wow

Today:

Kim changed my keyboard for me. But she didn't know that she put the old one in, with the previously broken space bar. LOL. Thanks though. It's an easier break, sooo...However, my friend purchased one for me, and I just read that it's between the kitchen door. Thanks K I appreciate that.

JIM:

• Well, he was tattooed for radiation.
• He had his first radiation today.
• The mass is huge.
• His ureter is being cut off from the mass.
• His right kidney and ureter is compromised.
• His left kidney is picking up the slack for the right.
• His vena cava is being strangled by the mass as well.
• And it's pressing on the nerves and it's big.
• They are radiating from right under his rib cage to the small of the back, which is a large area, as Jim's torso is long.
• The pain is intense, and he is now on a pain pump.
• it took 8 hours to get a pain pump...HELLO...

I talked with the doctor about this. I don't want this to be some pie in the sky thing to do to get Jim an extra week. So many times he was "close to death" and yet I never really get any clear picture. So, I asked outright today again, how long Jim has to live. He said, of course, that you just can't tell. He said that with the radiation, it more than likely will shrink this mass and it will not grow back there. It will not cure the disease, but it will stop all the compressions, the numbness and potential paralysis. He said it's possible that it just might stall the disease for a while and Jim could have a much lower pain filled 6 months or a year or....??? or he could die in 2 weeks. Dying from kidney failure is not real painful, and I didn't want to rob Jim of an easy death so he could live 2 extra weeks to so that mass could go somewhere else and cause something much more worse. He said we HAVE TO GIVE IT A TRY because of the potential. And Jim really wants to live, so...

Tomorrow he also is going to be seeing the GI doctor. He will need another scope. There is the potential of this blocking the duodenum again, or an ulcer or motility disorder. The doctor just doesn't know, so we won't know anything until he has an upper GI. And of course tomorrow is Friday and Passaway...I mean Passavant is as slow as molasses in January, soooo. Now, depending on what this GI study shows, this could cancel out everything that I just wrote above.

Jim threw up 4 times today, and was so drugged, it was insane.

So, I'll let you know what's up as I know.

GLORIA:

• is
• is tired
• is tired of it

15 hours a day in the hospital, coming home at 12:00 midnight, eating their horrible food as I continue to gain weight. Not going to the gym, no routine, etc....I'm fried.

Today I started out the day good with the Lord, and was pretty balanced all day. I cried only once today for about 5 minutes. That's when I looked at Jim's forearm and realized that our wrists are about the same size. His cheeks are even more sunken in.

• I miss my husband.
• I miss Jim.

Today was the first day since Jim's pain started 16 months ago, that I just wanted it to end, whatever way it will. I don't want Jim to die. And I said I would do this the rest of my life if I had to, but I almost need to know if that is what will be required of me, so that I change things. I'm still living a "fake" life, until I can get back to my normal life or a new normal life without Jim. And in the meantime, I've been living without routine, sanity, etc. I can only do this for another 16 months or even 16 days, if I change something BIG...and I don't know what that is. Weird.

I'm not worn out. Heck...anybody who really knows me knows that I have lots of years of work left in me...in my own strength, anyway. (No lord, I'm not writing my own life script here) I mean, I'm tired, but more tired of "it" than tired. I guess I just miss my Jim. I miss me, too.

So to rectify this, I told that doctor that Jim has been in the hopt. 15 times, and I want a bed, couch or cot. He wrote an order for it. The nurse supervisor denied me. Said it's unsafe. HOWEVER, the nurse got me a cot and we hid it in the shower. I didn't stay today, because I wouldn't leave him without the pain pump installed because I had to help him, plus all the vomiting and such and I got home too late to go back, but I will stay overnight tomorrow. I don't like leaving him when he is weak and can't watch out for himself.

I was reading in Luke, and I can't remember exactly what, but it talks about those sad, how they will laugh in heaven, or something like that. And I liked that. I love to laugh. I LOVE TO LAUGH. I love heart laughter. I still get some of that in, thanks to a few friends and family members, but I'm not me, and Jim isn't Jim, and I just so miss us.

Well, that's it's folks. I don't know what else to say.

Keep praying. Wouldn't it be something if this all worked out, and Jim's cancer settled a bit, his stomach issue was just a motility disorder, and he could take a pill, and he could go to the National Cancer Institute or ????? NOTTTTT

Oh, this was funny. He's all drugged up, and says to the doctor. I can't get the pain pump today. I'm going to the cottage with my brother. LOL Maybe next weekend, dear.

Pray for us

Gloria (and Jim)