My life as a Superfreak

I'm so weary.  One would think it would help that I'm studying/prepping for the Precept study on Exodus, considering all things.  One would think the insight would help my soul.  One would think my Leyl Shimmering, my crossing of the sea, my deliverance, my desert journey, my bitter waters being changed sweet would be the sustinance I would need for yet another trek across the dry land of my soul that.... OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT POETIC BS.

My ear and face are numb.  Scary numb.  It feels like someone took my cheek and ear and cut them off and put on a cadaver's cheek and ear, as I can't feel them, and they are hard.  As a rock.   I touch them, and they feel dead.  But they're not cold.  They are hot and swollen.     I'm on an antibiotic, that I never heard, and the only bad thing it has a high chance of doing to  me is giving me C-diff.  REALLY DOC?  wow.   My left side of my face is twice the size of my right side.  I hurts like H E double hockey sticks.  I can't eat, or it swells even more.  I'm missing out on the last nice days of summer.  I just wanted to go to A STINKING LOUSY LAKE BEACH FOR 2 DAYS, YOU KNOW, LORD THE BEACH WHERE THERE IS POOP IN THE WATER, ERIE????  That's not too much to ask, I thought?  (excuse me while I have yet another pitty party)   waaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaa.    Okay, I'm back.  Let's see.  Well, Jim is in pain, trying to help me.  So, forget all that, and what that means.    um....  I have a cup of water in my chin hanging there.  It took the doctors 4 hours to get the stone out, so I have no idea how long this will take to heal.  I'm just really sore, really sad, really lonely, really tired, really....

Oh, but satan, I'm still leading bible study on Monday, freak or no freak.  Nice try, pal.  But  YOU LOSE, GRACE WINS.  again.    Ha ha ha ha ha, you pathetic, created, controlled, ball of nothing.  :-p-~~~~~~~~~~  Nice try, ignoramous.    IS THAT ALL YOU GOT????

Ok, well, that was a quick change. Good news and not so good news

Okay, good news, Jim is still cancer free.  :)  That's actually great news.

But the doc just called me.  The CT scan revealed a much larger stone, and they have to do a hybrid procedure which involves putting a scope in my mouth and then cutting me along  my ear into my jaw and taking my cheek skin and flapping it over and then removing the stone and then putting the skin back and sewing me up.  I'll have a huge scar, and as far as nerve damage, the doctor said if it was anyone else but him, he would be scared...GULP.  There is a nerve there which controls my upper lip.  He says he'll just move the nerve aside and I shouldn't have upper lip facial nerve damage.  I will have a scar though.  Also, he said my face shouldn't be uneven.  Geeze,thanks.  He says I HAVE to have the surgery.  It's not going away, and it's doubled in size.  So...  And despite my long sigh, I will still say, "God is good."

Good news and good news, a new pattern???

Hi Everyone:

First, thanks for you comments to my last post.  They were good and kept me grounded.  And they made me smile.

First Jim's good news.  We sent his MRI down to the NIH so that they could look for it for the bone cancer that the Ortho insisted he saw.  Well, theNIH called and said they see absolutely no cancer on the MRI, and that they do clearly see a break in the hip...which at this point is already healed up.  So, very good, right? 

My good news is after going to the ER for a crazy insane painful infected stone in my parotid gland (again), they didn't admit me, but put me on anti's.  And I won't gross you out, cause it is gross, but I did get some of the stone out, and I went to the doc today, and they are going to operate on it next Friday.  I had the CT scan today.  He says that he can and will "reach" it, unlike my last surgery.  So, while the infection was crazy and painful, it dislodged the stone and loosened it, and now maybe I'll never have another infection in my saliva gland, and my face will never again look like I have elephantitis.  So, very good right?

I love that I can say, "God is good" and not feel like one of those people who are always tossing out "God is good"  God is good" because they got a raise, or had another happy "good" thing happen to them.  And while I know I'm not a hypocrite, I can at least not feel like I sound like one.  I don't know if that makes any sense to everyone, but if you know me, the "God is good" mantra of the American Christian because they don't have to suffer very much, and are blessed with good family, friends, money, etc., DRIVES ME NUTS because it's just so ...wrong sometimes.   But to be honest, I guess I did once reside there, so, I'll just shut up now.  ;)

Seriously  I'm so glad it's "good" news this time. 

What's really cool, is that I didn't do jumping jacks when I heard.  Not because I wasn't happy, but because I wasn't worried, but was resting in whatever my Abba had for me.  I hope that doesn't sound like I'm tooting my own horn, cause I'm not.  I'm just celebrating that after what....25 years of walking w/ God, I actually rested in whatever he had for me without fretting, for once.  And He did it all in me anyway, so what would I be tooting about anyway?

Pray for me and my surgery.  I hate anesthesia.

hip n hand

Well Jim's been staying off of the hip as much as he can stand.  And I have been not been using my hand....LOL, YEAH RIGHT.  However, my splint is off, and despite a little pain every once in a while, I feel confident that I can say that I AM NOT GOING TO NEED SURGERY.

Jim's hip isn't hurting him anymore, but he has to follow doctors order to stay off of it.  Of course we are still not following doctors orders to see another cancer doctor, but that's yesterday's news.  I just mention it because...

We struggle daily to cling tightly to the truth.

Philippians 2:14–16

14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing;

15 so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world,

16 holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.

I've done my share of grumbling these past 5 years.  And it makes me sad in light of this scripture.  Jim has done much better than I have.  I do hope that we appear as lights in the world though, and that our race and toil is not in vain. 

So glad

I just had to share this this morning. 

I am so glad God made me the way he did.  It's one of the times I think on His Word where he says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Whether it's God in me, the Italian in me, or the woman in me, I'm glad I'm me, even if it means experiencing everything I have experienced in life. 

I used to be such an emotional pendulum swaying from one emotional extreme to another.  (I think that was the Italian part)  That wasn't really good for someone who is ruled by her emotions and feelings, as I was.  Through the years, with Him as the potter, and me the clay, I am no longer ruled by my emotions.  They certainly play a part of how I feel and the way I act and the things I say, but it doesn't take too long for God to work in my heart and bring balance back.   Oh, I still do my swinging, but when I stop, I find out that I'm still me and I'm still glad.

Because despite all the setbacks, illnesses, loss of friends, loss of ministry, loss of fun, loss of money, loss of my dad, John, Leah and Winston being far away and me not being able to visit, and not being at the ocean in years, (woe is me) in my heart, way way deep down in my heart, there is very strong desire for life, for hope.  And no matter what comes my way, I don't give it up.  Even when I want to.  I have even tried to, but I can't.  It just doesn't burn out.  And I'm not talking about my heavenly hope, the anchor of my soul.  No, that's much deeper and richer and can't even wrap my head around it.  I'm talking about the here and now.  In God's oh so very good loving nature, despite Him allowing all the hardship in my life that he has allowed, I haven't given up on this life, and never will.  When I say I'm sick of it, oh believe me, I am.  It has NOT been easy.  But there is a chance for something more.  Maybe I will see the ocean again and just walk and walk and walk the shore for hours some day.  Maybe Jim and I will play a game and laugh again someday.  Maybe we will be able to visit John and Leah or Bob and Carol.  Probably not, but I won't give up hoping for it.  To give up the desire for life, would be for my heart to die.  And I could never succumb to that.  It's just not me.

So, come what may, Jim and I are going to be okay.  We are doing quite well, considering.  So pray for us.  Pray for us hard.  We NEED that.  But, no matter what happens.  No matter what comes.  God is good.  Life is good, and some day when it's all over, and we really start living, well, get out of my way, I'll run you over in the promised land........but until such time, I'm so glad God made me the way He did, so I can deal with the things He felt I needed in my life, to make me what He wants to make me into, which I hope some day, is a reflection of Him.    Thanks Dad.

what we are doing

We have decided to just go with "Jim's hip is broken" rather than the cancer thing.  If we go to the doctor that the orthopedic recommended, it's going to be another, "Well, it's possible.... blah blah blah.  You need a pet scan, blah blah blah...  And we know that Jim can't do anymore chemo or radiation, so why bother.  So, does Jim have bone cancer, who knows?

My wrist is still hurting.  And my sink is still clogged.  Plumber just left and it will cost 350 buckaroos to fix a pipe for an old 50's bathroom.  Makes me sick.  Now, I know 350 doesn't take care of pink tile, but a girl can dream. 

Going to watch Gomer Pyle.

hip update 2

well, we just came back from hopt.  My hand is swollen and hurts, so this is going to be as short as possible.

doc called this morning and said hip was broke.  we went to doc today.  there was a communication snafu between us and the doctor because of the PA's phone call telling us Jim's hip is broke.  The MRI report says there is a break.  The break is not the type of break that requires surgery.  Just complete bed rest and for Jim to stay off of it.  We told that doc that jim's been on it and it doesn't hurt anymore and he said that that just support his view that there is something else going on in that hip, and that it's not broken, despite the MRI report.  He said there is a lot going on in the MRI.  He wants Jim to see another doctor.  He thinks Jim has bone cancer.

so, we don't know what to do.  we go to another doctor for a second opinion, and the doc will say, well, i can see why he wants you to be seen.  I think you should have a pet scan.  And then we schedule a pet scan and then...?????????

Jim couldn't/wouldn't have any treatment, sooo.  I don't know.  I'm so weary from working one handed, but mainly fighting off the enemy.  okay, gotta run.