Because I'm still in @&%#@ shock, that's why.
We are home because the "holiday" weekend was horrible.
We decide to go garage sailing, but I knew Jim shouldn't have come because it's too hard, and so it's too hard, and I take him home, and he's sadder as heck that he can't do anything normal, and I'm sadder as heck cause he can't do anything normal, and later, we're picking on each other over the stupidest things.
And then Saturday as my sister and I drive to get milk, the pain she is having and not telling anyone about goes from a 6 to an 8 and guess where we end up????? THE HOSPITAL. I love my sister, and she knows it, and I would take her to the hospital every day if I had too, but who ever has to do that? So, it makes my life look like some, some...What? WHAT? what does it look like to you who read this? I would really like to know? Am I nuts, or is it really as insane as it feels?
So, anyway, after some tests and such, my sister has a few large cysts on her ovaries, and she needs surgery, and she's still in pain, so we left at noon today to drive home. Seems all I did was pack, drive to the cottage, unpack, drive to garage sales, back to cottage, drive to store, to hospital back to cottage, pack, drive home, unpack.
Yeah, so I get to Kim and Mark's house, run into their yard for a second, into the livingroom, and sister is on the phone. GUESS WHAT? My dad's in the hospital. So, guess where I'm going tomorrow? THE HOSPITAL.
Oh, yeah, and Jim's getting a cold. His throat hurts, he's starting to cough a bit. And now It's 3:09, and I still can't sleep because I'm soo damn sad, it's pathetic. (Will Jim end up at the hospital, too?) I'm at the point where I can't even think of anyone else anymore. I don't have the energy for it. I don't have the space for it, the heart, mind, WHAT???? for it. And yet I feel guilty as hell for not visiting Gerry in the hospital, and not going to see my nephew Owen in the hospital. But I swear I can't take the hospital anymore. I'm just ready to bust.
5 comments:
I'm so sorry, Gloria...if you need to vent or talk about something besides hospitals, feel free to call.
Love you,
K
You asked, "What does it look like to you who read this." To me G, it looks like unmet expectations and a whole bunch of serious life life circumstances grouped together. Where does it say that there's "normal" life? What's normal to women in countries where they have to wear burkas; or where they are hit by a typhoon and lose their whole family or have to live in squallor? I mean, all around us, there is every-day "normal" tragedies and horrible tragedies and unexplainable tragedies - think about the girl that lived for 18 years in that pervert's backyard... that became "normal" to her. I think we kid ourselves when we think that bad stuff happens to other people. It could happen to any of us at any second. We have to push those thoughts out of our mind or else we would never set foot out the door.
We all wish we could say some magic prayer and make this madness go away for you, but obviously that just won't happen. I don't think you are nuts, you just feel like you are going nuts. It's the devil trio: expectation, perspective and control - trying to make you go nuts. Resist. Resist. Resist. You will be okay. Just breathe and let go of the guilt. Do what you can and let go mentally of the rest.
I'll bet that others reading your blog feel helpless to do anything other than pray for your situation. This life condition you and Jim find yourself in won't change, but I think God is in the process of changing you both for his Glory. I know that sounds churchy, but I can't think of any other reason he would allow this in your life, can you?
Love you and still praying
M.
I love you guys...
Mary
Hey, Maddy, my answer to your last question is.... "nope."
Hey, Maddy, would love to talk to you some time about epc trio. I know what you mean, but would like too expound on it. Particularly expectation. Now, I strive to have none. I have learned not to have expectations. But one does expect the chair to support them when one sits down in one. So... I would say I struggle most with Perception.
Which is your hardest.
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