Reflecting

Hi faithful readers:

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've been struggling with words lately. Still am, but here I go.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. For instance. I have turned 49 a few days ago. Snowed in, I shoveled snow. Not a big deal. I'm not a fan of birthdays really. Not because of age reasons or anything. I just think they are more for kids. I mean, isn't there enough to do in life let alone have to remember everyone that we love's birthday. Maybe it's because I'm so lousy at remembering? Anyway, I remember last year. Take a walk with me. I guess shoveling is a good birthday.

Last year I spent my birthday in tears in the hospital not knowing what was going on. There were the old setons to deal with. And the stem cell transplant was coming soon. I was in and out of the lodge, the dates were changed, and I couldn't go celebrate with Shelley and kids. And she was even going to make me a pie. I was so scared. Jim was so weak. I was scared of many things. Of it not working, of being away from home so long, of my dad dying while I was gone, and on and on it goes.

Let's go back further. The birthday before that, well, John and Leah were here and Jim got out of the hospital from having finally been diagnosed, having a port put in, a bone marrow biopsy, a blood transfusion and his first chemo treatment. I slept on a ratty old cot to be with him. He came home and there was no pie, but he was home. But I was scared.

The year before that. That was the year of Johnny's wedding, Leah's shower, Jim's knee surgery and the beginning of Jim's pain. That birthday was very painful for reasons I care not to go into here, but trust me. IT WAS BAD... Followed by wedding stress, with Jim popping pain pills like candy to try and stay pain free at the wedding. It was scary.

Back to the present... as I think back, I'm amazed to see what God has done in my life. There were so many things I didn't feel I would ever get through, but I did. And the best thing of all...I'm not scared anymore. Maybe I'm too tired to be too scared. :) I don't know. But it's good.

Jim is doing okay. He's troubled by me having to deal with the snow and put the garbage out and all of that, as he wants to be my hero, but it's okay. He is my hero. In so many ways. Hard stuff just points to some changes that we may possibly have to make. The guy we hired to help us with snow removal bailed on us, but thankfully, once again, our church is there loving us like the brothers and sisters they are. Bible study is going well, I have a great bunch of ladies in my class, and I'm even playing bells again. When practice isn't canceled because of snow. My bell teacher, she beat cancer 3 times. Her husband is in his 80's and he sets up and takes down the tables and music and carry's the bells, etc. Amazing folks, and I'm glad to be around them. They encourage me. Jim is searching and trying to find his way still, but he is doing so so so SOOOO well in his mind. And he has been all the way. I praise God for that. I still pray that God would heal his pain.

I was downstairs, and I heard Mercy Me's Almost home, and started balling. That song was being played like crazy on the radio day after day of not being home. It made me think back.

I also think back on Bob and Shelley and the kids, the restaurants I ate at, the stores I shopped at, my favorite bead shop, and even my 30 mile mistake bike ride. It was my home away from home and in some weird way I miss it, but I don't want to go back. My skin just doesn't fit anymore

Well, we go to the NIH in March, and I'm thankful that I haven't had to drive down there throughout this winter. Can't wait for the change of spring. The birds singing of God's love to me.

So, things are good. Even if I do feel weird and struggle with words.

God bless you all
Love me