Sorry Lord, but I hated today

First things first. Jim signed onto the protocol today. Not until 6:15 P.M., but he's signed on.

And all of this junk leads to that.

I got up slowly today. I had to wait for the furnace repair guy to come. I had to go food shopping, so off I went. I came back carried the food into the lodge and made tuna sandwiches for me and Jim. I also made soup. Jim loves Aldi’s tropical fruit, so I opened a can of that and brought it to him as well. I had to take the CD player and Cd’s to his room, so I loaded up the van and off I went. I loaded up the small dolly I had and went to the 3rd floor.

I noticed the soup was leaking out of the bag and there was actually a pool of soup in the bag, wetting the paper plates, sandwiches and peaches, was dripping on the dolly, etc., so I took it out of the bag, and started to carry it, and put the rest of the stuff on the dolly. As I’m in the 3rd floor atrium, the fruit falls off the dolly and opens up and goes all over the floor. The juice sprayed up and wet the back of my jeans and drenched my coat. I never saw where the peaches rolled to. I had to clean that up, and I get to Jim’s room, and I’m crying like a baby, feeling like I failed to take good care of Jim again. Jim saves what’s left of the lunch and does my laundry, while I put on his sweat clothes. I finally stop crying. And we’re wondering where the SCT team is to sign Jim on.

Every year we have been married, Jim has bought me a valentine day heart filled with candy. Steedles, Yetters, some place good. I’m not a romantic person at all and all I could think of, the first few years was, “Hon, you could have got 2 pounds for the price of 1, sans the heart. But it started to grow on me, and I saw the love and romance in the man who did something so special, something no one had done before him, and that was to give me beauty and to touch my heart. So a few weeks ago, I thanked him for all the years of hearts, telling him how much I grew to love that frivolous display of love. I knew I wouldn’t be getting candy this year with us being here and Jim being sick.

Because of my mess with lunch, Jim surprised me with a beautiful pink satin heart with Esther’s Candy in it. Oh my goodness is it good. I felt so guilty and blessed. First Jim used a gift card that Joe and MJ bought for him for Christmas, and with 2 family members helping us financially, I felt guilty for that. But it does something to my heart now, and to Jim’s to buy this. It makes me feel lovely and loved. And I just LOVE to open that box and look at it, and then taste the wonderful chocolate in it. As I eat it, it feels like I’m feasting on Jim’s love for me. And he always buys me chocolate covered cherries, coconut, raisin and peanut clusters. None of those creams and such for me. And I savour each one, and everytime I open the heart up it speaks of that love.

Well I had 2 pieces and the STC team FINALLY came in. We went over everything and signed everything. And it was a relief and it was scary. I needed another piece of chocolate after all of that. And …everything fell off the chair, and my beautiful pink heart box of chocolate opened up and spilled all over the dirty hospital floor. Well, I screamed out and cried and cried for hours. I’m still crying. After the lunch fiasco and STC signing and now this, I just broke down. And heck, let’s add Johnny and Leah moving to Chicago to go to school to the list, too, as I will miss them and know I won’t see them much, as she will be a prisoner to school for 2 years, and then working, and…(don't feel bad kids. I don't say that as a guilt manipulative thing. You know I love you, support your decision and want what is best for you and what you want. I will just miss you is all.)...I digress. Anyway. Jim had to clean up for me and throw all my candy away, because I was inconsolable. Throwing that candy away was like throwing Jim’s love away, like throwing him away. And when I think of all the energy it took for him to order it, and the trouble with UPS, and the cost, etc. It just breaks my heart. So, Jim took care of me again.

Well, Jim is getting chemo tomorrow and so I thought I would disinfect his room, and to make this horrible day end faster. After all I am the care taker. I better get at it. I ended up slamming my finger in between a sharp door and iron on the chair pusher. I screamed it hurt so badly, and I started crying all over again. I had never felt such pain. I cried and cried and cried. And Jim got me ice and I lay down on his bed and he put ice on my finger and rubbed my head for an hour while I cried some more.

The good news is I didn’t swear. I tend to swear when I hurt myself rather than cry. Usually I swear on the inside, occasionally on the outside. Jim handles the tears better than the swears.

Anyway, I finally made it home. And pecked this out trying not to use my index finger. To add insult to injury. When I hit “post” to post this story, the internet browser asked me to sign on, despite me being signed on, and I lost everything that I wrote, which as you know by now, is quite a lot. And I did this trying not to use my swollen finger.

So, I really hated this day. I’m sorry, Lord, but I did. I’m so very tired, Lord. And I’m supposed to be Jim’s care taker, and look; he took care of me today, despite my attempts. “Caretaker” is an assigned role that everyone going through a STC needs. If you don’t have someone who is willing to do this, you can’t even get a SCT, it’s that chaotic. I really need your strength, Lord. I really need to feel your love through your people, Lord. Keep the mean nurses away. Have your people pray for me. Keep the enemy at bay, Lord. But I do want to thank you for such a wonderful husband, Lord. And please heal him and keep him with me. Apparently I need him more than he needs me.

Well, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Pray for Jim. He has to get a pick line for the one drug they are giving him and they hurt. And pray for Bob, too. He has to show up early tomorrow for blood draws and they will start him on his meds to increase the stem cells. He will have to go home for a week and give himself shots every day and then he has to come back and they start the stem cell extraction. So, pray that he produces a lot of stem cells, but that the shots of meds don't cause the terrible bone pain that it caused Jim.

Months ago, I read some of the best thing I ever read on John's blog, "wait and hope" written by his friend Mike. It said.

1. God is good.
2. Life is hard.

It's because I believe #1 that I can survive #2

AMEN...

Okay that's all folks...if you're still with me after that long pathetic saga.