Done with the NIH

Well, we were to go to the NIH tomorrow, but Jim can't make it. He's done nothing but lay in bed most of the time the past 3 months, with the exception of a few faked attempts at life and shopping trips. He's in too much pain/sickness/depression to make the trip, and quite frankly, I'm too depressed to take him. I heard him tell the lady he doesn't believe that he will be back again. I'm inclined to think that that is true.

I would say that for the most part, we have given up. I'm not sure what that means even. Given up trying, caring, hoping, feeling, waiting, living. It's been that way for a long time, perhaps it's just time to admit it. All I do is work myself to death and feel lonely and disconnected, with no desire or energy to connect, and Jim, well, he lays around sick and in pain. The only thing that brings any satisfaction is bible study and after 10 months of inductive, well, I'm beat with that and need some time off. 3 weeks to go.

Well, I won't be reporting what happened at the NIH, since we aren't going, and nothing is new except for more sickness and pain. So, I think I'll post when something really good happens. I'm thinking you won't be reading for a long time, if ever again. Sigh...

today

Okay, so it's not strep throat. Thrush? Virus? Who knows.

Hey people. The cottage grass needs cut. Bonnie? I know you love it up there, and it's not moldy. Trade you??? Um....I don't think Matt reads the blog, but I know Chrissie tunes in. I know he was interested in hiking with his sons. Trade you? Dry cottage for grass cutting.

Any takers, let me know. I'm handing out keys. Well, sort of. Depends on who you are. :)

This week

he's got strep throat. Next week??? stay tuned....

Tired, overworked, bored, hopeful and Gazza, you're a nut

Hi Everyone:

Everyone. I wonder how many that is these days, too Gaz. I know many read, but don't post, and that's okay. As long as you're reading? ;) I loved your "craving for cheese" comment. Are you serious about coumadin being a rat poison? Geeze, thanks for that.

Well, Jim is in the BR, looking at computer speakers. He must do that for hours on end. He can't read, work...much of anything. He's bored. I'm bored. And yet I'm exhausted. Bible study, laundry, shopping, cooking, bills, gardening, gardening, gardening, double digging, dusting, encouraging, blah blah blah. I'm lonely, and yet not interested in relating much. I'm tired, and yet work my butt off. I'm sad, yet hopeful. ? What is going on with me?

Anyway. Jim is doing fair. He doesn't look good. He hardly got out of bed at all today. Sometimes I think he is dying. I've thought this before and it didn't happen, so that's good. I don't know. I'm in a weird place. And tired. I"m going to bed. Jim still has a hard time breathing, and what we have dubbed the chilly poops. We are losing it. :)

Jim's home

Well, Jim's home. Oh, I said that. Thanks for the prayers and the laughs from your reply to my post.

Jim is now off the heparin (you can breathe now Gaz) and on cumadin(sp?). He might have to be on it forever. Oh happy happy joy joy. And the nurses are coming twice a week to test his level. Happy Happy joy joy. They are a pain in the ( Y ) They come different times, they smell like cigarettes. One is good at taking blood, another will try 3 times. Sigh. Hopefully it's not for another 6 weeks worth. They mess with my.....schedule? No. They mess with me trying to have a schedule. JIM IS THE ONE messing with the schedule.

He shouldn't have come home, but he couldn't get any sleep. And he was waking up shivering and couldn't breathe. He scared the heck out of the nurses. So Jim's diagnosis is that he's not getting enough sleep, so he came home. Well, it happened to him again this morning here at home. He got up, went to the bathroom and started shivering like crazy and then couldn't breath. No, I wasn't scared. Nothing scares me anymore. In fact, I was home myself for the week, and went to bed with the door unlocked and didn't care enough to get up to lock it. Now that is crazy, cause before, I would have been very scared. Nothing moves me anymore.

So, there it is. ????

False alarm on that false alarm

Well, it turns out Jim does have a bloodclot, 2 of them. And one is a doosie. or doozie or...big. One is in his arm from where the pic line was, all the way up to his shoulder. And then one in his lung. So...

?

Possible False Alarm?

One test came back elevated for a blood clot. But there are not true "positives" or "negatives" with this. Or something like that. Anyway, they have him on heparin, and the other tests aren't lighting up as of yet, so it's possible that he doesn't have a blood clot. Or he does. Who the hecker knows.

He'll be fine. God ain't through with me yet.