Hello again

Hi Everyone:

Nice dream, Amy... It's kind of happening, sort of, in a way.

Often Jim says, "If it wasn't for the neuropathy pain, I would feel almost like my old self. And it's true. He's napping now, but he rarely naps. He's napping because he was up all night. (Prednisone will do that.)

Well, our last trip to the NIH was last week, and Jim's blood wasn't that great. His platelets had dropped and his neutrophils had, also. But this week, Jim's blood has rebounded on its own. It's now been OVER TWO WEEKS since I've given him a shot, and there is a very good chance that I will never have to give him another shop of neupogen if he continues on the same course. This is exciting because it feels sooooooooooooo normal. And, well, I hate giving those shots. I hate to cause him any pain. But it's so resembles "normal."

Jim's GVHD is doing well. He got bumped down on the Prednisone and he will get bumped down again until he is off. He still uses the cream daily, but it's looking good. I can't remember who saw him not too long ago, someone at church I think. They said, "Wow, you look good Jim, got some sun on your face and..." And Jim told him, not it's the GVHD, but really it just looks like a bit of sun. It's not itchy anymore and he hardly notices it.

Do you realize that Jim hasn't been sick, other than cancer in more than a year. Not even a cold. Amazing, when you think of it.

The bestest of all news is that we don't have to go the NIH for a month. That is very sweet. I really crashed this time I came home. I just don't get it. It's like my caretaking thing turns on for the trip there and all we have to do, then I come home, and it's ...crash. But I'm doing better today for the first time since we got home. Well, I did cry because I wish me and Jim had had babies, but that was after seeing Kristen's baby and her lovely family all snug as a bug in a rug. However, K, if that were my reality, I could still be crying, huh? ;)

Anyway, Jim is cooking and helping me around the house and it's all feeling very good and normal. We're bored and wanting to do some things that we can't do because of pain and he's still too week, but if he continues on cancer free, he will get stronger and be on less medicine and we are praying for a healing from the neuropathy and such and .....so what is wrong with me?

Am I afraid to hope in anything outside of heaven? I think so. Is it my powerlessness to let go in this not knowing? I think so. Is it fear that we will have to go through this all over again? I think so. BUT. Do I want to hope? DEFINATELY. Do I realize I am powerless over all of this and no one knows their future? DEFINATELY. Do I trust God more and more each day and know that he is good and ultimately no matter what happens, I am safe in my perfect Father's Hand? DEFINATELY....

So, what the heck is the problem folks? Geeze. "snap out of it Gloria." (I know I'm being hard on myself. I just want my "real" smile back."

Me, Jim, MaryJo and Joe playing bingo at Cherry City Firehall on saturday night for a quarter a game is hilarious, don't you think? And yet I was nervous? (and ticked, because I didn't win.) Anyway.

My friend K wrote this, and I think it's the best thing someone has said to me in quite some time: (emphasis in bold, mine.)

I think part of the issue is that your "all will be well" default has been broken too long. Most of us who haven't had to endure such hardships walk through life expecting "all to be well" even though we have no promise that it will. I expect Larry to NOT be in a car accident and come home to me tonight, I expect my baby to be born healthy, I expect my children to grow up without major diseases and live a life that God calls them to.... I have absolutely no reason to expect all this good in my life, but it's my default because the opposite would be to expect the worst in every scenario, and that would drain all the life from me. Unfortunately, your experiences for the past several years (and years before that, based on some of what you've alluded to) have caused your default to switch from "all will be well" to "now what horrible thing will happen". That has to be exhausting....that and the fact that you've been going on adrenaline for so long that now you're just tryiing to re-establish some kind of life...it's no wonder you feel drained, frustrated, and unhappy. I'm glad that you're still seeking the LORD and that He continues to be good to you....I will be praying that over time, He can reinstate in your heart that blessed default of "all will be well"....even if it only starts on a spiritual verses physical level...

Anyway, I really thought about that. And we do have that default.. We have this default belief that all will be well. I asked MaryJo about that on Saturday. We all expect to grow up, be healthy, get married, have wonderful children who are smart and healthy, and they marry wonderful people and we have grandkids and our husbands have good jobs and make decent money and blah blah blah. I know early on in the blog, I mentioned about me thinking I had paid my dues, having had enough bad things. I thought that was my first mistake. But truly, K, what you said, really makes me think. We do just go on expecting everything to be fine, and we have to or you almost couldn't survive life.

So, it will be interesting to see how God heals me. AND continues to heal Jim.

God Bless you
and me
Gloria