The One, Two Punch

Hi Everyone:

Well, I'm typing with 2 hands today. Sort of. My wrist still hurts, but feels soooooooo much better than it did. I think I may still need to get it checked because it hurts when it's twisted. So, if I hold my hands straight, I can type pretty well.

Well, I heard from my friend from Austrailia, Gaz, and he's dry. :) Hi Gary. :) I'll write you soon, as soon as the wrist is more healed.

Keep praying for Judy until all her tests are cleared, and she's feeling fine. Could be a few things. I just hate swollen lymph nodes. I'm praying for you girl.

So, what is the 1-2 punch. Well, I'm not sure what it is in boxing, but I feel like we have been knocked down and knocked out, so maybe that is it.

We went to the doctor on Tuesday, as I posted, and then had another appointment on Wednesday. That appointment was even more disappointing than the other one. I will give it to you in short order.

What Jim has been saying about some of this pain coming from his back HAS FINALLY been validated. Despite several MRI's, and several doctors stating that Jim's bulging disk and arthritis are normal for someone his age, the Neurosurgeon looking at the MRI says, "NOT TRUE." Now, I'll try to get this correct. Jim has 3 fractures in a vertebre and possible a few others. A pain pump would help. And this electrical gadget they would put in his back would help too. And fusing the vertebre would help, too. The only problem is that the doctor said that none of these procedures could be done because of Jim's low platelets. This type of surgery is much more severe, bloodwise, than other surgeries, so it can't be done. No pain pump. We were told down the NIH that Jim doesn't have much bone marrow in his spine. They said it wouldn't really matter much as far as integrity of the spine. The neuro says, NOT TRUE. Marrow feeds the bones and there's not much chance of the spine healing without the marrow and the lack of marrow makes the bones all the more brittle. Jim also has osteopenia. (what a pair we are). Jim could not take the higher dose of methadone because it made his breathing shallow, and he had to force himself to breathe deep, and he couldn't urinate, so that bottom line is that Jim is going to live in pain. I think we've pretty much exhausted all options. Oh, and Jim needs to wear a backbrace. This is almost funny. First of all, he won't be able to bend. And he constantly drops his meds on the floor because of numb hands, so...I mean. Can this get any worse? Isn't it almost too funny.

Jim continue to be unable to sit for anything more than 10 mins, and he pays for that 10 mins. Oh, and how is this for laughs. We are once again without a bed. Now that will be remedied, but I have to get to my doctor for this stupid wrist and get Jim fit for a back brace that I KNOW he won't wear.

The doctors advice is to go home soak it in and makes the plan necessary for our lives so that Jim doesn't have to lift anything anymore. OH THIS IS TOO FUNNY. Like a shovel, or salt?

Yesterday, my dear "student" from bible study showed up with her shovel and shoveled out part of my driveway. God love her. I helped. LOL. 1 shovel full and hurt my wrist again. And then this morning, I woke up to all shoveled. Another of my student's husband showed up and dug us out...again. So, we don't have to worry about that.

Well, I guess we don't have to worry about any of it. I can't go to the place of thinking of selling the cottage and moving from our home here. The emotional stuff is tough, as well as the stamina and brain power needed to take care of all that stuff. So, I'm not even going there at this time.

So, how are we doing? Surprisingly, well. I was severly depressed and spent 2 days in bed grieving, and then got out of bed and got to the laundry. Life goes on, even if it's not the life that you want, dreamed of or hoped for. It's still life, and it's still good and it's still a blessing, and if I don't allow my "self" to get in the way, I'm certain God can use us pathetic 2 and some day we can hear "Well done, my faithful child." And I know the only way to live a life deserving of those words is not to hold on to what this life delivers us, but to hold on to the Deliverer.

After all, But God...

oh My

ok. typing w/ 1 hand why? sprained badly or broke wrist, pray it's not that. i worry because last bone scan last month showed i'm 1 point away from osteoporosis, got ,,oenia now. i'll wait a few days to get exray cause jim has 2 doc appts 2day and tomorrow.


"no friend" cooment doesn't mean you are not my friend, but that i don't engage w/ peeps in that manner because i can't be a friend cause i have no energy,

So today's challenge,,, get out of the door to the icet sidewalk to the driveway that is a sheet of ice, to chip ice off van, to salt the driveway, and showrr and drive jim to doc,,,all with one hand. Nice.

Yes, Jim is still in extreme pain and is yelling at me to cancel his appt cause he's afraid i'll break a hip. it's a zoo hear.

honey baked ham for dinner. YUM YUM. Thanks guys. I still can'/t believe you're worried about us when you got your own stuff. My oh my. And we got chinese on Sunday too. another yummy dinner. Tanks to u 2, 2 nice visits.

pray also for my sister in law Judy. she has swlloen lynph nodes (hate those words tremendously) around lungs. I'm so worried for her. We're prayin over here Judy. Don't want to bug you, but call when you get ANY tests back.

ok one finger stuff is hard, ttul, SO,,,PRAY FOR JUDY AND MY WRIST, THANKS.

But God...

I'm not one for favorites. I can never pick. So, I don't have a favorite bible verse, but I do have two favorite words in the Bible. But God... I just love "But God." I've done a bible search alone for these words. It's amazing. Try it. Or perhaps, I can share mine. Anyway...

Jim is home. It didn't go well. I went to pick him up yesterday and he was writhing in pain. Our former Pastor Bob was there visiting, and he was such a support for us. I could tell it was hard for him though, too. He's so dear.

So, instead of releasing Jim, they decided to keep him, because it was obvious that he was in so much pain, so they cancelled the release of the prisoner so that I could go today to talk to the Doctors. Only problem is, it's a Sunday and his docs weren't in, and Jim was anxious and 3 hours later I brought him home. Joe and MJ came over with dinner (thank you so much guys, that was such a HUGE blessing) and Jim is comfortable.

There was a period yesterday were I was dying inside. Please please please someone do something. Anyone, do something. I wanted to call all friends...opps, don't have any. I wanted to call family and say please. I had already talked to Abba, and well, he was pretty silent and so...I don't know. I even asked the doctor about morphine pump for Jim, knowing that it would slow his organs down and he would die. It was almost like I wanted to put him to sleep because I couldn't stand it anymore. I drove home numb. Jim got out of the van at traffic lights. He can't sit. Sitting kills him. My heart has been skipping beats again, and the anxiety is max. So, I thought Jim would die, I would die, and the night would be horrible... But God....
and it turned out okay. Even the Steelers won, despite me missing much of the game.

So, I'm off to get prescriptions filled. 5 of them. Probably some more meds that we'll pay for and not use. sigh...

But hey, really. Pray Hard. I am making it through the day minute by minute. In fact, Jim just opened the door, and I jumped out of my seat. I am that fried. Thanks.

And I haven't heard from my friend Gary from Australia. I sure hope he's okay. Pray for his safety. He's such a dear heart.

Update on Jim

Well, Jim is still in Presby hospital. While he says the nurses aren't as nice at some other places, he has certainly been treated well by the doctors. Every test possible has been given, and when he's discharged, more will continue.

According to all the scans, Jim's back/neck is normal, meaning that it has the normal osteoarthritis, a few bumps, etc. Back injections are not out of the question in the near future however, because with Jim, something that would cause us discomfort takes his pain level from a 6 to a 9, and makes it unbearable.

So, what has changed in the past 6 months? They aren't sure. It could be new meds he's on, or just the nature of what is causing his pain. And what is causing his pain is peripheral neuropathy. But it's much worse than we thought. Jim had a nerve study test conducted. Many tests. Mary Jo and Tom mentioned that this results said that the nerves were not pinched off, which was good. And that is. The problem is with the results of the rest of the test that just came in late last night. Jim has SEVERE nerve damage. Nerves do not heal themselves, so barring a miracle from God, this IS the rest of our lives. I haven't even begun to emotionally deal with all the ramifications of what that means for us short term or long term, but I wanted to write that so that you can pray for us, as we allow this to sink in.

The teams of doctors that is working with us is FANTASTIC. Jim will more than likely go from 30 mg of methadone a day to something like 350 mg a day, but they do that slowly, bumping him up once a week. He's also on some new medicines that work with severely damaged nerves, so it will just be about tweaking medicines. He will also be getting much higher doses of dilauded to take in between the methadone.

Please please pray for us. Right off the cuff, this sounds like a death sentence to me. There goes my dreams of us taking our grandkids to the cottage. Jim teaching them how to fish. Our years of ministry out the tubes. It sounds like selling the house and moving to a condo. It sounds like no vacations. It sounds like Jim not driving, and weekly doctor visits for a very long time. It sounds like co pays, co pays, co pays. It sounds like having even less money, and it sounds like I'll never see my old Jimmy again, and it just breaks my heart. I have to go now.

Please pray for us, and consider being willing to help with rides to the hospital, encouraging Jim to take his meds properly, engaging with him, counseling him in regards what to do with cottage, home, etc. For now, pray though. Thanks.

Jim HAS to

back to hopt

Well, my little old heart is just breaking. Jim's in so much pain. He went to the hospital (This time Presby) by ambulance.--Matt K, my nephew just called. He's so sweet. He wanted to know how Jim transitioned home. Well, it didn't go well. Jim's blood pressure is so high from the pain, and yet the high blood pressure meds can cause more pain. We just don't know. I feel like I'm going to lose him. And despite the fact that many think that would be a good thing at this point, it breaks my heart and I can't even begin to think of it. The feeling would be "well, Dolly, at least you don't have to...." Even Jim feels that way. And you know what. It's not that I "have" to. Despite how hard it is, it's not that I "have" to. It's that I "get" to. And yet the joy of having my dear husband with me is not enough to fuel me into continued mental health as I deal with this day in and day out.

I don't know what to say. We are empty. We feel totally utterly at the end of anything. Jim and I are one flesh. He feels that too. I have nothing else. My prayers are "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." My heart feels desolate. The desolation that comes from being abandoned and exposed for so long.

He's home

Hi Everyone:

Thanks Judy for calling the family. Thanks June and Karen for the much needed rescue at the hospital and for feeding Jim and just being there to give me a break (so I could shovel snow and change the bed and do the laundry and.... ;) ) Thanks Joe and MJ for the visit last night that let me come home for some sleep.

I will leave out all the snafus that I ran into today, but am glad that you told me June that it's those little things that make you want to kill someone. I thought I was going nuts and it was just me.

Anyway Jim is home and in bed. And in much pain. It didn't work. I'll fill in the blanks later. I'm just too weary.

I don't post because after 3.8 years, it's just more hard painful stuff that just sounds negative and so, I'll post later I guess.

Lord have mercy

Well, it was a tough night for Jim. They started him out at a very little dose and titrated him up 3 levels, which is still a small dose in some ways. He was very agitated. They moved him because they needed a bed, which agitated him more. I called this morn, but the nurse was vague and nasty. I'm getting ready to go over. When I spoke to him early, he couldn't talk because he was confused. June is over there and says that Jim's pain is slightly less, but he is seeing 3 of her, and is seeing monsters. So he is hallucinating, and I have no idea, as of now, what this all means. But at least he can talk to her.

So for 3.8 years now I have been giving thanks in all circumstances (when I can remember to, or when I'm not groaning to our Lord, crying to our Lord, when I'm not exhausted or too depressed). So, I'm just going to openly thank the Lord for this circumstance because it helps me to know how good He is and how loving He is, and how in the midst of all of this He is working in our lives for good, even if it's a good we will never understand on this side of heaven. I need to remember the truths of who He is and what His word says about Him so that I don't go by my feelings. You all are welcomed to continue to remind me of this when I fall. So. Thank you Abba.

There's an open bed

Well, there is an open bed, and we are getting ready to leave. We know that you, along with us, hope that this will be a favorable outcome. We don't have tons of hope, but feel so good that this doctor was a champion for Jim. Apparently, if this doesn't work, the docs have some other ideas as well. That is surely encouraging. I just know that God is in the midst of it all, and that is the best part of anything.

Pray for us

Pray Pray Pray

Well, Happy New Year. Yeah...

So, I need you to pray. Jim's pain has been so bad that he doesn't even want to get out of bed anymore because he can't stand or sit. (except for Christmas while John and Leah was here and he got out of bed to eat, but took so many pain pills that it was rediculous. He didn't want them to know. Sure, Jim.) I called his doctor and unknown to us, she had talked with a Ketamine specialist who is willing to administer a trial dose of this drug to Jim. So, if there is a bed open tomorrow at Magee Hospital in the ICU, they are going to administer this drug. Pray that it helps, and pray for Jim's protection from it. There's a reason they put you in the Intensive Care Unit to administer this drug.

Please pray that it works or something. We are just plain going nuts over here. We are both so grieved in our hearts over what Jim has to bear. Neither of can take much more, but for different reasons of course. I'm fighting depression with everything I can, and Jim's just trying to find some little flicker of hope outside of heaven...you know, not anything big, like a new job or house, or vacation. Something like being able to sit with only a level 6 pain, so that he can eat dinner.

Anyway. If you read this family, can you call the rest of the family, cause I know I haven't been updating and so many won't know, and I just don't have the energy for anything else, so. Thanks.

Hope your New Year is filled with the joy of the Lord, as we hope ours is as well.

US