Home again

Hi everyone:

Jim is home again. I do have a ride for him for radiation tomorrow as well, so thanks for all the offers.

We both cried when he walked through the door. Jim, because he was so happy to be home, me because I was so happy to see him. And we both know he's home from the hospital probably for the last time. He has so much water retention, he couldn't buckle his belt. He also hasn't moved his bowels in 2 days, with little hope that it's going to happen. But who knows. Really. This has been one big roller coaster of hope and disappointment. Short of a miracle, Jim doesn't have very long. His pain is still there. Radiation may have helped a little. He still has 5 more. After he is done with radiation, they will set up hospice for him in our home, and that will be an added comfort.

We will laugh and cry and enjoy each other whatever way we can, until the Lord takes him home. I honestly can say, it is such a blessing and joy to be able to share this with Jim and love him through this and help him. I think of how lonely he was when he was single before he met me, and I am so glad that he has not had to go through this alone, that he has me.

It's weird. He needs me badly, and can give me nothing in return. That is something very new in our almost 13 years together. (November 16 will be No. 13. I hope we make it.) He has always been able to give to me of himself. So, when he needs someone the most, I feel honored that God has picked me for the job and that I'm there for him. I am choosing most of the time to feel honored, rather than angry, pity, etc. Oh, those may come later. But maybe not. I actually hope not.

When Jim threw up when he walked up the door, I ran and got him his water and rag, and my sister wanted to clean up his bucket. I said no, I'll do it. I don't know why, but it somehow makes me feel like I matter. That's pretty amazing, considering that for most of my adult life, I said, "I don't 'do' body fluids." (and I didn't other than Johnny's diapers, and he was potty trained early, too.) Boy, God just wants to change everything about us, doesn't he.

Well, I'm going to bed. I'm still very sick, and I'm going to go and pray for my Jumbo and look at him take in what I can, while I can.

When he wakes up, we are going to fill out his living will. I think we are going to do this in the spirit of lightheartedness. For instance, when it asks if you want nourishment to be withheld, I'll make Jim laugh by saying something like...."come ne people. You don't know Jim. When has he ever turned down food." :) Believe me, we can turn filling out a living will into a special time. We've turned everything we've ever done into something special, even the time we got leeches on our legs. That's what makes losing him so hard. What we have is so special.

Okay....sigh...
Love Gloria

Love Gloria