feelings....woe woe woe, feelings.

Hi Everyone:

So in that song "feelings," is it "woe woe woe" as in the woe we feel in regards to feelings, or is it "whoa whoa whoa" as in stop stop stop the feelings?


THE PRESENT:

As the days continue, it's looking more and more like Jim's cancer is back. He has more swollen lymph nodes than he originally told me over the phone. He is back on pain medicine. We talked with the oncologist and in the next few days, they will try to get him another PET scan. Please pray that this isn't a major loop hole to jump through like the first one was. Jim's next round of chemo involves 5 days straight of chemo while in the hospital, and who knows how many series of that, and his chances are 40 percent. That he didn't make it through when he had 80 percent chance of recovery, doesn't give me much hope that he'll do well with only 40 percent.


THE FUTURE:

I'm terrified. I know that sounds like I'm not trusting God, but I am. He is my all in all. That doesn't mean I like the things that he allows in my life, and the idea of life without Jim is breaking my heart. And I beg God...I have been begging Him. Please don't take my Jimmy away from me. I guess I'm chewing food that I may not need to swallow, but I don't feel good about this, and I'm terrified. I know they are just feelings. "whoa woe, whoa woe, whoa woe feelings."


THE PAST:

It's the PAST that makes the FUTURE terrifying, and the PRESENT that makes the PAST painful. I hope I didn't just Edith Bunker you, but I bet I did. Allow me to explain.

Look at the picture up top. How do you have a memory like that and not pass that icecream shop on the way to the cottage and not want to die? How would I go to the cottage that he built with his own hands and be able to stand it? How would I hear a wood thrush and not die another death? Could I ever ride that golf cart down the logging road? The thought of it is like adultary. I can't even think of it, let alone do it. What about his piano, his guitar, his fingers, his voice? My church never got to hear Jim's voice. Oh brothers and sister's, it's rich, and it's beautiful, and I could slap myself for the times I wanted him to stop singing.

The cup Jim is holding is so that if the icecream would topple he could topple it over into the cup so he wouldn't lose any of the icecream. We laughed like crazy at the size of the those icecream cones. That icecream cone picture holds more memories than a week long vacation, because of its simplicity. What a wonderful memory it is when you can share it with the one you made it with. Right now, however, it is robbing me of oxygen because I can't imagine life without him.

So one might think. "Yeah it would be hard, but billions have survived it," Yeah, but this is about me and my Jumbo. And I don't want him to die.

Trusting in Him still

Gloria

more than one

Hi Everyone:

It's more than 1 lymph node. Exact words "moderate lymphadenopathy." I sure hope it's in regards to some type of infection they have not yet found. Jim's new oncologist says it could be a recurrence of cancer, but won't answer questions about what that means for treatment because he said that other things are not ruled out yet. I didn't like that approach at first, as I like to be a bit prepared, but on second thought, why chew something that I may not have to swallow. Wow. I like that. I never heard of that, but I'm sure I didn't make it up. "why chew something that I may not have to swallow."

Anyway, the new doc is looking and comparing the past 3 ct scans, is suggesting another PET scan, and is having a ....I can't think of the name....a "infectious disease"team look into the possibilities of some type of a hidden infection.

For today, I chose to wear a "garment of praise" rather than the "spirit of despair."
Thanks for your prayers, love and support.
Gloria

???

Well here's the scoop.

Jim's CT scan shows a swollen kidney and a swollen lymph node. Could be a kidney infection, despite it not showing in the blood, or it could be that cancer is back. We just don't know at this time. His temp continues to rise to 103, and he's been on 3 antibiotics. One of them for 6 days....

It sure is scary to think of life without my Jumbo.

Gloria

Chocolate cake with pepto bismol icing

Hi everyone:

Sorry for not blogging or not calling, but life has been crazy again.

Since Jim's 5th chemo on May 5th, he's been sick every single day with one thing or another. At first it was the ordinary chemo stuff, but then he started getting a fever, and it never went away and then it just got worse. And he's having pain again. I'll save you the LONG STORY as to why we are changing Oncologists even though he has only 1 chemo treatment left. Suffice it so say that they were the pitts. Anyway, about chocolate cake with pepto bismol icing...

That's what yesterday was like. First of all, there is nothing like being a Baldauff. I discover that more and more and more as I experience the love of this family. Our gutters were not working and we had a leak in the roof and other issues, and this was the year Jim was going to repair some things, but alas got sick. So, Bill decided we needed a new roof, (and we did) so 20 or so Baldauffs and brides (and a few non-Baldauffs) converged on our lawn yesterday with ladders, tools and shingles, and put us up a new roof. I will blog about that later and include some pictures. ( I love you guys so much. It was just unbelievable....) The day was like chocolate cake to a dieting woman with PMS. The pepto bismol icing is that after 21 days of Jim being sick, he's back in the hospital and we don't know what is wrong with him...but they are looking, including the possibility that his cancer is back. (small chance, but still scary)

Also, Jim's pay is cut in half now, and a small check that I collect an early pension from (long story) is likely to be stopped. Got that by certified mail yesterday while the roof was going up, and we were on the phone with our PCP about Jim going to the hospital again.

Could you all please pray for us. We are pressed in, tired, lonely, gonna be broke, in pain, etc. We still have our game face, but we are just so tired. Jim said he would rather die than this continue. He doesn't want to die, but he's been through so much.

So, I'm going to visit him and bring him some of the lasagna we made for yesterday. We didn't get to enjoy the fellowship of all of our wonderful family, and I feel so robbed of that.

I picked up shingle pieces, nails, staples, etc. and squirted and swept, etc. debris all day, and I'm beat. They did pretty a very good job cleaning up, and tiptoeing through the tulips. So, my flowers and gardens are looking good, still, and I thank God for his beauty and ask for his mercy. "Tired" is the only word that comes to mind. And Pepto Bismol. I know this stuff in life is for our good (like Pepto Bismol) but who wants it???

Awwwwwww, but that chocolate cake was delicious. Thanks my wonderful family.

Gloria

"My trials"...oh pleeze

Hi Everyone:

I just read my last post and laughed at my self. How this bowl of "spaghetti" changes daily is amazing to me. There are many times I would love to "feel" like a "waffle." (for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll e-mail you if want to know.)

Anyway, I used the words, "My trials" in my last post and I either crack up laughing, or tsk tsk myself with shame, depending on how hard I am being on myself, when I think of it. Why? Well, in light of some of the stories that I read on "Voice of the Martyrs" my trials are well, um...pathetic? Well, they are, and they aren't. Someone else's pain never seemed to take mine away. Theirs might put mine into perspective...for a minute or two, but before I know it, it's all about me again. My options are to then again tsk tsk myself, again, or laugh at my humanity again. It's a big vicious circle. Like a dog chasing his tail...sort of. The difference is I am actually getting somewhere. When the big vicious circle of tail chasing is over, I may collapse all worn out, like my ole' dog Ruby, but I'm not in the same place that I was when it started. Where do I end up? Oh, just a little bit "more worthy of my calling" and "counted a bit more worthy of the kingdom of God." (2 Thess)

But if I take my pulse, and it's still beating...I know my thoughts and actions will always tend to want to go back to................ME.

So, enough about me. Let's talk about you. So, what do you think about me? (Fave passage from movie Beaches, even though I don't like that movie. I just always remembered that narcissistic quote. Wonder why???)

Actually, let's talk about Jim.

He's having a very hard time after this last chemo. I think it's a combo of him getting the chemo right after he was in the hospital for 8 days with bronchitis, and his weakened condition, and just the fact that each chemo is taking a toll on his body.

He's had a temperature almost every day. His white blood cell counts were the lowest ever. His hands and feet are more numb and shaking. He has more chills (now he knows how the spaghetti half live) and can't seem to get warm. And he's fighting for strength by pushing himself, but he doesn't get very far.

He has 1 more treatment left. He's not even certain he can get all of the 4 drugs that are part of that treatment because the numbness in his hands and feet can be permanent. Yet does he risk the chance that by not taking that one drug, his cancer's remission could be short circuited?
Anyway, continue to pray for him. We can't wait for this to be over. "Lord, let this be over."

Still trusting Him
Gloria

Don't worry...Be prayin'

Hi my beloved friends, family, brothers and sisters, and who knows, maybe someone who just ran into this.

We are fine. My lack of words lately and my sarcastic replies and such are well...as most of you know, are me, when in the frying pan.

I just don't have much to say. I know God is good. I know that he's crucifying my flesh. I know the trials and discipline are for my good and His glory. I know he won't forsake me. I know even Jesus had to learn through suffering. I know who I am in Him. I know I know I know. I also feel feel feel. So, in light of my feelings and my knowings, what does one say but "don't worry, be prayin'"

I know that these temporal trials "yes, 47 years is temporary, lol" cannot even come close to the glory that will be revealed in us some day. And that glory will last forever, where trials won't.

I also know that in the midst of trails...life.. that God is whispering a love song to my soul, and if I could just shut up the angry flesh of self, selfishness, the world, etc., I might be able to listen, and who knows, even sing along.

I'm okay. I'm just isolating so I don't have to repeat the lies in my heart. And repeating the truth, while it may be a good thing to do to get it deeper and deeper within me, who wants to hear it and watch while Gloria has a mini temper tantrum? I don't even want to be around. LOL. (But pray for Jim. He can't escape me, poor fellow. I was impatient with him for playing a game too slow yesterday. One day after chemo. He was as graceful as usual...or scared. :) just kidding. (shut up hon)

So, don't worry, be prayin'

Stompin'
Gloria

#5

Jim had his 5th treatment today.

mmm

Yesterday it was lasagna. Today it was chocolate chip cookies. My baldy sure can cook.

Yesterday, Mark and Kim helped during the day, and played Catan at night. Even Jim was able to play.

Jim's not sleeping well because of his coughing. Pray that he can get his 5th treatment this coming Monday. We would hate for him to miss it.....(wow, that's hard to say and realize) He had his CT scan this Monday, so we won't know anything until his doctor visit next Monday. I'll be sure to fill you all in.

Last but not least, thank you to a very special friend for blessing us tremendously, and Tom, Jim knows exactly when the helgies will be under the rocks, and he knows which rocks produce the best ones. How about that.

Trusting Him still...always will
J & G