Well, John is going to come home and get the tires on the van and such for me, so all is working out.
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE and JUDY WON'T TELL ME but you sure were generous to Jim and I. I could get by on the tires that I have for a few more months, but the traffic is so bad down there, and so many wrecks when it rains, and I slid once while on the 6 lane highway (shhhh, don't tell Jim) so not only are you (whoever you are...JUDY WON'T TELL ME) buying us tires, but you're potentially saving our lives too. Thank you.
You know. I have to say this. I was talking to the Lord the other day. It was after my spiritual temper tantrum day. I said, "Lord, I don't get it. All the problems, not just day to day, but sometimes hour by hour...day after day. It seems like you just don't care. No. I can't say that. It seems like you are aloof. And yet, all your people, their generosity, care, concern and love have been SOOOOOOOO GREAT. Why? I don't feel like I deserve it. Jim, yes. Me, no."
Now, I don't always feel that way, but many times. And I can recognize the evil one behind the evil thoughts. That doesn't trip me up. But it seems like God is loving me in ways that I don't need. No...wait. Not that. Cause we have needed the help we have received. Maybe this is better. It seems like God is loving me, but not in the way that I desire the most. Yes. I have greatly...GREATLY appreciated EVERYTHING that all of you guys have done for me. But the one thing I desire the most. The one thing I want the most feels like the one thing that I'm just not getting. And that is more of HIM. I just want more of God. And he seems so aloof. Oh, I know the cute little churchianity sayings like, "If you don't feel God's presense, He's not the one that has moved" and other sayings. But I don't believe that is what is happening here. I think that God has lifted his spirit of connectivity (for lack of a better word) from me, as part of this trial that I walk with Jim, so that his purpose is not thwarted, and I continue to grow in Him. But while doing that, he has drawn you guys to step in and love us, so that we aren't totally left alone adrift. I probably wouldn't have survived without you. Anxiety or something would have eaten me up.
It scares me to think of the long hard road that we have to walk yet, so we really don't go there often. But I have to say, one thing that has changed is that I see I need more of God, my savior, my friend, more than I need anything. And yet it seems like there is nothing that I can do to make his power, his presence manifest in my life. So I just sit and wait for Him to come. Come Lord Jesus. And he tells his bridegroom to wait a little longer, and as I wait, he sends a wedding party, you, to be his arms and legs and mouth and smiles, and you wash our feet, and I would be EMPTY without you all.
3 comments:
Hi dear friend,
I miss you so much! I keep holding back in writing because I know you are so busy. but I do miss you bunches!
love you
Rach
PS. I was on the front page of our newspaper! http://www.reporterherald.com/news_story.asp?ID=20588
It was funny, I didn't see it because we don't get the paper. Then this morning at Bible study everyone was commenting on my front page debut! So funny!
love you
me
I think you are just fried Dolly and that's why you don't sense the "God connection". I think a numbness takes over and it's some sort of protective system God has built into us. So He made us like this. I can't tell you how it blessed my heart to see you guys all around the kitchen table-Mark and Kim too. You are in our hearts and so much in our prayers. MJB&JB
Hi Dolly, You know that I know exactly what you are talking about. "The manifest presence of God" left us as well. God promises to never leave us but as Jesus experienced some times during the "crosses" of our lives we cry out, "My God my God why have you forsaken me?" It was the loss of God's felt presence that I mourned the most. When I look back over the ten years of suffering I see the first two years, when our prayers hit the ceiling and came crashing back down to us empty, when worship did nothing, and when Bible reading was pointless, that was the most difficult thing despite our being homeless in the years to come, despite the very real threat of Nathaniel's death, and despite all the pain of moving so many times and leaving everything familiar, the lost presence of God was the most difficult trial of them all.
So I totally hear you in that.
There wasn't any solution so to speak. God "re-appeared" two years later and we clung to him and basked in his presence from there on out. It wasn't always the perfect relationship. I had my temper tantrums with God but after that initial two years of silence, he always responded to my fears, my anger, my disillusionment and so forth. There wasn’t anything I could do to make myself “feel” God’s presence and I know for my situation it wasn’t because of numbness. I had plenty of reason to feel numb the following eight years! God removed his manifest presence from us as part of our suffering experience and when his purposes were accomplished he showed himself to us.
Well, don’t know if that helps or hurts but it is what it is.
I love you always
Rach
Post a Comment