Sick of sick

Hi Everyone:

Jim is still very sick with nausea. Much of it is caused by chemo and the rest by his severe constipation.

Pray for both of us, because I am really bothered right now, and Jim is very sick right now. I spent literally 4 hours today looking at 4 drug stores and Giant Eagle for an enema bag, and castile soap. I finally find the soap at Target. I get home and Jim refuses the enema. I feel totally inadequate and defeated. and to frustrated to make a cute joke about enemas, and I'm sure I could come up with many. On one hand he's "too sick to manage his medicine" but not too sick to make other medical decisions. This isn't the first time, either. Oh well.

Just pray
Thanks
Gloria

How's Jim you ask?

Well, he's okay, vitals and such. However, it's:

Throw up, wretch, vomit, puke, toss cookies, barf, upchuck, bile belch, gastro geyser, nostril sauce, heave, hurl, honk, and for the doctors in our family and other medically inclined folks, emesis.

Anyway you say it, my Jim's doing is. Pray that the chemo side effects stop.

Thank you

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I get your attention with the "help"

Here's what we need. Our Dishwasher has been no the blink for a while now. It's very old, but I was always able to jiggle it. NO MORE. Perfect timing.

Anyway, I need to get a new one. BUT....I do not have the time to look in consumers magazine to see what the best brand is, the best buy. I do not have time to look for the best deals, to call Best Buy, to call Sear's dent and scratch department.

Sooooo, if anyone is totally bored and wants to do that leg work for us. Well, we would appreciate it.

If we get no takers, then if you ever come here for dinner (don't hold your breath), YOU are doing the dishes...by hand. j/k.

Seriously. Perhaps your sick and can only sit and surf, or you have been in the market yourself and you already know the answers. E me.

Thanks
US

OMgosh...I AM a homecoming queen

Hi Everyone:

For those of you who know me close, I have referred to my life as not being one in which I was blah blah blah and not the homecoming queen. My friend Karen told me that in Jesus's arms, I am always the homecoming Queen, and I loved that.

BUT GUESS WHAT. I am the homecoming queen here, too.

JIM IS COMING HOME today at 5:00. Yippee. Thank you Lord. 2 days ago, I thought he wouldn't make it out of the hospital, and today he is coming home. After ~ 13 hopt. visits, Jim, just keeps coming home to his QUEEN. So, I am the homecoming queen. Okay Okay. I know. Can anyone tell I'm excited? He's never really called me a queen, but I do call him the King (he loves it...even my cell phone does the royal da da da da when it's him calling me) but then what does that make me???? A queen, right?

And to think I was crying from 5:30 a.m until 9.00. silly girl.

So, to those visitors coming to the hospital tonite. DON'T. He's coming home. And it started out as a crying day for me. It wouldn't have been pretty. You're spared. Chrissie, they would had to scrape us up off the floor. :)

So far the tests have not revealed anything about his blood. They don't think he has hemo...whatever it was.... They are doing some other tests, but he can come home. His blood now is 10.3, so that last transfusion stuck. The Lord has shown his mercy again.

Well, I must go. I have many things to do to prepare for his arrival.

Your Highness

Blood

Hi all:

Jim had a better day today than he did yesterday. It's amazing the transformation. I almost wanted him to boot him in the butt for scaring me.

There are problems however. They are concerned about the blood transfussion that they gave him that disappeared. Today they gave him another 2 units. They also are running some tests for hemolytic anemia, testing his haptoglobin and such. I believe this is something that can be autoimmune where ones own body destroys ones own blood.

I read a bit about it. WHY DO I DO THIS? They talk about removing the spleen, which Jim could not do, and such. I could not really get any clear understanding of the what if's if this is what is going on in Jim. So, I think I will just go to bed. It's 12:14. I was at the hospital another 15 hours today, and I'm beat.

However, I have to mention that my dear husband's spirits and outlook are good. As they have been since day 1 of this, some 15 months ago. What an outstanding man he is. It blows me away to try to wrap my head all around it.

Gloria

Another Update

Hi Everyone:

Here's an update of yesterday.

I didn't get any calls or e-mails from anyone wanting to know what was going on, so I'm not going to post about that. Suffice it to say that 2 days ago, my day and my talk with the Lord was beautiful and sad, but at the end of it day, I was really sad and a bit scared.

So,

• Jim's day was okay. My niece Leanne visited him, and that really blessed him. He enjoyed the visit very much. Then his nephew Tom visited him, too. And that made him feel good, too. MJ was there. She blessed us both, and while we went to lunch, that's when the others visited, so that was good timing for all.
• He was tired though. By night time, he was not doing very well.
• His blood pressure was 103 over 54, he had an elevated temp of 99.4. 20 minutes later, his temp. was 101.
• He also has had the hiccups every 2 seconds, almost. He's on some Thorazine for that, but it stopped helping. The hiccups were wearing him out. I could see how hard they were on his body, so with the fever, low blood pressure, I started wondering if the Lord was indeed going to "bring him home, and that it was going to be soon." But I'm like a feeling pendulum, so I surrendered my fear, and the Lord met me there.
• I planned on staying the night. I got his temp down, and he stopped hiccuping. His BP went up, and he was doing better. I knew I would never sleep there and would be of no use to him today, so I came home about 1:30.

TODAY

• I called and Jim did not answer the phone. So, I surrendered my fear, and the Lord met me there. :)
• Jim just called. He was talking to the nurse practitioner.
• They still have no idea why his blood did not go up after the 2 units. They are going to give him 2 more units of blood today. It hasn't dropped any more, but it hasn't gone up.
• He is eating and has gone to the bathroom again. YIPPEE. (funny how life's joy is reduced down "my husband pooped today, I'm thrilled.")

NEEDS and such

• Continue to pray. Include me too. As many of you know, I am off the charts with ADHD symptoms. I have learned to live life with this, and live quiet well with it, but the side effects of this disorder are always there waving at me. :) One of the most important things with people with ADHD is that their life be orderly, neat and to eliminate all stress. LOL. Well...that's not going to happen. So pray for me to settle down. Because I'm living on 3-4 hours of sleep, adreneline, etc., and this sends me further out there. Thanks.
• Thanks for calling about visiting. It really helps planning the day. 412-841-2438 is my cell so call if you want to visit. Unless your a brother or sister or pastor. You guys can come anytime.

You know, either way, God is going to do an amazing thing here. He's either going to welcome my husband home and say, "Well done, my faithful servant," and Jim's welcome home party will begin, or He's going to heal him, and our "thanks for staying" party will begin. Either way it's going to be amazing. And I can only say that because of His Holy Spirit that enables me to rest in him, by Him and through your prayers. So, thank you for praying for us. I have no doubt that come what may, the end result will be very good. Heart warming, or heart wrenching, but oh so very good.

We serve a GREAT GOD. That's for sure.

We love you

US

UPDATES

I'm at the hospital alot, so I don't have time to write, so I thought bullet points might do the trick.

PRAISE

• Jim's eyes didn't turn blue.
• Leah got accepted to the very first PA school she applied for. (Told you they would all want you, Leah)
• Jim went to the bathroom.

You know what. We're to give praise in all things, so I'll just include that in the bullet points below. We're praising Him for it all, through the storm.

JIM

• Jim is now on his second day of chemo.
• His eyes did NOT turn blue. Thank you Lord for that.
• Jim needed 2 units of blood and received them.
• Jim's blood is still low and needs more blood. I'm not sure if they will give him any. When Jim asked, the nurse said, the Bloodbank will kill us if we ask for more. I don't know if that was a joke or a joke that reveals a partial reality.
• I don't know what that mean about his blood count not going up despite getting two units, but it scares me about the toxicity level of the chemo.
• I called the hopt. at 2:30 in the morning scared about Jim, but he was doing well.
• I talked to him this morning, and he went to the bathroom. Yippee.
• He is emotionally doing well, too.

ME

• I am a mess with my feelings, but God is using it all, and this is good. I have so much to share if anyone is interested. But not enough time right now
• I got really scared last night on the drive home from the hospital.
• I have a horrible feeling in my stomach constantly.
• I am amazed at how wonderful the Baldauff clan really is. This includes the Rooneys, Synowiecs, McCloskeys, etc.

US

• We were both so blessed by all the visitors yesterday. It was great. I like being alone with Jim, too, but then I end up thinking too much and feelings too much, so it's helping me as well.
• We both feel very loved by our family and friends.
• We have both made many new friends the past year, month and even weeks, and it amazes us.
• We are sad to hear our Pastor Dave is leaving our church and that God has called him on to another place. We will miss him. We will miss you Dave. We so wanted to go fishing with you and Martha. We really did, but Jim's been mostly sick since we've met you. We love you. A lot. You have blessed us so very much. You are our friend. We'll fish in heaven. You owe me pennies. Lot's of them. :) It's hard. It's more loss. The past few years have been lots of loss, so that why I mention the friend thing and the family thing. He's giving back, too. I have to remember that.

Prayer

1. That Jim be healed
2. That Jim be healed
3. That Jim be healed
4. That Jim...get the picture?

Thanks. We love you.

US

BLUE EYES

Hello friends and family:

I just wanted to first say that I love you. Thank you for allowing me to cry. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Thank you for your encouragement. And mostly, thank you for your prayers. I need them and feel them.

Thank you for visiting us at the hospital and for the offers of visiting us at the hospital. Thanks for books, cards, and a hand that reaches out in love. Thanks for a genuine offer.

Many neices and nephews want to see and talk to Jim. I encourage any of you to go and visit him at Passavant if you would like to see him. He will be in there through Friday night, possible Saturday. He will do well while in the hospital, but will progressively get sicker as I bring him home, so that's not the time to visit. Plus, I'm out of coffee. ;) He loves you all so much. It's hard in a big family to always be there, to always be available and you don't see a lot of each other. But he really loves you guys.

And this big family affects me the same way. Since this has happened, I really understand and feel your love for me as well. Thanks for loving me, too.

Jim is in the hospital receiving the MINT chemo. It started yesterday. They gave him a shot for nausea and it really really bonked him out.

Eyes freak me out a bit. Thinking of poking them, losing them, etc. At the Chinese restaurant, lychees look a bit like eye balls, and it's weird to me. Although I will eat them. Sometimes I've had to stop.

Jim has beautiful blue eyes. They have lost some of their hope, some of their twinkle, and some of their vibrance. But they haven't lost their love for me. So, I look at them and I rest there. Through this sickness, I have looked at his eyes to see his love for me, knowing that he often can't show it any other way because of the cancer, nausea and weakness. One glance, and our polished-by-God history becomes present.

Jim's new chemo will make the white of his eyes blue for 24 hours. I don't want to have to see that in him. And yet I don't want to miss a day of his eyes. Pray they don't turn blue. I know that sounds silly, but it's not to me.

Okay. Well, I'm going to get ready for the hospital and to visit my dear husband.

Bye for now
Love Gloria

To the Hopt. again

Hi Everyone:

Jim's going in right now, 10:00 a.m. for MINT chemo. Room 6113 at Passavant.

I'm scared. Jim's scared.

Us

Souvenir from Wildwood

Has someone ever told you they were going to the ocean, and when they do, you remember your last ocean visit and how you loved it? "Bring me back some salt water and sand" you might say. They even sell little jars with water and sand in it, labeled, "souvenir from Wildwood." I told a friend of this and said, those jars are probably made in China.

This is how I feel about Jim. I want to bottle some of him. I want his words, his pictures, his hair, HIM, so that if he goes, I can have a piece of him any time I want to. And I don't know how to capture him.

And then I thought about those jars of water from Wildwood. They make you smile, but it's not like you're really at the beach with the sand between your toes, tasting, smelling the salt air and sunshine. It's not the real thing. The souvenir jars of Wildwood water eventually end up in the garbage or landfill.

That's how it will be if Jim dies. I can touch his hammer, and know his hand was on it, but won't be able to feel his hand. I can lay on his pillow and know his head was on it, but I can't touch his hair. I can go to the cottage that he built with his own hands, but it won't be like me and him standing in front of it, hand in hand. I can go to Chincoteague, the same cottage we stayed at and stand in the sand, but he won't be there. We won't see that red breasted nuthatch together, or catch crabs together. This is killing me? What do I do with this?

It's like when I used to work. I used to say, "If I only didn't work, I would....." And then when I didn't work anymore, I couldn't remember all the things that I said I would do. That's what it's like now. Jim's laying in bed and I want to be with him and I go and lay down next to him, and he's sleeping, and I'm bored. If I leave, I think but but but...someday I'll wish I could just lay there beside him. And yet I can't do it more than 10 minutes without thinking "it's nice to look at him, but it doesn't change anything. IS ANY OF THIS MAKING SENSE TO ANYONE?

My sister loves to take pictures. She has stacks and stacks of them. "Why," I ask her. "Don't you know that they are going to end up in a landfill some day. I have my mother's pictures. Many are faded. We don't even know who some of the people are. When I'm gone, they are gone. Johnny may keep a few. He'll probably even though many away that he is in. How many pictures can one have of the same beautiful face?

So, I know there is one good thing about that. When my "jars of Wildwood" my pictures, my stories, my memories are in the garbage or landfill, I will be with the Lord, and with my dear husband and mother and others that I love that have lived for Jesus.

But what do I do in the meantime when Jim is gone, and I so desperately just want to be able to lay next to him and look at him if he's sleeping? I'll swear then that I could do it for 24 hours straight, nonstop. I know me. What do I do when I want to feel the sand in my toes, smell the sweet scent of my husband through the salt air, and all I have is a souvenir jar of sand and water from Wildwood?

Me, Gloria

Thanks for the wonderful replies and e-mails

Hi friends and family:

I've always said I could never be the mom of ten unless I had mom-of-ten grace. I couldn't bury a child, unless I had bury-a-child grace. I could never be a martyr for Jesus unless I had-martyr-for-Jesus grace. (However, I love him so much, that one I might fight that one in my flesh. But he's so gracious, he wouldn't make me do it myself.) I never thought of it in terms of manna, but I've always known that anything I've ever gone through that was tough was because HE gave me the grace to go through it. And He has given me the grace I need for this. I know that. And He'll give me the grace for the next day and the next day....

And it's still hard. Still very very hard.

Jim is taking some lasix today as he is retaining water, probably from the tumor growth surrounding the vena cava. His hands and feet are cold, probably from the same thing, but who really knows?

Barring no emergencies between now and Monday, we won't know much about anything about the MINT until then.

I talked and prayed with a friend, Bob Flowers, today, and that always helps me. What a wonderful man he is. He shared some of his stuff when he lost his wife of 50+ years. I couldn't help but feel cheated that I've only had 12 years so far. But I know that if I had 50 with Jim I wouldn't somehow feel more content to lose him, would I? Or would I?

Anyway, Jim is reading the blog, even though he doesn't write, and he is reading the replys and such, so thank you for being a part of our lives through your outreach, prayer, responses, calls, cards, gifts, etc. We love you all.

Us

And it begins

Preparing for death, should that be God's will for Jim, is a very difficult thing.

I tried to find a picture, but couldn't off hand, and going through the pictures were too hard for me, so I stopped. But trust me on this one... Do you know that Jim every year makes me a lemon meringue pie for my birthday. That an quiche. But that pie. mmmmmmm. It's usually about 10 inches tall and anyone who has ever had a piece knows that it is the best lemon meringue pie they have ever eaten.

His pumpkin pie is it's equal. He loves that his son John loves it the best.

Jim is laying in bed writing down the recipes for me so that I have them.

Oh my soul...

The bottom line

Hi Everyone:

Well, we didn't stay in Cleveland. Jim did all right with the ride, so we were happy to come home and sleep in our bed.

The visit to the Cleveland Clinic was a very expensive trip to hear more of the same. I was very nervous the day and the time before the visit. "What if there is something they could do that could really reverse all this?" I was nervous to think that it was possible because if it was and then it didn't work, I would have to go through all the deflating all over gain. So, I actually never cried once during the visit or on the way home. I really had no great expectations, and I wasn't disappointed. Jim and I had a very nice drive home, actually. We were invited to visit our son in Canton, to watch a bunch of college kids race each other on couches. LOL. But Jim was too tired for that.

The doctor up there told our Oncologist that they have some other protocols that they could use...but that was based on the fact that he didn't have the full pathology report from Presby's labs. He definately wanted Jim's labs because he felt there wasn't enough testing done on them. Once he saw the lab results that I had, he was assured that the right tests were done. He is still going to have his pathology department review them, but he does not believe the findings will be any different.

So, he told us to go home and try the MINT chemo. He said it's worth a shot. One never knows. He said, who knows, what could happen and looked up. We are still looking up, too. Have not and will not give up praying and hoping for a healing.

I've been told that I haven't been very clear about what is going on, so here is the bottom line.

Jim is going to get a few treatments of MINT. Most doctors agree that it will not put Jim's chemo into remission. If it did, a stem cell transplant could be done, and that would give Jim perhaps an extra year of life. None of us believe that it will ever get to the stem cell transplant stage or any other stage outside of a healing from God.

So, Jim will try the MINT. If it does not work, then they can give Jim small doses of pill forms of chemo to try to keep the tumors down, but that usually fails fairly quick. And Jim's not sure he would even use chemo for palliative care. I think right now he's thinking if MINT doesn't work, then he's done. The max that Jim could live would then be 6 months, with the most likely scenerio being 1 to 2 months, if not earlier, depending on the tumors and what they do.

Do you know that it is only by the Grace of God that I can even type this, let alone type this with no tears, let alone type this and still have the ability to smile?

If I allow myself fully feel, to fully think about anything but today and the fact that I have my husband alive right in the other room and I can now run to him for a hug, my heart almost stops beating. So, I can't.

I got the most beautiful e-mail from someone I think is going to be a dear friend to me in the future, as she's dear in who she is period. I've just not had much time to get to know her more. But she wrote: Don't look down in the water like Peter did - keep fixing those brown eyes on your Master.

That's what I have to do or I sink. I sink down to the place of "Why God" "Woe is me" "I'll never survive" "I'm cursed" "God mustn't be very fond of me, really after all" "What did I do wrong" "Why me" and on and on. All lies. All robbing of me today with Jim. All lies that lead me away from the only true place of comfort: In the throne room, on his lap, crying my eyes out, asking the author of comfort to once again "oh comfort me Dear God."

Gloria

We're off

Okay all you prayer warriors. Get out your bibles and use God's own Words to Pray for Jim.

If it's not His will to heal Jim, get him to change his mind, like Moses did, when he reminded God of his covenant and Abraham and Issac and Jacob.

Just like King Hezekiah did in the book of Isaiah when king of Assyria sent Rabshakeh to King Hezekiah with his large army, and they mocked him, his army and the mocked God saying that God could not deliver them. (Isaiah 36)

In Isaiah 37 (I love this) Hezekiah, covers himself with sackcloth and enters the house of the Lord and a bunch goes on, but he takes a letter from the Lord and spreads it out before the LORD basically saying, "Oh Lord, God of Isrial, you are God alone and he praises Him, and asks Him to hear him. He then takes God's own word about what God has spoken against the King of Assyria and prays to God.

So, let's all remind God what his words says about the defeating the enemy, battling fear, long life, etc.

Deut. 6: 1-2- fear the lord = long life
1 King 3:14 = long life
Psalm 91:16 = long life
Psalm 119:40 = long life
Proverbs 3:16 = long life
Proverbs 28:16 = long life
Proverbs 13:12 = long life

Sense a theme that I want Jim to live?

Well, time to get ready.

Pray that God would give us a mind. Can you believe we don't have 1 question written down? Oh my

Love us

THE FUTURE

If Jim dies from this soon, I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to put on my favorite bikini, fly to Iran, get off the plane without whereing that tent black what-ever-you call it, telling all the Iranians about Jesus, screaming it at the top of my lungs. Jesus lives. Muhammad is a false God and is dead and powerless.... blah blah blah

So, they'll either chop off my head because of Jesus

or

because of me, well, being in the bikini. LOL

Jim's okay with this, except for the bikini part.

Gloria

One more day

Hi All:

One more day until we get to the Cleveland Clinic. I'm not sure exactly what that means. I almost pretend like going there, we are going to hear, "Oh, my this is simple, all we have to do is...." I know that's not what it's going to be about. I want an 8 course meal, but know that I am going to get a few kernels of corn.

Jim isn't eating much today or yesterday. And he's throwing up, which is pretty crappy for him. My poor poor dear husband.

I don't think there is any way that I can convey what a treasure this husband of mine is. Our family knows, but no one knows more than I do, and it's so hard to express how hard this all is.

Well, I'm off to go give him a kiss.

Me

Pain and Temperature

Please pray that Jim's temp and pain stay down. We have 1.5 days until the Cleveland Clinic and yet his temp continues to go up.

Thanks
Us

What Presby said

Well, I called Presby to get the "other" slides, and here's what they said.

"I da see Bordorf in my capuder. Speld dit gen, peas."

"B A L D A U F F"

"ya, Bordorf in noit in my capuder.

So I gave her the case number and she said.

"I gna has to tranfer zu coz I dudnt do lin node. Lin nodes are a spetzul depotment."

So I said okay.

And then the new lady said

"I can't get them to you by Thursday."

So, I said, "Okay, well, if you can, call, if not, could you please send them to the Cleveland Clinic at ... whenever you can? Thank you.

And I decided right then and there (after a nice conversation with my friend Kristen) that I am no longer going to micro-manage, fuss, worry, complain or be anxious about everything that goes wrong. Doing all of that doesn't change the circumstances, and chilling will change me. God is in charge, even when it looks like everything is going wrong. He's bigger, I'll let him fix it. Besides that, I'm tired, and not liking myself very much anymore.

So, make sure you all keep me accountable.

Gloria

Today's Drama, just for laughs

So, we go to Passavant to pick up the slides from the biopsy that Cleveland Clinic has to have
and the PET CT scans they want.

The slides are all sealed up in an envelope ready to go. But me, being the nebnose that I am, opened them up. And here's the cover letter.

Dear Dr. Dean:

Additional slides are available on case PvS08 at the UPMC Presbyterian Facility. If you would like or need these slides....

HELLO. PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Why isn't 1 thing JUST ONE TINY THING able to work out?

Is this unbelievable? Well, today as I was cutting the grass, I just started praising God for all kinds of things. I'll just go finish the grass and continue to give him praise. Dear God, I thank you for the idiots in the medical community that I have had to deal with...I'm just kidding folks, and God, but geeze it sure feels good to joke and laugh about it. Otherwise, I might end up in the mental ward.

Gotta go call Presby, so I have to run. This only gives me 2.5 hours left of medical phone tag for August 16, 2008.

:)
Gloria

hells bells

Does the insanity ever end?

• Cleveland Clinic (CC) has no record of our appt for Wednesday.
• Passavant is giving us flack about getting our slides and hand delivering them to the CC, if we can get the appt. thing straightened out.
• Phones are down at our doctors office to help us straighten this out.
• Which means the doc also can't fax our insurance so that we can get an approval for a different procedure, but it's also at the Cleveland Clinic and we want to see if we can combine the 2.
• The appt. is now set for Thursday if....
• We have to give them our credit card number so they can charge $1000.00 for the appt.
• And that does NOT include the labs.

And yet Jim's tumor continues to grow and grow and grow...

DROP HEALTH AMERICA IF YOU HAVE IT... NOW.

Only Jesus

Hi folks:

Jim is doing okay. He had some visitors on Sunday and that was good for him. It tired him out, but he enjoyed seeing them very muchly.

We are presently playing games with Health America, but we thik we will win this one.

Jim goes to the Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion on Wednesday, and so far it looks like he is going to be able to make it, however, I still may try for an appt for tomorrow. I don't know.

Jim is back on pain medicine, as it was just hurting too much.

I read the bios of the doctor we are going to see at the Cleveland Clinic, and I am impressed. When I saw the picture of him, I laughed, as he looks like a pimple faced kid out of highschool. But I like it. He's young, gutsy and on the high end of the gene pool.

Despite all that, Jim has an aggressive cancer that went indolent. Recommended treatment for that is palliative care, which is the soothing of a disease's symptoms without it effecting a cure.
So, we shall see what he says.

However, we still seek a cure from an old doctor, a great physician who is about 2000 years old. It's a family business. His father is a doctor also and he's been treating since the beginning of time. The really cool thing about this group, is that I don't have to sign releases for slides. They already know what's on them. They have great bedside manners, even if I don't sometimes agree with their ways or understand what they are doing. They are very gentle, too. They can treat any disease and cure any disease or ailment. One word to them, and you find yourself presently consulting with them, so you don't have to wait weeks for an appt. Not even a minute, actually. Of course all of this makes them the most sought after doctors in the world. Amazingly, if they don't cure Jim here, they take him home to their mansion to cure him there. That's not to shabby for him, but darn, they won't take me at the same time.

And the best thing of all.... THEY WILL SEE JIM AND TREAT HIM DESPITE OUR INSURANCE BEING DEATH AMERICA...I MEAN HEALTH AMERICA. LOL

So, it all rests in Jesus' hands, as it did from day one. I'm going to go talk to him for a while about why that scares me. Talk to you later.

US

answers, finally

All this time, the hardest thing has been God's silence. With Jim's fever and intense cancer pain back, we now know that the Budwig diet and the Sodium Chlorite are not working.

Jim FINALLY has an appt. at the Cleveland Clinic for Wednesday. The pain is coming back so strong, we're not sure he could make the trip. He's fighting going back on pain meds, but we'll see what tomorrow brings.

You know, it's weird. Jim and I just lay in bed and prayed and praised the Lord. I have more peace in my spirit than I have had in a long time.

I think I'll make him eggs and toast for breakfast. Take that Mrs. Budwig.

Good night
Gloria

Oh my

After all the fighting to hear from God, to get labs done, to get my dad placed to....

Jim's fever is back. 100.1. More than likely, the cancer is growing fast again. And so very fastly, the pain is accompanying it.

Jim and I have sung this song for a year now, and we continue to do so. I share it with you.

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away.

Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side

and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Us

LOL

I used to be an emotional pendulum. Swinging broad this way and that way. And through the years that went away.

IT'S BACK!!!!!!

YIKES!!!!! GET THE NET!!!! SHE'S LOOSE!!!!!

What IS God leading us to do?

Rachel, my dearest friend, posted a long replay to my last blog, where she mentions how hard it is to hear what God is doing... Um, yeah.

Has everyone heard about the story about the dad and his autistic son who was swimming by Daytona Beach in the evening and got swept away? This just happened a few days ago. Well, the son doesn't respond to much, but loves Disney movies, so the father kept saying..."to eternity" from Buzz Light-year, or something on that order. And they tread water and it got dark. And "to eternity" got farther and farther away, until the dad and son could not hear each other anymore. They were out there through the night. No one knew if they were dead or alive, but they were searched for.In the morning the father was found. AMAZING...TREADED WATER ALL NIGHT. He went with the coast guard to continue the search for the son, but wanted to be downstairs of the boat, as he didn't have the heart to see his son "bobbing face down in the water." A while later, he is told that another boat has found and picked up his son...Alive. This autistic boy treaded water all through the night too. That story warmed my heart for that family. That poor boy and his family.

If their family were christians, they got some people to pray quick, within 18 hours, through the night, how many were praying. 20? 60? 100? If they did pray, their prayers were answered in a yes response.

Jim has been sick for over a year. He's on more prayer lists that I can imagine. People I don't even know have fasted for him. And not only can't we hear what our Father in Heaven is saying to us about the big life or death issue, but he's quiet on other issues, too. And not helping me out. For instance yesterday, I spent 5 hours finding Jim's lab that West Penn Hopt mess up, tracking them down, trying to get them to National Cancer Institute. Today that is all cancelled out. God, you knew that. Okay, you don't want to save our lives? How about a heads up to "don't waste your time down that rabbit trail." (Jim say's I'm gushing again.)

Now I'm to do down the Cleveland Clinic rabbit trail again, and I can't get a correct answer from anybody. God, I'm asking you for a little thing. You don't have to keep me treading in water for 10 hours, just have someone who knows something answer the phone, so I don't get wrong information...again.

God, why couldn't you have spared me days of useless legwork. And since this has started. There have been many many days of that stuff. I couldn't begin to bore you readers.

So, I'll wrap this up. God, you can keep 2 people alive in the waters all night long, and I'm so thankful to you for doing that. That delights my soul. But we could just use a touch. If you don't want to heal us, can you just tell us? Or at the very least, tell us to rest and stop our trying. What hopt. do we go to? Can you spare me 4 hours of leg work if it's all for not? Did my dad have to be expelled from that one nursing home to have to go to another that is double in cost, right in the midst of all of this? Does the Lincare people, for my breathing treatment have to show up exactly at the same time that our Oncologist calls this morning? And I can go on and on God. I'm sorry. I don't get you.

Here's the part that makes me, well, kind of sad, about my relationship with God. I walk closer to him as I grow through grief. I trust him more as I grow through grief. I get a bigger picture of his bigger picture through life's grief. But lately, personally, the relationship is almost robotic. Even the "jumping in his lap" "imagining myself in the palm of his hand" is sort of robotic. It kind of feels like say, you just had this huge HUGE HUGE fight with your husband. After all the war, you apologize and make up and give each other the tentative hug. You know you love each other, but a little time needs to pass so you can get rid of the uglies and reconnect. (this is obviously years after the honeymoon, where you would immediately run, you know where...) So, there you are, hugging the one you love, but you really just would rather not be around him because even though you know he loves you, it hurts right now to be in relationship with him.

That's how I feel.

I know God that you have hugely revealed yourself and your love to me through this through your people, and I am thankful for it. I get that. And I am thankful for that. I guess I would just rather be on the giving end. LOL.

Anybody wants Jim's Cancer? I'll come and cut your grass, cook, for you, etc. Oh, I might go on vacation and out to dinner for a while, but I'll be back with more love. ANY TAKERS? lol. I didn't think so.

I guess if you were pathetically human like I am, God, you would have asked that same question when you sent your son to the cross, huh? Any takers, you would have asked. Anybody out there without sin who would like to be punished beyond belief? And there were none.

So, now I say yes to your cross. And Jim, I'm not gushing again. I'm moaning again.

But, hey Abba, please, pretty please with sugar on top, could you cut me a break for a day?

Summertime

Cancer stole fishing from us in 2007 and 2008, but we did sneak in 15 mins this past weekend. We didn't have any live bait or a license, but we couldn't resist. But no hits. Just Jim's smile. So, then I put on my bikini, and Jim put on his 1980's speedo, and we swam for an hour in the lovely Tionesta. Awwww.







For Christmas, I bought Jim a sign for our home that says, "Heaven is a little closer in Cherry Grove." That's were our cottage is for those of you who don't know. It's so quiet and peaceful. And it is a little closer.......um a little too close, when I think of it.

Sorry

Sorry guys.

No one should have to read my pity party. Time to go shopping and buy a new dress for the pity party I'm having....and that bottle of wine for that glass that Jim suggested I drink. I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 a.m. It might take 2 glasses.

Just kidding. Just me being weird.

Gloria

LOL

Jim's response to my post was this:

"Wow, you really gushed. You need some wine."

LOL

Well, that laugh felt a little bit good.

Answer to questions

Kristen, we hear you. I miss you.

Actually, Judi, Jim all of a sudden isn't feeling so well. We think the new tumor on his spine is hitting his nerves, because his hip and knee are giving out. Also, his one eye is dilated, and the other is not. He is very tired and exhausted. And I am too. God has given me a terrific level of stamina, and I truly do not believe that anyone could have done what I have done the last 2 days, but I have to tell you, I'm angry at it, also. I AM BEAT. If I had a gun, and Johanna Budwig were not dead, she would be now. This diet is absolutely rediculous and is ruining our lives, just as much as the cancer is, in my honest opinion.

The sodium stuff, is an alternative medicine that is supposed to "cure" cancer, based on the "fact" that it is a very good cure of malaria in Africa. Based on how Jim is feeling now and looking now, I would say it is not working. Yes, it has burned a lot of his skin, but it's getting better now, too. That was from rubbing it into the skin. But now he is drinking it in juice, and he's not feeling good. Now, they say, that could be evidence that it is hitting the cancer, but you know what? I'm sick of it all. Period. I think all of it is a happy bunch of horse ship, and I'm tired. I just got done cleaning the juicer and the other juicer, and there is "healthy" sauce on the stove, despite Jim is not supposed to eat much cooked food, but he's sick of the flax oil, cottage cheese stuff, and blah blah blah.

So, Judi, thanks for your prayers for the wisdom, because we need them.

I found a place for my dad today, after 2 days. It costs double of the place that dumped him, and he will run out of money probably after a year, and then who knows what. Not going there. So, thanks for asking about that the other day.

Joe, and Erika, yeah, we agree with you. It's not promising. The bottom line is this.

Jim has a very VERY VERY aggressive form of T cell NHL. It usually responds well to Chemo. BUT when it doesn't, percentages are pathetic, and the response that one does get usually lasts a few months to a few years.

Bottom line is we need a miracle. God has to heal him. And all this other stuff, alternative or conventional is a flash in the pan. And in the meantime, I feel like it's stealing what little time I have with my husband. I mean, I guess it isn't, if he's still alive. And we did have fun for a few days up the cottage. But there is a high price to pay for it. I don't know.

I would love to go to dinner with my husband and lay in bed with him and talk. But noooooooooo, we're too busy rubbing on ointments, or juicing, or drinking ointments, or getting chemo, or puking from chemo, or.... and yet to not do any of those things and to go to one dinner and lay on the bed talking is tantamount to a death wish, whether we're trusting in chemo, alternative or God.

So we keep doing and doing and doing. Tomorrow, we got to the doc, and then we go to the wine store to buy bins, so that we can make our own sauerkraut for the budwig diet. Cut cabbage all day, clean all day, and don't forget the juicing in between, oh, and drink the sodium Chlorite... and by the time we're all done with this, Jim's cancer will probably take me with him, cause I won't have nothing left. But guess what. IMHO, that would be a good thing.

Adios folks from both of us

Sorry for the sarcasm, the skepticism, the realism, or whatever type of ism or asm it is. I'm tired, and I have NO ANSWERS.

But I do love you all. And I wish it were different. And I wish it wasn't 10:40 and I wasn't crying, and I didn't have to put my dad in a home so far away from me, and that I didn't have to fill out 50 papers tomorrow and that I didn't need surgery on my gland, and/or that I could get the surgery cause it's really hurting, and that my husband wasn't laying in bed wearing himself out trying anything that could possible take this cancer away.

I'm so sick of the word. I'm sick to death of it.

I'll let you know tomorrow if all this ranting and raving made me feel better. Thanks for listening.

Me, standing in for Us

MINT

Info on Jim's possible next treatment.

http://www.springerlink.com/content/l50q383845274746/

New Chemo?

Hi Everyone:

Well, our doctor called and said he spoke to Dr. Agha at Hillman Cancer Center, the Director of Stem Cell Transplant. Dr. Agha, believes that Jim should immediately be put on MINT chemo and then go to Cleveland Clinic for Stem Cell. Hard to find any info on MINT chemo, as I believe it was a small trial. The Doc said it showed some promise. What we found is that out of 35 members of the trial, 9 got better, but we don't know for how long. It's real hard to understand the info about these numbers. For instance, Jim's 80 percent chance of it going away with CHOP was wrong, as was the 40 percent with ESHAP. So, this 25 percent chance??? Then it mentions something about adding 2 to 10 months of life to the others, and blah blah blah??? So, everyone, take the poll. What do you think?

In the meantime, Jim is burning his skin off with MMS (Sodium chlorite) added to DMSO. He's getting ammonia burps with the Budwig Diet, and he's drinking the MMS with pineapple juice, as alternatives. Yikes. So far, so good. He hasn't felt this good in a long time. This is the longest he's been off chemo in 7 months, and his blood is a bit stronger and that just feels good. And yet, the cancer could be growing as I type. Or God could have already healed him. We are so weary.

Jim and Gloria
I typed, Jim pointed out all the typos and made me write things like (sodium chlorite) and the correct percentages...after all, he is an engineer, you know.

Home

Hello:

Well we are home from a very wonderful, and yet painful weekend at our cottage.

I would say that it was more painful for me, Gloria, as it was for Jim. It's painful for Jim to see me crying so much. It's painful for me to know that if God takes Jim home, that I will actually feel worse than I feel now.

Years ago I struggled with "Doesn't God like me?" "am I paying for this because I..." type of thoughts. And it's been a good work in me and a long time since I've felt some of those things. I can feel the enemy wanting me to go there, and I kind of laugh at that. And yet coming into view is a faint picture of a thought that goes like this. "Perhaps it is possible that God doesn't like me, and perhaps I should think that way, I mean after all..." I won't let that thought nest in my hair, so close to my brain, and yet it feels like it, and so it nests in my heart. Once again, I find myself on the outside looking in.

While at the cottage, I did have some relief from the tears. LOL. The relief came in the form of phone calls about my father, who is in the hospital. As most of you know, he has Altzheimer's and has been in and out of the hopt with real and imaginary illnesses. The home he is in is pathetic. With Jim being sick this past year, I've not been able to do much for my dad in regard to change and such. So, my dad goes to the hospital and has a blood clot and they say he needs shots, but now his blood is too thin. In the meantime, Elmcroft, where my father has been staying, says they can't handle him any more. (well, hire more staff, when people quit, as they are apt to do every other week.) So, I am going today to look for a new place for my father to live. A place that will love him, take care of him, give him his medicine.....oh, wake up, Gloria. A place that has a bed.

Dear, you know who, thank you sooooooooo much for installing our downspout and repairing our gutters and painting for us while we were away. I think it was the only exhale that I took the whole weekend that came out easy, that wasn't strained. "Oh, there it is. There it is. There's the love of God that is so hard to find in all this pain. Thanks for being there. You and your dear wife become more and more dear to us as we watch you work in our lives. You give so much and we desire to serve and become more like you. Thanks for more than you know.

I've saved the best for last. Jim is feeling well. He does not have a temp, which at least makes the exhaling for me a bit easy. Oh, I touch him lovingly here and there, because I love him, but also to see if he's feeling hot. So far he's not. He feels better than he's felt in a long time. This is the first time in 6 months that he's not been getting chemo or in the hopt. His feet are still numb, but he's doing really well.

The piece de' resistance....Jim and I went swimming down the Tionesta. We walked across the creek and checked out the wilderness, and looked for various wildflowers, mushrooms, animal evidence, whatever we would find. Chewed on some Elderberries... We took many golf cart rides, a nice walk. Layed around. Went to the Hatch Patch and got some really good corn. Visited with our neighbor friends up there. We got to sit at their fire and didn't have to do the work of building the fire. They even fed me (Thanks guys, you're the best.) the best fire pies I ever had. We looked for glow worms, but didn't find any. And we talked of the many things we've done over the years. And after all my journeling, tears and talks, we have finally named our cottage.

"Made of Love"

Us

cottage

we are going to our beloved cottage. We pray this isn't the last time of our lives, yet it may be. Please pray for us.

waking up

I woke up this morning and smiled. It wasn't the "old" smile, the one where life felt good and I wondered what me, Jim and God would be doing today. In those days, I would bounce up at 6 a.m. and whistle my way to the gym, bible study or garden.

It was the new smile. The weary one. The "we're fighting cancer" smile. It wasn't a smile filled with bounce, but there was a bit of hope in it.

And then I remembered. We're losing the battle. And my smile went away. And an elephant visited. So I layed there with that elephant on my chest. I can't get him off of me so that I can breathe normal or move around normal, any more than I can get Jim's cancer to go away.

I don't know how to turn the "old" smile, into the "new" smile. Apparantly me, Jim and God are still doing things each day that we're both alive. It's just hard to smile about it because it hurts so much. I don't know how to be any less damn human. I don't know how to get away from this earth and its pain. I don't know how to stop crying. And I don't know....how to even put it into words.

The day

Hi Everyone:

Today was the day we went to talk to the doctor to see the results of the PET scan.

It's been a very hard day.

Jim's tumor is the same size, and still has the same amount of uptake. There is also new tumor near the spine growing with the same amount of uptake.

The Chemo is not working.

The doctor mentioned that he would look to see if there were any clinical trials available for Jim. I think he just wanted to throw us a bone, as I do believe this was hard for him, too. He really likes us. We like him, too. He said that ESHAP is about the strongest weapon they have for Jim's type of cancer. It just didn't work.

I can't even begin to explain how I feel, so I won't.
Just wanted to let you all know this terribly sad news. Pray for us. Pray that I am able to enjoy these possible last days with my dear husband, rather than cry/die through them.

Love from Us