Hi Everyone:
So in that song "feelings," is it "woe woe woe" as in the woe we feel in regards to feelings, or is it "whoa whoa whoa" as in stop stop stop the feelings?
THE PRESENT:
As the days continue, it's looking more and more like Jim's cancer is back. He has more swollen lymph nodes than he originally told me over the phone. He is back on pain medicine. We talked with the oncologist and in the next few days, they will try to get him another PET scan. Please pray that this isn't a major loop hole to jump through like the first one was. Jim's next round of chemo involves 5 days straight of chemo while in the hospital, and who knows how many series of that, and his chances are 40 percent. That he didn't make it through when he had 80 percent chance of recovery, doesn't give me much hope that he'll do well with only 40 percent.
THE FUTURE:
I'm terrified. I know that sounds like I'm not trusting God, but I am. He is my all in all. That doesn't mean I like the things that he allows in my life, and the idea of life without Jim is breaking my heart. And I beg God...I have been begging Him. Please don't take my Jimmy away from me. I guess I'm chewing food that I may not need to swallow, but I don't feel good about this, and I'm terrified. I know they are just feelings. "whoa woe, whoa woe, whoa woe feelings."
THE PAST:
It's the PAST that makes the FUTURE terrifying, and the PRESENT that makes the PAST painful. I hope I didn't just Edith Bunker you, but I bet I did. Allow me to explain.
Look at the picture up top. How do you have a memory like that and not pass that icecream shop on the way to the cottage and not want to die? How would I go to the cottage that he built with his own hands and be able to stand it? How would I hear a wood thrush and not die another death? Could I ever ride that golf cart down the logging road? The thought of it is like adultary. I can't even think of it, let alone do it. What about his piano, his guitar, his fingers, his voice? My church never got to hear Jim's voice. Oh brothers and sister's, it's rich, and it's beautiful, and I could slap myself for the times I wanted him to stop singing.
So in that song "feelings," is it "woe woe woe" as in the woe we feel in regards to feelings, or is it "whoa whoa whoa" as in stop stop stop the feelings?
THE PRESENT:
As the days continue, it's looking more and more like Jim's cancer is back. He has more swollen lymph nodes than he originally told me over the phone. He is back on pain medicine. We talked with the oncologist and in the next few days, they will try to get him another PET scan. Please pray that this isn't a major loop hole to jump through like the first one was. Jim's next round of chemo involves 5 days straight of chemo while in the hospital, and who knows how many series of that, and his chances are 40 percent. That he didn't make it through when he had 80 percent chance of recovery, doesn't give me much hope that he'll do well with only 40 percent.
THE FUTURE:
I'm terrified. I know that sounds like I'm not trusting God, but I am. He is my all in all. That doesn't mean I like the things that he allows in my life, and the idea of life without Jim is breaking my heart. And I beg God...I have been begging Him. Please don't take my Jimmy away from me. I guess I'm chewing food that I may not need to swallow, but I don't feel good about this, and I'm terrified. I know they are just feelings. "whoa woe, whoa woe, whoa woe feelings."
THE PAST:
It's the PAST that makes the FUTURE terrifying, and the PRESENT that makes the PAST painful. I hope I didn't just Edith Bunker you, but I bet I did. Allow me to explain.
Look at the picture up top. How do you have a memory like that and not pass that icecream shop on the way to the cottage and not want to die? How would I go to the cottage that he built with his own hands and be able to stand it? How would I hear a wood thrush and not die another death? Could I ever ride that golf cart down the logging road? The thought of it is like adultary. I can't even think of it, let alone do it. What about his piano, his guitar, his fingers, his voice? My church never got to hear Jim's voice. Oh brothers and sister's, it's rich, and it's beautiful, and I could slap myself for the times I wanted him to stop singing.
The cup Jim is holding is so that if the icecream would topple he could topple it over into the cup so he wouldn't lose any of the icecream. We laughed like crazy at the size of the those icecream cones. That icecream cone picture holds more memories than a week long vacation, because of its simplicity. What a wonderful memory it is when you can share it with the one you made it with. Right now, however, it is robbing me of oxygen because I can't imagine life without him.
So one might think. "Yeah it would be hard, but billions have survived it," Yeah, but this is about me and my Jumbo. And I don't want him to die.
Trusting in Him still
Gloria
6 comments:
SISTER,oh forget it I'm usless now. I heard wood thrush at Mary Janes this morning first thought Jim. Now thats 2 thrushes this month one up your house and MJ's. Their just gonna come here till WE ALL can get up there and hear them.
SISTER, oh thats all I can say is SISTER. I love you both and I'm praying HARD and crying harder so back to praying.
Dearest Friend,
I read your heartfelt and honest post. Thank you for sharing so deeply.
I do not think you have a lack of faith. Look at how Jesus wept in the garden. Jesus never rebuked someone for sorrow. The only time he told people that they had little faith is when he had previously told them the outcome and they still didn't believe what he said!
When Jesus and the disciples got in the boat, Jesus said, "We are going to the other side!" End of story! When the storm raged all around them the disciples thought they would all die. Jesus corrected them for their lack of faith. The reason wasn't their fear but because they didn't believe what he had said to them. If Jesus says "we're gonna cross this raging lake" then you better believe you will get to the other side without drowning. But Jesus never yelled at Mary and Martha for mourning over Lazareth's death! Jesus never told anyone that they had little faith if he hadn't given them a clear promise.
This is where you and Jim are. As far as I know you haven't heard a clear promise from God that Jim will live. We cannot presume upon God but only stand upon the things he has clearly spoken to us in our hearts as a promise from scripture or from the still small voice of his spirit. It is not wrong of you to be sorrowful and have uncertain emotions regarding the future. This is very normal given the grave situation that you and Jim find yourself.
Of course we pray healing for Jim. But we also pray that the Holy Spirit is poured upon you both in such an incredible way that will carry you both as God leads you on the path that he has for your life.
We love you dearly!
Rachel and family
Hi Rach:
I don't know what I said I thought I had lack of faith...and I don't have the guts to re-read the whole post again and have to feel it all over again. I'm tired from being at the hospital all day. I did read up to where I said it sounds like I'm not trusting God. Is that what you meant by lack of faith? I don't know. I guess I feel that being terrified (not sad) is not trusting God because he does tell us to fear not. But either way, it doesn't matter, I guess. I'm so tired and confused my head is all foggy.
Thanks for your encouraging letter. It does comfort me. Thanks my dear sweet friend. I love you.
yeah, it was the trust God comment that I was refering to. I was foggy too and just started writing from my heart on the subject. I just wanted you to be free to feel your feelings and not be condemned for them.
love you
RAch
O my sister Gloria,
heart (though it bleeds)before God. I know He does as well. He made us relational people, he made us people with emotions - so feel it all, as you should. Remember that He is Elohim, "God who sees" and He also sees your heart that is breaking, your heart that bows before Him (whether you are questioning, whether you are praising, whether you are too weak to pray and can only summon the word, "help") - and He is Your Healer, Your Sustainer, the KING of Glory over your lives. I remember being struck with the scene of Martha and Mary crying out to Jesus about their "if-only's." If only he had been there, there brother would still be here. Jesus could have hushed them quickly and hurriedly by telling them exactly what He was about to do for them and their brother, Lazarus. He didn't hurry that moment. He stayed in that moment and felt everything they felt by weeping deeply with them. He really saw them.
We don't know what God will do here. I join the others in praying for physical healing for Jim. What we do know is that He is HERE, He sees, He knows the heartbreak, He is staying in the moment with both of you, and crying right now--with you. What a loving God this is.
Keep living all of life...today and feeling all of it. He loves you so...the rest of us do as well.
I stand with you Gloria and Jim. God sustain you and bless you in the riches of His love.
In Christ's love,
Kimberly Reamer
just back from vacation. I LOVE you both SO much. my heart hurts.
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