Well, we're home.
It was WONDERFUL to drive there and not worry about breaking down. THANK YOU JESUS.
As for Jim's pain, I think the Lord kind of spoke to me a bit while down there about the situation. I'm seeing that it's not that the docs down there don't care or know how to help Jim. Not at all. They care very much. They just know that it's amazing that Jim is even alive with the amount of toxic chemo that he has had, let alone how they can heal his body from the ramifications of that. It made me feel better too. Because I could see that they really do care, in as much as a doctor allows themselves to care about their patients. They really want to help, but they know that they know that the damage to Jim's body because of the chemo is tremendous. Now, while they can't feel it, they also know they can't heal it. So, they hmmm and hawww, and try this and that.
So today Jim tried Celebrex. Why? For the heck of it. They want him to up his pain meds again, but we talked about the problems that brings. They put him back on the neurontin, not that it helped, and the pain team suggested we try Cymbalta (sp) which about made us gag, because we have laughed for years at the commercials for that drug. They make it sound so wonderful while they also at the same time tell you how it can kill you in 30 different ways. So, we don't even consider that. But they basically said, "we're running out of options. And I guess we've known this. And we're just waiting on the Lord, and if he doesn't heal Jim, then he's going to use this for something. In the interim of a healing or acceptance of a life of extreme pain, we'll just keep on doing what we're doing I guess. The problem is....WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK WE'RE DOING. :)
We have to go down in 5 weeks. Jim has a PET scan again to see if he's still cancer free. It sure gets weary going there and all. And then tonight we have to add another hour to our day? Pleeze. Couldn't we take a few away. It's going to be a long winter...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
NIH or Bust
Well, we are headed down to the NIH today. It's been 6 weeks, and we wanted to go to Bob and Shelley's, but the plumbing problem is NOT solved yet, guys. So sorry, we can't come down. John and Leah are coming home, and we're trying to get that plumbing problem solved, but it isn't happening yet. Long story without a good ending, but I think you readers have had enough of them, of I won't be reporting on that kind of stuff anymore, but I just wanted to add that so that Bob and Shelly know why, ONCE AGAIN, we cannot come down.
Pray for good travel for us. Jim is in a lot of pain, and there is just nothing I can do for him, and the ride is so hard on him when he is in pain. Lord, please PLEEZE give those doctors ears to hear and a willingness to help. Allow them to suggest Jim see a neurologist down there. The ones around here are stinko so far that Jim has seen. Jim's convinced that some of this pain is from his vertebre problem in his back. I think he might be onto something. Maybe.
Oh, Lord just take it all away and restore the years the locusts have eaten. Oh, I know he will some day. And it will be glorious. Give us a taste of it now though. :) Thanks Dad.
Pray for good travel for us. Jim is in a lot of pain, and there is just nothing I can do for him, and the ride is so hard on him when he is in pain. Lord, please PLEEZE give those doctors ears to hear and a willingness to help. Allow them to suggest Jim see a neurologist down there. The ones around here are stinko so far that Jim has seen. Jim's convinced that some of this pain is from his vertebre problem in his back. I think he might be onto something. Maybe.
Oh, Lord just take it all away and restore the years the locusts have eaten. Oh, I know he will some day. And it will be glorious. Give us a taste of it now though. :) Thanks Dad.
Friday, October 23, 2009
LOL
Nice try, Kell.... Ask Kim. She'll tell you. I DON'T DO DIAPERS, unless it's an extreme emergency. :)
I think we need a flu blog. Okay. Honey Bee and Alex, we are praying for you 2 little ones. Let us know if anyone else needs our prayers.
I think we need a flu blog. Okay. Honey Bee and Alex, we are praying for you 2 little ones. Let us know if anyone else needs our prayers.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Let's all pray for everyone
Well, of course we need prayer. And I'll get to that. My my 2 dear sister in laws are sick, Judy and MJ, and they need prayer. They both have been down for a while now and continue to be afflicted in some manner or another.
Last night Jim went for a sleep study. The pain pills are causing him not to breathe right, so he has moderate sleep apnea and will need a machine.
And very scared am I for my whole family. My honeybee has H1N1, the swine flu. And guess who was around her. Me and Jim. And of course Kim and Mark and the whole family are being treated. And baby owen. It's all so very scary. Pray for the protection of the kids and that JIM DOESN'T get it. He was exposed to her on Sunday, and Kim and Mark are exposed to her every single day cause who could stay away from that sweet thing.
I think the body of Christ is under attack. Let's all pray for each other.
Speaking of "sweet things." I was sooooooooooooooooooooooo sad and lonely that I couldn't go to the shower and see all the "sweeeeeeeeeeeeee things of my family." I have yet to meet many of the new children in my family. I haven't seen my sisters in what feels like forever, and I miss them so badly. I see pics on facebook and such, but it's not the same as kissing their sweet faces. But look where kissing leads us. Sick. :)
But I'm sorry I didn't get to see you. I miss you.
Last night Jim went for a sleep study. The pain pills are causing him not to breathe right, so he has moderate sleep apnea and will need a machine.
And very scared am I for my whole family. My honeybee has H1N1, the swine flu. And guess who was around her. Me and Jim. And of course Kim and Mark and the whole family are being treated. And baby owen. It's all so very scary. Pray for the protection of the kids and that JIM DOESN'T get it. He was exposed to her on Sunday, and Kim and Mark are exposed to her every single day cause who could stay away from that sweet thing.
I think the body of Christ is under attack. Let's all pray for each other.
Speaking of "sweet things." I was sooooooooooooooooooooooo sad and lonely that I couldn't go to the shower and see all the "sweeeeeeeeeeeeee things of my family." I have yet to meet many of the new children in my family. I haven't seen my sisters in what feels like forever, and I miss them so badly. I see pics on facebook and such, but it's not the same as kissing their sweet faces. But look where kissing leads us. Sick. :)
But I'm sorry I didn't get to see you. I miss you.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
It's the little things in life...
Like last night Jim wiggled his baby toe. Well, it was more of a nudge, but it moved.
:)
:)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Today's mindless wanderings
After my last blog post, I once again thought. "Why bother writing." I mean it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. It sounded joyless. And yet I have joy. It sounded unhappy. I am unhappy. I'm tired of sickness and troubles, and not very much sunshine. I'm tired of never catching a break. I mean. I guess it's a good thing that they didn't steal anything in the shed, but if they had, we really wouldn't have cared much. We don't care much these days.
I cried when I left the cottage for a different reason this year.
I used to cry because we were closing it up for the season. And we had so much fun and made so many memories, that it was just sad to me and I was going to miss it.
Last year I cried, because I thought it was the last time I would be there with Jim. (Now, you might say, "See, Dolly, there's a reason to be happy." Well, yeah. Of course, but it's as deep as it is wide, and either I don't communicate well or you don't know me well. Of course I'm glad that my dear husband is alive. I just would be more glad that on the only time we got to go up there ourselves this year, that I hadn't gotten very ill and that Jim didn't have to go into town to buy a lock and me gingerale, etc.)
This year I cried because I wasn't sad at all that we were leaving. In fact, we will probably have to sell the place. (I'll cry then, cause it will break Jim's heart) I hated that I wasn't sad that we were closing the place up. I hated that I wasn't excited about next year's happenings and discoveries. I hated that it just didn't matter. That nothing does matter.
So, anyway, I was going to come up and write again and say, "Hey people, I don't mean to sound like Dolly downer or Gloria grim, but we just kind of exist, and my default setting these days is to try to keep my feelings in numbland.
But that was before I went downstairs and what to my wondering eyes should appear? More sewage coming up in all 3 drains.
So, now I have a basement not finished. The other basement piled up with crap. Crap in the halls that's going to Goodwill cause I can't stand "stuff" anymore, and crap coming up from the ground all over my basement. And, let's not forget a husband with challenged immune system.
I guess I didn't get that insurance fast enough, huh?
Well, I guess it's time for the big guns. I wonder how much this one will cost me, and how much more mess it will make in the basement.
Hopefully now you undestand the "exist" thing. Some of you will DEFINATELY GET THIS. Some of you will THINK I'M NUTS. Some of you, this will make no SENSE.
God is doing something huge and wonderful in all of these trials. It's so big and huge, because they are so big and huge. And I have no idea what it is. And I have no idea what the outcome will be. And I have no idea if it will ever end.
I watched "create" on TV while I was sick, and they were traveling all over PA, the Napa Valley, etc. I saw beautiful oceans and places, birds of Peru, and things I couldn't even dream of. I guess I'll always wonder why some people get that and why some people get what I get. And why some people get things far worse than what I got. It's not a matter of fairness that makes me wonder. That has nothing to do with any of this. I just know that God is sovereign and choses every single thing in everyone's life or choses to allow everything in everyone's life, and so I wonder why.
And I'm okay with it. I really am. It's amazing the ways that I have changed and the things I'm seeing. But something else has changed and it's still not back. I still don't have my smile. Oh, I laugh and smile, but if you know me, that childlikeness, THAT smile. It's been gone very long. I don't even desire it, if it comes with trivialty. (is that a word? it is one now) All that to say this.
I can't help but post things on my blog that sound like life is bleak. It's not bleak, but it's hard. So if you read this and pray, pray for us. My poor dear husband, I see it on his face. The pain of his:
illness, friends that love us, but that have walked on because our life is just too hard, no job, no money issues, no smiles, cottage issues, house issues, spiritual issues, and him worrying about me are taking its toll. So, please pray for us.
When I told Jim why I was sad as we were leaving, he said. "Honey, it's not that. It's that you don't have any hope in anything here." And he's right. That's the sadest thing of all.
I AM BIG TIME PUMPED for heaven and for what all of our hope should be anchored in, our life with our father, in our true home.
I do miss though, the joy of the little stuff. Pray that that comes back to us as well. I think God wants us to have that.
Thanks
Us
I cried when I left the cottage for a different reason this year.
I used to cry because we were closing it up for the season. And we had so much fun and made so many memories, that it was just sad to me and I was going to miss it.
Last year I cried, because I thought it was the last time I would be there with Jim. (Now, you might say, "See, Dolly, there's a reason to be happy." Well, yeah. Of course, but it's as deep as it is wide, and either I don't communicate well or you don't know me well. Of course I'm glad that my dear husband is alive. I just would be more glad that on the only time we got to go up there ourselves this year, that I hadn't gotten very ill and that Jim didn't have to go into town to buy a lock and me gingerale, etc.)
This year I cried because I wasn't sad at all that we were leaving. In fact, we will probably have to sell the place. (I'll cry then, cause it will break Jim's heart) I hated that I wasn't sad that we were closing the place up. I hated that I wasn't excited about next year's happenings and discoveries. I hated that it just didn't matter. That nothing does matter.
So, anyway, I was going to come up and write again and say, "Hey people, I don't mean to sound like Dolly downer or Gloria grim, but we just kind of exist, and my default setting these days is to try to keep my feelings in numbland.
But that was before I went downstairs and what to my wondering eyes should appear? More sewage coming up in all 3 drains.
So, now I have a basement not finished. The other basement piled up with crap. Crap in the halls that's going to Goodwill cause I can't stand "stuff" anymore, and crap coming up from the ground all over my basement. And, let's not forget a husband with challenged immune system.
I guess I didn't get that insurance fast enough, huh?
Well, I guess it's time for the big guns. I wonder how much this one will cost me, and how much more mess it will make in the basement.
Hopefully now you undestand the "exist" thing. Some of you will DEFINATELY GET THIS. Some of you will THINK I'M NUTS. Some of you, this will make no SENSE.
God is doing something huge and wonderful in all of these trials. It's so big and huge, because they are so big and huge. And I have no idea what it is. And I have no idea what the outcome will be. And I have no idea if it will ever end.
I watched "create" on TV while I was sick, and they were traveling all over PA, the Napa Valley, etc. I saw beautiful oceans and places, birds of Peru, and things I couldn't even dream of. I guess I'll always wonder why some people get that and why some people get what I get. And why some people get things far worse than what I got. It's not a matter of fairness that makes me wonder. That has nothing to do with any of this. I just know that God is sovereign and choses every single thing in everyone's life or choses to allow everything in everyone's life, and so I wonder why.
And I'm okay with it. I really am. It's amazing the ways that I have changed and the things I'm seeing. But something else has changed and it's still not back. I still don't have my smile. Oh, I laugh and smile, but if you know me, that childlikeness, THAT smile. It's been gone very long. I don't even desire it, if it comes with trivialty. (is that a word? it is one now) All that to say this.
I can't help but post things on my blog that sound like life is bleak. It's not bleak, but it's hard. So if you read this and pray, pray for us. My poor dear husband, I see it on his face. The pain of his:
illness, friends that love us, but that have walked on because our life is just too hard, no job, no money issues, no smiles, cottage issues, house issues, spiritual issues, and him worrying about me are taking its toll. So, please pray for us.
When I told Jim why I was sad as we were leaving, he said. "Honey, it's not that. It's that you don't have any hope in anything here." And he's right. That's the sadest thing of all.
I AM BIG TIME PUMPED for heaven and for what all of our hope should be anchored in, our life with our father, in our true home.
I do miss though, the joy of the little stuff. Pray that that comes back to us as well. I think God wants us to have that.
Thanks
Us
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Burps of all types
Hi Everyone: Amy, too.
Sorry, I didn't post about the sewer burps. We called church and they knew a plumber and the plumber came at 7:00 a.m. and snaked it out, so it's working, but he suggests we get the insurance. Hmmmmmm. I don't even know where one gets that type of insurance.
Anyway, it stopped burping and I started. I have the stomach virus. We went up to the cottage to shut it down, and I got sick. The cottage shed was broken into again. The weird thing is they didn't take anything that we can notice. I guess they were looking for generator number 3. But ahah, we didn't buy another one after being robbed the second time.
Poor Jim had to do everything. He's doing okay. His blood numbers aren't that great. His neuropathy is the same.
Every day just takes us closer and closer to condo living and selling the cottage. I don't even want to go there, so I won't.
Well, I don't know about you, but you have got to be about as sick as reading this as I am writing it.
Us
Sorry, I didn't post about the sewer burps. We called church and they knew a plumber and the plumber came at 7:00 a.m. and snaked it out, so it's working, but he suggests we get the insurance. Hmmmmmm. I don't even know where one gets that type of insurance.
Anyway, it stopped burping and I started. I have the stomach virus. We went up to the cottage to shut it down, and I got sick. The cottage shed was broken into again. The weird thing is they didn't take anything that we can notice. I guess they were looking for generator number 3. But ahah, we didn't buy another one after being robbed the second time.
Poor Jim had to do everything. He's doing okay. His blood numbers aren't that great. His neuropathy is the same.
Every day just takes us closer and closer to condo living and selling the cottage. I don't even want to go there, so I won't.
Well, I don't know about you, but you have got to be about as sick as reading this as I am writing it.
Us
Monday, October 5, 2009
Need quick prayer
See what happens when I don't post for a week and then I do. half hour later you hear from me again, asking for prayer. But don't fear. It's not Jimmy. It's our floor drains. They burped. It stinks. Pray it doesn't cost thousands...
Another Autumn Day
Well, bible study is going pretty good so far, except that I feel like Moses. I can't get what's in my heart out of my tongue without much tripping. Why me Lord? Public speaking, Kelly??? I don't think so. But yes, it's true, Kristen did NOT feel the need to use a spit ball at me. It probably had something to do with the fact that I brought 2 straws and engage 2 women to stand at my defense. :)
Jim is doing a lot better since he got off the medicine. He still struggles with tons of pain, but at least it's not off the charts and he's not taking extra pain meds throughout the day.
I really got scared yesterday though. Let me run you through it.
I ran across a notebook in which I was journeling last November/December when we were at the NIH. It was after the UNC-01 did not work, and Jim was putting on water weight like crazy. I journeled that Jim was dying. Jim thought he was, and I thought he was. I didn't know of the next chemo and SCT yet, and God wasn't doing it miraculously at that point. And we cried and cried and cried. I remember it. I wrote. "I can't believe I am at this place, where I am watching my husband fade away from me."
I just had to journel right then and there. Because I can't believe that I am at this place, where my husband is alive and cancer free, and maybe it's only for today and only for an hour, but he's working on that shelf. I thought about miracles. Had God taken Jim from last October and in the next minute, made him like he is today, we would be screaming from the top of our lungs of what a Miraculous God we have and all about the miracle. Rather, God healed him the long hard way. BUT....it's still very miraculous. Most people don't even survive the amount of chemo that Jim has had. The long hard year kind of takes the ....what's the word? I don't want to use Magic...LOL.. the hard stuff takes the supernatural bang out of the miracle, but it's miraculous non the same.
I just wanted to share that. I know most of you remember the writings of last year. I'm so thank ful that I'm not having to post that stuff.
So why am I scared?
Well, we all die, so.....I'm not sure how long God has healed my Jimmy for. So last night when he had a fever, and the night before that and the night before that...well, it all came flooding back. So, please pray for us. We don't go to the NIH for another 2 weeks. I was so excited to not have to go every 2 weeks, and then to not have to go for 6 weeks? Whippeee. But I'm scared about that. Not a fear that negates God's hand on our lives, but a fear that this respite could be over....despite it not being much of a respite. I guess that's just part of this journey, too.
Thanks for reading.
Us
Jim is doing a lot better since he got off the medicine. He still struggles with tons of pain, but at least it's not off the charts and he's not taking extra pain meds throughout the day.
I really got scared yesterday though. Let me run you through it.
I ran across a notebook in which I was journeling last November/December when we were at the NIH. It was after the UNC-01 did not work, and Jim was putting on water weight like crazy. I journeled that Jim was dying. Jim thought he was, and I thought he was. I didn't know of the next chemo and SCT yet, and God wasn't doing it miraculously at that point. And we cried and cried and cried. I remember it. I wrote. "I can't believe I am at this place, where I am watching my husband fade away from me."
I just had to journel right then and there. Because I can't believe that I am at this place, where my husband is alive and cancer free, and maybe it's only for today and only for an hour, but he's working on that shelf. I thought about miracles. Had God taken Jim from last October and in the next minute, made him like he is today, we would be screaming from the top of our lungs of what a Miraculous God we have and all about the miracle. Rather, God healed him the long hard way. BUT....it's still very miraculous. Most people don't even survive the amount of chemo that Jim has had. The long hard year kind of takes the ....what's the word? I don't want to use Magic...LOL.. the hard stuff takes the supernatural bang out of the miracle, but it's miraculous non the same.
I just wanted to share that. I know most of you remember the writings of last year. I'm so thank ful that I'm not having to post that stuff.
So why am I scared?
Well, we all die, so.....I'm not sure how long God has healed my Jimmy for. So last night when he had a fever, and the night before that and the night before that...well, it all came flooding back. So, please pray for us. We don't go to the NIH for another 2 weeks. I was so excited to not have to go every 2 weeks, and then to not have to go for 6 weeks? Whippeee. But I'm scared about that. Not a fear that negates God's hand on our lives, but a fear that this respite could be over....despite it not being much of a respite. I guess that's just part of this journey, too.
Thanks for reading.
Us
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