Broken Hearted

Hi Friends and Family:

I am home today. I did not go to the hospital to see Jim. I have a cold coming. For those of you who know me, this isn't good. I'll be horizontal for about 7 days. I think my autoimmune disease just makes my colds way worse than others.

I could use some possible help taking Jim to radiation on Wed, Thurs. Fri., if I do indeed continue to get sicker, as I am sensing I will be.

SINCE THIS HAS STARTED WITH JIM, HE HAS BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL....READY...
102 days. This does not count ~40 doctor visits, and 20 or so trips for blood tests. It does not count trips to the hospital for the myriad of testing he's had done, whether CT, MRI, PET, Xrays. It doesn't count Cleveland Clinic Trip or West Penn Hopt. trip for 3-4 hour Stem Cell meetings. It doesn't include a few blood transfusion trips. Sad, how this has become our life.

Today, I ordered Home Depot to come and give me an estimate on security storm doors, as I am afraid being home alone. I've been putting it off. I'm not anymore. I am broken hearted. I am grounded in reality, but dabble with "maybe" just so I can function. But when I'm sick, oh boy, there's no place I can run and hide and pretend like all will be okay with Jim. So, I need to get doors. I can't wait for Jim to get better anymore. This breaks my heart. No one could put in a door better than Jim.

In my drawer sits Jim's bonus from last year, so that when he gets better, he can buy what he wants (we've always done that with his bonuses...he usually buys me something, if not computer parts...) anyway, I could use it for the bills, but I can't. I just keep it in that drawer. I could use it to pay bills, but I keep it there so that when "he gets better, we can..." And yet, I'm ordering security doors, telling myself, well, with Jim being in the hospital, I'll be more secure at night. But my heart says something else, and it's totally broken. In other words, my actions reflect my heart's fears.

Anyways, Jim is still in the hospital. He's still retaining water. Maybe the radiation will take some more of the pain away. It's a little less now, and they are trying to step him down back on oxycontin so he can come home.

When I keep my eyes on what is not seen (eternity) I can't handle this so much better. It really takes a lot of work to stay eternity minded. It's quite a discipline. One that is very hard when you're holding on to the last knot on that rope.

Okay, well, I can't see, cause I'm all crying, and now my nose is all boogery, and I'm a mess. I think I'm all emotional because I miss him and feel bad that I'm not going in to see him today.

Gloria