Ummmmm,geeze

I ahhhh, kind of don't know what to say, we all were so happy about what I wrote before. I just got off the phone with Jim, and I'm sitting here at 10:30 ready to jump out of my skin. He talked to his doctor and the doctor said according to the blood tests, Jim is 85 percent engrafted. That means it is HIGHLY unlikely that he will lose this transplant, that his body won't reject it. Which is great news. So, then, Jim says to the doctor, "but I'm still scared about the cancer coming back." The doctor said. Don't worry about it................I expect the cancer to come back. You're cancer is very hard to cure. We got plans, we'll do another transplant or more chemo....WHAT?????????????????

And then I'm silent and Jim wants to know what's wrong. Uh, geeze, Hon.... Nothing. I thought there was a 20 to 50 percent chance you would make it beyond 6 months, not 6 weeks. Um, I only thought I would have to live out of a suitcase for a few more months, not a few more years. um, I'm fighting for my life, too, you know. Um.... The words, "I expect" it to come back are no where near the 20 percent chance they spoke of before. And it doesn't line up with 3 more months away from home, either. What they should have said was, "we think it will be almost zero percent chance the cancer won't come back, but we can prolong his life, but you'll be living in and out of this hospital and lodge and hotels for the rest of it. I would have still done it, but NOT IN FREAKING DENIAL OF HAVING ANY QUALITY OF LIFE.

I'm so sick and tired of all of this. I think we need to just move here and sell the house. Seriously. I can't live like this. I'm already counting the days before we can go home, and Jim's not even out of the hospital yet. And now this???? "You'll have to live here 4 months after the transplant" is not even CLOSE to how long we'll be here if they "expect" the cancer to come back. I'm so damn angry. "We'll do another SCT??????" Oh, really. And what.... you think you might have wanted to mention that little fact tous before we asked a 60 some year old man who lives in the mid west, on his way to retirement to participate? "Oh, by the way Bob, you'll be coming here the rest of your life, too." Oh, and you'll have to give yourself more shots, and give us more cells. And you'll have to go home exhausted and fly in and fly out and fly in and fly out ...Come on, people. That's just not fair. Give people the whole deal.

Sorry to get you all excited folks. It was nice to hear from Mary and John, and Johnny and Leah want to go biking, and....WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT THAT STUFF IS FOR NORMAL PEOPLE. People with lives. So, no. I'm not going bike riding. I try to ride a bike to get exercise, and 3 weeks past before it happens again. I try to do a bible study, and 2 weeks pass before I unpack it from the suitcase, you know, the suitcase that is constantly opening and closing as I carry it in and out of places.

Oh, I'm so damn mad, if I weren't at Bob and Shelley's, I would probably be throwing china right now. And I've never done that.

Oh, and just for toppers, Jim's surgery will be tomorrow at 8 a.m. or Friday. What's that? Geeze, pick a day already... Oh, wait, why pick a day???? Nothing ever happens the way they say it anyway.

Unbelievable.

And you know what. This isn't the first time I've posted their BS they have given to me, to have to change it and change it and change it. So, I'm done. I'm sick of reporting something and it changing to something else and it changing to something else.

The end.