Feellings...whoa whoa whoa

Okay, I promise I won't sing anymore for you. Or drown in my emotions, this writing.

I am sorry that I haven't updated the blog since last entry. 5 minutes after writing it, I came back on to erase it, but I had shut my computer off, and I didn't have the spirit to turn it back on to do that, so I left it there. I really struggled for 2 or 3 days with some really bad depression. It hurt. It hurts. It was good though because I have felt your prayers. I really have, and MJ was especially helpful this trip down despair lane. Thank you MJ. I love you.

I see my pithy Australian friend has struck again. It's funny to watch the different ways that people handle the trauma that affects someone that we love. We all do it, one way or another. This is a man who handles the trauma brought on by illness by giving totally of himself. And to add insult to my selfish heart, he does this FOR PEOPLE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW. He is an amazing man. I aspire to be like him. Gaz, you are the Steve Irwin of illness. :) And so far, it got me 2/3 day escape with my sister. ;)

Anyway, I am doing better. I read somewhere that ancient man was obsessed with how to be "good." Modern man is obsessed with how to be "happy." I like that. I would add that ultra modern man (or woman) think that being "good" is a feeling rather a choice, or a decision. Good things happen, I feel good. Hence, bad things happen, I feel bad. I don't know. I have to think through this some. Someone asks you, "how are you doing?" What do we do? We say "good" or "fine" based on how we feel. We don't say we are doing "good" or "fine" based on how well we have been at doing good, or worse (for the Christian) we don't say "VERY GOOD" at the grace of God, that grace that perfects my weak faith, that grace which will culminate someday in "feeling good" on steriods. Because this brings in a whole new arena of defining what is "good." In my thinking, the doing "good" has to do with faith. How well am I doing with trusting God through this crazy life, which has had a lot of "not feeling good" and yet has been filled with such grace and forgiveness and love of God.

When I go birding (not this year, or last) and add a new species to my life list (not this year or last) I cry. Not for new shore birds, even though I love the shore and the ocean, but warblers. I love warblers. They are small, fast, pretty and, well, they warble. There is something about the word "warble" that I like. It makes me "feel" "good." My birding goal is to see a painted bunting in the wild. I would sob. Anyway, all of that just to say...oh my goodness....I can't remember. LOL. I started thinking of the painted bunting names, could only come up with prothonatary warbler, and wham...what I was going to say is gone. I'm sure the profundity of that forgotten sentiment will rob you of some great wisdom for years to come... Sigh. I do this all the time in conversation. But when writing? Sheesh. Well, it had something to do with goodness, God and Grace.

Anyway. I'll just move along to the reason for this blog. Jim. Well, he's doing very poorly, and we just don't know why. Neuropathy doesn't get worse for no reason, and yet his does. I don't know.

Brother Bill suggested magnesium baths and Brother Joe suggested regulating body ph, which mag baths can help. So, Jim took 2 of these baths so far, and IMMEDIATELY after, he had more energy and less numbness. HOWEVER, there is a problem. Our bathtub is soooooooooo small. Jim's fractured vertebre back ends up causing him tons of pain because he is all contorted in the bath, so now he can't do the baths. ( I can't even fit in my bathtub, it's so small.) So does anyone have any suggestions on how Jim can bathe, not using our tub? And it has to be a bath because it has to be in hot water. Some of the Baldauff's are great thinkers, so think. And ask other Baldauffs who aren't reading the blog to think. Jim needed to do his bath yesterday, but couldn't get in the tub. This could be something that really really REALLY helps him, or just gives him some daily comfort. IT DOESN'T MATTER. He/We want it for him. What I wouldn't give for an old claw foot right now.

Well, I guess I'm done. I just want to thank you for sticking with me through this. Suffering is a wilderness experience. It's something we walk alone. Other humans can't join us. No matter how close I am to Jim, I cannot experience his pain. I can only do for him, pray for him. Some of you have done and prayed amazing things for us, and it makes me sad in this way. I know that you, too, have all the pains and sadness and loneliness and....of getting older in this fallen world. And I can't do for you. I don't have the energies or will to make a call, answer the phone sometimes, shop for a gift for you, come to the funeral home for you, babysit, cook, laugh with, go for walks, or to even remember your birthdays. My prayers for you are pathetic. Like I told the ladies at my bible study, sometimes I take my prayer list, point at it and say, "Hey God...this." And then I post a Dolly downer post, and leave for a week. I only hope that you understand and know that I love you, despite the fact that I can't prove it with my actions.

Still don't know where I was going with the birding thing. Sorry. :)