The bottom line

Hi Everyone:

Well, we didn't stay in Cleveland. Jim did all right with the ride, so we were happy to come home and sleep in our bed.

The visit to the Cleveland Clinic was a very expensive trip to hear more of the same. I was very nervous the day and the time before the visit. "What if there is something they could do that could really reverse all this?" I was nervous to think that it was possible because if it was and then it didn't work, I would have to go through all the deflating all over gain. So, I actually never cried once during the visit or on the way home. I really had no great expectations, and I wasn't disappointed. Jim and I had a very nice drive home, actually. We were invited to visit our son in Canton, to watch a bunch of college kids race each other on couches. LOL. But Jim was too tired for that.

The doctor up there told our Oncologist that they have some other protocols that they could use...but that was based on the fact that he didn't have the full pathology report from Presby's labs. He definately wanted Jim's labs because he felt there wasn't enough testing done on them. Once he saw the lab results that I had, he was assured that the right tests were done. He is still going to have his pathology department review them, but he does not believe the findings will be any different.

So, he told us to go home and try the MINT chemo. He said it's worth a shot. One never knows. He said, who knows, what could happen and looked up. We are still looking up, too. Have not and will not give up praying and hoping for a healing.

I've been told that I haven't been very clear about what is going on, so here is the bottom line.

Jim is going to get a few treatments of MINT. Most doctors agree that it will not put Jim's chemo into remission. If it did, a stem cell transplant could be done, and that would give Jim perhaps an extra year of life. None of us believe that it will ever get to the stem cell transplant stage or any other stage outside of a healing from God.

So, Jim will try the MINT. If it does not work, then they can give Jim small doses of pill forms of chemo to try to keep the tumors down, but that usually fails fairly quick. And Jim's not sure he would even use chemo for palliative care. I think right now he's thinking if MINT doesn't work, then he's done. The max that Jim could live would then be 6 months, with the most likely scenerio being 1 to 2 months, if not earlier, depending on the tumors and what they do.

Do you know that it is only by the Grace of God that I can even type this, let alone type this with no tears, let alone type this and still have the ability to smile?

If I allow myself fully feel, to fully think about anything but today and the fact that I have my husband alive right in the other room and I can now run to him for a hug, my heart almost stops beating. So, I can't.

I got the most beautiful e-mail from someone I think is going to be a dear friend to me in the future, as she's dear in who she is period. I've just not had much time to get to know her more. But she wrote: Don't look down in the water like Peter did - keep fixing those brown eyes on your Master.

That's what I have to do or I sink. I sink down to the place of "Why God" "Woe is me" "I'll never survive" "I'm cursed" "God mustn't be very fond of me, really after all" "What did I do wrong" "Why me" and on and on. All lies. All robbing of me today with Jim. All lies that lead me away from the only true place of comfort: In the throne room, on his lap, crying my eyes out, asking the author of comfort to once again "oh comfort me Dear God."

Gloria