Hi family and friends:
Jim has had to up his pain meds again. We have an appt. on Wed. with the doctor, and then after that, he is to go into the hopt. for his second 5-day-dose of chemo. I'm not sure if they will do it or not, as it seems that this chemo is not working either. When we ran into the doc, he was eager to know if Jim's pain had gone away, leading us to believe that it should have. That his pain has increased, we can figure this is no good. But again, we ask you to pray. Don't know what else to ask you to do that is more important, soooo....
I guess the one good thing to think about is that his fever hasn't come back...so...
all right.
Us
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
5 shots in 5 days
Well, Jim had his last neupagin (sp) for his low white blood count. He had to get one every day this week. So, we're glad that's over.
Next week on Wednesday, it's back to the hospital for round 2 of ESHAP...shadrack and abendigo...I don't know why I think of that when I say ESHAP, but oh well, I'm weird. If you don't know what I'm talking about, well, then it's time to get your buns into the word.
Jim is still having lots of nausea. He still feels some weird pain feelings in his belly and back. We don't know what is going on.
I'm actually getting better at this. Yesterday I didn't cry at all, so far today, just once....but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking more about this new life.
I used to wonder how people with severly handicapped children did it, something like a trip to the store would involved babysitters or special vehicles. How did paraplegics do it? I couldn't imagine. Well, I can imagine a little bit better now. You grieve the old life as you do the new life, and before you know it, the new life is the old life and the only life, and you just do it.
But don't look back too often, or you'll yearn.
Love to all my readers
Love to my God and my King, my Lord and my Glory
Gloria
Next week on Wednesday, it's back to the hospital for round 2 of ESHAP...shadrack and abendigo...I don't know why I think of that when I say ESHAP, but oh well, I'm weird. If you don't know what I'm talking about, well, then it's time to get your buns into the word.
Jim is still having lots of nausea. He still feels some weird pain feelings in his belly and back. We don't know what is going on.
I'm actually getting better at this. Yesterday I didn't cry at all, so far today, just once....but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking more about this new life.
I used to wonder how people with severly handicapped children did it, something like a trip to the store would involved babysitters or special vehicles. How did paraplegics do it? I couldn't imagine. Well, I can imagine a little bit better now. You grieve the old life as you do the new life, and before you know it, the new life is the old life and the only life, and you just do it.
But don't look back too often, or you'll yearn.
Love to all my readers
Love to my God and my King, my Lord and my Glory
Gloria
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Nice day through the pain
Hi Y'all:
Today Jim and I went to the doc's office, again, to get his Neupogin (sp) shot. Afterwards, we went to North Park and sat at Marshall's Island and saw a few catbirds, and a Baltimore Oriole, and Cedar Waxwings and a bunch of other birds munching on the mulberries.
We saw some ducks a turtle and a few fish jump, too. We got some seeds for an American Redbud tree that I'll start in my greenhouse, and just had a nice hour of enjoying God's nature.
Jim sure loved that, and needed that, too.
He's in lots of pain though.
Gloria
Today Jim and I went to the doc's office, again, to get his Neupogin (sp) shot. Afterwards, we went to North Park and sat at Marshall's Island and saw a few catbirds, and a Baltimore Oriole, and Cedar Waxwings and a bunch of other birds munching on the mulberries.
We saw some ducks a turtle and a few fish jump, too. We got some seeds for an American Redbud tree that I'll start in my greenhouse, and just had a nice hour of enjoying God's nature.
Jim sure loved that, and needed that, too.
He's in lots of pain though.
Gloria
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Pain
Hi Everyone:
I know some of you are addicted to the blog...checking on Jim every chance you can get. Well, I guess it's not really an addiction to a blog, but a big heart that really cares and wants to know what is going on and how to pray.
Well, today's prayer request would be, of course, that this Chemo works. Jim's pain is coming back. This really really scares us, because even though he's only had 1 treatment, it is supposed to knock the tumor out, and it may have, but it may be growing again already. We just don't know.
I want a second opinion on Jim's pathology. I wanted from the beginning and every doctor said, the guy that read the labs is the best....well, even the best make mistakes. It seems like nothing is working, and I want a second opinion.....if they can find Jim's slides. So that would be the 3rd prayer request, that they can find his slides.
I have sent an e-mail to a doctor in Arizona who is supposed to be good, and hopefully he'll recommend where I can send the slides to, if they find them. I'm not sure if our insurance will pay for that...probably not, so that can be another prayer request, that if we find someone good to re-read them, that it's not tons of money.
I've cried all day today. It feels bleak.
Gloria
I know some of you are addicted to the blog...checking on Jim every chance you can get. Well, I guess it's not really an addiction to a blog, but a big heart that really cares and wants to know what is going on and how to pray.
Well, today's prayer request would be, of course, that this Chemo works. Jim's pain is coming back. This really really scares us, because even though he's only had 1 treatment, it is supposed to knock the tumor out, and it may have, but it may be growing again already. We just don't know.
I want a second opinion on Jim's pathology. I wanted from the beginning and every doctor said, the guy that read the labs is the best....well, even the best make mistakes. It seems like nothing is working, and I want a second opinion.....if they can find Jim's slides. So that would be the 3rd prayer request, that they can find his slides.
I have sent an e-mail to a doctor in Arizona who is supposed to be good, and hopefully he'll recommend where I can send the slides to, if they find them. I'm not sure if our insurance will pay for that...probably not, so that can be another prayer request, that if we find someone good to re-read them, that it's not tons of money.
I've cried all day today. It feels bleak.
Gloria
Friday, June 20, 2008
So far so good
Hi Everyone:
Well, we opted not to have the procedure. We were leaning towards it, and then all of a sudden while he was throwing up, he felt the urge to go to the bathroom, and he had a small bit of bowel movement and some gas. That helped us in our decision, and he's actually feeling a little bit better. He's trying to come home today. What's a girl to do with a guy like this. Definately DEFINATELY an answer to prayer. Thank you family and friends.
He can always opt for the procedure later if he needs it, in the meantime, they are giving him the medicine today that he would have taken if they would have found out he had a motility disorder. Dahhhh. That's what I said. Why risk it. Just give him the medicine. I MEAN IT CAN'T HARM HIM MORE THAN CHEMO. Meanwhile, he's already been on the medicine a few months back during a different time of constipation, and I have a bottle of it at home. Sigh. Anyway, it's certainly strange going from "could I possibly lose my husband tomorrow" to "I might come home today, honey."
I have learned tons and tons over the past 2 days and will share it with you when I have the time. And last night after spending an hour on phone with Bob Flower, I prayed a prayer that I've prayed over and over again, but this time with a "no take back" clause. After that, one thing kept coming to me over and over and over while I slept and today.
"Aslan's on the move."
So, I shared this with Judy, and when she asked Tom the same questions that I was asking, Tom's response was. "Aslan's not a tame lion."
So... I'll share more later, but my Jimmy may be coming home. 21 pounds less than he weighed when he went it, but he may be coming home.
Gloria
Well, we opted not to have the procedure. We were leaning towards it, and then all of a sudden while he was throwing up, he felt the urge to go to the bathroom, and he had a small bit of bowel movement and some gas. That helped us in our decision, and he's actually feeling a little bit better. He's trying to come home today. What's a girl to do with a guy like this. Definately DEFINATELY an answer to prayer. Thank you family and friends.
He can always opt for the procedure later if he needs it, in the meantime, they are giving him the medicine today that he would have taken if they would have found out he had a motility disorder. Dahhhh. That's what I said. Why risk it. Just give him the medicine. I MEAN IT CAN'T HARM HIM MORE THAN CHEMO. Meanwhile, he's already been on the medicine a few months back during a different time of constipation, and I have a bottle of it at home. Sigh. Anyway, it's certainly strange going from "could I possibly lose my husband tomorrow" to "I might come home today, honey."
I have learned tons and tons over the past 2 days and will share it with you when I have the time. And last night after spending an hour on phone with Bob Flower, I prayed a prayer that I've prayed over and over again, but this time with a "no take back" clause. After that, one thing kept coming to me over and over and over while I slept and today.
"Aslan's on the move."
So, I shared this with Judy, and when she asked Tom the same questions that I was asking, Tom's response was. "Aslan's not a tame lion."
So... I'll share more later, but my Jimmy may be coming home. 21 pounds less than he weighed when he went it, but he may be coming home.
Gloria
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Emergency Prayer needed
Hi Everyone:
Long story short, Jim can't move his bowels, and he keeps throwing up.
The tumor may be pressing on nerves that make the bowel muscles function, hence nothing is moving. Or there could be an obstruction, which they don't think is the case, based on other tests.
The GI guy wants to go down and look. Problem is, all that air could cause Jim's duodenum to perforate. Result. They do an emergency surgery to save Jim, but he couldn't get chemo, and his white blood cell count and red blood cell count is low, and Jim dies. STUPID.
However, I don't know what the alternative is. Could they just let him go, or would that cause worse problems? I'm scared to death, and so weary. Please pray for wisdom and protection.
Love Gloria
Long story short, Jim can't move his bowels, and he keeps throwing up.
The tumor may be pressing on nerves that make the bowel muscles function, hence nothing is moving. Or there could be an obstruction, which they don't think is the case, based on other tests.
The GI guy wants to go down and look. Problem is, all that air could cause Jim's duodenum to perforate. Result. They do an emergency surgery to save Jim, but he couldn't get chemo, and his white blood cell count and red blood cell count is low, and Jim dies. STUPID.
However, I don't know what the alternative is. Could they just let him go, or would that cause worse problems? I'm scared to death, and so weary. Please pray for wisdom and protection.
Love Gloria
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
sigh
Well, Jim is STILL in the hospital.
I'll tell you. Don't ever get chemo unless you're serious about living. It's that bad. Most of you probably know that though as cancer seems to touch enough people that we all get a taste of it. Some more than others.
I'll spare you the gorry details, but discovered another way that God has grown me up. I am the baby in the family, and well....I just don't do body fluids. Well, I "didn't" do body fluids. Just Johnny's. His was the only diaper I was able to change, ever.
Well, after my mom's cancer, and my dad's hospital stays, and now Jim, heck....1,2, puke, blood, needles, bed sores, enemas, suppositories, you name it, I can do it. Thanks God!!!
Yesterday, Jim was plugged up with 1 and 2 and was getting blood. But he threw up green...well, that was in the morning. What he threw up in the evening was red. For the second time since Jim has been ill, I seriously thought that perhaps he was declining and may die.
Today he did much better. He had a gastrograffin (sp) enema. He does not have an obstruction, but he is still full of bowel, and nothing is moving. He only threw up 2 times in the morning, was looking better for me, my sister and Tom. But then he threw up again late tonite. I sure hope he can come home before he has to go back in for the next round.
I'll tell you. Don't ever get chemo unless you're serious about living. It's that bad. Most of you probably know that though as cancer seems to touch enough people that we all get a taste of it. Some more than others.
I'll spare you the gorry details, but discovered another way that God has grown me up. I am the baby in the family, and well....I just don't do body fluids. Well, I "didn't" do body fluids. Just Johnny's. His was the only diaper I was able to change, ever.
Well, after my mom's cancer, and my dad's hospital stays, and now Jim, heck....1,2, puke, blood, needles, bed sores, enemas, suppositories, you name it, I can do it. Thanks God!!!
Yesterday, Jim was plugged up with 1 and 2 and was getting blood. But he threw up green...well, that was in the morning. What he threw up in the evening was red. For the second time since Jim has been ill, I seriously thought that perhaps he was declining and may die.
Today he did much better. He had a gastrograffin (sp) enema. He does not have an obstruction, but he is still full of bowel, and nothing is moving. He only threw up 2 times in the morning, was looking better for me, my sister and Tom. But then he threw up again late tonite. I sure hope he can come home before he has to go back in for the next round.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Not coming home today
Hi all:
Jim isn't coming home today. He's too sick, and he has a bowel obstruction.
A bit of sarcastic humor, if you don't mind.
I remember back in the olden days (lol) when you would go to the hospital and the nuns were the nurses. (They were much nicer than the nuns that were teachers...well most of them were.) Anyway, if you didn't poop in 8 days, they would think....wait. you never got to 8 days. If you didn't poop in 3 days, they were going in after it.
Well, today, after 8 days of Jim not going to the bathroom and not being able to hold a sip of water in in belly without it coming out the other end, they decide to give him an xray to see if he is obstructed. Just what he needed...more radiation. And guess what. He is. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. That was sooooooooo smart of them. wow. I am sooooo impressed with the gene pool out there. Don't listen to the wife who for days has been telling them that her husband is full of...well, you know.
HELLO. Stuff in, no stuff out after 8 days.....you're stuffed.
I swear them nurses need their knuckles cracked with a good strong ruler.
Gloria (Dolly)
Please pray for him. He's so discouraged.
Jim isn't coming home today. He's too sick, and he has a bowel obstruction.
A bit of sarcastic humor, if you don't mind.
I remember back in the olden days (lol) when you would go to the hospital and the nuns were the nurses. (They were much nicer than the nuns that were teachers...well most of them were.) Anyway, if you didn't poop in 8 days, they would think....wait. you never got to 8 days. If you didn't poop in 3 days, they were going in after it.
Well, today, after 8 days of Jim not going to the bathroom and not being able to hold a sip of water in in belly without it coming out the other end, they decide to give him an xray to see if he is obstructed. Just what he needed...more radiation. And guess what. He is. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. That was sooooooooo smart of them. wow. I am sooooo impressed with the gene pool out there. Don't listen to the wife who for days has been telling them that her husband is full of...well, you know.
HELLO. Stuff in, no stuff out after 8 days.....you're stuffed.
I swear them nurses need their knuckles cracked with a good strong ruler.
Gloria (Dolly)
Please pray for him. He's so discouraged.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Hmmmm
You know. I laugh at myself. Did you ever read something you wrote the next day and think....WHAT THE HECK.... Well, that was me. What was I saying. I know what I meant. It's in there. It's inside of me, and I can't seem to get it out in a way that is clear or concise.
My dear dear friend Rachel and I have a saying, after 15 years of an e-mail relationship. We say, "I hope I didn't Edith Bunker you." We can both ramble. Once again, I probably Edith Bunkered you. You have to know my style to know what I was saying. Again, I was feeling out loud, even if it didn't make sense to you.
But I bet Rachel knows what I mean. And if she were to write it, you would understand perfectly. Anyway, sorry if you were puzzled after reading my blog.
Gloria
My dear dear friend Rachel and I have a saying, after 15 years of an e-mail relationship. We say, "I hope I didn't Edith Bunker you." We can both ramble. Once again, I probably Edith Bunkered you. You have to know my style to know what I was saying. Again, I was feeling out loud, even if it didn't make sense to you.
But I bet Rachel knows what I mean. And if she were to write it, you would understand perfectly. Anyway, sorry if you were puzzled after reading my blog.
Gloria
Home Alone 9
Hi everyone:
Well, Jim is on day 2 or 3??? of his new chemo regimen. It's called ESHAP for those interested. He will be in the hospital having this chemo infused, 24 hours for 5 days.
Many have asked about visiting Jim, and I want you to know that he is up for visitors at the hospital and at home. You can go anytime to the hospital. They're not strict about visiting hours. He'll probably be home by Monday. Here at home, just call, when you want to visit, just so I know. This way I won't scare you and be running about the yard in my bathing suit with muddy hands gardening. (actually I probably still will be, but I can hose off before you come.) Jim may have to stay in bed during your visit, or he may be up and moving, we're not sure, but he doesn't mind if you don't and he would love to see you.
I can hardly stand to think about this poison going into my dear husband again. It kills me. A month ago we were thinking how we would be up the cottage for a vacation, after a year of pain for Jim, and hard work for me. And he would be back to work in July. To be here at this place with all the uncertainties and watching this drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip going into Jim is like something I have never imagined.
And this goes on over and over and over in the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every day who have cancer. Not to mention children with cancer. And what about other types of pain. Like children dying or being abused. The pain of divorce. Other diseases, and loneliness and fires that destroy homes and family and earthquakes and floods and alcoholism, starvation and Africa's homeless children with AIDS, and what of the sadness of children whose parents are in prison, and paralyzed people who are lonely for love. What of everyone in the world who really all they want and need is a deep abiding love, but are too proud, confused or to hurt to admit it and seek it out. Or what of those who seek it out the wrong way? What of the fear in my Father's eyes when he can't communicate his thoughts because of Alzheimer's Disease? and on and on and on and on....drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.... I can't bear it anymore. I can't even stand to see a deer dead on the side of the road. Jim always tells me they're just sleeping. It's a little game we play. However, I really try and think they are sleeping, cause it's just too sad. There is sooooooo much pain in this world. Amazingly through this illness, I seemed to have developed a softer heart and more compassion for people in pain. That terrifies me. What am I going to do with that? I'll end up like....like....like Judy. (LOL to you Gudy, you know who you are...actually this little joke was to make you laugh cause you're probably already crying.) Despite this feeling of not being able to handle it, God seems to pour out even more. I don't get it. It's all too much. It always has been. And yes through the years, God continued to reveal his love to me.
This past year, more than ever in my life, without us even knowing that this nasty cancer was in Jim making him weak, he became more strong than ever, and I was glad to have the hand of this strong man to hold onto for the rest of my days. He has reflected Jesus' love to me more perfect than anyone ever has in my history. That's the way it is to be. That's the job God called Jim to. Jim is to love me like Christ loves the church. He would die 20 deaths for me...without thinking twice. So, the way I'm seeing it is like this. I'm not really getting stronger. I'm getting softer. And Jim's getting stronger. So, he has to stay around for a long time yet. Cause I need him.
So, I'm looking forward to holding my Jumbo's hand and him telling me that that bad dog on the side of the road is just sleeping.
Okay...I'm rambling my confusion. I'm feeling out loud. Time to veg and eat chocolate.
But all of that was just to say this:
Our God IS a Great God to be able to contain the incredible pain of this world and to feel our pain and hold us in the palm of His hand and to know the numbers of our tears. Not just me. He holds the pain and grief and the lives of million of his children in his hand as well. And He watches them go through this pain over and over and over. And yes, He allows it. Some would say that type of God is impotant or sadistic. I say He's GREAT because of it. Yeah, he's great because he's made the trees and the stars, and DNA, yes.
But there is another thing about God that is amazing that I have never thought about in this way, and it's this: For 6000 years (yes, I'm a young earth believer) or so he has loved His creation that he made in His image, with a love that we can't even begin to feel. And we have turned our back on Him with every type of insult. Adam and Eve and the rest of us. And this sin was so catastrophic that it changed everything. It wasn't a simple...."sin entered the world" It was catastrophic. It wreaked havoc and has been for 6000 years. That sin is responsible for every single nasty thing that has ever happened...yuk. And God, being all seeing and all knowing has seen and knows all of these sins and their offspring (drip drip drips, ) and has beared all of this on His body physically and it hasn't killed him from the weight of it. (I'm not talking about the cross here. He chose that out of love.) I'm talking about the weight of the world.
Now, you're probably thinking.... what? what the heck is she talking about? But wait. Take your worse pain ever and multiply it by a gazillion. Could you continue? Could you breathe still? Would you want to? God does. That is amazing. I don't know how He does it. I can't bear to think about the next 4 weeks and hearing the doctor's verdict of how it goes for Jim.
I thought I was done, but I have one more thing. But one day God is going to say enough is enough, and he's going to end all the pain and the evil of this world, and I am sooooooooo glad I'm His darling daughter and that He will delight in me, and I in Him for eternity. For those who don't choose living in Him now. Oh my. They will choose to bear an eternity of drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.....
Thank you Lord for my temporary pain and for my eternity of something that is SOOOOOOO GRAND that I can't even give a name to it.
If you are reading this and not certain were you would spend eternity, you can e-mail me and I'll call you and we can talk. We can talk about the One who gives me hope despite all the drips. And I love you and wouldn't want you to choose an eternity of drips because you have been confused by the world, the ruler of this world, religion, etc. You can have the same hope too. IT'S REAL and IT'S BEAUTIFUL. Just e-mail me.
Now where's that chocolate.
Gloria
Well, Jim is on day 2 or 3??? of his new chemo regimen. It's called ESHAP for those interested. He will be in the hospital having this chemo infused, 24 hours for 5 days.
Many have asked about visiting Jim, and I want you to know that he is up for visitors at the hospital and at home. You can go anytime to the hospital. They're not strict about visiting hours. He'll probably be home by Monday. Here at home, just call, when you want to visit, just so I know. This way I won't scare you and be running about the yard in my bathing suit with muddy hands gardening. (actually I probably still will be, but I can hose off before you come.) Jim may have to stay in bed during your visit, or he may be up and moving, we're not sure, but he doesn't mind if you don't and he would love to see you.
I can hardly stand to think about this poison going into my dear husband again. It kills me. A month ago we were thinking how we would be up the cottage for a vacation, after a year of pain for Jim, and hard work for me. And he would be back to work in July. To be here at this place with all the uncertainties and watching this drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip going into Jim is like something I have never imagined.
And this goes on over and over and over in the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every day who have cancer. Not to mention children with cancer. And what about other types of pain. Like children dying or being abused. The pain of divorce. Other diseases, and loneliness and fires that destroy homes and family and earthquakes and floods and alcoholism, starvation and Africa's homeless children with AIDS, and what of the sadness of children whose parents are in prison, and paralyzed people who are lonely for love. What of everyone in the world who really all they want and need is a deep abiding love, but are too proud, confused or to hurt to admit it and seek it out. Or what of those who seek it out the wrong way? What of the fear in my Father's eyes when he can't communicate his thoughts because of Alzheimer's Disease? and on and on and on and on....drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.... I can't bear it anymore. I can't even stand to see a deer dead on the side of the road. Jim always tells me they're just sleeping. It's a little game we play. However, I really try and think they are sleeping, cause it's just too sad. There is sooooooo much pain in this world. Amazingly through this illness, I seemed to have developed a softer heart and more compassion for people in pain. That terrifies me. What am I going to do with that? I'll end up like....like....like Judy. (LOL to you Gudy, you know who you are...actually this little joke was to make you laugh cause you're probably already crying.) Despite this feeling of not being able to handle it, God seems to pour out even more. I don't get it. It's all too much. It always has been. And yes through the years, God continued to reveal his love to me.
This past year, more than ever in my life, without us even knowing that this nasty cancer was in Jim making him weak, he became more strong than ever, and I was glad to have the hand of this strong man to hold onto for the rest of my days. He has reflected Jesus' love to me more perfect than anyone ever has in my history. That's the way it is to be. That's the job God called Jim to. Jim is to love me like Christ loves the church. He would die 20 deaths for me...without thinking twice. So, the way I'm seeing it is like this. I'm not really getting stronger. I'm getting softer. And Jim's getting stronger. So, he has to stay around for a long time yet. Cause I need him.
So, I'm looking forward to holding my Jumbo's hand and him telling me that that bad dog on the side of the road is just sleeping.
Okay...I'm rambling my confusion. I'm feeling out loud. Time to veg and eat chocolate.
But all of that was just to say this:
Our God IS a Great God to be able to contain the incredible pain of this world and to feel our pain and hold us in the palm of His hand and to know the numbers of our tears. Not just me. He holds the pain and grief and the lives of million of his children in his hand as well. And He watches them go through this pain over and over and over. And yes, He allows it. Some would say that type of God is impotant or sadistic. I say He's GREAT because of it. Yeah, he's great because he's made the trees and the stars, and DNA, yes.
But there is another thing about God that is amazing that I have never thought about in this way, and it's this: For 6000 years (yes, I'm a young earth believer) or so he has loved His creation that he made in His image, with a love that we can't even begin to feel. And we have turned our back on Him with every type of insult. Adam and Eve and the rest of us. And this sin was so catastrophic that it changed everything. It wasn't a simple...."sin entered the world" It was catastrophic. It wreaked havoc and has been for 6000 years. That sin is responsible for every single nasty thing that has ever happened...yuk. And God, being all seeing and all knowing has seen and knows all of these sins and their offspring (drip drip drips, ) and has beared all of this on His body physically and it hasn't killed him from the weight of it. (I'm not talking about the cross here. He chose that out of love.) I'm talking about the weight of the world.
Now, you're probably thinking.... what? what the heck is she talking about? But wait. Take your worse pain ever and multiply it by a gazillion. Could you continue? Could you breathe still? Would you want to? God does. That is amazing. I don't know how He does it. I can't bear to think about the next 4 weeks and hearing the doctor's verdict of how it goes for Jim.
I thought I was done, but I have one more thing. But one day God is going to say enough is enough, and he's going to end all the pain and the evil of this world, and I am sooooooooo glad I'm His darling daughter and that He will delight in me, and I in Him for eternity. For those who don't choose living in Him now. Oh my. They will choose to bear an eternity of drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.....
Thank you Lord for my temporary pain and for my eternity of something that is SOOOOOOO GRAND that I can't even give a name to it.
If you are reading this and not certain were you would spend eternity, you can e-mail me and I'll call you and we can talk. We can talk about the One who gives me hope despite all the drips. And I love you and wouldn't want you to choose an eternity of drips because you have been confused by the world, the ruler of this world, religion, etc. You can have the same hope too. IT'S REAL and IT'S BEAUTIFUL. Just e-mail me.
Now where's that chocolate.
Gloria
Friday, June 13, 2008
Duodenum
Hi Folks:
Within 1 week, Jim's 1 lymphnode grew from 3 cm to 6 cm. It doubled in size. Because of the size of this mass, Jim's duodenum again is in danger and could perforate. He's feeling a bit less pain, which means this chemo may have already begun to shrunk the mass. Now that doesn't mean he's healed, but it does mean he is getting closer to being out of danger from dying of a perforated duodenum. So, please continue to pray for him.
I had not initially posted this, as there is a family wedding in Texas and my kids John and Leah were going camping with their mom and dad, and I didn't want to ruin anyone's fun, and there was nothing they could do anyway. But in light of the fact that he's already in less pain, this is a good sign.
So....
Pray, that it doesn't perforate
that the chemo works long term
and pray for protection of Jim's kidney's. This chemo is bad on them, and he's retaining water.
I love you guys
Gloria
Within 1 week, Jim's 1 lymphnode grew from 3 cm to 6 cm. It doubled in size. Because of the size of this mass, Jim's duodenum again is in danger and could perforate. He's feeling a bit less pain, which means this chemo may have already begun to shrunk the mass. Now that doesn't mean he's healed, but it does mean he is getting closer to being out of danger from dying of a perforated duodenum. So, please continue to pray for him.
I had not initially posted this, as there is a family wedding in Texas and my kids John and Leah were going camping with their mom and dad, and I didn't want to ruin anyone's fun, and there was nothing they could do anyway. But in light of the fact that he's already in less pain, this is a good sign.
So....
Pray, that it doesn't perforate
that the chemo works long term
and pray for protection of Jim's kidney's. This chemo is bad on them, and he's retaining water.
I love you guys
Gloria
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Results are in
Hi Everyone:
We just got off the phone with the doctor. As suspected, the cancer is back.
I'm a bundle of jumping nerves, so forgive me if I sound goofy as I try and report what he said.
He said that there was significant activity compared with the last PET scan. There is "intense activity" of cancer in his abdomen. "Major." There is also activity near the 3rd portion near the duodenum. Also in the mesentary. He also has activity on the left colar bone. His spleen is still swollen. Could possibly be cancer there, too.
He doesn't need another bone marrow biopsy because the Doctor said it doesn't make a difference right now. Treatment would be the same, so why put him through that.
He has an appt. tomorrow morning, and they will probably put Jim in the hospital right away to start a 5-day dose of infused chemo.
Doc said, "IF" Jim has a favorable response, they would then take a bone marrow biopsy because he will need to have stem cell transplant.
I will know more tomorrow, after we meet with the doctor.
Please pray for my honeybunch. He's crying because he doesn't want to leave me.
He is sooooo tired. This makes the 10th hospital stay.
Here's what I thought of in the past 5 minutes. I'm losing my husband. Our med bills are stacking up. Our paycheck is going down. Wednesday's they have rice krispie treats in the cafeteria. I'm not losing my husband. How can my garden look so pretty when my Jumbo is so sick? I have to cut the grass soon. Did I pay that one bill? This would be a great time for the rapture. How come everyone else's life is moving along? Why doesn't it come to a stop when mine comes to a stop? We would rather be at the fancy wedding in Texas.
I know all of this isn't happening because of the lack of prayers.
Keep praying still
Gloria
We just got off the phone with the doctor. As suspected, the cancer is back.
I'm a bundle of jumping nerves, so forgive me if I sound goofy as I try and report what he said.
He said that there was significant activity compared with the last PET scan. There is "intense activity" of cancer in his abdomen. "Major." There is also activity near the 3rd portion near the duodenum. Also in the mesentary. He also has activity on the left colar bone. His spleen is still swollen. Could possibly be cancer there, too.
He doesn't need another bone marrow biopsy because the Doctor said it doesn't make a difference right now. Treatment would be the same, so why put him through that.
He has an appt. tomorrow morning, and they will probably put Jim in the hospital right away to start a 5-day dose of infused chemo.
Doc said, "IF" Jim has a favorable response, they would then take a bone marrow biopsy because he will need to have stem cell transplant.
I will know more tomorrow, after we meet with the doctor.
Please pray for my honeybunch. He's crying because he doesn't want to leave me.
He is sooooo tired. This makes the 10th hospital stay.
Here's what I thought of in the past 5 minutes. I'm losing my husband. Our med bills are stacking up. Our paycheck is going down. Wednesday's they have rice krispie treats in the cafeteria. I'm not losing my husband. How can my garden look so pretty when my Jumbo is so sick? I have to cut the grass soon. Did I pay that one bill? This would be a great time for the rapture. How come everyone else's life is moving along? Why doesn't it come to a stop when mine comes to a stop? We would rather be at the fancy wedding in Texas.
I know all of this isn't happening because of the lack of prayers.
Keep praying still
Gloria
Friday, June 6, 2008
PET scan #2
Hi Everyone:
Jim gets his PET scan today. Pray for an "empty" picture, too. (healing) If it's not empty, pray for a clear picture, a very thorough scan. Pray that he doesn't have too much pain as he goes through it, and that he can move his bowels because all of the pain medicine has him all messed up again. Pray that a good radiologist reads the report and compares it to all of his past scans with clarity and vision.
I'll let you know when we know
Gloria
Jim gets his PET scan today. Pray for an "empty" picture, too. (healing) If it's not empty, pray for a clear picture, a very thorough scan. Pray that he doesn't have too much pain as he goes through it, and that he can move his bowels because all of the pain medicine has him all messed up again. Pray that a good radiologist reads the report and compares it to all of his past scans with clarity and vision.
I'll let you know when we know
Gloria
Thursday, June 5, 2008
all kinds of healings
Last week when Jim was in the hospital, one of our pastors came and visited him and prayed with him. He invited the elders to come and pray for Jim. Last night another of our pastors and about 6 elders came over. I stayed outside praying and working in the yard, while they confessed sin, prayed over Jim and annointed him with oil. They prayed for me in the yard after they left. This really blessed us and healed a part of our hearts that has been hurting since we aren't really able to connect with the church we love that much any more.
Also yesterday, a friend from church brought us a chicken dinner. This was healing, too. Another arm of God, reaching down to love us.
The day before, my nephew cut some of the grass. My brother in law came and moved woods, gutters, and a few other things. And my sister, well, forget that...she has and would do anything. And later a different nephew came and cut the rest of the grass. He also sprayed my basement walls for mold. Many more arms of God reaching down to love us and to heal our hurting hearts.
A sister-in-love went on the lookout for a shower chair (another thing insurance doesn't cover). She, too, would do anything we asked. More love, more healing.
That same day, our brother came and fixed the awning and the rest of some leftover work from the new roof they put on for us. More love, more healing.
and I could go on and on and on. Until Jim is healed of this disease, either on this side of heaven or that side of heaven, it is really really true. He will never forsake us. And I'm reminded again that He uses His people to show us. So, we have seen his arms and hands and love this week.
Thank you family and friends. Thank you Jesus.
Now, about that healing...
We love you Lord
Gloria
Also yesterday, a friend from church brought us a chicken dinner. This was healing, too. Another arm of God, reaching down to love us.
The day before, my nephew cut some of the grass. My brother in law came and moved woods, gutters, and a few other things. And my sister, well, forget that...she has and would do anything. And later a different nephew came and cut the rest of the grass. He also sprayed my basement walls for mold. Many more arms of God reaching down to love us and to heal our hurting hearts.
A sister-in-love went on the lookout for a shower chair (another thing insurance doesn't cover). She, too, would do anything we asked. More love, more healing.
That same day, our brother came and fixed the awning and the rest of some leftover work from the new roof they put on for us. More love, more healing.
and I could go on and on and on. Until Jim is healed of this disease, either on this side of heaven or that side of heaven, it is really really true. He will never forsake us. And I'm reminded again that He uses His people to show us. So, we have seen his arms and hands and love this week.
Thank you family and friends. Thank you Jesus.
Now, about that healing...
We love you Lord
Gloria
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
answered prayer
Hi everyone:
Well, Jim's PET scan is scheduled for Friday. Thank you for your prayers. Now I simply asked for prayer this morning, so I'm sure not everyone saw this request, but those who did, prayed and Jim's getting in this morning. So, thank you for praying, and thank you my dear Father in heaven for listen.
Now, about that healing....
We love you Lord :)
Gloria
Well, Jim's PET scan is scheduled for Friday. Thank you for your prayers. Now I simply asked for prayer this morning, so I'm sure not everyone saw this request, but those who did, prayed and Jim's getting in this morning. So, thank you for praying, and thank you my dear Father in heaven for listen.
Now, about that healing....
We love you Lord :)
Gloria
PET scan
Hi anyone.
If you are reading this, could you please pray that our insurance approve the PET scan in a fast way. Jim's cancer is fast growing and aggressive. We don't want it going into his bone marrow, but by the time we can get any staff or insurance to move on things, weeks go bye. I can't fight it anymore. So I have to leave it to God. I just could use some help asking him.
Every piece of info I read about cancer, any message board, etc. they all say, "make sure you have a doctor you can talk to and trust. Make sure they have a supportive staff. Make sure....blah blah blah." Like I can somehow control that? Jim will get a great nurse while in the hospital, and the next one will not deliver his pain meds until an hour later and he has rung the bell 5 times. "We'll call you back, Mr. Baldauff." No call. And on it goes.
Thanks for the prayers
Gloria
If you are reading this, could you please pray that our insurance approve the PET scan in a fast way. Jim's cancer is fast growing and aggressive. We don't want it going into his bone marrow, but by the time we can get any staff or insurance to move on things, weeks go bye. I can't fight it anymore. So I have to leave it to God. I just could use some help asking him.
Every piece of info I read about cancer, any message board, etc. they all say, "make sure you have a doctor you can talk to and trust. Make sure they have a supportive staff. Make sure....blah blah blah." Like I can somehow control that? Jim will get a great nurse while in the hospital, and the next one will not deliver his pain meds until an hour later and he has rung the bell 5 times. "We'll call you back, Mr. Baldauff." No call. And on it goes.
Thanks for the prayers
Gloria
Monday, June 2, 2008
Good news, bad news
The good news is that my Jimmy is home.
The bad news is now he seeing my crying my heart out, so I have to find a hiding place.
:)
It's so wonderful to have him home
Gloria
The bad news is now he seeing my crying my heart out, so I have to find a hiding place.
:)
It's so wonderful to have him home
Gloria
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Relapsed
Hi Folks:
Without a PET scan it's not official, but all the evidence and the doctors report that Jim's cancer has come back, and that he does have a resistant strain which is going to take a harder approach, with some possible stem cell replacement and such. I don't know all the info yet. We're still recovering from the shock. Jim is back on oxycontin, and this is helping his pain of course, but it was very sad to go back on that, we rejoiced so much when he got to go off of it.
This past Tuesday Jim would have had his 6th and final treatment. We thought that was the end of it, and we looking forward to going to Minnesota (Bob and Carol, you didn't even know we were coming) the cottage, and talk about our futures and ministry. In fact, this weekend was camp rising spirits. I called it camp cancer. LOL. They hated when I called it that. But for $25.00 you went away and got your spirits raised, so they said. For 25 dollars, I knew I didn't have to cook for 3 days, and they had knitting classes (something I wanted to do all winter, but couldn't), fishing, swimming, whatever you want to do, and if you're too sick, you can drive the golf cart around to each thing. We were looking forward to that sooooo much.
So, this Sunday, we find ourselves looking at a whole different game.
The doctors said that originally that it was an 80 percent chance that Jim would recover. Now it's 40. My initial reaction was, "well, if he couldn't make it in the 80 percent, 40 percent doesn't hold much hope. Then I realized percentages are nothing. God is sovereign. If Jim is going to be healed, he will be healed, even if he has a 1 percent. And if God is calling him home, he could have a 99 percent chance of success, but he's out of here. So, I'm not caring about percentages right now. Who cares about them. but Jim is sick, and I do know this.
So, I pray without ceasing that the Lord doesn't take my Jimmy home yet. I pray that God heals him here, rather than there. I pray that God's will be done. I then ask God for His will to please be that he doesn't call Jim home yet. I don't know what His will is, but I pray to God asking for Jim to stay here, if for no other reason but simply because the daughter that he loves asks her Dad for something she desires with all her heart. And it's not a big request for God my father. He is the father of all compassion. And He just might do it for no other reason but because he loves me.
And you keep praying too.
Gloria
Without a PET scan it's not official, but all the evidence and the doctors report that Jim's cancer has come back, and that he does have a resistant strain which is going to take a harder approach, with some possible stem cell replacement and such. I don't know all the info yet. We're still recovering from the shock. Jim is back on oxycontin, and this is helping his pain of course, but it was very sad to go back on that, we rejoiced so much when he got to go off of it.
This past Tuesday Jim would have had his 6th and final treatment. We thought that was the end of it, and we looking forward to going to Minnesota (Bob and Carol, you didn't even know we were coming) the cottage, and talk about our futures and ministry. In fact, this weekend was camp rising spirits. I called it camp cancer. LOL. They hated when I called it that. But for $25.00 you went away and got your spirits raised, so they said. For 25 dollars, I knew I didn't have to cook for 3 days, and they had knitting classes (something I wanted to do all winter, but couldn't), fishing, swimming, whatever you want to do, and if you're too sick, you can drive the golf cart around to each thing. We were looking forward to that sooooo much.
So, this Sunday, we find ourselves looking at a whole different game.
The doctors said that originally that it was an 80 percent chance that Jim would recover. Now it's 40. My initial reaction was, "well, if he couldn't make it in the 80 percent, 40 percent doesn't hold much hope. Then I realized percentages are nothing. God is sovereign. If Jim is going to be healed, he will be healed, even if he has a 1 percent. And if God is calling him home, he could have a 99 percent chance of success, but he's out of here. So, I'm not caring about percentages right now. Who cares about them. but Jim is sick, and I do know this.
So, I pray without ceasing that the Lord doesn't take my Jimmy home yet. I pray that God heals him here, rather than there. I pray that God's will be done. I then ask God for His will to please be that he doesn't call Jim home yet. I don't know what His will is, but I pray to God asking for Jim to stay here, if for no other reason but simply because the daughter that he loves asks her Dad for something she desires with all her heart. And it's not a big request for God my father. He is the father of all compassion. And He just might do it for no other reason but because he loves me.
And you keep praying too.
Gloria
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