I woke up this morning and smiled. It wasn't the "old" smile, the one where life felt good and I wondered what me, Jim and God would be doing today. In those days, I would bounce up at 6 a.m. and whistle my way to the gym, bible study or garden.
It was the new smile. The weary one. The "we're fighting cancer" smile. It wasn't a smile filled with bounce, but there was a bit of hope in it.
And then I remembered. We're losing the battle. And my smile went away. And an elephant visited. So I layed there with that elephant on my chest. I can't get him off of me so that I can breathe normal or move around normal, any more than I can get Jim's cancer to go away.
I don't know how to turn the "old" smile, into the "new" smile. Apparantly me, Jim and God are still doing things each day that we're both alive. It's just hard to smile about it because it hurts so much. I don't know how to be any less damn human. I don't know how to get away from this earth and its pain. I don't know how to stop crying. And I don't know....how to even put it into words.
1 comment:
Hi Gloria. My heart goes out to you cause I know your pain is raw. I have always battled three enemies - 1. expectation; 2. perspective; and 3. control. The first two always beat me up and the third one I try to ignore. I try to cling to God's word - like Psalm 16: Psa 16:1 Keep me safe, O God: for in you I have put my faith.
Psa 16:2 O my soul, you have said to the Lord, You are my Lord: I have no good but you.
Psa 16:3 As for the saints who are in the earth, they are the noble in whom is all my delight.
Psa 16:4 Their sorrows will be increased who go after another god: I will not take drink offerings from their hands, or take their names on my lips.
Psa 16:5 The Lord is my heritage and the wine of my cup; you are the supporter of my right.
Psa 16:6 Fair are the places marked out for me; I have a noble heritage.
Psa 16:7 I will give praise to the Lord who has been my guide; knowledge comes to me from my thoughts in the night.
Psa 16:8 I have put the Lord before me at all times; because he is at my right hand, I will not be moved.
Psa 16:9 Because of this my heart is glad, and my glory is full of joy: while my flesh takes its rest in hope.
Psa 16:10 For you will not let my soul be prisoned in the underworld; you will not let your loved one see the place of death.
Psa 16:11 You will make clear to me the way of life; where you are joy is complete; in your right hand there are pleasures for ever and ever.
Hang on, but fall into his arms and let him comfort you.
Post a Comment