I feel like crying

Hi Everyone:

Well, Jim has about 20 pounds of water in him, and the stockings on his legs have pushed it up into his waist, causing him more discomfort...but he wants to leave the stockings on, despite what I think. It's always despite what I think, which is one reason why I feel like crying because I have to drive him home and take care of him, and it's often a battle. 14 days ago, he was on 40 mg's of oxy 3x's a day. He was up to 100 when we came a week ago, and now he's up to 150 mg's, and he's still in pain. He doesn't feel good, or look good or smell good. His vitals are mostly okay. His first dose of 150 oxy was at 3:00, and he's asking for something for breakthru pain already. He has already had a shot of dilauded this morning as well.

When I think of everything he has been through, it's hard to think about. This has been very hard for Jim, and I can't imagine anything working for him, really. Nothing has so far, and he's so sick and in so much pain, I just can't help but feel it's just too late. And I'm hoping I shouldn't have said no to this. His body has been through 2 tumor biopsies, colonoscopies, 2 upper GI scopes, a bleeding duodenum, a biopsied duodenum, much anesthesia, 2 bone marrow biopsies, prostate biopsy, 4 PET scans, 8 CT scans, 4 MRI's, 4 sonograms... 4 different types of chemo regimens, and countless other things I've forgotten, and now this trial. He's had I can't count how many blood transfusions, shots for white blood cells, shots for red blood cells,and numerous amounts of drugs, drugs, drugs. Not to mention that during this whole time, the cancer never went away and was always present, and still is. How much more can this poor man go through? I can't take it any more. I can't stand to see him sick any more. In pain any more. Holding on any more.

I feel totally tired, and hopeless, and in 2 days, once again, he will be released into my care. Care that he often times doesn't trust (and in a few cases, rightfully so. I've made a few memory med mistakes because my brain doesn't work good under stress) And under my care, I have to somehow determine whether he's doing better or worse, figure out how to get him to drink, eat, pass this water,poop, relax, hope, hold the puke bucket blah blah blah, and blah.

I hate when he sleeps. He twitches, and twitches. He jumps. His face is sucken in like my mother's was when she was dying, and he holds his hands out in front of him and does weird things with him, like my father does when my father is in the hopt. My father who has altzheimers...(who I haven't seen in a very long time. I miss him, and I cry when I even think of him.) His breathing is very heavy and his stomach bulges. My mother's did this when she was dying, too. It's a belabored breathing from all the narcotics.

This is just all too very much for me today. I have constant heartburn from stress. I think it's very hard to be here all alone feeling all these things, feeling that the doctors care more about their science than him. I don't think this is true, all in all, either. But they do see Jim as a sick dying man, who could be helped by this drug...or not. They'll see. But of course I see that and so much more, so it's harder.

Well, this too shall pass, correct? Please pray for me. I feel like that Keith Urban song, "but tonight I'm going to cry." Except I don't have any wine.



Thanks
Gloria