Not much new

Well, nothing new. Today was great that we didn't have to get out of bed to go to a doctor's office.

I have to call the Cancer Institute, but we hope to have a relaxing "work" weekend or at least Saturday.

I hope you all have a great weekend as well.

Love Us

doc visit

Well, the doc visit was pretty good. Jim's blood is very good. Red and white blood cell count. That and no temp can mean that the radiation has slowed that tumor down a bit. Who know, maybe there will be something in MD?

Doc doesn't want to try any single chemo to try and help with Jim's pain, because that could possibly stall a trial, if he can participate and it's to be done soon.

Meanwhile, Jim told me today he's not sure he wants to do a trial. So?? I don't know. Doesn't matter. Today is good.

I worked on my door today, stripping the trim, the putty and all kind of stuff. It felt good to work. After being sick and just laying around with Jim cause I love him so much, I couldn't stand it anymore. I used to go to the gym 4 times a week. I haven't been there in a year. I'm turning into mush.

Crap

He threw up!!! So, close, but so far. It's the little things in life now that can get so exciting. I was hoping that he wouldn't get sick today.

BUT

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!!

I called the National Cancer Institute, and they actually have his slides and they actually have the letter from the doctor, and they are actually looking at them. Alleluia. I don't think they will find anything different, and I don't know if the radiation will hold anything off to get Jim down there, if indeed they do consider him a good candidate for this trial, and if indeed the trial is even a good one, and if indeed Jim would even want to go through with it. But at least they are there. Only been trying since May. Could be God is working this way. Could be Dolly finally accomplished something. I don't know. But I do know that this time, I said, if it makes it, it makes it, and I actually didn't call to see, but since we were going to the doc tomorrow, I figured, I better, so I did. So, we'll see. Again, some put their hope in chariots, I will put mine in the name of the Lord.

But, "Dave" and Shelley, if something does come of this, can I or we still camp at your house? I'll bring our own puke bucket. ;)

Gloria

Trend broken...so far

Well, today was Jim's last radiation. He took his 60 of oxy and had to take 2 breakthru pain meds to even be able to lay on the table and he said it was the worse, so....

BUT, WE CAME HOME, AND HE DID NOT THROW UP. I am excited by this. For both of us. Trust me. :)

Anyways, I might actually run to Sams Club while Jim takes a nap. Maybe...I would call you Kim, but you are at work. :) I'll be real quick about it.

We have a doc appt. tomorrow, and I have to call NCI to see if they got the slides. Almost afraid to call because I don't want to hear that they don't, which is what I believe I will hear.

late night

I mostly had a not so bad day today. My sister brought dinner and we shared it with Brother Tom, and it was very nice. Afterwards, we play Catan. I won. For about 2 hours,I escaped the reality, and it felt so very good.

Jim was quietly in bed. It's because he's in so much pain. He has decided to up his oxy tonight. Last night he got no sleep, and the break-thru pain has been bad for him. This really made me sad, because it's a progression, that for a few hours today, I had escaped through a nice dinner, and a game.

After talking with many about pain and such, I was watching CNN new tonight and they were talking about the persecution of Christians in Iraq. Since Saddam is gone, they can no longer pay Al Quiada for protection. And I think of the thousands and thousands of prayers that have gone up to our Lord for Jim. I feel like lately, he's a God that is at work "at large" rather than on the personal intimate level with everyone. And I know that's not true, it's just a feeling, and how it looks. I know I have also experienced God in a personal level in big ways, and even in small ways through pray. But thousands and thousands of prayers that I know Jim is getting are not changing anything for him, and this burdens me. And I don't get it. And then it takes me back to that place of his sovereignty, so why pray and such. And I've beat this dead horse before, but why does it always come back to visit when I am weary and tired.

So, the bottom line of this update, is that the pain meds for Jim have been increased. This is sad and scary for me.

Very tired. Going to bed.

I thought we had broken the trend

The trend is:

We go to the doctor's or hopt. or for chemo, or blood, or blood test, arrive home, and Jim throws up. Today, he was feeling so well, he went to Giant Eagle with me while I picked up more meds, and he sat in the van and people watched. We went home, and he actually felt good enough to eat. So he had a yogurt and soup....and then threw up. Aw shucks... Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow is his last radiation. And then Thursday he has a doc appt. I'm not sure if the doc is going to want to try single chemo agents, not so much for healing, but for shrinking. And I'm not sure if Jim wants to do that. And I'm not sure if the National Cancer Institute got our slides and recommendation, and I'm not sure if any of any of this would help Jim enough for him to get down to Bethesda MD for a clinical trial. I'm not sure of much, am I?

About 3 times today, I cried, "honey, please don't die," and Jim said, "I won't." (he had promised early that he wouldn't die, when CHOP was almost a guarantee.) And then, as always he asks the Lord to help him keep his promise that he made to me. The funny thing is, when I say this, and Jim says, "I won't." It comforts me. He's become such a man of God, and he's always been so honorable, that when he says, "I won't" I trust him, because I do trust him, even though I know it's not up to him. Isn't that something.

I like Kim's idea (in response to my past post) of a self hug, imagining it to be my Lord. I will try that. (I'm sorry for your pain, Kim, that has had you at this place in your life, too.) Everyone's pain hurts me anymore. I'm so sad for all the pain. There is so much suffering, it just breaks my heart. How can God stand it?

Sadly, however, after I experience all the sadness about all the sadness, without even knowing it, "I" creep in and say something stupid like, "I hate this refridgerator" or "I hate this pink puke bin." And before I know it, I'm the me I don't like again. Praise God she doesn't stay around as long as she used to. :) It's almost easier being b-t-hy. It protects me from having to feel. And there's some hard stuff to feel out there.

Chrissy, when you were in Africa, is it as horrible as they show on TV? How did you stand it? I can't stand that I can't change that. I want to hurry up and sell my house to feed them....But then what about me? Me me me me me me me me me me.........get the picture. Oh, the flesh, to some day be rid of it.

Weak - Tired - Home Depot

Hi Everyone:

Jim went for his radiation today. The doctor was hoping that he would be feeling less pain. She's not discouraged though, so maybe Jim will get even less pain. The celebrex is still helping, so he hasn't had to up the oxy, so this is good. He is so very very weak and tired today. He spends most of his day in bed, but today, other than going out for the radiation, he feels to tired to even eat or read. He's just sleeping and sleeping.

Today I went to home depot to order and pay for 2 storm doors for the house. These will help me feel safer when Jim is in the hospital. My heart was so burdened that my dear husband was not there with me. My heart was breaking. First, we've spent many a "date night" at Home Depot, planning for present and future fix-ups around the house. After looking at wood for about an hour, I usually would sneak off to the nursery for a little fun on our "date night", pick out a plant or two that Jim could not resist buying for me. I would come back, and he would finally have the perfect piece of wood, or perfect solution all picked out. And it WAS perfect. Being there today all by myself made me feel like I used to feel when I was widowed the first time, and I would go there myself to buy duct tape for whatever scary problem I had with my old home. Duct tape was often my solution for my dilemmas. I was alone. I felt vulnerable, scared.

Anyway, my heart was so burdened while I was there without the other half of me, the one who protects me from making the wrong purchases, etc. It hinted too closely of the future, and I left crying.

And Jim is so weak it scares me, and I'm still crying.

Life is too weird. I'm driving home crying my eyes out. I can hardly see from the tears, praying for intercession in the lives of the people who have Obama/Biden signs in their yard so that God changes their heart by the day of the election. If I don't pray for them, I tend get critical of them. I hate sin. I'M SO SICK OF SIN. Soooo, sick...

Gloria

We received some, and it seems to be helping. Thank you. If it continues to work, we will buy them and we'll replace them.

Thanks to you, Elaine, too. I put the last load in, and folded the other load. Thanks for your help with my laundry. You're the best.

Celebrex Celebrex, dance to the music

Hi Everyone:

Jim's pain continue to increase. Last time this happened, Celebrex helped him a bit. He was also on it in the hospital. He hasn't had it since, but he's not certain it would help either. But before he goes up on oxycontin, he wants to try Celebrex. Problem is, it's almost 300.00 for 1 months worth, and he doesn't want to buy it if it doesn't work. And he can't get any samples from the doc today because they are closed. He's been taking break thru pain pills almost every 2 hours, and he can't increase those, so it's getting scary here.

Does anyone out there have any samples of Celebrex that he could try it for a few days to see if it helps? I told him I didn't care if it cost 300.00 and it doesn't work, but he refuses to allow me to do that. Meanwhile, if it was me, you know he would have paid 1000.00 for them. I know he's worried about money, but I don't care at all. But I thought I would try this first before I go and buy them and make him mad at me.

Desperately seeking Celebrex
Us

communion

A few weeks ago, our former Pastor, who has now moved on to new things that God is doing in his life, came and visited us, and brought communion. It was truly the best communion service I had ever experienced.

I thought this was a beautiful picture of Jim and Dave.

fickle

They say women are fickle. Yesterday, Jim was ready to go be with the Lord. Today he wants to live. Go figure.

I just wrote for about half an hour, and decided not to post it. Boy was my mouth running. If you really have to read it though, let me know. I was just feeling out loud, talking about death. Ewwwwwwwww.....the "D" word.

Going to bed. Me and my Jumbo are both very sick today

radiation #6

Jim had his radiation today. We're not sure if he is supposed to have 10 or 12. So far they don't seem to be doing too much, but they actually are, because his pain meds are not increased.

He doesn't look good. He's tired. I think the fight is out of him. We are both sad. Jim's sad for me. I'm sad for me. I'm so jealous. I wish it were me that was going to be with the Lord. I'm very tired of grief. I can't imagine life every having any color anymore without my Jumbo. If there is such a thing as dying from a broken heart, rest assured, I will be going with him. With my luck, I'll be one nanoparticle short of it.

Home again

Hi everyone:

Jim is home again. I do have a ride for him for radiation tomorrow as well, so thanks for all the offers.

We both cried when he walked through the door. Jim, because he was so happy to be home, me because I was so happy to see him. And we both know he's home from the hospital probably for the last time. He has so much water retention, he couldn't buckle his belt. He also hasn't moved his bowels in 2 days, with little hope that it's going to happen. But who knows. Really. This has been one big roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Short of a miracle, Jim doesn't have very long. His pain is still there. Radiation may have helped a little. He still has 5 more. After he is done with radiation, they will set up hospice for him in our home, and that will be an added comfort.

We will laugh and cry and enjoy each other whatever way we can, until the Lord takes him home. I honestly can say, it is such a blessing and joy to be able to share this with Jim and love him through this and help him. I think of how lonely he was when he was single before he met me, and I am so glad that he has not had to go through this alone, that he has me.

It's weird. He needs me badly, and can give me nothing in return. That is something very new in our almost 13 years together. (November 16 will be No. 13. I hope we make it.) He has always been able to give to me of himself. So, when he needs someone the most, I feel honored that God has picked me for the job and that I'm there for him. I am choosing most of the time to feel honored, rather than angry, pity, etc. Oh, those may come later. But maybe not. I actually hope not.

When Jim threw up when he walked up the door, I ran and got him his water and rag, and my sister wanted to clean up his bucket. I said no, I'll do it. I don't know why, but it somehow makes me feel like I matter. That's pretty amazing, considering that for most of my adult life, I said, "I don't 'do' body fluids." (and I didn't other than Johnny's diapers, and he was potty trained early, too.) Boy, God just wants to change everything about us, doesn't he.

Well, I'm going to bed. I'm still very sick, and I'm going to go and pray for my Jumbo and look at him take in what I can, while I can.

When he wakes up, we are going to fill out his living will. I think we are going to do this in the spirit of lightheartedness. For instance, when it asks if you want nourishment to be withheld, I'll make Jim laugh by saying something like...."come ne people. You don't know Jim. When has he ever turned down food." :) Believe me, we can turn filling out a living will into a special time. We've turned everything we've ever done into something special, even the time we got leeches on our legs. That's what makes losing him so hard. What we have is so special.

Okay....sigh...
Love Gloria

Love Gloria

Sad and Stuffed

Just got off the phone with my dear husband. He has a cold, too. I haven't seen him for 2 days now because I am sick. I miss him so badly. And it feels terrible. And it's just a taste of the future. Just a tiny little taste.

In today's mail, I got the deed for our burial plot. I didn't open it.

I talked on the phone with Jim, and he and the doc had a nice long talk. The water in his legs is caused by many things, and there isn't too much they can do about it. The cancer is just starting to take it's toll. The bottom line is my precious dear husband is running out of time, and there isn't a darn thing we can do about it. We both believe God can still heal him. But neither of us believe that He will. I think of proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick. We're not giving up. We're just looking at some very large writing on the wall. Our hope has been deferred for quite a while. Our hearts are sick.

Tomorrow, Jim will be filling out a living will/advance directive so that they won't give him dialysis, should these tumors block off both ureters. Him and his doc talked about this. The doctor has no way of knowing how Jim will die, or how painful it will be, or how soon, and we do not want to do anything big so that he can have another week to live. I think the "this radiation could even slow it down so you have more time together" talk with the doctor was a bit of pie in the sky for me. On our last visit in him office, he hugged us both. Jim and I both knew that was the "I'm sorry" hug. The real hope is that the radiation will take away some of the pain so that the cancer will end his life without excruciating pain. Tonight Jim said, he's not afraid of the pain. He's afraid of what him dying in pain will do to me. He'll worry about me right up to the end. Yeah. I didn't have the heart to tell him that me living without him will be so painful that just the thought of it takes my breath away.

Forever faithful to the end, our insurance company continues to bless us with their care. Our doc gave Jim an air mattress at the hopt., and it has really helped Jim. It's been so comfortable for him in the kidney area. As part of Jim's home care, Jim asked if he could get that same bed. If I wasn't so sad, I would laugh. Well, not only will our insurance not pay for that bed, but the hospital bed that they would give him is the bottom-line bed that cranks by hand that the hospitals don't even use anymore. Thanks Death America.

Jim's spirits were really up today. A nurse at the hospital that never got to treat him really, but has filled in a time or two, came and visited with him, so they could praise the Lord together. She thought he was a Christian. Jim was glad that someone could see that. She goes to a biker church. That's pretty cool, because Jim said at another time in his life, he may have judged her by that, rather than enjoyed some time sitting and praying and worshipping with a sister in the Lord. Growing right to the end. When Tom visited him, they talked about hope, and Tom encouraged Jim in that as well.

I am proud of Jim. As he gets weaker and weaker, I still lean on him. He's a rock, and always has been in our marriage and I continue to lean on him. I am very proud of him and honored to be married to such a man.

Keep praying for us.

Gloria

Still in Hospital

Jim is still in the hospital and won't be coming home today. They may have to give him a blood transfusion. So, they're not sure when he will be home.

They put him back on the oral pain meds, but his pain a bit worse, but they are trying to knock it down so that they can get him home.

So, thanks for everyone's offer for help. Not sure when I'll need it. I might even be better by that time. Wouldn't that be great for me.

Thanks
Keep praying

Love Us

Broken Hearted

Hi Friends and Family:

I am home today. I did not go to the hospital to see Jim. I have a cold coming. For those of you who know me, this isn't good. I'll be horizontal for about 7 days. I think my autoimmune disease just makes my colds way worse than others.

I could use some possible help taking Jim to radiation on Wed, Thurs. Fri., if I do indeed continue to get sicker, as I am sensing I will be.

SINCE THIS HAS STARTED WITH JIM, HE HAS BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL....READY...
102 days. This does not count ~40 doctor visits, and 20 or so trips for blood tests. It does not count trips to the hospital for the myriad of testing he's had done, whether CT, MRI, PET, Xrays. It doesn't count Cleveland Clinic Trip or West Penn Hopt. trip for 3-4 hour Stem Cell meetings. It doesn't include a few blood transfusion trips. Sad, how this has become our life.

Today, I ordered Home Depot to come and give me an estimate on security storm doors, as I am afraid being home alone. I've been putting it off. I'm not anymore. I am broken hearted. I am grounded in reality, but dabble with "maybe" just so I can function. But when I'm sick, oh boy, there's no place I can run and hide and pretend like all will be okay with Jim. So, I need to get doors. I can't wait for Jim to get better anymore. This breaks my heart. No one could put in a door better than Jim.

In my drawer sits Jim's bonus from last year, so that when he gets better, he can buy what he wants (we've always done that with his bonuses...he usually buys me something, if not computer parts...) anyway, I could use it for the bills, but I can't. I just keep it in that drawer. I could use it to pay bills, but I keep it there so that when "he gets better, we can..." And yet, I'm ordering security doors, telling myself, well, with Jim being in the hospital, I'll be more secure at night. But my heart says something else, and it's totally broken. In other words, my actions reflect my heart's fears.

Anyways, Jim is still in the hospital. He's still retaining water. Maybe the radiation will take some more of the pain away. It's a little less now, and they are trying to step him down back on oxycontin so he can come home.

When I keep my eyes on what is not seen (eternity) I can't handle this so much better. It really takes a lot of work to stay eternity minded. It's quite a discipline. One that is very hard when you're holding on to the last knot on that rope.

Okay, well, I can't see, cause I'm all crying, and now my nose is all boogery, and I'm a mess. I think I'm all emotional because I miss him and feel bad that I'm not going in to see him today.

Gloria

Dear Worrywarts

Sorry, guys that I have been so short and quick lately.

John and Leah came home yesterday and we've been at the hospital all last night. And then this morning, they kidnapped me and made me have fun at Soergel's Apple Orchard, and then we went to the hospital again, and we've just got home, and now we're going to play a game and make carmel apples.

JIM:

However, Jim is doing okay. The pain is about the same. I'm glad he stayed in the hopt. He's retaining A LOT of water in his legs, so the tumors are really engulfing the vena cava. They gave him Lasix to remove some of it, but he's going to need several days of that. I bet he has about 15 pounds of water in his legs. Hopefully the radiation will help destroy that tumor and keep it at bay. If it can't, that obviously is not good at all.

ME:

I can't say, "I'm worried" or "I'm feeling more hopeful" because every day it is totally different. For 2 days I was pretty weird. (read the post from 2 days ago) Although I was feeling different stuff and it was real, I think I was just emotionally spent. I mean I had been crying every day, every single day, sometimes barrels of tears. And then 3 days ago it just stopped. Maybe I ran out for a while. Well, I must have refueled, because it's starting to build up again.

Have "the kids" here have helped me alot. They're young, and they're sad, of course, but...they're young and in love and hopeful, and it reminds me of when I used to live there and how nice it was.

Leah played this song on the way home, something about some seashore and living their with her husband and escaping the world. The song was so young and vibrant and hopeful and lovely. To the young, it's their future, bright with their hopes and dreams. To me, it sounded like heaven, it's awaiting heaven. (Sorry, Rach....don't mean to sound so old, but you gotta admit, you've got to see by now, why it is that I tend to sound that way...)

Anyway, sorry I didn't e-mail anyone or call anyone or even update. "The kids" are leaving early tomorrow, and I'm going to spend the day with Jim. Who knew...

Love Gloria

Quickly...

Jim's GI track test was all okay. We were all amazed. He does have a motility disorder, but that's not a big deal, so maybe the meds will help with that.

He had his second radiation today. They are keeping in the hopt. until he is off the pain pump and back on oral pain meds.

He'll have his 3rd radiation on Monday.

I'm still just tired of sitting.

I'll talk to you all later
Gloria

quickly this morn

Woke up by a crazy Jim who DID NOT have enough pain meds with the pain pump (WE TRIED TO TELL THEM, BUT NOOOOOOOOO) Does anybody know how to add?

PRIOR TO THE PAIN PUMP:

• Jim is on 40 mgs of oxycontin every 8 hours
• +
• getting 2 mg's of dilauded every hour
• = lots of pain meds
• but still has pain

So, to help, they give him the pain pump.

ON THE PAIN PUMP

• No oxycontin
• .3 mg of dilauded continuously
• +
• .6 mg of dilauded every 10 mins, if he pushes the button (if he's awake or remembers)
• = Jim writhing in pain all night
• WE TRIED TO TELL THEM, WE DID. WE WERE ARGUING WITH 2 NURSE HOW THIS WAS NOT ENOUGH, BUT THEY WANTED US TO RELAX BECAUSE THEY "KNEW MORE THAN WE DID ABOUT THIS STUFF."

Only to find that he has the worse nurse on the whole floor taking care of him today, and the GI doc comes in to tell him he's going for the GI at 10:00 a.m. AND that they may put a feeding tube in and a drain tube out (is this colostomy????) Jim asks how long for the tube, and the doc says, "How long you got to live?"

(@#$%%^&@*(*%&) fricifracisassifracim

So, I am going to the hopt. Who knew????????

wow

Today:

Kim changed my keyboard for me. But she didn't know that she put the old one in, with the previously broken space bar. LOL. Thanks though. It's an easier break, sooo...However, my friend purchased one for me, and I just read that it's between the kitchen door. Thanks K I appreciate that.

JIM:

• Well, he was tattooed for radiation.
• He had his first radiation today.
• The mass is huge.
• His ureter is being cut off from the mass.
• His right kidney and ureter is compromised.
• His left kidney is picking up the slack for the right.
• His vena cava is being strangled by the mass as well.
• And it's pressing on the nerves and it's big.
• They are radiating from right under his rib cage to the small of the back, which is a large area, as Jim's torso is long.
• The pain is intense, and he is now on a pain pump.
• it took 8 hours to get a pain pump...HELLO...

I talked with the doctor about this. I don't want this to be some pie in the sky thing to do to get Jim an extra week. So many times he was "close to death" and yet I never really get any clear picture. So, I asked outright today again, how long Jim has to live. He said, of course, that you just can't tell. He said that with the radiation, it more than likely will shrink this mass and it will not grow back there. It will not cure the disease, but it will stop all the compressions, the numbness and potential paralysis. He said it's possible that it just might stall the disease for a while and Jim could have a much lower pain filled 6 months or a year or....??? or he could die in 2 weeks. Dying from kidney failure is not real painful, and I didn't want to rob Jim of an easy death so he could live 2 extra weeks to so that mass could go somewhere else and cause something much more worse. He said we HAVE TO GIVE IT A TRY because of the potential. And Jim really wants to live, so...

Tomorrow he also is going to be seeing the GI doctor. He will need another scope. There is the potential of this blocking the duodenum again, or an ulcer or motility disorder. The doctor just doesn't know, so we won't know anything until he has an upper GI. And of course tomorrow is Friday and Passaway...I mean Passavant is as slow as molasses in January, soooo. Now, depending on what this GI study shows, this could cancel out everything that I just wrote above.

Jim threw up 4 times today, and was so drugged, it was insane.

So, I'll let you know what's up as I know.

GLORIA:

• is
• is tired
• is tired of it

15 hours a day in the hospital, coming home at 12:00 midnight, eating their horrible food as I continue to gain weight. Not going to the gym, no routine, etc....I'm fried.

Today I started out the day good with the Lord, and was pretty balanced all day. I cried only once today for about 5 minutes. That's when I looked at Jim's forearm and realized that our wrists are about the same size. His cheeks are even more sunken in.

• I miss my husband.
• I miss Jim.

Today was the first day since Jim's pain started 16 months ago, that I just wanted it to end, whatever way it will. I don't want Jim to die. And I said I would do this the rest of my life if I had to, but I almost need to know if that is what will be required of me, so that I change things. I'm still living a "fake" life, until I can get back to my normal life or a new normal life without Jim. And in the meantime, I've been living without routine, sanity, etc. I can only do this for another 16 months or even 16 days, if I change something BIG...and I don't know what that is. Weird.

I'm not worn out. Heck...anybody who really knows me knows that I have lots of years of work left in me...in my own strength, anyway. (No lord, I'm not writing my own life script here) I mean, I'm tired, but more tired of "it" than tired. I guess I just miss my Jim. I miss me, too.

So to rectify this, I told that doctor that Jim has been in the hopt. 15 times, and I want a bed, couch or cot. He wrote an order for it. The nurse supervisor denied me. Said it's unsafe. HOWEVER, the nurse got me a cot and we hid it in the shower. I didn't stay today, because I wouldn't leave him without the pain pump installed because I had to help him, plus all the vomiting and such and I got home too late to go back, but I will stay overnight tomorrow. I don't like leaving him when he is weak and can't watch out for himself.

I was reading in Luke, and I can't remember exactly what, but it talks about those sad, how they will laugh in heaven, or something like that. And I liked that. I love to laugh. I LOVE TO LAUGH. I love heart laughter. I still get some of that in, thanks to a few friends and family members, but I'm not me, and Jim isn't Jim, and I just so miss us.

Well, that's it's folks. I don't know what else to say.

Keep praying. Wouldn't it be something if this all worked out, and Jim's cancer settled a bit, his stomach issue was just a motility disorder, and he could take a pill, and he could go to the National Cancer Institute or ????? NOTTTTT

Oh, this was funny. He's all drugged up, and says to the doctor. I can't get the pain pump today. I'm going to the cottage with my brother. LOL Maybe next weekend, dear.

Pray for us

Gloria (and Jim)

radiation

The doctor came in and they are going to radiate the tumors. She thinks it will help his pain greatly and add quality and time to his life. But I they also love pie in the sky stuff. But I've been praying for that anyway. So...

"Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; He will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

So, I am trying to not go by what they say, but by what I see. That's not good either. So, I'm trying to go by what is unseen.

Keyboard soooo not working. Slamming it to get a space. You are still spared my many words. But watch out. LOL.

Jim's getting tattooed. And I thought he wasn't that type of guy. :)



Gloria

working a little

Hi Everyone:

If I pound hard,it works...a bit.

Jim's doctor was not in today, sothere was no consultation with the radiology oncologist to see if they can radiate the tumor. It is only so that it will shrink it, to hopefully minimize pain,help his bowels, and prevent paralysis. It is not something that will cure him, as some are prone to think. That is still up to God, and we are still praying for that. The radiation would be purely palliative care at this point.

PALLIATIVE -a definition:

Palliative care (from Latin palliare, to cloak) is any form of medical care or treatment that concentrates on reducing the severity of disease symptoms, rather than striving to halt, delay or reverse progression of the disease itself or provide a cure. The goal is to prevent and relieve suffering and to improve quality of life for people facing serious, complex illness. Hospices and non-hospice-based palliative care teams both provide care to those with life limiting illness at any stage of their disease.

We are not connected with "hospice" yet. You know. I feel like a mushroom. KEPT IN THE DARK AND FED HORSE POOP.

Gloria

still--in--hopt.

Hi--all:

keyboard--still--broke.--Jim--still--in--hopt.--no--news--yet.

this--feels--like--something--from--the--60's--like--SOS--or...telegrams

US

SPARED...

My spacebar is broken.

Y0u will be spared long posts until I get a new one.

No news yet.

Jim wants me to tell you all the pizza still is overcooked. He had his humor this morning. That's very good. That also very unusual. Sick or not. LOL.

Love to you
Gloria

MRI done

Well, Jim made it.

Oxycontin, an injection of Dilauded, and an injection of Ativan, and he was able to lay on the table for the 1.5 hours that he needed to get the MRI done.

He's in lots of pain.

He told me that the doctor told him that they would tatoo him and give him his first 2 radiation treatments as an inpatient, but then he said he couldn't remember if that was what the doctor told him or whether that was him dreaming from the drugs. He also told me that the pizza was left in the oven too long, and he guzzled his prune juice, so.....

I'll post when I know more of what is going on.

Gloria

Hopt. trip # 13 or 14...I forget

Well, we are off to the hopt. as soon as they get his room clean.

They couldn't get Jim an MRI as an outpatient until next Tuesday. Well, that's not good. Plus, he's having lots of pain, still despite the increase of pain meds, and they will also get the pain team involved and who knows what else.

I have to plainly say that I am NOT handling this well at all. Or am I? What is "handling something like this well" look like, or sound like? If there a proper way? Some say, keep your eyes up, but then I trip over reality. Some say look at reality. But I have no way of knowing what reality is. Only God knows the future. And then there is the whole feelings quagmire. I guess that's where I'm feeling it's not going well. I cry and cry and cry. Not very much fun for Jim. So, what do I do...take a pill, some say. Why? I'm not depressed. Or am I? And if I am, shouldn't I be? Some say, "No, you have the Lord." Some say, "Yes, even David was depressed."

Can you tell my head is spinning? But hey, I'm still praising God and lifting my eyes up there, from where my help comes from, so I guess, I'm okay, huh?

Am I? Yikes!!!!!!!!

Okay, gotta go.

Room 6110, Passavant.
We love you

Thanks Maddy:

It's so weird. Just a few minutes I was outside and thinking, well, Jim and I can take this piece of wood and...and then I remembered. I won't have Jim next year. I can't believe it. It's like a shock to my system, every hour or so. Every day brings something new, something dreadfully new. And I know I'll be okay. But I know I'll never be the same, and I know I'll never lay in his arms, and go to our cottage, and laugh with him and taste each other's foods...and before I know it, I'm there. I'm in shock, that this is happening to us.
But thanks. I appreciate it.

Dr Visit

Well, we're home. We took a nice nap until the phone woke us up, but it was nice. Not something that we get to enjoy together too often.

Doc said, Jim should get an MRI to see if the new growth is pressing on somewhere along the spine, causing the numbness and extra constipation. If that were the case, they could give him radiation to help him with pain. He wanted Jim to go into the hopt. to get the MRI and possibly start the radiation that way, but Jim just didn't want to go into the hopt. I wish he had, because things are done faster and such, but he's been through so much, I want to do whatever it is he wants to do, even if it's not the best for him. He's been in the hopt. 14 times. I understand.

We're not even sure that they could radiate anything, or whether Jim would be able to withstand lying on the table to get radiation, or....??? So, who knoews. If there is something growing there, it could cause Jim to become paralyzed. I think this is going to be nastier than I ever thought it would be. There is also a chemo drip that they can give that could possibly make the tumors smaller, but it's unlikely since the big dogs didn't do the trick.

Jim has upped his Oxycontin. This already has him feeling more relaxed.

We are now in official "palliative care" with hospice on its way.

It's by God's mercy that I can get through each hour of this. I can barely breathe now. When Jim dies, a big part of me will go with him.

There's all this talk of, "but God will use you...." You know, yeah, he probably will, despite myself. God doesn't "need" to use any of us. He can raise up children of Abraham from a rock.

If God "needed" us, he wouldn't be taking Jim. Jim's character and depth and growth in the Lord and what he has to give is amazing. Our marriage is amazing and could be a testimony to many...if he were alive. I think this is just life. 100 years from now, we'll all be gone, and whether we were President of the US or a single mom of one, some of us might be remembered in a book, but there will be no one here who has great love for us. So, we wouldn't even want to be here, because without love, what is there?

So, a big part of me will go with Jim. Cause that's where my great love will be.

And that's okay with me. I would rather be no place than with Jim. Him and the Trinity. Too bad I won't experience that Trinity part a bit sooner.

Our Oncologist gave us both a hug today. And that made Jim cry. How wonderful to have a doctor who cares. I noticed water in his eyes a bit. He feels so bad for us. Heck, we feel so bad for us.

Jim said, he wishes he could do just one more thing, like go up to the cottage next weekend and see the leaves. Maybe you could pray that somehow we would get up there to do that. When we got home from the doc's office, Jim puked (sorry Sherry) so the drive up there would be tough. I don't think it will happen. I guess I'm just feeling desperate to give my dear husband anything he can to give him joy.

Meanwhile, before who knows how long, he'll be casting down his LAST BURDEN EVER to hear, "good job, my faithful servant." What scares me is I won't have Jim, who does for me, what it is I do for him.

Just sharing the facts here. And my heart. No pity wanted. Not interested. Prayers yes. Pity no. I don't feel sorry for myself. I have had 12 years of what some people never have in their lifetime, and I thank you, God. I praise you for it. Thank you Jesus. I have never been so loved in my life. Jim has taught me so many wonderful things, and he made me a Baldauff. It's pretty awesome being a Baldauff. I have a wonderful family who loves me. So, it's okay. Hard, but okay.

God Bless you all
Us

RGRGHRRRRRRRRR

Ya know, all along I've been wanting Jim's labs to go to the NCI to see about a trial, and they have always got waylaid by one doctor or another, or one thought or another, including the whole Cleveland Clinic trip, and the trip to the the doctor here for the SCT, which turned out to be no good either. Particuarly since the Cleveland Clinic didn't start looking at the slides either...not that they could do anything. But I wanted Jim's slides sent to NCI 4 months ago, and I should just insisted. I actually did, but was told the way we went was the way we should go. And when I said, let's send them to NCI, I was told, go to Cleveland Clinic and...

Didn't I find a Phase II trial at Bethesda MD, specifically for Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma that Jim would fit into. And now he's too sick to make the journey, and his slides are in Cleveland.

I know I didn't stump God with this. Or heck, maybe God stumped me. Maybe he just didn't want us down there. I don't know. Well, wait. if he wanted me there, I would be there, right? Just another thing to hurt my heart. I did what Dr. L wanted, what Dr. C wanted, what Dr. C wanted and Dr. L, and Dr. D, brother Joe, brother Bill, and Jim. But I didn't do what I wanted. Now, I have another reason to hurt.

Not that this new drug would have worked for Jim. But this was specifically for Jim's type of cancer, which is so very rare. And, when one is out of hope, well, geeze. The odds we were given with ESHAP and MINT weren't all that great.

I won't beat myself up too long, cause I know God is in control. But I know that I have written my own script for the past year, and have not sought after God for every detail. Why didn't I write that into my script like I had wanted to. Darn, I'm mad at myself.

This leads me to the whole God's will questions, and sovereignty. MATT....I HAVE QUESTIONS....MANY


Gloria

Pain

Jim is unbelievably tired today, and in much more pain.

We go to the doctor's tomorrow. He still wants to see if there is anything that can give any more time so he can be with me. Otherwise, it will be palliative/hospice care coming in. Jim refuses to take more pain meds still.

Fall is still my favorite time of year. I'm really connecting with it this year.

Pray for us. We are so sad.

Us

UNBELIEVABLE

Today was filled with such unbelievable love. I have NEVER felt such love in my life.

I don't know how to say thanks for making me feel such love and such hope, but I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart. All of you. I love you dearly. And we need you dearly.

Continue to pray for my dear husband, your dear brother, our dear friend. How could I ever laugh again?

Remember...we need more fish lights.

Love us

Date night

Hi Everyone:

Today was another busy day of finding the right mix of medicine and everything else.

It was another day filled with many many blessings, and many many struggles.

• We were blessed with 2 dinners, one that we shared with Bob and Ruth (Ruth cooked, of course and it was delicious) and
• one that Nancy and Phil brought over for tomorrow night. And that really blessed us.
• And there was vomiting,
• enemas,
• and paying for the burial plot talk.

And there was tons of prayers. Every day, there are tons of prayers. Jim's in a bit more pain, and is about numb everywhere. His feet are sometimes blue and sometimes white. They are always cold. But, I'm going to go now and crawl in bed and warm them up.

It was a beautiful day in Pittsburgh. Normally we would have been on the way up to the cottage. The leaves on the drive up would have been out of this world. We would have been "ewwing" and awwing" all the way up there. We would have went to the Tall Oaks Festival and took a golf cart drive down the logging road. Jim would have picked me a wild flower or two, and we would have went for a hike. We may have even thrown a line in for that last bass of the year. But not this year. And you know what. If I had to spend the rest of my days doing sick with my Jimmy, I would say yes to it in a heartbeat if it meant I would have him forever.

While talking at dinner with Bob and Ruth, we laughed and such, and talked about her own illness. I told her, don't do anything. Be buried, rather than bury. Go first, Ruth. Go first. If you love you husband as much as I do mine, and if he's as good to you as my Jumbo is to me, and you can go first. GO FIRST. BE BURIED. Eat hydrogenated fat. Stop taking your meds. :0 We laughed, but I meant it. To die is gain for me, once my Jumbo is gone. But hopefully God will heal him. And if He does or doesn't, I'll live for Jesus until it's my time. But I would much rather be buried than bury. I'm tired of life. It's never been much fun for me. BUT there is that talk of the beautiful trees and rides in our senior citizen quad (golf cart), and fishing with my Jumbo. I thank God for that.

Okay, I'm rambling. I gotta go warm up someone's toes.

We love you all

Us

Haggard

Hi Everyone:

Thanks for your nice e-mails and compliments on our picture. Today I was just saying, I looked like I have aged 20 years. My sister agrees. It's okay. It's the truth. So, it might look cute, but when you enlarge it, you see the pain...in both of us.

Jim's Day:

Jim had to take some break thru pain medicine today and is moaning a bit more, which tells me it might be time to increase the pain medicine. He is very reluctant to want to do that because his bowels are so messed up already, and more pain meds, further complicate things. I know though that eventually he will have to....if God doesn't heal him. Do I have to include that everytime I write something? I write that more for you readers, so you know that I haven't given up on God showing up, not totally anyway...So, Jim is in more pain today. Seems like all the bowel meds do is cause him more pain, with gas and such. He ate a nice lunch. I hope he keeps it down. So, for today, I guess Jim is fair.

Dolly's day:

Anyway, Jim's looking sicker than he has ever since this has started, and I am as well. I never thought I looked particularly young and springy. But this is definately taking a toll on me, both physically and emotionally. My face is downcast, along with my heart and my countenance looks defeated, despite the small glimmer of hope that I have. I'm tired. I'm always on the brink of tears. I'm on the edge, as far as nerves go. And I'm gaining weight, because there is no "normal" with eating anymore.

Us

Well, when the chaos of a sick day ends, we usually end up in bed early, reading, doing the crossword puzzle, crying, or hoping something goodf is on CTV...which there usually isn't. We end up listening to the bible on CD or another type of teaching or something. Tonight we will listen to one his brother Billy brought over today.

We are really feeling the love that all of you have for us, whether it's through phone calls, cards, CD's, help with grass, trash, phones, and other things. We want you to know that. I think we would really feel bad if we didn't have you. So, thanks for loving us. We desperately need it, because it's God's love that is pouring out on us through you, and we need to feel that in absense of God healing Jim...otherwise, we might feel...OH SHOOT...FEEL FEEL FEEL. What??? I might not feel that God didn't love me? LIKE WHO HAS NEVER FELT THAT ONE??? Well, I've felt that lie before, hundreds of time. So, who cares about that. I'll give a dollar to anyone who is interested in going through this whole blog since March and counts the number of times I've used the word "feel". FEEL SCHMEEL. I'm sick of feeling. lol. But thanks for doing what God calls us to do for each other when they are down and out, which we are right now.

Love us

ups and downs

Imagine my delight when Jim wanted to go out to lunch. It was so very exciting. It was normal, even though I knew he didn't feel normal. But that he wanted to go out at all, was exciting. So, we went to get Chinese at Sesame Inn.

Poor guy didn't feel too good for too long. When he got home, he threw up his whole meal. I think he's blocked up pretty good. He can't seem to keep anything down, and not too much is going through.

But for 20 minutes, I had my old Jumbo back, and it was delightful. The rest of the day, I wouldn't have minded if I ceased to breath, but only after Jim's last breath.

Doesn't he look good though? It's hard to believe he is so sick.

Tuesday

Hi Everyone:

Well, the doctor didn't want to see Jim. There isn't anything he could do for Jim, if there is anything he can do. Wait. If he could give another chemo, which I'm not sure Jim would agree to, he couldn't do it until next Monday, so he just said to up the pain pills if needed and monitor temp that it doesn't go above 100.5 (while on fever reducer) and if the water that is in creasing in his legs continues to increase, call then.

I was reading the story in Luke about the persistent widow. I remember that being one of my favorite bible stories as a young girl. My mother must have read it to me. I don't know where I would have heard it. I went to a Catholic school, so it's not like we read from the bible or heard bible stories, so I don't know. I'm not sure why that story resonates with me so much. I guess I've always felt like a little girl trying to get her father's or mother's attention. "Mom, mom mooooom...Dad, dad daaaaaaaaaaad." "What you pain in the a..." I've always felt that way with God too, like I somehow had to get his attention before he would listen to me. Now, I know that's NOT what that parable means, but I'm just explaining why it spoke to me as a small child.

Now, I know the context of this parable is in regards to someone asking "When will the Kingdom come." But it's still a parable about Jesus telling us to continue to pray and to not give up. And so, I pray and I pray and I pray. And you do, too.

Last night when Jim asked for prayer, he said that if things continued in the path that they are continuing now, he thinks he couldn't have more than 2 weeks to live. That's the first I've heard him say anything like that, and yet it's what I was thinking, too.

Today, his blood was pretty good. This is good. He's starting to retain water in his legs again, which means the tumors surround his vena cava and aorta. That isn't good.

So, I pray and I pray and I pray. I have got to wearing God down by now, haven't I?

Gloria

Oh My

Hi Everyone:

I guess the MINT chemo must have scared the cancer a bit and it backed down a bit. Sadly, we don't think it backed down very much.

Jim's temp. is elevated right now, and his pain has increased tremendously, just from this morning. He is still going to attempt to go to the prayer service tonight.

God's healing is all we ever did seek with faith, whether it was through conventional medicine, alternative, or prayer. And we are still seeking it.

We think God needs to show up soon, however.

I am going to call the Oncologist. That's all I can tell you for now. I can feel the hand of God on me right now, because as I type this, I am okay. Not good, but okay. I have so many feelings right now that I will not allow myself to feel, but it's like the proverbial finger in the dyke. Pray for us hard.

Me and my Jumbo need it badly.

Digestion

Hi Everyone:

About a week ago, we had saurekraut for dinner. After 8 hours, Jim threw up, and nothing had been digested. A few days ago, I decided to buy some pancreatic enzymes, and I've been giving them to Jim after he eats, and so far he has not thrown up. He still has a little nausea, but at least he's not thrown up.

He pretty much lays in bed all day. He wanted his brother Tom to come over Sat and Sun. For some reason, he ends up feeling better. :) Although he sat up pretty long with Brother Joe, too.

This weekend, when he did get out of bed, he built a computer. We didn't really need one, but he loves to do it so much. He would do a little, sleep alot, do a little sleep alot. I was thinking how fun it would be for him if he could quit his job and build computers for poor people as a ministry. We've often talked about all kinds of different ministries we could be involved in. Anyway, that was our weekend.

Today, Jim is supposed to go and get his blood test, but we're thinking we might as well wait until tomorrow, since he doesn't feel good and he's trying to save any energy he might have to go a healing service tonight at Bill's church. They never do anything anyway. "Well, Jim, you're ...everything...is low. See ya next week." I would like to see if his red blood cells are down to see if he needs a transfusion, though. But then he couldn't go to the service tonight...I don't know. We're tired. I guess you can imagine that.

My poor dear husband has been in pain now for 15 months. It's so hard to believe. We can call it 17 months if you want to include his knee surgery. Bottles of pain pills, 2 oncologists, 14 stays in the hospital, 5 blood transfusions, 10 various chemo treatments, 500 stool softeners, and thousands and thousands of prayers.

We haven't given up yet, though. I will do whatever Jim wants to do for as long as he wants to do it.

I have been massaging his legs and arms because of the neuropathy. I wish he has some pumps for his legs that would help the circulation, those kinds they put on your legs after surgery to protect from blood clots. The neuropathy is causing him pain and making it difficult to walk. However, he doesn't have tons of energy to walk, so I'm not sure if that matters. He's still not sure if he will have the next chemo or not. But that is a week away.

Have a great day everyone. We plan on it.
Love us

Numbness, wheelchair...

Hi Everyone:

Jim's numbness is getting worse and worse. He's not sure he can even get another treatment or else he may not be able to walk. He is willing to use a wheelchair to continue treatment if its in his best interest. I guess we would have to build a ramp or something. I don't know.

Just wanted you to know things are hard here. Please continue to pray for us.

Thanks
Jim and Gloria

Poor Jim

Last night after Jim vomited a gallon of ???????, his temp was up a bit. I worried, but didn't cry.

What's really sad is that Jim's peripheral neuropathy (numbness) in his feet goes from his toes up to his calf. And his hands are numb from the tips of his fingers to the wrist. It's a side effect from all the chemo. It's not reversable. But if Jim survives this cancer, then the PN can be reversable as well, because it will definately be a miracle from the hand of God. But if he heals Jim's cancer but not the peripheral neuropathy, we're going to get one of those little carts and go to Disney World. You don't have to wait in line when you're on one of those carts.

PS. God, we're still waiting. We believe you will heal Jim. We believe you can heal him on this side of heaven, too. We love you, Lord.

US

Hey Gary, you ole' RPF'er from down under

How you doing, Gary?

We got a card from you a few weeks back. Blessed us both. Thanks a bunch for that. God Bless ya "mate." Did you make it to Ohio this year? Or is that next year?

To all, including Gary:

Before Jim was diagnosed with cancer, he was told that he has RPF. Retroperitoneal Fibrosis. It's a very rare disease. We joined a newsgroup on Yahoo for RPF, and Gary is the moderator. He's from Australia, and he still checks in with Jim, even though Jim did not have RPF. I've since joined about 7 groups, whether it was the Budwig diet group, NHL group, etc. There is no group like the RPF. One big family out there helping each other. I wish the Non Hodgkins group was as good as the RPF group, cause there would be so many more answers to questions because that group was intense. Despite the help, no one had come up with a cure for that disease (lol) and many times as I would read stories and here of pain and such, I would feel sad for Jim. I remember thinking once. Maybe it would have been better if Jim had had cancer, he could just get chemo and it would be over.

Wow, was I in denial about this disease and the treatment for this disease.

A bit better, still

Good morning everyone:

Jim is still feeling a bit better. He's taking Ibuprosin and it's helping him. He must have truly strained a muscle or something.

Through all of that, I have noticed that I am having a lot of fear lately. I don't know where the scriptures are that I was memorizing on not having fear, but I better go look for them. I walk around with a "close to vomiting" feeling in my gut, and I know that's not what the Lord would have me do, as he's not givin' me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of....I have to go find my scriptures.

Anyway, that's how Jim is doing...and me.

Love Us

A bit better

Okay. Bro. Tom came and Jim got better. It's like a toddler who can do something special, but won't when someone else is around. Well, Jim actually started to feel better once Tom came. It was his first time out of bed in 2 days.

So, I didn't want Tom to leave.

Anyway, now that Tom's gone, he's moaning a bit, but I think it's more of a sympathy moan, so I better go and baby him.

Jim still is in pain, but I can relax a tiny bit. I just can't bear to see him in pain.

Thanks for your prayers and for helping me hold my arms up.

Scared

Hi Everyone:

I'm on pins and needles. I don't know what to do. Jim is in so much pain, yet he swears he's had this before. I don't know if he is in denial and is just trying to push what is going on out of his mind, of if its just me. I have been fighting off feelings of defeat for many days now.

I feel like Moses who had to hold his hands up so that Israel could win the battle. When Moses got tired and lowered his hands, Israel suffered losses. He had Aaron and Hur help him to hold his hands up so that Joshua would win the battle.

I'm tired like Moses.

Are you holding my hands up in prayer? I know that faith isn't an amount of something, and if I don't have enough I can't cash it in on a miracle. I just need my hands held up, so I don't give up praying, hoping, trusting and smiling for Jim. He likes to see me smile. And I know my fear isn't a lack of faith. I just need some help when it looks like Jim isn't doing well.

I'm not making any sense, am I?

More Pain

Hi everyone:

Jim continues to be in pain this morning. His temperature is not elevated, which is a good thing, but the pain is super intense. Also, the oxycontin doesn't seem to be helping it. Jim tends to remember this happening a few times, where it radiates down his spine and thumps thumps. We're just not sure what or why and whether it's cancer related or what.

I have a doc appt. at 12. He's okay to be alone, and Mark is next door working at my neighbors, so he's close if I need him.

But I would ask that you would ask our God of all comfort to comfort Jim and take away his pain.

Thanks
Gloria

Pain

Jim is having extreme pain in his back this evening. I certainly hope it's bone pain, due to the neulasta causing his body to make bone marrow. His white blood counts were down to 1.2 on Monday, when he got his shot and immediately pain started in bones. But his back is hurting tonight. He refuses more pain meds because of the constipation.

There's your bedtime prayer request.

Love Gloria (Dolly)

Life is funny

Hi everyone:

I was truly bothered all day yesterday, and then felt soooooooooooo stupid about it all. I was angry as could be. And I sinned...again... There's not much I can do for Jim but nurse him, and darn it, I was going to find what he needed if it took 8 hours. And when he said no after that, I felt like Billy Graham would have felt if he just spoke to a stadium full of people and not one person came to his alter call.

Well, okay, maybe that's a bit over the top, but close. And then I was so angry, and I couldn't get angry with Jim because he's so sick, so I was passive angry with him--hey, I'm christian.... ;)--held it in and I got depressed. Then I felt bad at that and just got fake nice and stayed aloof. Now that was mature. Why didn't I just go to the Lord with my anger. I don't do that you know. And then I got more depressed.

And to top it off, I felt the Lord wanted me to fast. I have never fasted in my life, but for a meal or half a day. I think it's mainly because I don't understand the principle behind it and such. So I did it, but then I couldn't pray during lunch or dinner, because I was out looking for the enema bag. By the time I got home and Jim said no and such, I figured, I must have totally misheard the Lord, and then I ate cereal. It never dawned on me that I could have been being attacked. And um, why didn't I turn to the Lord with that? I mean, isn't that the point? Oh boy. Well, I guess, I learned at least one point about fasting...after I failed at my first attempt.

But I'M OKAY TODAY. YIPPEE. Did, I tell you the one about the priest, the rabbi....

I don't know what to do today. My house is completely a mess from the 15 hour days at the hospital and Jim being sick and such. I have paper work galore. Winter cloths that need to come out, summer that need to go in, etc. It's so hard to live this life right now in a normal old way that Jim and I used to.

Tom, Judy, Bonnie, & Kim, thanks for your comforting words, and your love yesterday. I really needed understanding and acceptance despite my unacceptable behavior. In that, you were just like Jesus to me. Thanks. It's been a long trial, and sometimes I feel like I'm a mess and losing it. When my family and friends cut me the slack that I need to not be perfect, it's like the air that I need to breathe. Amazingly when it's not those guys, it's MaryJo, Kristen and Karen, or a neice or....thanks to all of you.

I started this blog to update our huge family and many friends on Jim's progress, because I was so busy to keep up, and to bless them. I am the one who is blessed.

Gloria

PS (ATTENTION JIM'S FAMILY....ALERT... ATTENTION. I am "Dolly" to you. I am Aunt "Dolly" to you, I am "that ........ Dolly" to you. Don't try and change midstream and try and call me Gloria. I heard it from some of you and it was too weird. ;) Tom when you tried, I didn't even know who you were talking too. lol

Love us