feeling bad

Hello:

I was actually enjoying not writing on the blog. But when I see "Canton Ohio" and many others checking and checking the blog, I felt badly cause I know you love us and want to know what is going on. I got your calls, MJ & June. I was answering my phone, it's just that there is no reception at the hospital, so I missed your calls. It was great to hear your voice and your declaration of love for me, as well. It made me cry.

Jim is doing well. He continues to have unexplained nausea. The docs were concerned and last Thursday did a CT scan. It showed no visual cancer growth. It actually showed the scar tissue area of the previous cancer had also shrunk. We don't know exactly when Jim was "cancer free" because "size" hadn't changed from after the second course of chemo. the PET scan is the very accurate way of measuring cancer. When it showed the cancer was in remission, it could have been since after the second chemo. Who knows. But at the very least, this CT scan shows that Jim has been in remission now for 6 weeks, which is pretty amazing.

They also did surgery on his backend. Turns out the setons were healing on their own, without any tightening. So, they removed them. A bit of blood and a bit of pain for a day or two, but that is all gone now. The docs were AMAZED, as Jim and I were. I am so glad for him to be rid of them. They couldn't believe that they not only healed on their own, but in particular while Jim's immune system is so low.

This Thursday is the BIG day. It is day 28 after the stem cell and Jim will get a whole new bunch of tests, including the dreaded (or not) PET scan. After that, Jim comes home. He's been in the hopt. for so long, it will be so nice to have him out with me. The doctors said that he can go straight to Bob and Shelley's without having to stay at a hotel in Bethesda. At least that was the word last week. This is music to our ears. I would rather drive Jim back 3 days a week, then stay around there...out of a suitcase.

As for me, well, I went back to the lodge, despite me not wanting to. Shelley took care of me for 5 days while away from the lodge, and it was like heaven. You were right, Carol, to insist we come here. Despite me feeling bad, I see how much I really needed to be around family and someone so nurturing.

Well, as I said, I went to the lodge. I was so wiped out physically and emotionally from the idea of another packing and unpacking, I decided to bring very little. But that made me feel homeless. When I got to the lodge and unpacked, I discovered that I packed 2 different tennis shoes, both left feet, and that started yet another crying jag. The next day, my throat felt scratchy, but I wasn't sure if that was a cold starting, or just my throat hurting from the sleep apnea, which is soooooooooooo bad, it's a wonder I'm not dead. (No, I didn't bring my breathing machine. I forgot it in PGH when packing, not that it matters, as it's a rare night that I use it totally through the night.)

Anyway, it turns out it's a sore throat, and I have a full fledged cold. I only pray that I didn't give it to Jim yesterday after being with him, sharing Iced tea, and giving a few kisses. (stupid me) So, I left the lodge and came back "home" today. Their beds are sooooooooo bad, there is no way I could stay in bed all day getting well. I stayed in bed most of one day, and my back still hurts. So I'm home in my pj's with my Dayquil and NyQuil. I feel safe here. I don't feel lost and alone and homeless. But I feel bad for leaving my DH. I also hope that I'm well by Friday (probably won't be if you know me and colds) cause not only do I have to pick Jim up and go to a "so you're going home after a transplant" class, but I could get him sick if I haven't already.

Sorry about the last blog. Well, actually I'm not. I guess I'm sorry that it sends people scrambling in all kinds of directions to want to aid me. All kinds of ideas out there about what was going on. As I re-read it, I saw myself that I mentioned living out of a suitcase and being away from home more than anything, and that the doctors spoke in circles pointed to living out of a suitcase longer, well, it kind of just was the straw that broke...I wasn't mad at God or having a faith crisis. I was angry at the doctors and the whole darn thing. Hearing that Jim's cancer could come back is a no brainer, as we knew that. Like one of my fave hymns says, "my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness." It's not on the docs, the cancer staying away, etc. I think I've mentioned this several times here, so I won't beat that horse to death again. I guess, to hear that the cancer could cause us to be away from home even longer than they said because of another transplant, well that one was new to me and very hard to hear and feel.

Pray requests are the same for Jim and I. I ask the Lord to lead some of you to pray for Bob and Shelley and their children as we stay with them. I know it's a sacrifice and I want them protected as well. The kids gave up their playroom so easy. Thanks.

US