Another Autumn Day

Well, bible study is going pretty good so far, except that I feel like Moses. I can't get what's in my heart out of my tongue without much tripping. Why me Lord? Public speaking, Kelly??? I don't think so. But yes, it's true, Kristen did NOT feel the need to use a spit ball at me. It probably had something to do with the fact that I brought 2 straws and engage 2 women to stand at my defense. :)

Jim is doing a lot better since he got off the medicine. He still struggles with tons of pain, but at least it's not off the charts and he's not taking extra pain meds throughout the day.

I really got scared yesterday though. Let me run you through it.

I ran across a notebook in which I was journeling last November/December when we were at the NIH. It was after the UNC-01 did not work, and Jim was putting on water weight like crazy. I journeled that Jim was dying. Jim thought he was, and I thought he was. I didn't know of the next chemo and SCT yet, and God wasn't doing it miraculously at that point. And we cried and cried and cried. I remember it. I wrote. "I can't believe I am at this place, where I am watching my husband fade away from me."

I just had to journel right then and there. Because I can't believe that I am at this place, where my husband is alive and cancer free, and maybe it's only for today and only for an hour, but he's working on that shelf. I thought about miracles. Had God taken Jim from last October and in the next minute, made him like he is today, we would be screaming from the top of our lungs of what a Miraculous God we have and all about the miracle. Rather, God healed him the long hard way. BUT....it's still very miraculous. Most people don't even survive the amount of chemo that Jim has had. The long hard year kind of takes the ....what's the word? I don't want to use Magic...LOL.. the hard stuff takes the supernatural bang out of the miracle, but it's miraculous non the same.

I just wanted to share that. I know most of you remember the writings of last year. I'm so thank ful that I'm not having to post that stuff.

So why am I scared?

Well, we all die, so.....I'm not sure how long God has healed my Jimmy for. So last night when he had a fever, and the night before that and the night before that...well, it all came flooding back. So, please pray for us. We don't go to the NIH for another 2 weeks. I was so excited to not have to go every 2 weeks, and then to not have to go for 6 weeks? Whippeee. But I'm scared about that. Not a fear that negates God's hand on our lives, but a fear that this respite could be over....despite it not being much of a respite. I guess that's just part of this journey, too.

Thanks for reading.
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