Pills Schmills

I would like to take all of Jim's meds and send them down the drain.

I'm going to lead my first official teaching for the bible study. I'm nervous...Pray for me. I know I'll talk too fast, trip over words, etc.

Poor Jim

Hi Everyone:

Could you please remember to lift Jim up in prayer. He had 3 great days. Remember the shelves??? Well, they are at a stand still. He's in horrible pain. And he's getting down.

At the NIH, they put him on a new med for the peripheral neuropathy (PN). That's his major complaint now. PN. And he's feeling worse and worse and worse. Today I look it up online. It's an antidepressant, Desipramine???? Anyway, does something with the neurotransmitters or something. But guess what a side effect is????? PN????? What is up with that?

There is an article in the NEJM (New England Journal of Medicine) that states it can help with diabetic neuropathy. But he doesn't have that kind. I don't know. Anyway. He hasn't moved in a week, and he's getting down.

what to do

Well, I have been praying a bit about this.

I believe what is best to do is to blog about Jim. And to also blog about our prayer needs, and when I am feeling overwhelmed or over anything and I need to share, I'll do it in person or phone a friend. It's very true that people from out of town check the blog to see about Jim and how to pray. That alone is a reason to continue.

So, about Jim. He talked the docs into going back to the NIH in 6 weeks. They wanted him to come back in a month. He wanted 2 months, so they met in the middle. The reason why we have to go every month is for the breathing treatment medicine. He can't take the oral medicine because it lowers the blood counts, and his blood counts are already too low. He's supposed to have the treatment every month, but they are going to extend it for 2 weeks. I think it's kind of nuts, because he's now on antibiotic for a sinus infection, and he's not stopped coughing for a two weeks now. I hope he's not getting bronchitis. So you can pray for that.

I got the flu shot, and now have to get the swine flu shot. MANDATORY, they told me. We talked to another patient who had a SCT, and she said her doc told her she had to get the flu shot, but Jim's docs never told us about that. So we have to call and find out. Yet, he can't get the flu shot if he's sick.

We've been amazingly blessed, again, as this surely isn't the first time, by God through...well, someone. Someone else. My son wants me to thank you for him. He said, thanks so much for taking care of his parents and doing for us what he can't do.

Do you know that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what this world leader thing in Pittsburgh is. I don't even know the name of it. I have not watched the news in probably 2 years. Is that pathetic or what?

My shingles are doing great. Praise God. They are so painful. I lead my first bible study on Monday. Yeah, I was nervous and I feel totally inept. Pray for me there. I'm very excited about it. I love inductive study, but can't fathom why God would want me to lead one.

God bless you all.
Us

Time for Farewell?

Hi everyone:

Quickly, I just want to say that for quite some time now, I have tossed back and forth no longer blogging. The hardest part of this is writing one letter to an audience of 50 or 100. Some type A, some type B. And me. Sometimes, I'm up, and sometimes, I'm down.

When I read my blog of 2 days ago, I wrote something to the effect that I no feel like I have any friends and in many ways that is true....What I meant is, and in many ways that FEELS true.

I'm tired of worrying, or potentially hurting someone, etc. I've used this blog often times, as a journal...something that should be for my eyes only. I've just not had the time over the past few years to journal. That is something I've often done, for years. And so, many times, this was that place that happened, and I don't think it's good or healthy for me any more to do so. It won't be the last blog to fade off into nowheresville.

AND EVERYONE KNOWS that Jim doesn't write here, so...

Anyway. I am prayerfully considering that. Maybe God's doing a new thing.

We shall see.

Feeling better emotionally

Hi everyone:

I'm sorry for the "emotional" vomiting I did online. It's weird. This blank white page is often the only "person" I talk to. I actually have to much more to say to "you" white page, but I know there are people behind it who read it that I love and don't want to hurt, etc. But really, I'm thinking of getting rid of the cell phone. The only people that call are my sister, and she can find me anywhere, and Passavant, because my dad's in the hospital. They seem to find me, too.

But this blog entry isn't about feeling lonely right now. I'm not. I'm kind of ecstatic in some ways because the Lord has been very close to me in talking to me and answering prayer for others, as well as my self.

Anyways, Emotionally I feel better. Jim, too. We're home, so that's good right off the start. The ride home injurious, at best, but it will be the last one in the truck.

My shingles are killing me. I feel bad that I haven't had more sympathy for others when they've been afflicted with them. They are terrible. Anyway. Jim is doing better. They took a CT scan of his sinuses, but we don't know what the results are because they are treating him for sinus infection anyway. They think his lungs are okay. We would have rather had an Xray of the lungs, but, they were more concerned with sinuses, so....? His blood was low in red blood cells, white blood cells, platelets, and his protein was low, and creatinine high, but the docs think that's the way it will be for him because his bone marrow has been so damaged from all the chemo. I can't get enough protein in him, so that's weird. But all in all, he's okay. He saw the pain team, and they are trying another type of neuropathy medicine.

I'm ready to go with Bill's Iodine, myself. :)

Amy, had you not lived in Virginia, I might have called you. I mean, come on. You thank God for broken windows. :) Jim and I were in such a state those 2 days. We were both in so much pain and just felt so distraught and lonely. I have to tell you though, it wasn't meant toward you or K or new friends at church. There are people that I have loved and walked with for 10, 11, 12, 13...+ years that...I will call you. I felt bad that you thought that I would think you weren't one to care.

I would like to write more, but I can't. We're home and I've got to unload, unpack, etc. And I can't take pain medicine because it makes me violently sick.

Anyways, thanks for your prayers.

Hi Ken and Lorainne....

(real quickly... I said hi to those guys because they read the blog faithfully. She has beat cancer 3 times, and this totally knocks my socks off, but they're in their 80's. I love it.

You guys are soooooooooo way cool. Surfing the net, reading blogs in your 80's. Oh, if you don't want anyone to know how old you are, I hope I didn't blow it. Oh geeze.

They look like they are in their late 60's, early 70's. Amazin'

Prayer needed so bad...

We both really need some fervent prayer.

On our way to the NIH yesterday, a bit past New Stanton, the engine light went on again. 5 miles later, our transmission blew. We had to be towed all the way home. It made the journey extra long and tiring. There is no money to repair that hunk of tin or buy a new one. I am so done with all of this.

So, we try for some help. The gentleman at church that could help was on vacation. His replacement wasn't at his phone. There wasn't a rental car available anywhere in the City, including the airport. Our brother in the Lord who would have helped, Mr. Flowers, was getting a colonoscopy today, so he was unavailable to help, our son lives out of town, MJ and Joe's car would have taken 2 hours to get to, and it has over 200 K miles and we weren't sure if it would have been comfortable for Jim, and the other was a stick shift. I'm too old for that. So, we took the truck. BAD MOVE. It's so small, and every crack feels like a pothole, and poor Jim was in so much pain by the time we got there, he was in tears. You can't even move your feet, it's so small. I was in tears and pain as well. Turns out that "bite" in my back is SHINGLES, and I am in extreme pain. I can barely wheel him around, so I need prayer.

Last night Jim and I felt so very alone. VERY alone. And in many ways we are. I basically no longer have any friends, at least the kind that can pick you up when down. I guess I understand that. Too needy for too long = bye bye, particularly since the enemy of our souls fills the pages of our lives with things we deem important, that arent necessarily so. And the only way to find that out is to walk our path, so.... That WAS NOT for condemnation of anyone, but to let you know where we are at and how we need prayer.

I told Jim last night that I can no longer do this. And I felt so bad about that. I'm all he has, as well. As I crawled on my knees to get to the suitcase that was in the back of the bed of the truck, I heard something pop. (shhh, don't tell Jim.) I'm not sure if it was my back or my sanity. We are a mess, and so very tired of it all.

I told Jim today. "I'm just telling satan that I am going to lead bible study for the rest of my life, this way he knows he's defeated and he'll leave me alone already." Problem is, I might have to hitchhike to church, and he's been at my heals forever, so what gives?

Well, Jim has to get a CT scan of his sinuses, so I have to go. Please pray for us.

Day 3???? FIZZLED OUT...

Well, poor Jim. He's been horizontal in bed since the second day. And I'm close behind him. I have 2 things going on with me, and I have no idea what they are right now. I'm hoping that big round itchy thing on my body is NOT a shingle. And I hope that lump in my groin ins't anthing either.

And I hope Jim doesn't have pneumonia. He's coughing, slight temp, and doesn't have very much energy. he did receive a pneumonia shot a few weeks ag0, and sometimes you get a little bit of what it is you were just immunized from.

Well, we go to the NIH tomorrow. I'm not looking forward yet to another drive. It's all so very draining. And then I get an e-mail that there are possibly 25 women in my bible study, including the new pastor's wife. Gulp. LOL. Really, it's okay, I just wanted to end on a dramatic note.

pray for us both. Pray that our vehicle makes it. I know that engine light is going to come on again. It's riding rough again.

I'm really tired.

Good night folks.

Great Day # 2

Today was another very good day. Jim went with my brother-n-law Mark out to Wexford to help Mark look at a car and then came home, and we nailed four 2 X 4's in works for the shelves. So far, it's taken us about 4 months...since we've come home, to paint the floor and get 11 pieces of wood up, but I'll take it. It's just in time, too, cause I can no longer walk around my basement. I have to take a picture and post it. It's kinda scary though. Jim's kinda hurty right now, as usual, but hurty and feeling a bit happier is better than hurty and feeling like you don't contribute anything of worth.

THENNNN... we had to take our van in twice the past 2 weeks because of the engine light. I can't remember what it was, but it was close to 300 buckaroos the first time, but today the call was..."when we connected it to the machine, the code came up TRANSMISSION." YIKES. Those words make a housewife married to a hurty man tremble tremble tremble.... But thennnnnnnn, they changed the fluid and said there were no coffee grounds. Now I don't know what that means, but I know it didn't cost me a thousand + bucks. I just hope that darn light stays off. We have to travel to the NIH next week, and that's a bit scary, so pray we don't break down or the light burns out or something. :) I guess we're going to have to get a new used car too eventually. All the driving back and forth, back and forth are taking its toll. But let's not go there. This is about 2 good days in a row. I don't want to ruin it by thinking of used car salesman and trying to get a 10K car for 4K.

My dad's out of the hopt, is getting home nursing for a few days, and I have to meet with the hospice people for him on Tuesday, which may help him to get the breathing treatments that he keeps refusing, but that will keep him out of the hospital. That is goodly.

And last but not least I discovered a few hours ago, online, that next Thursday, The Office, (the last worldly addiction I possess) season 6, begins.

Good day, huh?

LOL...My laundry is all done. LOL. Which reminds me... Those of you who responded to my blog yesterday....I notice 3 of you want to come and TAKE from my dryer, including my own daughter, but my dear nephew wants to come and put money in. Guess who I'm going with....

Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be Great Day number 3.

PS. Do you think I will wear out my "." key?...

Great Day!!!

Hi Everyone:

Hey you loving and funny friends, I responded to your responses in my last post, just so you know.

Today was actually a great day for both of us. After a long talk last night and setting some self boundaries and stuff, I got up and studied God's word for about 4 hours. What a treat that is. Sometimes I feel like that move Yentle or whatever it was. I wish in life we could do whatever we wanted.

And Jim was feeling better today too. He has a better day or 2 every once in a while, and today it was it. He had a great prayer time, and he actually started to build shelves in our basement. He cut, measured and screwed 7 pieces of wood. And I helped. He said he worked 2.5 hours and most of it was sitting. Oh, he's in pain right now and tired as can be, but it made him feel soooooooooooo good to be able to do something manly around the house. Mark and I got the wood yesterday. I think we went through a 4 foot wide by 4 foot high stack of 2 X 4's.

Oh, and I found 11 DOLLARS IN THE DRYER as I folded clothes. Jim said it was his, despite there being no pants of his in the dryer. As I opened the dryer to fold a few more pieces, I then found another 20 DOLLARS. Yahoo. That's 31 dollars in the dryer. Then I kept opening and closing it, thinking maybe God had found a new way to multiply my money. LOL.

I was so excited to put the next load from the washer to the dryer. Maybe there was some in there, too. Ehhh, but I only found a quarter. But you know what....that felt good, too.

US

Hissy Fit's Over

Hi Everyone:

Okay. My hissy fit is over now. I'm on to new and improved hissy fitting situations.

When I first started walking with the Lord, my friend use to call my mentor and say, "emotionally Gloria is all over the place. She's saying she's never going to church any more, that she's angry with God, that I.... My mentor used to tell her. Relax. She's fussing. She says that, but what she does is more important, and she always ends up doing the right thing. And I did. But I always wanted to behave properly and then do the right thing. I just couldn't. I was like this pendulum swinging to and fro. fast forward 16 years, and I've finally FINALLY made some ground on this. Actually this whole thing with Jim was the catalyst that worked that out in me. (it's worked other things, too,) but my tongue is more tamed, and my thoughts more in line, and blah blah blah. BUT NOT 2 DAYS AGO. So....back up that slippery slope. :) I'm sure you forgive me. If you don't. Well, then....

:-P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh, look, I didn't it again. ;)

Well, no news yet on my sister's condition.

Jim's cold is doing okay. I think the supplements have really helped him to be able to handle the common cold.

This is funny. I visited my dad yesterday (today is not so funny. He ripped out his IV, they want to change his pysch meds, and we're fighting with them to not, and can't get in touch with social worker yada yada yada...but yesterday it was funny...) so, he's doing well, and I brought him some honeydew and watermellon, and he ate the whole container. Nice size, too. So, he takes his teeth out and hands them to me. I know what that means. So I clean them up. Then he wants something else to eat. So, I went to get him some jello, and he's trying to eat it with a fork, he gives me that look that says, "Give me a break." And says. "Meat." It was just so funny. So, I went and got him a burger and fries and he ate it all. This was an hour after lunch.
Anyway, we're looking into some home health nurse or hospice or something for my dad, because hospital stuff just isn't working at all. It will be better for my dad.

Today, I didn't go to the gym, so I told myself, when I don't go to the gym, I'm going to have to spring clean a room. So, here it is autumn, and I chose the bathroom, since it's the smallest room in the house. :) Well all I know is, the gym is easier. And what is it with supplies? Scrubbing bubbles, doesn't scrub. Mildew melter, doesn't melt. Mold off, doesn't off. Wall cleaner doesn't clean, window washer doesn't wash. chrome shiner doesn't shine... IT'S ALL ME...

Now, mind you, my bathroom wasn't all that bad, but it makes for more flavorful prose if I add some drama. (like I need more drama)

But here's the funny thing that I really feel and mean. If one person uses that bathroom, I'll scream. Don't wash your hands, used the toilet, shower or even look in the mirror....

That's what makes housework so horrible. You do the same thing for 20 some years and you have to redo it over and over and over again.

Well, thank you for your prayers.

I only know if you read this blog if you tell me that you do. I added a counter, but I lost the password many moons ago, and don't care or have the time to look and see, but thanks cause I know it means you still care.

Why am I up at 3:00 a.m.?

Because I'm still in @&%#@ shock, that's why.

We are home because the "holiday" weekend was horrible.

We decide to go garage sailing, but I knew Jim shouldn't have come because it's too hard, and so it's too hard, and I take him home, and he's sadder as heck that he can't do anything normal, and I'm sadder as heck cause he can't do anything normal, and later, we're picking on each other over the stupidest things.

And then Saturday as my sister and I drive to get milk, the pain she is having and not telling anyone about goes from a 6 to an 8 and guess where we end up????? THE HOSPITAL. I love my sister, and she knows it, and I would take her to the hospital every day if I had too, but who ever has to do that? So, it makes my life look like some, some...What? WHAT? what does it look like to you who read this? I would really like to know? Am I nuts, or is it really as insane as it feels?

So, anyway, after some tests and such, my sister has a few large cysts on her ovaries, and she needs surgery, and she's still in pain, so we left at noon today to drive home. Seems all I did was pack, drive to the cottage, unpack, drive to garage sales, back to cottage, drive to store, to hospital back to cottage, pack, drive home, unpack.

Yeah, so I get to Kim and Mark's house, run into their yard for a second, into the livingroom, and sister is on the phone. GUESS WHAT? My dad's in the hospital. So, guess where I'm going tomorrow? THE HOSPITAL.

Oh, yeah, and Jim's getting a cold. His throat hurts, he's starting to cough a bit. And now It's 3:09, and I still can't sleep because I'm soo damn sad, it's pathetic. (Will Jim end up at the hospital, too?) I'm at the point where I can't even think of anyone else anymore. I don't have the energy for it. I don't have the space for it, the heart, mind, WHAT???? for it. And yet I feel guilty as hell for not visiting Gerry in the hospital, and not going to see my nephew Owen in the hospital. But I swear I can't take the hospital anymore. I'm just ready to bust.

Swelling is up

Well, Jim's puffy again. So, we're pouring on the protein drinks. I forget why, but it could be low protein. Jim's also low on Vitamiin D, despite him taking 1000 a day. I guess being out of the sun for a year can do that to you. Anyway, the edema, we just don't get it.

We are going to the cottage for the weekend to get away and rest some. I will tell our story of the neighbors and such when we get home. Time just has a way of getting away from us, and I was unable to write about it.

Keep praying for us everyone. Have a blessed labor day.

(Rach, I know you said you were off the computer, but if you read this, I dropped you a line.)