Hi Everyone:
It's Friday Night. DATE NIGHT. WITH YOU. Let's just sit and talk a while. Let's talk about you. "So, what do you think about me?" (Beaches, Bette Midler)
If you see me post a comment on my own blog that says, "getting in sideways" just ignore it because I have to hack my way into my blog so that I can post.
I need order in my life to function, and when there's not order, I don't function well. So, Jim's illness has naturally affected many areas of my life. But I keep getting used to my "new normal" as I move along. But having a prayer time and a prayer corner with praise music and my books just does not happen away from home 10 days in a strange place, 13 hours at the hopt. each day, eating ginger snaps for dinner, etc. That's why I'm all prayed out. I'm out of my zone. I can't get in. I'm not home.
But I discovered something tonight. While I can't pray, I can praise. It's the weirdest thing. I can sit and praise God on and on. Why? I'll have to think through it, but right off the top...well, it's easy to do. I mean, He's the Beginning and the End, the North, South, East, and West, the creator of everything. Praising God isn't that hard.....today. LOL. Well, lately, it's not been hard. It hasn't always been that way. But I think this is why it's easier in my life now.
I shared this with some people, but not on the blog. At least I don't think I did. If I did, well, read it again, and don't tell me my brain's going to the dog, besides that, this is DATE NIGHT, and I'm off duty.
The long story short is that a few months ago, after everything was going wrong to the nth degree, as it had been for 3 months-- big time wrong...Jim almost dying, wrong..., etc.-- I got a book out of the library, a Christian novel "Deadline" by Randy Alcorn, and it was really good. With Jim so sick, I thought I could read a bit while he was in the hospital. I couldn't stop reading it. There are 3 guys who are friends, and....well, one dies. The christian. Fast forward to his funeral, and there's his wife saying, "goodbye, my dear husband, my best friend." I almost swallowed my tongue. I couldn't stop crying. I was so darn angry, I left the hospital room and I went out into this corner and looked up to heaven and said, "Can't you at least cut me a break on a book? I wanted something fun, good for the heart. Can't you cut me a darn break even with a book?" I was crying and hurt and not as angry as I could have been in the past. Now I have gotten angry with God many times through the years, but this time, I instantly was broken hearted and realized that I was blaspheming my God, and I was attributing a characteristic to God that was bad and mean spirited. I was believing the lie that God was doing another mean thing to me. And I knew that was wrong and that I never wanted to do that again. Why, after 47 years, I finally understood that God is the good guy and is pure love, I'll never know, (I had only wanted to walk in that truth all my christian life to no avail--took long enough) but I knew I wanted to by like Job, who after everything that happened to him, endured and Job 1:22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God. So "Bully God" has been done away with. Oh, every once in a while the enemy tries to slip one in sideways, but I'm on to him now, and I know that God is good like I have never known before. So, was it God's doing or the enemy's that I was reading this sad book during this hard time? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I know God allowed me to get hurt by that story in the book, even if He didn't orchestrate it. And He would make it good. And He did. I finally got a hold of the truth that "OUR GOD IS GOOD...REAL GOOD" despite what happens in life. So, if it was God's, thank you Lord, and if it was the enemy, well...ha ha ha ha ha. Youuuuuuuuuu're a stinkin' loooooooooooooooser.
All of that to say this. I can't pray. I can, but it's so mechanical lately. It takes too much thinking, and too much of me trying to enter in, but praising doesn't. And before I know it, I'm not only "in." I'm "in" and feeling fine. I find myself thankful for the chair I'm sitting on, to the water I'm drinking, for the docs and nurses that care for Jim, that I can come back to this lodge and talk to a friend on the phone, type on a computer and feel very content on a cold Friday night, a week before Thanksgiving, with no clue as to Jim's future. I just realized that normally I would be playing Christmas Carols and watching It's a Wonderful Life, you'll shoot your eye out, kid--that's what I like to call it--and Holiday Inn. I just realized a YEAR AGO TODAY, Jim went into the hospital for 20 days for another biopsy that would say he did not have cancer. And I'm okay with it. That's an amazing God thing, don't you think? IT'S TOTALLY AMAZING....Which makes me want to immediately go to this thought. Wow, aren't I mature. Haven't I grown. I AM TOTALLY AMAZING....Which takes me immediately to this thought. I AM NOT. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. IT'S HIM DOING IT IN ME. And He's using lots of you guys to pray me though it to boot.
"Oh wretched man that I am. Who shall deliver me." Thank you Jesus, that you have. Now, I want to immediately go to 2 Corinthians, "for when I am weak, then I am strong."
LOL. Oh, it cracks me up. I want accolades. I want...something....anything...applause, an "atta girl" a foot rub? It's date night, come on. And before you know it, well, I've gone from praising Him, to wanting praise because I'm praising Him. LOL.
It takes me back to my counselor/friend, Richard, who said, "if you're pulse is beating, you're probably sinning." Oh wretched man that I am. Who shall deliver me.
Jesus.... Past, present and future.
Okay, tell the truth folks. I'm talking to myself now, aren't I? I'm so isolated, that I'm sharing my conversations in my head on the web, because I'm so isolated. This is how online affairs start, huh? I better stop talking before I take myself out, rub my own feet, or buy myself diamond earrings. I'm going to start my own website for self dating. I'll call it me-harmony.com. Oh sh-t. I'm laughing out loud with myself now, and the lady at the desk is looking at me like I'm nuts. Oh, that felt good.
Ohhhhhhhhhh, I had such a good time. Me, too. Thanks so much. You're welcomed. See you next Friday? Sure. Bye. Bye. Oh, by the way, my ears are pierced.
Get the net.......
10 comments:
Hey,
Haven't written in a while because I know not what to say except that I will continue to pray. Feel like we're all going on this roller coaster ride with you (though to a much lesser degree...like watching a film of a roller coaster verses being on one 24/7). Wish you were close enough that I could take you out for a bite to eat and some nice conversation...but I enjoyed your "one-sided" conversation here. Don't ever feel like you're alone...I know I'm not the only one who checks this blog several times a day to see what's up.
We prayed for you at home group tonight. Thinking about you a lot...
Please know that many of us are with you on this journey...we are praying for the best ending possible.
Here's raising a glass to the fact that our God truly is good!
Praise on, Baby!
Love,
K
P.S. It's cold as you-know-what here. Since Kim watered mid-week, I was going to wait until mid-week next week to give it a dousing. Do I need to go over and turn on that heater though? It is super-cold...hope it's a bit warmer by you.
Your message was a good one. It amazes me that you have such a good sense of humor all the time. That probably helps you through all this. God is good and in charge. After Obama won I was pretty scared, but someone reminded me that God was still in charge and I felt better!
I just wanted to let you know I'm praying. I sure hope Uncle Jim starts to feel better. How much can one person take? I love you both. Hang in there. Hang in there Uncle Jim. Be at peace.
Love,
Judi
Joe gets home tomorrow night. Yeah!!Bless Bonny for getting my Danny and his roommate Kyle from Grove City today. There was 6-8Inches of snow there and that blessed girl saved me a trip. It's late but I'm up with the 2 boys and just read your ramblings Dolly. God Bless You and Jimmy. Thank God He is there with you 24/7. Praying and knowing that you are so right Dol;God is amazingly good. MJB
LOL - Brilliant!
I think you have prayed your way through to praise. I have found that the same thing happens to me sometimes.
We love you.
Praying & Praising,
Sam and Maddy
Well Gloria dear....you blog is what I term (from my own life) Random Rantings...which are to me, modern-day Psalms. Didn't David start out crying and despairing to crescendo into praise at the end of the Psalm?? When you say you can praise but prayer is hard..."God inhabits the praise of His people..." you are praying my dear :) with help from the Holy Spirit. I am so glad you can praise in the midst of all of this. This is the power of God, plain and simple. We have such a great God (and His promise is never to leave us) who is present even when no one else is. What a compassionate God we serve.
I often do Random Rantings and have thought that if I lived in Old Testament days, and God asked me to write Ecclesiastes instead of Solomon, I may have named it Random Rantings instead. Love you and standing with you and your man.
From The Shack, "Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know your loved" Choosing only to live in Him not circumstance is where I want to be. We're all in the same boat with you. Process of learning to trust in our Daddy God who is covered in goodness. Have a seat on His lap, He is available any time of the day...for all of us.
Love you
Karen
Cool about the earrings. Be careful about me-harmony.com, they just made e-harmony do things they didn't want to in NJ. I am from NJ and can never figure if NJ government or PA is worse but who cares any way? WE will all keep praying for you, holding up your arms so to say. Kristen said she would learn how to knit too and some day we will do that. Maybe you will get to make your Jim something warm and cuddly although he already has you. Maybe for Thanksgiving you can find a boston market. They have good turkey. Maybe Larry would like some.
NAncy
sorry I missed you today...drat. We were at swimming lessons and then free samples at Sam's Club (yum)!
hoping your weather down there is a little nicer than this nonsense.
call anytime.
Love,
Freezing in Pittsburgh
Hope everything is okay today.(Saturday) I'm thinking about you guys alot and of course praying for you both alot. I hope you were able to keep busy and not be sad. I love you both. Be at peace.
Love,
Judi
getting in sidewasy
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