide from him, and he calls them all and tells them the same story over again. Me and Jim are about dying now, cause we can repeat verbatim what he's going to say next, including all the hmms and hawws that go with it. The curtain separates the two of them, and we lip sync all the stories. Even the same jokes... We can repeat them. And get this...THEY'RE WORSE THAN THE BALDAUFF JOKES. I think Jim was spoiled by the private room the other 15 hopt. trips. And you know, it's good that he's not in a private room anymore. We need to be stretched and uncomfortable in all ways, I guess.

Kimmer, he's from Philly. Tell me the Italians from Philly are different. :) I could use a good piasano about now. :) He's really a nice guy, despite the, the, the....he's really a nice guy. Sister Kim, he reminds me of Walt Shine.

Okay enough about me. Let's talk about Jim. Wasn't this blog originally about him? LOL. Anyway, I talked to the doc yesterday and found this out. The cancer has gone into his vertebre. It's not a "bone cancer" but it is in his bones in his back. It's also crushing a muscle. And it's about 10 inches long. His left side on the front of him is distended (I think that's the word) and I bet that Jim's spleen is swollen from this cancer. I knew this was aggressive, but I never thought it would go from 5 cm to 10 inches within 2 weeks. So, we got him here in the nick of time. Now, it must work. More than likely, it's probably in his bone marrow, since it's in his bone, but then maybe not. But the doc says that none of this matters in regards to whether this regimen would work for him or not. If this works, it will work despite the stage. It just can't be in the brain or spinal fluid and it's not. We won't know for a while, as this works slower than the types of chemo, but if Jim's pain gets less within the next 3 weeks, that's a good sign. We come back in 21 days, after we leave here. Anybody up for a road trip? I know a great place with nice hot showers.

Well, they have Jim's pain meds upped again, and he has about 15 pounds of water in his legs. Poor guy.

Well, after shopping, I'm going over to see my Jumbo, and Larry of course. I need to hear what words of wisdom he has today. Here's what I gleaned yesterday. Larry likes the stripper joints, but his dad doesn't. He gets off the phone and tells me that he hopes Obama doesn't blow it and do something immoral. You see, he was going to vote for Edwards. And he can't believe that Edwards cheated on his wife. Especially since she was sick with cancer. (I guess only healthy wives should be cheated on.) Anyway, what kind of guy does that, Larry wants to know. Larry says that he has never cheated on a woman. He's never been with one long enough to cheat. Hmmm... He tells me that Mrs. Edwards has been spotted WITHOUT her wedding ring. Someone needs to tell Mrs. Edwards to hide, that Larry is watching. LOL.

Okay. Well, my mini pity party is over. Perhaps I'll even buy someone a Christmas gift today. Although I can't imagine that I would remember what is on anybody's list. I think I'll buy Jim some fishing tackle. That'll make him get better quicker than anything I know of. :)

Well, I'm done jumping all over the place for today. I am going to see if the water has warmed up any.

I love you guys
Thanks for reading my ramblings. It makes me feel like I'm not alone down here.

For your reading pleasure

So, there's a black man, a French man, and a Jewish man at the NCI. They all walk...
Okay, no joke here. These were just Jim's roommates.

The first roomate we liked, but we didn't know it at first. The funky talking, loud voice, constant phone calls, etc., but we liked him. But we only got him for 1 day and 1 night. He was black, kind and a brother in the Lord. He was an ignorant man, and I felt sad that he couldn't find the right words and didn't understand the doctors. No matter how they dummied it down, it confused him. But he was kind. He was very excited about his church loving on him, trusted in God, despite the new DX of cancer, and was excited about Pres. to be Obama. We found out yesterday that he had asked about Jim.

Then, the piece de' resistance. The Frenchman. Walks out of the shower nude. Proud as a peacock. Wouldn't say hi, wouldn't talk, cold as can be. Free treatment at our tax funded hopt, and you could slice the disdain he had for America. He was hard. Looked hard, and acted hard. But I couldn't help laughing when he opened his mouth. Coudt I have a wom blanket pleez. I woo-d like to odor my lunch, plez. Wee wee, pee pee, fi fi. Some say the language is romantic, but I wasn't hearing that. I was hearing...I was not nice. The first night Jim was in extreme pain and up all night. He was crying out to the Lord for a few hours. He apologized the next day to this guy, and the guy wouldn't even look at him. His priest came and gave him communion every day. I wanted to ask the priest to hear my confession... I had hate in my heart toward this man. I couldn't believe it. I don't hate. Ever... This was very foreign to me, and I did not like it. And I couldn't stop it, either. I had to go home and repent. But the next day, my heart mocked his wee wee fi fi talk, as he was rude to my Jim. But I got over it. But I couldn't reach out to him. I hated this. I took pride in my ability to ignore him. Something that is so easy for some, is not easy for me. I ignore no one. I saw myself in the worse light, and I have much examining of the heart to do in this regard, still. To confound things further, he leaves and wishes us well. ????? HUH?

Now, our Jewish roommate. Now, this is funny. He's friendly, but odd. He's constantly on the phone, and I recognize loneliness. He talks and talks and talks. He's full of pride, and quick to share his political, monetary, and other views. He says, "you didn't like Bush, did you" I told him that I did, and he said that he apologizes to foreigners for our President. I told him he needs to become more like me and not care what foreigners think...LOL (thinking about our frenchman) But he talks on and on and on. I ask about his cancer, and ask if I could pray for him. His name is Larry. He needs the Lord. He says, I can pray for him. "I am Jewish." Not sure why my prayer and his Jewishness are a match, but that's okay. It's opened a door. I asked the Lord to do that. Then I listen to his conversations....(they are hours long and hard not to hear) and I'm glad I didn't vote for Obama if for no other reason, it tells me that I'm not in the same thinking pool as a man like this. (that's a joke, kinda) He's 50 or so, watching MTV, mags, gambles, travels, hangs up on his sister, has all the answers to EVERYTHING, is a political know it all, married and divorced 3 times, is dying of cancer and he's seeking any and all pleasure this world can give him. Sigh. I prayed that God would give me the words for this one. But this one I love, or at least like. I feel more like me.

I don't even know the name of the Frenchman to pray for him. But I think I need to pray more for me in this regard. Even still when I think of him, eww. it's ugly.

Anyway, Jim is doing okay. He is sweating a lot, retaining lots of water, his heart rate is up. His pain meds are up. He's having terrible dreams of his mom falling off a building and him not being able to save her. They are nightmares. Poor guy. He's tired. Larry, the know it all has been on the phone starting at6:30. And it's him calling them. I can imagine people cringing when they see who it is. Last night he called someone he hadn't talked to in 12 years. He told them he found their phone on the internet. I think they probably disappointed. Isn't that sad. Poor guy. Nobody wants him. But I can tell why. Gosh. I don't mean to be judgmental. It's just that that's the way it is.

I went to craft shop 2 days in a row. Today I made a thanksgiving card. yesterday, I began a stocking that I have to complete. They have lots of things to enjoy. The dogs are coming later, and I will pet them and pretend they are Sara Ruby, Sam, and Simon, 3 great dogs.

Okay, guys. See, who needs a priest when I have you all to confess to. I hope none of you are French and insulted. It was a personal thing.

The docs come in and are gone before you know it. Our list of questions go unanswered. Jim needs lasix. He has about 15 pounds of water in his legs....lol. Larry's cell phone is ringing as he's on the hospital phone. Now he's talking to 2 different people on 2 different phones at the same time. He's good.

Okay, I'm rambling and skipping all over the place.

And Kristen, can you believe this. Our keyboard down here is broken. I sure miss my new one. It's fast. I meant to tell you that. I can type so fast on it.

Cheers folks
Love Gloria

Keep praying for my Jim.
I can't do e-mail. Only blog. Next time, I will be able to access my e-mail, as I will bring my password.

Cheers.

Oh, if you want, you can e-mail me at

jimlovesruby@yahoo.com


Gloria

FINALLY!!!!!!

Well, the UCN-01 is now officially dripping into Jim. I refused to post one more thing until I actually saw the drug going into his veins, and it finally is at 3:30. So, thank you so much for praying. We both have really had some spiritual struggles and have felt oppression. It's such a worldly place, a worldly City. I've met a lot of "Christians" but...well, I'm just not going there. Let's just say they don't...let's just say nothing. I'm too tired for it. Anyway, we have felt an unseen battle, so thanks so much for your prayers.

It turns out that Jim's blood is okay, that it just got watered down from them flushing it out. Not a big deal. They're pretty smart here, but little things happen. The nurses are very kind.

So, folks, that's it. Now, we sure hope it works.

I found out some of our med procedures might not be paid for by our insurance at home, and that I won't always have an opportunity to stay at the family lodge, as it gets booked up, but I'm not fussing about it today. I'll "worry" about that tomorrow I guess.

Well, family and friends. I am worn out, and for now all problems are solved. So,thanks for the prayers.

God Bless you
Gloria

Emergency prayer needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim called and said the trial was off. Blood this and that. BUT IT'S NOT. It's back on. I wanted to get to that quick, so it didn't do to your heart what it did to mine, until he called me back an hour later.

Jim's platelets are low, and he's retaining about 2o pounds of water in his legs. The cancer is growing actively fast now, cutting off circulation and eating up not only his red blood cells, but his platelets, too, which is new for us.

They said they couldn't put him on this med. with the platelet...blah blah blah, which he thought meants he couldn't go on the trial. But he they are just going to give him some blood, which will delay some things, but...

HOWEVER, last time Jim was in the hopt, he got 2 units of blood and they disappeared, never to show up in his body and the docs were worried that the cancer was causing some type of blood disorder.

Could anyone reading this pray that the enemy and his tactics be bound and thrown to hell, where he belongs. I want to say to them. "PEOPLE, HE'S DYING, JUST PUT THE DAMN DRUG IN THE VEIN." Of course that's not very scientific, so......

So, it's all systems go, but I really feel there are many systems here trying to block it.

Hey, fellow Hebrew students, remember when we learned that we will some day judge the angels, including the satan's? Well, you be around when I'm on the throne and Mr. ALCL ALK+ shows up for judgment......oh boy, no mercy.

So as of now, he's still on, but if this blood they give him doesn't increase platelets or goes bad like last time, or....no deal. Please pray against this for us.

Thanks

and Mary Joe, I'm already getting those wrinkles from this stress. :) :(

Love Gloria

Stuff

Kristen: I'm deleting your last post. My sister got your number, and I don't want it out there for any old one. I'm not sharing you. :) By the way, I have to come down here, if this works, even slightly, every 21 days for a year. You'll be a horticulturist before this is over. ;) And it's all because of bible study.

Rach: It's 78 here in MD, but in Pittsburgh it was rainy cold, etc. as someone posted. So, you wouldn't be disappointed if you were here. :)

I can understand why you are excited Rach. Everyone, Rach's father had NHL, but B-cell. He joined a trial and 17 or so years later, he's still alive. It turns out the trial that he was on has been a big life safer for people with B-cell lymphoma. So, I'm thinking that's in your head, huh?

Tomorrow we will be married 12 years. In Sept. I didn't think we would make it to our anniversary. So, I am thankful to "celebrate" it with my dear husband. thanks everyone.

Gloria

Update

Hi Everyone:

Well, Jim had an A+ on tests. He's passed them all, and he's welcomed into the trial, and they will begin the meds on Monday.

It's not in his spine or his brain. We don't know if it's in the bone marrow, but that doesn't matter in terms of being part of this trial. That's just for staging for scientific information and such. That's a bummer for Jim, as it's not a fun test, but we're not complaining. It will be interesting to see if this cancer has gone to his bone marrow though, because it hasn't spread into any major organs, and that's pretty amazing considering it's such an aggressive cancer. The doctor said that Jim's kidney's are okay, too. Both of them. The docs said that Jim's tumor is "weird." That's a very scientific word down here. I hear it all the time. "weird"

So... It's a 72 hour push and then he'll stay for a few days for monitoring. We're not thinking we should be here for Thanksgiving. So...

We're still not tap dancing expecting a cure, expecting anything. But we both are breathing a lot easier right now. We'll take any type of reprieve.

Jim is sitting here reading with me and wants to thank all of you for all of your prayers. The sentence moved him to tears.

NANCY: Thanks for the headsup on the sudoku website. "Evil" huh? I tried to access it last night from the lodge to print a few out, but it wouldn't let me, but it will be fun to try. I bought a book a year ago, and it had 100's of puzzles from easiest to "migraine." I had mastered migraine and was puffed up until you told me there is "evil" We'll see.

KRISTEN: Thanks for watering the plants. If the temp is high and hot and sunny, every other day or every third day, but if the temp. is cooler, once a week is fine. It was 78 here today. Oh, to be a bit more south. Also, call my sister, because I know Mark will be at the house and he's watering this weekend I think.

Yes, I have grapefruit, a few lemon trees an orange tree, a barbadoes cherry (there should be a few ripe, eat some) and figs (should be a few ripe, eat some. I bet Larry, my piasano, would love to have a fresh fig. All of us italians did, anyway. HOWEVER, THOSE TWO BIG LEMONS....Well, I guess I would give them to you :( if you really asked, but when Jim was in pain and out of it, he said, "TELL EVERYONE TO KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF MY LEMONS." So, you can't have them. ;) Have you ever seen any so big?

You'll have to come in January and February when the citrus and gardenia and jasmine are blooming. It's so sweet, it's almost too much to bear.


CHRISSY: I had called your mom and dad up at the cottage and it was busy. When I got through, they told me about your wonderful story. I bet they felt bad in a greatful way, that they were up there. :) Sorry about the plumbing problems.

Okay everyone. Next update will be on Monday to let everyone know how Jim's first day with treatment went.

Love Gloria

update 2

Jim went down for his MRI...for the third time today. They are totally putting him under. They are doing an MRI of spine and brain. They believe the tumor is higher than the previous MRI mentioned, which is why the radiation didn't help much. They were radiating in the wrong place. Let's not go there.

If Jim is accepted into this trial, they will not give him his first treatment until Monday because of blood tests and other special issues. However, I will know before that possibly whether he will be accepted if they give word about the MRI. So, I might know before then, but no treatment before then. But that's okay. This will give Jim a chance to rest and the tumor an opportunity to grow a few more inches. YIKES!!!. But we're at least getting somewhere.

Pray it's not in the brain.
Pray it's not in the brain.
Pray it's not in the brain.

Kristen: All you do is turn the water spigot on on the side of my house. Bring hose in greenhouse and turn it to "shower" and give all the plants a good long drink, enough so that the water flows out from underneath the plants and fills the trays under them. The fig and banana need lots of water. (okay, like you know which ones those are. Um... oh, just water them and don't worry about it. Mark, you check. If they seem wet enough, then one of the 2 of you was there before the other. MOST IMPORTANT.......................DO NOT GET WATER ON THE HEATER. That's the red thing on the stand. Thanks. If a drop gets on it, it's okay, just don't haphazardly sprinkle everywhere, getting it inside, so it doesn't "short."

Make sure you turn the water off on the side of the house again?

Mark, did Publisher's Clearning House drop off my million?

I'm bored. And I'm tired of solitaire. I can't figure out anymore of the crossword. Suduko is too easy. Okay.

HEY KIM, you and Kristen should have each other's number from the bible study. perhaps you can call each other or something.

Love you all.

update

Okay:

Jim had his bone marrow babopsy (...Greek wedding) It hurt, but wasn't as bad as AGH. For that we are thankful, and that was encouraging to Jim.

Jim's creatinine levels are GOOD TO GO for the trial.

Now the main focus is that the cancer NOT be in his central nervous system. The charge nurse told me that at the meeting last night, the doctor wants these tests STAT because he wants to start the treatment ASAP, if Jim can be in it. So, this is good.

Keep watching for updates.

I read your responses to Jim, and he enjoyed that. I'll read the same ones to him later. He'll enjoy them all over again. Yeah, he's a bit out of it.

I can't access e-mail, so I may respond to some of you guys at the end of my updates, 0kay.

Judy: Jim's ready for tubing, but he says that it's too cold. LOL. He wants to fish, too.

Kim, Jim was reaching out in mid air and saying some garbledy gook stuff, then he woke up and knew he was out of it. He said he was talking to you. He had a sarcastic look on his face.

Rach. I'm sorry to hear about the job thing, and will pray for you for that. What I want to know is, who wrote this book? That's who we need to go after.

Kim: Don't forget Johnny is supposed to come in to pgh to get his car fixed. My plants in the greenhouse need watered. Mark can water them. Or Kristen can if she drives by and she's able.

Kristen: Can you water my plants in the greenhouse is they haven't been watered? Tom can water them on his way home, possibly.

Tom: Can you water my plants in the greenhouse....

ANYONE: Don't Let Jim's figs and lemons die. Jim said, "we have to pick them puppies." Here he is with a dieing with a tumor the size of a grapefruit, and he's worried about food. You gotta love this man.

Seriously. Someone post if the plants have been watered in the greenhouse and whether someone can do it. Wait. I know Tom can't. They're going to the cottage. Okay, it's Mark or Kristen.

Okay, they are changing Jim's room. Sigh. SIGH.

WE LOVE YOU GUYS

Sigh...

How many posts have I written, titled, "sigh?"

No news about the trial yet, but this place is insane. You can definately tell it's a governmental run agency with government employees. Jim's ready to come home to hospice.

An example. In the middle of a bone marrow biopsy, which Jim had already been prepped, and novacaine was given all the way to the bone, which caused him severe pain, while laying on his side, in severe pain, the doctor was waiting for 20 mins for a spinal needle, (why did you come without one) and Jim is writhing in pain. No needles, problems with pain meds...and 1 step from the biopsy, and a team shows up to bring Jim to the MRI. That trumps the biopsy, so they stop the biopsy and we start all over again.

They just brought him back. The 3rd attempt at the MRI has not worked. The barium enema that they gave him and the Ativan is not compatable with the anesthesia. So, they are going to try again at 4:00. meanwhile, they have to call the bone marrow biopsy team again. AND he can't eat or drink, but you are supposed to drink lots of water with a barium enema.

Okay, he may be a guinea pig, but he's still a human being. I could use a good dose of my sister right now.

Time to get tough.

Update from the National Cancer Institute- A MUST READ

Hi Friends and Family:

We arrived, and I could write a story already about many many experiences from the 5-lane beltway loop to the laughter, tears and fears, but I'll cut to the chase.

Jim is admitted into the hospital here.

He is NOT accepted into the Trial yet. He needs to have and pass some tests.

I knew they were very interested in Jim's case. That the NP called 3 times in one day and changed the trip, this was good. After some preliminary tests, the Doc team needed to get together and look everything over. There was much abuzz about Jim. Looking at slides, relooking, CT scans viewed over and over. And we waited and waited and waited and no word. I was fearly of coming here, hearing that the answer was no, and us having to drive back to Bob and Shelley's 1.5 hours away, with tears streaming down my eyes in 5 lanes of traffic with people speeding, and a GPS constantly saying, "recalculating, recalculating, recalculating, while I read the mapquest instructions backwards. But they kept him.

They could NOT approve him for 2 reasons.

1. His Creatinine has to be 1.5 or lower. Jim's was 1.52. So, they are running a 24 hour urine collection to get a better reading, which they will happen. I hope it does.

2. They have to make sure that the cancer has not gone into his central nervous system. If it has, he cannot be part of this study. They see "something" on his last MRI that makes them want to retest this. However, the nurse did say that they aren't scared that it has, but that they need to recheck this. I'm praying he passes that, as well.

Why?

Because after telling us why he may not be able to be part of this trial, they then told us why they want him to be able to participate in this trial. 1 gentleman with same DX went into remission for 3 years. 3 other gentlemen with same DX and history are cured. 5 years later, and no evidence of disease.

I will save for another post the emotional ramifications that this had on me.

So, please pray that Jim passes these tests. We will not know anything probably until tomorrow or the next day. I am trying hard not to get excited because after 1.5 yrs of the misDX andfalse hope, etc...I just don't want to go there, but it's hard.

ALSO, if he is NOT eligible for this trial, the docs said that there are other chemo meds that can help, AND that they believe that Jim should have an Allo stem cell transplant. They said he does NOT need to be cancer free here at the NCI, and that Jim has many choices ahead of him. Pretty amazing, considering our plans were to participate in this trial with minimal hope, but some and to go back home and continue to set up the hospice/palliative homecare plan.

I asked why the docs in PGH don't know....they're response is "we are on the cutting edge of..." So. I asked why the Cleveland Clinic didn't know....they asked who we saw, and they know who we saw. In fact, he was trained here. But he left for the big money. And we specifically asked about trials....(even me knowing about this one for months) and the doc knew nothing. One quipped, "that's what happens when you go for the big bucks, boys..." So, I don't know. But like I said, I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

I keep putting everything on the big conveyer belt back up to the sky and giving it over. I'm doing okay.

Thank you for your prayers and support. It means the world for us. Continue to pray for us.

Love Jim and Dolly (Gloria)

PS Free computer in hopt. at Jim's bedside, but will be updating just important info. Thanks.

Bye for now

Well, we are leaving tomorrow early.

Thank you all for your help and offers of help. If I didn't take you up on something, don't worry, if this works for Jim, we'll be headed down to MD every 3 weeks, you'll have plenty of opportunity for me to wear you out.

UCN-01 Treat Relapsed Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma

That's the number of the drug that Jim will be getting as part of this trial. It's not named yet. I give you the name in case you are one of those that want to look it up. (Joe)

It's geared SPECIFICALLY for Jim's type of cancer. That's really something because it is very rare. And because most people who get Jim's type of cancer are cured of it by Chemo, they rarely can find people for this trial. This is a Phase 2 trial, which is what we would have wanted. In the Phase 1 trial, one man who received this drug was still alive 5 years later, one article that I found reported. So...this is why we go. This isn't for just another strong chemo. It's for a new drug that will hopefully show Jim's cancer cells how to hit the "off" swith so that there is programmed cell death.

We have no idea how long we will be gone.

Thank you all for your everything. We are very blessed by your love and friendship.

PS

JIM WANTS YOU ALL TO GO HUNTING AT THE COTTAGE AS USUAL.

WE LEAVE THIS WEDNESDAY!!!!!!

They called us back. They want to see Jim this Wednesday.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob Shelley???? You reading this?

Do I have enough meds?
Clean clothes?
Do I have enough of my meds?
Gotta go to the bank
Pack
Take seats out of the back of the van
Put mattress in back of the van
Pick up CT scans at Passavant

OMG, I'm even more scared when I thought he wasn't going. I wish John and Leah were on fall break. You guys are coming this weekend, we won't be here, so connect with me if you need something.

Ok. I have to go breath.

leave a message after the beep

Well, I called, and left a message. So, now we just wait.

It's amazing how hard it is for me, when just days ago I WOULD HAVE BET THE WORLD that I had this tiger tamed.

So, Jim and I pray to open the doors wide for this trial or to close them, and that we will trust in Him, come what may. And of course, my heart wants them wide open. And now I find myself saddened by trusting in my God. Why is trusting God such an issue for me over and over and over and.....I'm so sick of it. Well, maybe it's not trusting God, but trusting God for positive stuff that scares me so. Once bitten, twice shy. Nice song, but come on, this is my God I'm talking about here.

And to add fuel to that fire, some of you know KNOW KNOW for months how I fought to have his slides sent down there, to be a part of this trial, to only run into snafu's and doctor's better suggestions...like the Cleveland Clinic. Yeah, that certain was worth it. I'm so angry that I didn't do what I wanted, which was NCI and not CC. I'm frustrated with that. But I know I have to let it go, and so I will. But it's there at the door of my heart taunting me with its macabre melodic ha ha, ha ha ha.

Gloria

So afraid

I haven't called the NCI yet. I'm so afraid to.

12:30 a.m.

I had to leave the bedroom for a bit.

Jim's moaning a bit in his sleep. He's in constant pain. The pain meds just make it bearable. When he stands, I can now see the swollen lymph node mass in his back near his kidney when he is standing, it's exactly where the pain is. Plus some other areas. A new area that has popped up is on his shoulder, possibly.

I'm going to go back to bed, and put my Sons of Korah CD on and worship before I fall asleep. Jim said he will go for the trial if I can get him there. So, I will be busy on the phone tomorrow.

Earlier I prayed for everyone that has been praying for Jim. When you read this, if you could pray for us and my conversation with NCI for an earlier appt. I asked God that His HS would give you the prayers that you would need to pray to have this trial door at the NCI either open up wide and soon or close fast. That God would heal Jim, either here or in Maryland or that God would quickly take him home.

Good night
I love you and thank you
Gloria (Dolly)

You know, I HATE having 2 names. Thanks Kim.

Today's 2 weird things about living with Cancer

1. Despite Jim not being sure he would go for the trial on the 19th, the chance that he will now not be able to go because of the cancer being very active again, makes him feel a bit angry. Even though he may not have wanted it, he didn't want that choice to be taken away from him, either.

2. My legs are hairier than Jim's.

Us

Oh Geeze!!!!!!

Hi Everyone:

I say "oh geeze" like the worse thing is that today I broke a nail. But the truth be known, it's "oh geeze" like, "I can't take this any more" oh geeze.

Thursday I find out about the Clinical Trial. I'm feeling balanced about it all. But I always feel balanced when Jim is stable. But I'm not trying to feel one way or another. Focusing on the Lord...etc. You've read the blog. So, anyway, earlier in the year, I started something that the Lymphoma Society offered, and long story short, they will reimburse people with NHL up to $5000 for insurance premiums, co-pays for hospital stays if you receive chemo (which is big with Jim's 15 hospital stays), travel, med co-pays etc. I put about 100 hours into paper work this since Jim's diagnosis. It's been insane what I've had to do to keep track and submit the papers. I've been telling the bill collectors, "Oh, just sit and wait for the Lymphoma Society..." We get a letter on Friday telling us they have no funds. LOL. We didn't get a penny. Not a stinkin' penny. When I finally got through on the phone, I said, you think you could have told me earlier on when you knew so that I could stop wasting my time. So, I thought, "who cares. It's just stupid money. Forget about it. NEXT....."

Well, "NEXT" is here. I went to lunch with my daughter today, (big deal here because I have been sick, and I haven't been leaving Jim for anything other than Giant Eagle). When I got home, I gave him a great big hug, and he felt warm to me. His temp was 100.00, and he tells me he has to go up on pain meds, so now he's going up to 100 mg's of oxy every 8 hours. He also has the cold sweats. This means the cancer is growing activily again. The radiation help is over. So...

They will have to get Jim into their clinical trial immediately, like next week, or there will probably not be an opportunity to be part of the trail. That's our thinking anyway.

Does anybody know anybody they can talk to? I caught myself as I write this because I'm thinking, "yeah, Dolly, how about God" and I didn't like my thought. (someone other than God, someone who will do something) But that's okay. Because it's my thought that is wrong and not my God, so that's okay. I'm sorry Lord for thinking that for a second someone could have more power than you.

Anyway, peoples, we need your prayers badly. When there is a temperature in Jim's body, the cancer is growing and it's growing fast and the pain with it. In week or so, he has upped his pain meds 4 times, and this just saddens me too too much. It's never been that active before. We are both very scared and sad.

Thanks
Gloria and Jim

Leah, I cried when you left. I missed you already. It was nice to talk with you about how much you miss your family, to hear about your mom and dad and Jess and Aaron, and how much you love your grandparents, and how excited you are about school (even the cadaver part) and everything, we talked about, and then looking at shoes, laughing at possibly watching a silly fashion show, etc. as we waited for a table at the Cheesecake Factory. It was nice with it just being us two (sorry John). You've really become my daughter, and I love you.

Love Mom

I called the Rich-doctor, he told me what to do.nananan

I called Jim's Doctor, and he thinks that we should definately go for the trial. Jim still hasn't made a decision yet. We haven't even had time to pray about it. I'll do whatever he wants to do though.

As I have walked through the past 8 years of trials to this place where I am today, the things of this world have lost their grasp on me. I don't want to say that "I don't care" about things because I do care, but the things I care about are different.

A year ago, I would have had the suitcases packed, called Bob and Shelley, started counting meds, purchased a bed for the back of the van, etc., and that would have been done in 1/2 day. Now, well, I'm waiting. I'm really waiting. I haven't even prayed about it yet. I'm sick and on antibiotic and need to recover myself before I tackle something else. If we're meant to be at the trial on November 19th, we'll be there. If not, and the Lord heals Jim without it, then he'll be healed. If not, and Jim gets worse and can't make the trip and the Lord doesn't heal him, then Jim's going home, and that's that.

It's amazing how fear takes flight when I'm not counting on the things of this world for ...well, anything. For 20 years the Lord has told me "just be" "just be" "just be" all through my journey. I'm finally starting to listen and it's very freeing.

November 19th is 2 weeks away. If Jim says yes, and can make the trip, we'll go. If he gets sicker and can't go, or just doesn't want to, we won't. That's about all I can say today because I'm sick and I'm going to go lay down.

Gloria

NCI Called....Wow

Well, the National Cancer Institute actually called today, after I had given up.

I got the name of the trial and the number of the med they are using and some preliminary data. More info to come.

Interestingly enough, when I finally found the trial at the NCI's webpage, it is for the exact and only trial that I was ever interested in, because it's for Jim's exactly cancer, which is so rare. In 4 years, they've only had 14 participants, because it's that rare. But I get ahead of myself.

Prayer time. He has an appt. but we're not sure if he's going to go or not. We'll make a decision after much prayer.

One thing I read though is that one person with Jim's exact cancer took this med and was still alive after 4 years. Hmmmmmmm. That I believe that was in Phase 1 of this trial. This trial right now is in Phase 2, which is exactly the type of trial that Jim would need. But really, I'm not going there, but it may be the impetus that Jim needs to say yes to going to Bethesda. It's up to him.

Anyway, I have to go. I watch 1 tv show each week, and it's on now.

Bye

And life goes on

For someone who wasn't that worried about the election, I was close to using Jim's pink puke pale, but thankfully I didn't need it. My guy won. JUST KIDDING.

But life goes on, and today I'm fine and find myself right where I was yesterday: with a sick husband, a stuffy nose, and another fine day to lay in bed, wishing I could be outside in the leaf rain with Jim, running through the mountains breathing in the fresh autumn air. Right now, I would be happy with being able to breathe in the stale air of my home, if just one of my sinus's would open up. :)

The National Cancer Institute has all our files, all our slides, and all our consults. They are done with all our files and slides, and have sent a report to our Doctor on 10-31, but we haven't heard a word yet.

There's a guy in Erie doing some amazing things with radiowaves and cancer. He is an engineer who has Leukemia himself and thought he would find a cure, and believe it or not, he's onto something. He almost sold his research to UPMC here in Pittsburgh, but decided not to.

Here's a story if you're interested.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/27/earlyshow/health/main3206892.shtml

Anyway, we thought we could get Mary and John to find out where he lived, and drop Jim off at his door and tell him to try it on Jim. But then I heard the experiment has moved to Houston. Oh well. :)

I'll let you know something when and if I hear anything from the doc. Either way, I'm still okay. I have no expectations. Well, at least I'm trying not to anyway.

Gloria

Stuffed noses, pain, Obama and McCain

Well, this is too funny. This is the second time I am writing this morning, even tho you see 1 post. Why? Well, I"ll tell you.

My friend Kristen bought be a new keyboard because mine was broke, and it has all these extra buttons on it. Well...let me back up. Jim's in pain so, he's up. I've got a stuffed nose, so I'm up. Elaine has turned me on to this tea called breathe easy, but you have to let it seep for 15 minutes. I had said I could probably come up with something clever with "seep" and "sleep" but I'm too tired. Anyway, this keyboard has all these buttons on the side, and I have not had the time to read the manual about it, but I was wondering what they do. The star brings up my favorite places. One brings up the e-mail, and I was mentioning these things. Then I said I wonder what the letter "S" does. Well, it's not the letter "s" It's some forward reverse kind of arrow that looks like an S. And guess what it does. It deletes everything you have written on your page. LOL. Wrong one to press. I guess I'll read the manual. Too bad the keyboard can't get up and get my reading glasses so I can see, or make my tea seep faster.

Okay, now that I'm done with silly jibberjabberings.

Jim's stage of illness is very perplexing to me right now. He's very very tired. I do think this is mainly from the radiation. I think. But he's on 80 mg's every 8 hours and now he's needing breakthrough pain medicine in between again. Does this mean we should go higher?

One thing I am very thankful for is that I fought the insurance company on our rejection of oxycontin and won. The copay for a months worth is 45.00, which isn't bad. When you go up in meds, then it's another prescription and costs 45.00, so on and so forth. Had they continued to deny us, every prescription that we would have had filled would have cost us over $300.00. And because it's time released, you can't cut pills in half and such. So, we're doing good there. Can you imagine having to pay 900.00 in 1 week for pain meds? See. I trusted God for that.


Well, the good news my friends, is that our new President to be, Mr. Obama is going to fix that for us. That won't be the first order of business, however. I believe the first order of business is going to be to pass the freedom of choice act, so that babies can be aborted up to the day before they are delivered. In fact, if they survive an abortion, I believe the protocol is to let them die. Something about, "the mother's care after the abortion is the most important thing." Then he'll fix the health care. Yeah...

So, get out there and vote people. Vote McCain or Obama, whatever your poison is, but vote.

Most people that I have heard who are voting for Obama are voting because they like his financial policies better. (or his position on war, despite the fact that none of them are enlisted or are war experts) And I wonder why do people go on and on about the money thing and vote because of the promise of more money. We live in the richest country of the world and we want more, more more. Nothing wrong with that really. We were born to have it all. Children of the King and all, till our brother and sister Adam and Eve kind of had to make us get it all through some other route, like death...but wanting to have it all seems to be our normal bent, BUT voting to have it all (like we get any of that from man rather than God) while sacrificing children, like Israel did to the Amalakites, um, pretty stupid.

There are 2 kingdoms people.

Kingdom of Light. Kingdom of Darkness. For those who are in Adam

Kingdom of Life. Kingdom of Death. For those who are in Jesus.

What we receive from those 2 kingdoms are worlds apart. In Adam we find, sin, no power, wrath, HUMAN goodness(of which there is no such thing.)

In the the Kingdom of Life, we receive, justification, reconciliation, grace, mercy, eternal life, power and friendship with God.... and on and on and on.

But the friendship with God thing is important to me. I am not going to judge whether McCain or Obama, and what Kingdom they are in. Whether they are in Adam or Jesus. But the money thing, I could care less about. If they and we are truly friends of God, in Jesus, then we are either for him or against him. And you can't be for him if you want to vote for murder, while hoping for a few more bucks in the pocket.

Okay, I'm rambling and not making myself clear, but you can hate McCain and like Obama. What I can't understand is how you can be In Jesus, in the Kingdom of Light and vote for someone who wants to okay killing babies up until they are born and consider themselves a friend of God.

BUT, remember this folks. Barack Obama is a man, a fallen man. He's a husband. He's a father of who precious little girls, and may be the leader of the best country in the world. (And yes it still is, despite the mess it's in.) And he is going to need our prayers.

McCain wasn't my first choice or who I would have endorsed if anybody had cared to ask me.

So, if we can't get the guy many of you want in the Whitehouse, then let's pray that the guy that gets in there gets changed.

Oh, crap....But then we're still stuck with Congress....Oh, I'm going to bed. I doubt that anyone has stuck around long enough to read the ramblings of a sick woman who is so far out of the political loop, she's confused as heck.

;)

Oh, but I am in the Kingdom of Life, In Jesus, the Kingdom of Light. So, I do know a bit about that.