I think we need to stay away from the NIH. It's doing weird things to both of us.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Good news/bad news
The good news is Jim is getting better. The bad news is stem cell stuff is weird science. We're not sure if he got the right cells after all.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Hello again
Hi Everyone:
Nice dream, Amy... It's kind of happening, sort of, in a way.
Often Jim says, "If it wasn't for the neuropathy pain, I would feel almost like my old self. And it's true. He's napping now, but he rarely naps. He's napping because he was up all night. (Prednisone will do that.)
Well, our last trip to the NIH was last week, and Jim's blood wasn't that great. His platelets had dropped and his neutrophils had, also. But this week, Jim's blood has rebounded on its own. It's now been OVER TWO WEEKS since I've given him a shot, and there is a very good chance that I will never have to give him another shop of neupogen if he continues on the same course. This is exciting because it feels sooooooooooooo normal. And, well, I hate giving those shots. I hate to cause him any pain. But it's so resembles "normal."
Jim's GVHD is doing well. He got bumped down on the Prednisone and he will get bumped down again until he is off. He still uses the cream daily, but it's looking good. I can't remember who saw him not too long ago, someone at church I think. They said, "Wow, you look good Jim, got some sun on your face and..." And Jim told him, not it's the GVHD, but really it just looks like a bit of sun. It's not itchy anymore and he hardly notices it.
Do you realize that Jim hasn't been sick, other than cancer in more than a year. Not even a cold. Amazing, when you think of it.
The bestest of all news is that we don't have to go the NIH for a month. That is very sweet. I really crashed this time I came home. I just don't get it. It's like my caretaking thing turns on for the trip there and all we have to do, then I come home, and it's ...crash. But I'm doing better today for the first time since we got home. Well, I did cry because I wish me and Jim had had babies, but that was after seeing Kristen's baby and her lovely family all snug as a bug in a rug. However, K, if that were my reality, I could still be crying, huh? ;)
Anyway, Jim is cooking and helping me around the house and it's all feeling very good and normal. We're bored and wanting to do some things that we can't do because of pain and he's still too week, but if he continues on cancer free, he will get stronger and be on less medicine and we are praying for a healing from the neuropathy and such and .....so what is wrong with me?
Am I afraid to hope in anything outside of heaven? I think so. Is it my powerlessness to let go in this not knowing? I think so. Is it fear that we will have to go through this all over again? I think so. BUT. Do I want to hope? DEFINATELY. Do I realize I am powerless over all of this and no one knows their future? DEFINATELY. Do I trust God more and more each day and know that he is good and ultimately no matter what happens, I am safe in my perfect Father's Hand? DEFINATELY....
So, what the heck is the problem folks? Geeze. "snap out of it Gloria." (I know I'm being hard on myself. I just want my "real" smile back."
Me, Jim, MaryJo and Joe playing bingo at Cherry City Firehall on saturday night for a quarter a game is hilarious, don't you think? And yet I was nervous? (and ticked, because I didn't win.) Anyway.
My friend K wrote this, and I think it's the best thing someone has said to me in quite some time: (emphasis in bold, mine.)
I think part of the issue is that your "all will be well" default has been broken too long. Most of us who haven't had to endure such hardships walk through life expecting "all to be well" even though we have no promise that it will. I expect Larry to NOT be in a car accident and come home to me tonight, I expect my baby to be born healthy, I expect my children to grow up without major diseases and live a life that God calls them to.... I have absolutely no reason to expect all this good in my life, but it's my default because the opposite would be to expect the worst in every scenario, and that would drain all the life from me. Unfortunately, your experiences for the past several years (and years before that, based on some of what you've alluded to) have caused your default to switch from "all will be well" to "now what horrible thing will happen". That has to be exhausting....that and the fact that you've been going on adrenaline for so long that now you're just tryiing to re-establish some kind of life...it's no wonder you feel drained, frustrated, and unhappy. I'm glad that you're still seeking the LORD and that He continues to be good to you....I will be praying that over time, He can reinstate in your heart that blessed default of "all will be well"....even if it only starts on a spiritual verses physical level...
Anyway, I really thought about that. And we do have that default.. We have this default belief that all will be well. I asked MaryJo about that on Saturday. We all expect to grow up, be healthy, get married, have wonderful children who are smart and healthy, and they marry wonderful people and we have grandkids and our husbands have good jobs and make decent money and blah blah blah. I know early on in the blog, I mentioned about me thinking I had paid my dues, having had enough bad things. I thought that was my first mistake. But truly, K, what you said, really makes me think. We do just go on expecting everything to be fine, and we have to or you almost couldn't survive life.
So, it will be interesting to see how God heals me. AND continues to heal Jim.
God Bless you
and me
Gloria
Nice dream, Amy... It's kind of happening, sort of, in a way.
Often Jim says, "If it wasn't for the neuropathy pain, I would feel almost like my old self. And it's true. He's napping now, but he rarely naps. He's napping because he was up all night. (Prednisone will do that.)
Well, our last trip to the NIH was last week, and Jim's blood wasn't that great. His platelets had dropped and his neutrophils had, also. But this week, Jim's blood has rebounded on its own. It's now been OVER TWO WEEKS since I've given him a shot, and there is a very good chance that I will never have to give him another shop of neupogen if he continues on the same course. This is exciting because it feels sooooooooooooo normal. And, well, I hate giving those shots. I hate to cause him any pain. But it's so resembles "normal."
Jim's GVHD is doing well. He got bumped down on the Prednisone and he will get bumped down again until he is off. He still uses the cream daily, but it's looking good. I can't remember who saw him not too long ago, someone at church I think. They said, "Wow, you look good Jim, got some sun on your face and..." And Jim told him, not it's the GVHD, but really it just looks like a bit of sun. It's not itchy anymore and he hardly notices it.
Do you realize that Jim hasn't been sick, other than cancer in more than a year. Not even a cold. Amazing, when you think of it.
The bestest of all news is that we don't have to go the NIH for a month. That is very sweet. I really crashed this time I came home. I just don't get it. It's like my caretaking thing turns on for the trip there and all we have to do, then I come home, and it's ...crash. But I'm doing better today for the first time since we got home. Well, I did cry because I wish me and Jim had had babies, but that was after seeing Kristen's baby and her lovely family all snug as a bug in a rug. However, K, if that were my reality, I could still be crying, huh? ;)
Anyway, Jim is cooking and helping me around the house and it's all feeling very good and normal. We're bored and wanting to do some things that we can't do because of pain and he's still too week, but if he continues on cancer free, he will get stronger and be on less medicine and we are praying for a healing from the neuropathy and such and .....so what is wrong with me?
Am I afraid to hope in anything outside of heaven? I think so. Is it my powerlessness to let go in this not knowing? I think so. Is it fear that we will have to go through this all over again? I think so. BUT. Do I want to hope? DEFINATELY. Do I realize I am powerless over all of this and no one knows their future? DEFINATELY. Do I trust God more and more each day and know that he is good and ultimately no matter what happens, I am safe in my perfect Father's Hand? DEFINATELY....
So, what the heck is the problem folks? Geeze. "snap out of it Gloria." (I know I'm being hard on myself. I just want my "real" smile back."
Me, Jim, MaryJo and Joe playing bingo at Cherry City Firehall on saturday night for a quarter a game is hilarious, don't you think? And yet I was nervous? (and ticked, because I didn't win.) Anyway.
My friend K wrote this, and I think it's the best thing someone has said to me in quite some time: (emphasis in bold, mine.)
I think part of the issue is that your "all will be well" default has been broken too long. Most of us who haven't had to endure such hardships walk through life expecting "all to be well" even though we have no promise that it will. I expect Larry to NOT be in a car accident and come home to me tonight, I expect my baby to be born healthy, I expect my children to grow up without major diseases and live a life that God calls them to.... I have absolutely no reason to expect all this good in my life, but it's my default because the opposite would be to expect the worst in every scenario, and that would drain all the life from me. Unfortunately, your experiences for the past several years (and years before that, based on some of what you've alluded to) have caused your default to switch from "all will be well" to "now what horrible thing will happen". That has to be exhausting....that and the fact that you've been going on adrenaline for so long that now you're just tryiing to re-establish some kind of life...it's no wonder you feel drained, frustrated, and unhappy. I'm glad that you're still seeking the LORD and that He continues to be good to you....I will be praying that over time, He can reinstate in your heart that blessed default of "all will be well"....even if it only starts on a spiritual verses physical level...
Anyway, I really thought about that. And we do have that default.. We have this default belief that all will be well. I asked MaryJo about that on Saturday. We all expect to grow up, be healthy, get married, have wonderful children who are smart and healthy, and they marry wonderful people and we have grandkids and our husbands have good jobs and make decent money and blah blah blah. I know early on in the blog, I mentioned about me thinking I had paid my dues, having had enough bad things. I thought that was my first mistake. But truly, K, what you said, really makes me think. We do just go on expecting everything to be fine, and we have to or you almost couldn't survive life.
So, it will be interesting to see how God heals me. AND continues to heal Jim.
God Bless you
and me
Gloria
Friday, July 24, 2009
Stressed to the MAX
We just got home from the NIH. I must have failed to post it on the blog. I have tons of calls to return, e-mails, kind things to say to people who blogged, and well to blog period, but it's not happening tonight.
So if you called and I didn't call you back, it's because went to the NIH and just got home. I'm beat.
So if you called and I didn't call you back, it's because went to the NIH and just got home. I'm beat.
Monday, July 20, 2009
seeing something
I think I am seeing something.
My heart is so broken for my husband. I watch him walk differently and see what the neuropathy is doing to him. I see the internal struggle he has that he can't do things for me around the house to releave my stress, and yet I see him enjoy doing things in the kitchen, happy to be alive. And yet, my heart just is broken for him.
On a sunny day, I am out in the yard gardening, and he stands on the porch under the awning hiding from the sun that can hurt him so badly, watching me with yearning on his face. I guess I will need to come to terms with this.
My first thought is, "I'm so glad that he's alive" and we fought hard. But then I think. "He could be dancing on streets paved in gold and not having to go through all this pain. He has suffered so much and continues to do so, and I feel guilty because I know he fought for me, and I'm glad he did. But now he has to pay for it.
As for me, hopefully someday soon, I will get more sleep at night. It's 1:45, and wondering what I'll be doing next.
My heart is so broken for my husband. I watch him walk differently and see what the neuropathy is doing to him. I see the internal struggle he has that he can't do things for me around the house to releave my stress, and yet I see him enjoy doing things in the kitchen, happy to be alive. And yet, my heart just is broken for him.
On a sunny day, I am out in the yard gardening, and he stands on the porch under the awning hiding from the sun that can hurt him so badly, watching me with yearning on his face. I guess I will need to come to terms with this.
My first thought is, "I'm so glad that he's alive" and we fought hard. But then I think. "He could be dancing on streets paved in gold and not having to go through all this pain. He has suffered so much and continues to do so, and I feel guilty because I know he fought for me, and I'm glad he did. But now he has to pay for it.
As for me, hopefully someday soon, I will get more sleep at night. It's 1:45, and wondering what I'll be doing next.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
rain
We're so glad it rained. My garden was so thirsty.
Jim continues to do well, blood wise. I have not had to give him a shot for low white blood cells in almost 2 weeks. He may not have to ever get another one. That is so very cool to consider. He is 1.5 units shy of normal red blood cells, that's a place he has not been in a 1.7 years. His total neutrophil count is normal, and so WE ARE HEADED TO CHURCH TOMORROW. YIPPEE. His platelets are a little lower, down in the 60's, but the doc doesn't think they will ever be normal.
The neuropathy continues to cause great pain, and he has something weird going on in his fingernails, probably from the neuropathy. He may actually lose his fingernails. This is all very sad for him. He is still on pain meds, and I want him to up them, because the pain from the neuropathy is so intense, but then that affects the bowels, so he won't do that and blah blah blah.
We are spending toooooo much money. I can't believe how much food and such has gone up. We haven't purchased many things for a very long time. Jim needs ALL NEW CLOTHES, cause he got skinny. I need ALL NEW CLOTHES, cause I got fat. I hadn't purchased either of us underwear, socks, shoes, bras...well, Jim--oh never mind. We needed clothes. :) It's amazing the things that we need and have not supplied. Like, batteries. I haven't purchased batteries in so long. We needed D's, C's, AAA, AA... I hadn't changed the batteries in the fire alarms. It's weird to be buying normal household things that you need to live. For instance...sugar and flour and butter. peanut butter. Well, you probably don't understand, but it's weird. And the projects around the house....sheesh. There are so many. Johnny started...oh forget it. I can't get into it. It causes me stress. :) However the gardens are looking good, as I have been enjoying them.
Well, I went to the head doc, and she said that she thinks I'm okay. She thinks that my reactions, response, etc. are very normal considering all the trauma I have been through. She said if I am still responding, reacting and feeling the same way that I feel now, 3 months from now, she'll consider the possibility that I have post traumatic stress disorder, but she would not make that call right now. I mean, I really respond negatively to stress, but she said that's normal. She also does not think I am depressed. I didn't think so either, but at certain times, it felt that way. So, needless to say, that's good news, and I remain med free...all except for that stupid synthroid pill. :)
I continue to discover great things about God. Maybe I should say, I continue to see how great God is. Despite this intense struggle and pain and fear of the unknown future and....I love discovering the truth about the goodness of God and his character. Nothing good ever comes easy, does it?
Jim continues to do well, blood wise. I have not had to give him a shot for low white blood cells in almost 2 weeks. He may not have to ever get another one. That is so very cool to consider. He is 1.5 units shy of normal red blood cells, that's a place he has not been in a 1.7 years. His total neutrophil count is normal, and so WE ARE HEADED TO CHURCH TOMORROW. YIPPEE. His platelets are a little lower, down in the 60's, but the doc doesn't think they will ever be normal.
The neuropathy continues to cause great pain, and he has something weird going on in his fingernails, probably from the neuropathy. He may actually lose his fingernails. This is all very sad for him. He is still on pain meds, and I want him to up them, because the pain from the neuropathy is so intense, but then that affects the bowels, so he won't do that and blah blah blah.
We are spending toooooo much money. I can't believe how much food and such has gone up. We haven't purchased many things for a very long time. Jim needs ALL NEW CLOTHES, cause he got skinny. I need ALL NEW CLOTHES, cause I got fat. I hadn't purchased either of us underwear, socks, shoes, bras...well, Jim--oh never mind. We needed clothes. :) It's amazing the things that we need and have not supplied. Like, batteries. I haven't purchased batteries in so long. We needed D's, C's, AAA, AA... I hadn't changed the batteries in the fire alarms. It's weird to be buying normal household things that you need to live. For instance...sugar and flour and butter. peanut butter. Well, you probably don't understand, but it's weird. And the projects around the house....sheesh. There are so many. Johnny started...oh forget it. I can't get into it. It causes me stress. :) However the gardens are looking good, as I have been enjoying them.
Well, I went to the head doc, and she said that she thinks I'm okay. She thinks that my reactions, response, etc. are very normal considering all the trauma I have been through. She said if I am still responding, reacting and feeling the same way that I feel now, 3 months from now, she'll consider the possibility that I have post traumatic stress disorder, but she would not make that call right now. I mean, I really respond negatively to stress, but she said that's normal. She also does not think I am depressed. I didn't think so either, but at certain times, it felt that way. So, needless to say, that's good news, and I remain med free...all except for that stupid synthroid pill. :)
I continue to discover great things about God. Maybe I should say, I continue to see how great God is. Despite this intense struggle and pain and fear of the unknown future and....I love discovering the truth about the goodness of God and his character. Nothing good ever comes easy, does it?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
summer
What beautiful weather we have been having. I have been really enjoying the yard.
Jim, unfortunately cannot be in the sun and feels like a prisoner to the house, but he is handling it very well. I know he misses fishing and walking and birding. He just loves the outdoors.
We have to go to the NIH in 2 weeks again. I really really REALLY struggle with this. It takes about 4 days for me to feel unfunked, and then before we know it, it's time to go again. They said that we can possibly start going once every month after that. So, we shall see.
Jim neuropathy continues to cause him a great deal of pain. Last night he had to take some breakthru pain meds it was hurting so bad. His chest was numb, and he even feared that he wouldn't be able to breathe. But he's breathing and here, so this is good. :)
I am doing a lot of praying and seeking God in this time, and his faithfulness to be there to listen to me and love me thru it is amazing.
I guess you've noticed I've slowed down a bit in my writing. I think I found that I was writing more for you, than for me, and while I love you, I have so many unmet needs, and me sitting here typing isn't getting them done.
My time is very limited because of all the responisibilities I have, so my phone time, e-mail time, and blog time is very limited. That doesn't mean we don't desire to have an ongoing ALIVE relationship with you, so feel free to write on the blog, drop an e-mail, plan a visit or call. But if we don't respond right away, it's only because we are...well, living. It's different, but it's life.
Here's HOW different it is.
Most of you know that Jim can sing and has a beautiful voice. But he has never sang in public. The Lord began a work in Jim more than 2 years ago, but alas sickness got in the way of some of the outward changes that began in Jim inward. But as he's getting more energy (And he really is....It's just the darn numbness robbing him now) I am seeing the outward changes that would have taken place. And here is one of them. And this is so funny.
My neice graduated and had a grad party that we went to on Sunday. (Sorry, Mike, but we got home late Friday night from the NIH, and had to unpack and Jim was too tired to make it to your party on Sat.) Anyway, my brother Bob and his wife Janice had a party for Marlaina, and we went. He sat in the shade, ate a nice meal, and WAS THE THIRD PERSON to get up and sing Karaoki. And it was in front of a motley crew if I ever saw one. Christians, fence riders, bikers, students from the performing art school, aunts, kids, cousins, and many unknowns. We were the last from my family to leave, and that's only because Jim was having too much fun Karaoking. Again, not only is this amazing considering Jim's past 2 years, but Jim's whole past life.
Anyway....Well, our pastor is on his way for a visit, and I'm sitting here in muddy gardening clothes, so I better run.
It was nice sharing something different with you.
Love us
Jim, unfortunately cannot be in the sun and feels like a prisoner to the house, but he is handling it very well. I know he misses fishing and walking and birding. He just loves the outdoors.
We have to go to the NIH in 2 weeks again. I really really REALLY struggle with this. It takes about 4 days for me to feel unfunked, and then before we know it, it's time to go again. They said that we can possibly start going once every month after that. So, we shall see.
Jim neuropathy continues to cause him a great deal of pain. Last night he had to take some breakthru pain meds it was hurting so bad. His chest was numb, and he even feared that he wouldn't be able to breathe. But he's breathing and here, so this is good. :)
I am doing a lot of praying and seeking God in this time, and his faithfulness to be there to listen to me and love me thru it is amazing.
I guess you've noticed I've slowed down a bit in my writing. I think I found that I was writing more for you, than for me, and while I love you, I have so many unmet needs, and me sitting here typing isn't getting them done.
My time is very limited because of all the responisibilities I have, so my phone time, e-mail time, and blog time is very limited. That doesn't mean we don't desire to have an ongoing ALIVE relationship with you, so feel free to write on the blog, drop an e-mail, plan a visit or call. But if we don't respond right away, it's only because we are...well, living. It's different, but it's life.
Here's HOW different it is.
Most of you know that Jim can sing and has a beautiful voice. But he has never sang in public. The Lord began a work in Jim more than 2 years ago, but alas sickness got in the way of some of the outward changes that began in Jim inward. But as he's getting more energy (And he really is....It's just the darn numbness robbing him now) I am seeing the outward changes that would have taken place. And here is one of them. And this is so funny.
My neice graduated and had a grad party that we went to on Sunday. (Sorry, Mike, but we got home late Friday night from the NIH, and had to unpack and Jim was too tired to make it to your party on Sat.) Anyway, my brother Bob and his wife Janice had a party for Marlaina, and we went. He sat in the shade, ate a nice meal, and WAS THE THIRD PERSON to get up and sing Karaoki. And it was in front of a motley crew if I ever saw one. Christians, fence riders, bikers, students from the performing art school, aunts, kids, cousins, and many unknowns. We were the last from my family to leave, and that's only because Jim was having too much fun Karaoking. Again, not only is this amazing considering Jim's past 2 years, but Jim's whole past life.
Anyway....Well, our pastor is on his way for a visit, and I'm sitting here in muddy gardening clothes, so I better run.
It was nice sharing something different with you.
Love us
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
NIH or Bust
Yeah, so we're on our way tomorrow, again, to the NIH. Jim's tooth will be pulled (we hope), and we have to find out something to do about his neuropathy.
Talked to 2 women who volunteer at the Bone Marrow Biopsy Foundation. They called and I talked with them. It feels really good to talk to someone else who understands. Neither of them had it as bad as I or their husbands as bad as Jim, but at least they get it.
The one lady said, it's like a building fell on you. There will be people in your life who will expect you to get up and brush the dust off. And that I shouldn't expect to get up and brush the dust off. I loved that. She had a nervous breakdown a year after her husbands stem cell transplant. I don't want to go there. What exactly is a nervous breakdown???? The other lady said that when her husband was finished and cancer free, that several people in her family tsked tsked her for not feeling happy that her husband was healed. She wasn't sad, but she wasn't elated either. I told her I can relate with that, and she said that every care giver that she has ever talked to melted down once the patient was cancer free. I guess that makes sense.
Tonight it was weird. Jim and I were sitting on the porch and Jim's feet were purple. He got up and walked away, and the purple when away. I layed hands on him and prayed for a healing.
Oh, Jim's hair is getting curly in the back. He now has brown wavy hair.
Anyways, I hate that I have to drive down there again. sigh. Pray for our safety.
Us.
Talked to 2 women who volunteer at the Bone Marrow Biopsy Foundation. They called and I talked with them. It feels really good to talk to someone else who understands. Neither of them had it as bad as I or their husbands as bad as Jim, but at least they get it.
The one lady said, it's like a building fell on you. There will be people in your life who will expect you to get up and brush the dust off. And that I shouldn't expect to get up and brush the dust off. I loved that. She had a nervous breakdown a year after her husbands stem cell transplant. I don't want to go there. What exactly is a nervous breakdown???? The other lady said that when her husband was finished and cancer free, that several people in her family tsked tsked her for not feeling happy that her husband was healed. She wasn't sad, but she wasn't elated either. I told her I can relate with that, and she said that every care giver that she has ever talked to melted down once the patient was cancer free. I guess that makes sense.
Tonight it was weird. Jim and I were sitting on the porch and Jim's feet were purple. He got up and walked away, and the purple when away. I layed hands on him and prayed for a healing.
Oh, Jim's hair is getting curly in the back. He now has brown wavy hair.
Anyways, I hate that I have to drive down there again. sigh. Pray for our safety.
Us.
pics of 4th
Well, we had a nice 4th of July impromptu party.
Jim did a bit too much, and our first trip back to church had to be delayed, but it was a very VERY nice 4th of July for us.
Here's Jim's famous Ribs. Yum Yum.
Here's the proud winner of our American History Trivia Contest. Brother Joe.
(As for Dominoes, Joe, Kim wants a rematch. Us, too.)
Here he is again, with his proud beautiful wife, Mary Jo. (Okay Joe. You can put your A+ down.)
Some nice talking in the kitchen.
Of course, here are the lovelys hosts. I took this pic. Sorry, Jim.
Of course, here are our perennials faves.
Here's some very dear friends, Larry, Kristen, Beth & Daniel. And Matthew Joe. Guess where he is. They came for lightening bugs and fireworks.
Honey Bee and her mom came up at night to see the fireworks and to tickle Larry.
But first she stopped at the icecream parlow for a cone and a dish of icecream. She's eating for 2, also.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww, Awwwwwwwwwwww
It's funny. When I lived in the City of Pittsburgh on Haslage and had a beautiful view of the City, there were fireworks all the time. Everyone would come to see them. Funny that once again, we can view fireworks from our home. Judi, next year, bring the little ones here, it's much kinder.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Happy 4th of July
Now this is a glimpse of heaven here. For those readers who don't know her. She's my HONEY BEE. She's my great niece. She calls me "scoopin honey" cause when I see her, I sing. "IIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm scooping up my baby HONEY BEE. Then I run and scoop her up to kiss that face. She's so much fun. She probably thinks I'm nuts.
Is this a glimpse of my grandchildren? My mother had flame red hair and most of the grandkids have a touch of the red hair to being fully red. But the great grandchildren are flamers. :)
Anyway, Happy 4th of July.
I need to start 20 blogs. Not that I would have the time to write on them. But I need Jim's jabberings, which have turned into my jabberings. I need one entitled "My musings" "It's NIH or bust" "The saga of the lawn ornament lady" Etc... But I'll just toss it all in here.
Jim is doing soooooooooooooo well. It's unbelievable. Every day he gets stronger and stronger and stronger. He says that if it wasn't for the neuropathy.... Yesterday he made me my fave cookies, biscotti. He's just doing very well. And he's very happy. And he's praying for me. I would love to take him to Minnesota or whereever he wants to go, but it is all very early. He's just jumping at the bit, a bit. Jim is talking about Disney and birding and is excited to see people and go to church, etc. All of that makes causes me to have tremors. I understand why he's excited. He's living. HE'S ALIVE!!! I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so afraid. I feel like isolating for the rest of my life. My thinking is all messed up. I'm beat. I'm afraid to hope. I know ultimately our hope is in God alone. And yet it's so very normal to want our kids to live, our husbands to live and to be in ministry, etc. Yet, I'm too afraid to hope that Jim will, that I'll ever see my grandkids and have a relationship with them, that I'll be okay, that I'll serve the Lord some day in a way that doesn't involve illnesses. It's all very irrational I suppose, but it's where I"m at.
The yard ornament lady is causing grief. I actually like her. She's very nice. I would love to get to know her so that I could tell her about Jesus. She lives with her boyfriend, but her windowsill is covered with St. Joseph and Mary statues. She needs me. :) BUT. The forsythias she cut down has caused even a bigger problem. Not only does it look like crap, but now their fires that they have 2 or 3 times a week....the shrubs don't block the smoke and flows....right into our bedroom. Jim didn't get to sleep until 4 a.m. We had to bring the air filte from downstairs upstairs just so we could breathe. Thank the Lord we didn't need the AC because we have window AC in our window and we wouldn't have been able to turn it on. I don't know what to do. I can hear them more, which is fine, but they drop the F bomb one too many time or turn up Led Zepplin, I might be tempted to fly threw those standing sticks of what used to be forsythias and.....now now now...I wouldn't do that. I'll probably just sit her and cry. It's what I do now.
Yesterday I was listening a bit to "drive thru history", and they sure make me wish we were celebrating the birthday of the United States that this country was supposed to be.
Check them out. It's great stuff. http://www.drivethruhistory.com/ I think I'm going to order the American series. All I ever learned about history in school was how to make the Peechee folder stand up so that I could sleep behind it.
Remember Peechee folders?
Talk to you later.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
rumblings
Before I begin, allow me to state 2 things.
1. I know some of you readers have some very tough things to go through as well.
2. I know that there are many people in the world that have it far worse off than I do.
I just wanted to mention that because those facts often doesn't leave my mind as I bellyache. I just wanted you to know that; otherwise all of this can sound like a "woe is me, I have it the worse in the world" kind of thing. I know that's not true. Yet, I need to vent.
What I also know is that we, us, them...none of us were made for the fallen parts of this world, of our lives, but as God uses this broken down world and broen down vessel, we are transformed, and sometimes the others are, through us. But I digress. Allow me to B I T _ _.
Well, first, Jim is at the doctors. Yep, drove himself. I hope he's okay. Not sure if he should be driving on methadone, but I was recovering from a "nervous breakdown" from yestereday and found myself in bed at 12:00 noon playing Plants versus Zombies. Real mature, huh?
Long story short (LSS). We have water problems in the basement that we are trying to address. We rented a machine that would scrape the paint off the cement basement. LLS, it took 3 times longer than expected, 3 times messier, and LLS, I just don't want to do men's work anymore. Mark helped us for 10 hours. We all had masks on. Jim wouldn't go upstairs away from the mess...Oh, it was a mess. So, I cried all night. And Jim is supposed to be in a stress-free environment. That is best for his GVHD. But we have to get the mold, or that will get him. Blah Blah Blah.
And, last but not least. My new neighbors who moved in a year ago, have decided to cut down the large hedge of forsythia that separated us. It's almost all gone. I've been telling the Lord for 2 years, not my will, but yours, God. So, does this include the new neighbord? Couldn't I have a break? Couldn't it involve the neighbor on the right? Didn't I move away from the City? Here's the problem. I call her "the lawn ornament queen." Yep. Now, I get to see her 20 little flags all over the yard. Her plastic table and chairs. her silk flowers in flower pots that bloom all winter. Her fake Christmas trees that she has in the yard like they are real. Her dressed up goose. Her plastic signs. Her whirligigs (well, I like whirlygigs..1 or 2)Her...Oh, I'm sure there is a flamingo in there somewhere. They have fires every weekend, which blow our way (I like the smell, but it's not good for Jim, so he's in the bedroom with the air filters.) And last but not leave, I can now more clearly hear Journey, Pat Benitar, Kansas, Rolling Stones, and every other song from an era that I would rather forget, thank you. I guess me and Jim will NOT be skinnydipping until we get a fence.
But let me guess, to get one will require me WORKING LIKE A MAN AGAIN, or....12 thousand dollars...just like the air conditioner, the new furnace, the driveway repair, the step repairs. Why is everything 12 thousand dollars? I need about 5-12 thousands dollars.
Well, Jim is home. But he's sitting in the truck. He's probably tired. He read something about this vitamin stuff that can help with neuropathy, and we bought some online. I hope we didn't get taken again, with another cure all.
Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go do something christiany now, like smile at the neighbor and her plastic duck.
:)
1. I know some of you readers have some very tough things to go through as well.
2. I know that there are many people in the world that have it far worse off than I do.
I just wanted to mention that because those facts often doesn't leave my mind as I bellyache. I just wanted you to know that; otherwise all of this can sound like a "woe is me, I have it the worse in the world" kind of thing. I know that's not true. Yet, I need to vent.
What I also know is that we, us, them...none of us were made for the fallen parts of this world, of our lives, but as God uses this broken down world and broen down vessel, we are transformed, and sometimes the others are, through us. But I digress. Allow me to B I T _ _.
Well, first, Jim is at the doctors. Yep, drove himself. I hope he's okay. Not sure if he should be driving on methadone, but I was recovering from a "nervous breakdown" from yestereday and found myself in bed at 12:00 noon playing Plants versus Zombies. Real mature, huh?
Long story short (LSS). We have water problems in the basement that we are trying to address. We rented a machine that would scrape the paint off the cement basement. LLS, it took 3 times longer than expected, 3 times messier, and LLS, I just don't want to do men's work anymore. Mark helped us for 10 hours. We all had masks on. Jim wouldn't go upstairs away from the mess...Oh, it was a mess. So, I cried all night. And Jim is supposed to be in a stress-free environment. That is best for his GVHD. But we have to get the mold, or that will get him. Blah Blah Blah.
And, last but not least. My new neighbors who moved in a year ago, have decided to cut down the large hedge of forsythia that separated us. It's almost all gone. I've been telling the Lord for 2 years, not my will, but yours, God. So, does this include the new neighbord? Couldn't I have a break? Couldn't it involve the neighbor on the right? Didn't I move away from the City? Here's the problem. I call her "the lawn ornament queen." Yep. Now, I get to see her 20 little flags all over the yard. Her plastic table and chairs. her silk flowers in flower pots that bloom all winter. Her fake Christmas trees that she has in the yard like they are real. Her dressed up goose. Her plastic signs. Her whirligigs (well, I like whirlygigs..1 or 2)Her...Oh, I'm sure there is a flamingo in there somewhere. They have fires every weekend, which blow our way (I like the smell, but it's not good for Jim, so he's in the bedroom with the air filters.) And last but not leave, I can now more clearly hear Journey, Pat Benitar, Kansas, Rolling Stones, and every other song from an era that I would rather forget, thank you. I guess me and Jim will NOT be skinnydipping until we get a fence.
But let me guess, to get one will require me WORKING LIKE A MAN AGAIN, or....12 thousand dollars...just like the air conditioner, the new furnace, the driveway repair, the step repairs. Why is everything 12 thousand dollars? I need about 5-12 thousands dollars.
Well, Jim is home. But he's sitting in the truck. He's probably tired. He read something about this vitamin stuff that can help with neuropathy, and we bought some online. I hope we didn't get taken again, with another cure all.
Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go do something christiany now, like smile at the neighbor and her plastic duck.
:)
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