When Jim left the NIH, they were contacting a rehab here in Pgh for a comprehensive total package that might help Jim. They referred him to this doc we seen last week.
They said it would be a place for Jim to get his head tweaked to see if they could talk his brain into not feeling any pain...I don't know what you call it. He could also get some physical therapy, braces if needed, accupuncture, heat, ice, massage, who knows what.
So he meets with a doc who wants to give Jim a different pain med that is in the same family. He suggests a caudal shot, but Jim's on coumadin and has low platelets. Accupuncture isn't covered by our insurance, so we can't afford that. But the bottom line is once again there is no help for Jim. This doc said that Harmarville doesn't even have a program like NIH wanted Jim in. There isn't one in Pittsburgh, and if there was, our insurance wouldn't cover it, so....
In the meantime, our country is going to pot. We might not get our disability SSI because of this debt crisis. And yet I would rather not get paid, than them raise the debt ceiling. Remind me that I said that if I don't get our SSI and our mortage is due. :) I do have to say them calling our Social Security an "entitlement" has me a bit angry. We usually get ours on the Wednesday at the end of the month, since it's disability ssi, so we shall see if it gets deposited.
How's Australia doing? I guess I should have e-mailed you, but I don't have your address on my laptop. I cut the grass today and pushed myself and got heat exhaustion, so Jim was taking care of me today. I'm getting to old for this crap. :) I"m actually thankful that I'm strong, but I can't work in the heat/sun anymore. Kind of hard for a gardener.
We may actually go to our cottage tomorrow. But we're really scared We're afraid it will be like home, Jim in pain and me working and Jim wishing he could be working, and me wishing he could be too.
Geeze Gaz, I don't know how to make this blog sound upbeat anymore. I don't want to bellyache, but if I tell you (and others) what's going on, it involves a lot of hard stuff. I don't want to always sound so negative, but I'm not sure how to say what is going on in our lives without it sounding negative, or like we're complaining, or we don't have anything to be thankful for, because we do. But it would be silly to sign on here and talk about how thankful I am for my swimming pool...until I have to open it, close it, or clean it. LOL. Ok, I quit.
K, nighty nite. Bedtime for me.
Regards, my friend. Jim says, "sup mate."
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Portable bathtub question---juicing
Hey anonymous, what portable are you referring to? I have looked on the web, and there are several. One is 300.00 (not cheap in my books) and it's not deep enough. Could you please post a website or something. Thanks. I don't have much patience for searching the web for hours, so perhaps you can spare me from that.
Okay. Here's another question that I'm looking for advice on. We watched a program on Netflix last night called, Fat, Sick...I can't remember the whole name, but a man from Australia (you ought to like that Gazza) does nothing but juicing for 2 months. The premise for this is to reset his whole system and clean up cells. Jim is thinking about doing this. So, I wonder if anyone out there has any knowledge on anything like this? We would do it following with his doctor, of course. Also, does anyone have a good...GOOD juicer that we can borrow for a few months.
We're just wondering. I probably would do it with him for 10 days, too.
Thanks for your input.
Okay. Here's another question that I'm looking for advice on. We watched a program on Netflix last night called, Fat, Sick...I can't remember the whole name, but a man from Australia (you ought to like that Gazza) does nothing but juicing for 2 months. The premise for this is to reset his whole system and clean up cells. Jim is thinking about doing this. So, I wonder if anyone out there has any knowledge on anything like this? We would do it following with his doctor, of course. Also, does anyone have a good...GOOD juicer that we can borrow for a few months.
We're just wondering. I probably would do it with him for 10 days, too.
Thanks for your input.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Feellings...whoa whoa whoa
Okay, I promise I won't sing anymore for you. Or drown in my emotions, this writing.
I am sorry that I haven't updated the blog since last entry. 5 minutes after writing it, I came back on to erase it, but I had shut my computer off, and I didn't have the spirit to turn it back on to do that, so I left it there. I really struggled for 2 or 3 days with some really bad depression. It hurt. It hurts. It was good though because I have felt your prayers. I really have, and MJ was especially helpful this trip down despair lane. Thank you MJ. I love you.
I see my pithy Australian friend has struck again. It's funny to watch the different ways that people handle the trauma that affects someone that we love. We all do it, one way or another. This is a man who handles the trauma brought on by illness by giving totally of himself. And to add insult to my selfish heart, he does this FOR PEOPLE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. He is an amazing man. I aspire to be like him. Gaz, you are the Steve Irwin of illness. :) And so far, it got me 2/3 day escape with my sister. ;)
Anyway, I am doing better. I read somewhere that ancient man was obsessed with how to be "good." Modern man is obsessed with how to be "happy." I like that. I would add that ultra modern man (or woman) think that being "good" is a feeling rather a choice, or a decision. Good things happen, I feel good. Hence, bad things happen, I feel bad. I don't know. I have to think through this some. Someone asks you, "how are you doing?" What do we do? We say "good" or "fine" based on how we feel. We don't say we are doing "good" or "fine" based on how well we have been at doing good, or worse (for the Christian) we don't say "VERY GOOD" at the grace of God, that grace that perfects my weak faith, that grace which will culminate someday in "feeling good" on steriods. Because this brings in a whole new arena of defining what is "good." In my thinking, the doing "good" has to do with faith. How well am I doing with trusting God through this crazy life, which has had a lot of "not feeling good" and yet has been filled with such grace and forgiveness and love of God.
When I go birding (not this year, or last) and add a new species to my life list (not this year or last) I cry. Not for new shore birds, even though I love the shore and the ocean, but warblers. I love warblers. They are small, fast, pretty and, well, they warble. There is something about the word "warble" that I like. It makes me "feel" "good." My birding goal is to see a painted bunting in the wild. I would sob. Anyway, all of that just to say...oh my goodness....I can't remember. LOL. I started thinking of the painted bunting names, could only come up with prothonatary warbler, and wham...what I was going to say is gone. I'm sure the profundity of that forgotten sentiment will rob you of some great wisdom for years to come... Sigh. I do this all the time in conversation. But when writing? Sheesh. Well, it had something to do with goodness, God and Grace.
Anyway. I'll just move along to the reason for this blog. Jim. Well, he's doing very poorly, and we just don't know why. Neuropathy doesn't get worse for no reason, and yet his does. I don't know.
Brother Bill suggested magnesium baths and Brother Joe suggested regulating body ph, which mag baths can help. So, Jim took 2 of these baths so far, and IMMEDIATELY after, he had more energy and less numbness. HOWEVER, there is a problem. Our bathtub is soooooooooo small. Jim's fractured vertebre back ends up causing him tons of pain because he is all contorted in the bath, so now he can't do the baths. ( I can't even fit in my bathtub, it's so small.) So does anyone have any suggestions on how Jim can bathe, not using our tub? And it has to be a bath because it has to be in hot water. Some of the Baldauff's are great thinkers, so think. And ask other Baldauffs who aren't reading the blog to think. Jim needed to do his bath yesterday, but couldn't get in the tub. This could be something that really really REALLY helps him, or just gives him some daily comfort. IT DOESN'T MATTER. He/We want it for him. What I wouldn't give for an old claw foot right now.
Well, I guess I'm done. I just want to thank you for sticking with me through this. Suffering is a wilderness experience. It's something we walk alone. Other humans can't join us. No matter how close I am to Jim, I cannot experience his pain. I can only do for him, pray for him. Some of you have done and prayed amazing things for us, and it makes me sad in this way. I know that you, too, have all the pains and sadness and loneliness and....of getting older in this fallen world. And I can't do for you. I don't have the energies or will to make a call, answer the phone sometimes, shop for a gift for you, come to the funeral home for you, babysit, cook, laugh with, go for walks, or to even remember your birthdays. My prayers for you are pathetic. Like I told the ladies at my bible study, sometimes I take my prayer list, point at it and say, "Hey God...this." And then I post a Dolly downer post, and leave for a week. I only hope that you understand and know that I love you, despite the fact that I can't prove it with my actions.
Still don't know where I was going with the birding thing. Sorry. :)
I am sorry that I haven't updated the blog since last entry. 5 minutes after writing it, I came back on to erase it, but I had shut my computer off, and I didn't have the spirit to turn it back on to do that, so I left it there. I really struggled for 2 or 3 days with some really bad depression. It hurt. It hurts. It was good though because I have felt your prayers. I really have, and MJ was especially helpful this trip down despair lane. Thank you MJ. I love you.
I see my pithy Australian friend has struck again. It's funny to watch the different ways that people handle the trauma that affects someone that we love. We all do it, one way or another. This is a man who handles the trauma brought on by illness by giving totally of himself. And to add insult to my selfish heart, he does this FOR PEOPLE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. He is an amazing man. I aspire to be like him. Gaz, you are the Steve Irwin of illness. :) And so far, it got me 2/3 day escape with my sister. ;)
Anyway, I am doing better. I read somewhere that ancient man was obsessed with how to be "good." Modern man is obsessed with how to be "happy." I like that. I would add that ultra modern man (or woman) think that being "good" is a feeling rather a choice, or a decision. Good things happen, I feel good. Hence, bad things happen, I feel bad. I don't know. I have to think through this some. Someone asks you, "how are you doing?" What do we do? We say "good" or "fine" based on how we feel. We don't say we are doing "good" or "fine" based on how well we have been at doing good, or worse (for the Christian) we don't say "VERY GOOD" at the grace of God, that grace that perfects my weak faith, that grace which will culminate someday in "feeling good" on steriods. Because this brings in a whole new arena of defining what is "good." In my thinking, the doing "good" has to do with faith. How well am I doing with trusting God through this crazy life, which has had a lot of "not feeling good" and yet has been filled with such grace and forgiveness and love of God.
When I go birding (not this year, or last) and add a new species to my life list (not this year or last) I cry. Not for new shore birds, even though I love the shore and the ocean, but warblers. I love warblers. They are small, fast, pretty and, well, they warble. There is something about the word "warble" that I like. It makes me "feel" "good." My birding goal is to see a painted bunting in the wild. I would sob. Anyway, all of that just to say...oh my goodness....I can't remember. LOL. I started thinking of the painted bunting names, could only come up with prothonatary warbler, and wham...what I was going to say is gone. I'm sure the profundity of that forgotten sentiment will rob you of some great wisdom for years to come... Sigh. I do this all the time in conversation. But when writing? Sheesh. Well, it had something to do with goodness, God and Grace.
Anyway. I'll just move along to the reason for this blog. Jim. Well, he's doing very poorly, and we just don't know why. Neuropathy doesn't get worse for no reason, and yet his does. I don't know.
Brother Bill suggested magnesium baths and Brother Joe suggested regulating body ph, which mag baths can help. So, Jim took 2 of these baths so far, and IMMEDIATELY after, he had more energy and less numbness. HOWEVER, there is a problem. Our bathtub is soooooooooo small. Jim's fractured vertebre back ends up causing him tons of pain because he is all contorted in the bath, so now he can't do the baths. ( I can't even fit in my bathtub, it's so small.) So does anyone have any suggestions on how Jim can bathe, not using our tub? And it has to be a bath because it has to be in hot water. Some of the Baldauff's are great thinkers, so think. And ask other Baldauffs who aren't reading the blog to think. Jim needed to do his bath yesterday, but couldn't get in the tub. This could be something that really really REALLY helps him, or just gives him some daily comfort. IT DOESN'T MATTER. He/We want it for him. What I wouldn't give for an old claw foot right now.
Well, I guess I'm done. I just want to thank you for sticking with me through this. Suffering is a wilderness experience. It's something we walk alone. Other humans can't join us. No matter how close I am to Jim, I cannot experience his pain. I can only do for him, pray for him. Some of you have done and prayed amazing things for us, and it makes me sad in this way. I know that you, too, have all the pains and sadness and loneliness and....of getting older in this fallen world. And I can't do for you. I don't have the energies or will to make a call, answer the phone sometimes, shop for a gift for you, come to the funeral home for you, babysit, cook, laugh with, go for walks, or to even remember your birthdays. My prayers for you are pathetic. Like I told the ladies at my bible study, sometimes I take my prayer list, point at it and say, "Hey God...this." And then I post a Dolly downer post, and leave for a week. I only hope that you understand and know that I love you, despite the fact that I can't prove it with my actions.
Still don't know where I was going with the birding thing. Sorry. :)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
and yet another update
Well, Jim feels lousy.
For those in the medical field. All those meds aren't helping.
For those w/ homeopathic interest, magnesium baths, probiotics, baking soda, not helping either.
I am worn out. We actually talked about Jim going into an assisted living home so they can take care of him, while I sell the house, cause doing everything is so hard in so many ways. But I just can't do that. My dad was in one of them too long. And I would never visit Jim, so... Plus, they smell like pee, and well... We are stuck. Really stuck. We can't stay, we can't move. We can't sell the cottage, we can't keep it. I can't cut the grass, I can't get anyone to cut the grass. Now Jim's trying to eat no sugar and, what? I'm supposed to learn how to cook in a new way? I don't think so.
As for the grass, here's what I'm thinking. Jim was going to draw out an addition to our shed. I was going to go to Home Depot and pick up the supplies, and then we were going to ask Bill or someone to organize as many nephews as possible to come and put the addition to the shed on. Then I was going to bring home the tractor from the cottage, or buy a small one. Then I could cut the grass and easily cut around the areas that the tractor won't do. But we need a shed to house it. We haven't asked anyone yet. Know why? Jim is too sick to draw out an addition. So nix that idea. I cut the grass after waiting as long as I could, and just as I predicted, Tom comes to cut Ann's grass, thereby giving him an "out" to doing ours. Uh, Tom, you could have just said no. He wouldn't even look our way. I tried to hire someone. God, I thought you even provided him. Nope. That didn't work.
I don't know what to say anymore. Jim lays down. I work. I hate summers anymore. I hate snow. I hate anything that gives more work. Autumn leaves, and springs weeds. Holidays stink. There are no vacations. Um, let me see. Well, I guess you get the gist of it.
Yep, I'm so very sad and rather than just say that, and ask for prayers that I could change my sadness into joy by looking at the many gifts I do have from God, I crank, or I drive to the shop and save so I can cry in my car.
For those in the medical field. All those meds aren't helping.
For those w/ homeopathic interest, magnesium baths, probiotics, baking soda, not helping either.
I am worn out. We actually talked about Jim going into an assisted living home so they can take care of him, while I sell the house, cause doing everything is so hard in so many ways. But I just can't do that. My dad was in one of them too long. And I would never visit Jim, so... Plus, they smell like pee, and well... We are stuck. Really stuck. We can't stay, we can't move. We can't sell the cottage, we can't keep it. I can't cut the grass, I can't get anyone to cut the grass. Now Jim's trying to eat no sugar and, what? I'm supposed to learn how to cook in a new way? I don't think so.
As for the grass, here's what I'm thinking. Jim was going to draw out an addition to our shed. I was going to go to Home Depot and pick up the supplies, and then we were going to ask Bill or someone to organize as many nephews as possible to come and put the addition to the shed on. Then I was going to bring home the tractor from the cottage, or buy a small one. Then I could cut the grass and easily cut around the areas that the tractor won't do. But we need a shed to house it. We haven't asked anyone yet. Know why? Jim is too sick to draw out an addition. So nix that idea. I cut the grass after waiting as long as I could, and just as I predicted, Tom comes to cut Ann's grass, thereby giving him an "out" to doing ours. Uh, Tom, you could have just said no. He wouldn't even look our way. I tried to hire someone. God, I thought you even provided him. Nope. That didn't work.
I don't know what to say anymore. Jim lays down. I work. I hate summers anymore. I hate snow. I hate anything that gives more work. Autumn leaves, and springs weeds. Holidays stink. There are no vacations. Um, let me see. Well, I guess you get the gist of it.
Yep, I'm so very sad and rather than just say that, and ask for prayers that I could change my sadness into joy by looking at the many gifts I do have from God, I crank, or I drive to the shop and save so I can cry in my car.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Hope
The Wildness of God
We live our lives before the wild, dangerous, unfettered and free character of the living God.
(Walter Brueggemann)
The unknown Romancing or the Message of the Arrows- which captures the essence of life? Should we keep our hearts open to the Romance or concentrate on protecting ourselves from the Arrows? Should we live with hopeful abandon, trusting in a larger story whose ending is good, or should we live in our small stories and glean what we can from the Romance while trying to avoid the Arrows?
Perhaps God, as the Author of the Story we're all living in, would tilt the scale in a favorable direction if we knew we could trust him. And therein lies our dilemma. There seems to be no direct correlation between the way we live our lives and the resulting fate God has in store for us, at least on this earth. Abraham's grandson, Jacob, lives the life of a manipulator and is blessed. Jesus lives for the sake of others and is crucified. And we never quite know when we're going to run into the uncertainty of the part God has written for us in his play, whether our character has significant lines yet to speak or will even survive the afternoon.
(The Sacred Romance)
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