Jim

Hi All:

Well, I was at the hopt. from 8:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and it was NOT a good day.

Jim's pain is up. His heart rate is up. His temp is up. His blood pressure is up. He's twitching, and his mood is down. They gave him lasix, but he still has about 15 pounds of water on him. He believes that he have tumor lysis and is trying to get doctors to listen to him. And he may have some if it, and if he does, that's good, cause it means the tumor is shrinking. But they said that no one has ever gotten it on this protocol, and his pain is up, and that's not evidence of his cancer shrinking. He got himself in such a tizzy, that he thought he was having a heart attack. I had to tell the nurse to leave so we could pray. But he couldn't walk away from the fear and stress, despite the prayers. He told me, "if I were at home, Dr. Crandall would...." I said, If you were at home, you would be on hospice or already dead." We may never know if this trial will work because I think Jim is going to micromanage himself right off of the trial. They want this to work for him, but they aren't in the curing business. They are in the trial business with hopes that it cures. If you're a pain in the butt, and not easy to work with, with too many extras, you're not good for their science, and they'll take you off the trial. I don't think they are interested in an research Engineer's opinions, even though they may be valid. Their science is why they are cold and removed from the patients. I mean if anything can be done, THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE when you're as sick as Jim is. But it's because of research, not caring hearts. So, with Jim's tumor and pain burden...I just don't know. But you know what. After living it for 15 hours, I don't want to talk about it for another hour, so I'm going to bed.

And I am NOT going to be there tomorrow for the 2.5 sec doc visit, watching my husband in vain trying to get them to sit and talk and reason for an hour. In fact, I am going to go on the treadmill, and lay in bed and watch church, and eat scrambled eggs for breakfast. I think I'll make it an 8 hour hospital day tomorrow. I need a break.

Good night all. Pray for Jim. I feel very bad for him. I apologized for bringing him down here, even though he wanted to do it, too. This has just been too insane, particularly for him. I have let go and and put it all in God's lap a few weeks ago. I prayed that God would open doors or close them in regards to any help for Jim, and we're here. I'm not sure why though. I realize there is nothing I can do but pray and love Jim. He's just in so much pain and all that it's too much to watch anymore. When I think of him dancing in heaven, versus writhing in bed, I wish he were there and not here.

Well, I'm going to bed.

PS Kim, I e-mailed you from my yahoo account, but it rejected my letter as spam. So, you didn't get my e-mail.

Kristen, don't worry about the plants. The hose is shut off cause it could freeze, and I would normally do it by hand, and I can have Mark do that, and the heater automatically turns on.

Tired me