Today's mindless wanderings

After my last blog post, I once again thought. "Why bother writing." I mean it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. It sounded joyless. And yet I have joy. It sounded unhappy. I am unhappy. I'm tired of sickness and troubles, and not very much sunshine. I'm tired of never catching a break. I mean. I guess it's a good thing that they didn't steal anything in the shed, but if they had, we really wouldn't have cared much. We don't care much these days.

I cried when I left the cottage for a different reason this year.

I used to cry because we were closing it up for the season. And we had so much fun and made so many memories, that it was just sad to me and I was going to miss it.

Last year I cried, because I thought it was the last time I would be there with Jim. (Now, you might say, "See, Dolly, there's a reason to be happy." Well, yeah. Of course, but it's as deep as it is wide, and either I don't communicate well or you don't know me well. Of course I'm glad that my dear husband is alive. I just would be more glad that on the only time we got to go up there ourselves this year, that I hadn't gotten very ill and that Jim didn't have to go into town to buy a lock and me gingerale, etc.)

This year I cried because I wasn't sad at all that we were leaving. In fact, we will probably have to sell the place. (I'll cry then, cause it will break Jim's heart) I hated that I wasn't sad that we were closing the place up. I hated that I wasn't excited about next year's happenings and discoveries. I hated that it just didn't matter. That nothing does matter.

So, anyway, I was going to come up and write again and say, "Hey people, I don't mean to sound like Dolly downer or Gloria grim, but we just kind of exist, and my default setting these days is to try to keep my feelings in numbland.

But that was before I went downstairs and what to my wondering eyes should appear? More sewage coming up in all 3 drains.

So, now I have a basement not finished. The other basement piled up with crap. Crap in the halls that's going to Goodwill cause I can't stand "stuff" anymore, and crap coming up from the ground all over my basement. And, let's not forget a husband with challenged immune system.

I guess I didn't get that insurance fast enough, huh?

Well, I guess it's time for the big guns. I wonder how much this one will cost me, and how much more mess it will make in the basement.

Hopefully now you undestand the "exist" thing. Some of you will DEFINATELY GET THIS. Some of you will THINK I'M NUTS. Some of you, this will make no SENSE.

God is doing something huge and wonderful in all of these trials. It's so big and huge, because they are so big and huge. And I have no idea what it is. And I have no idea what the outcome will be. And I have no idea if it will ever end.

I watched "create" on TV while I was sick, and they were traveling all over PA, the Napa Valley, etc. I saw beautiful oceans and places, birds of Peru, and things I couldn't even dream of. I guess I'll always wonder why some people get that and why some people get what I get. And why some people get things far worse than what I got. It's not a matter of fairness that makes me wonder. That has nothing to do with any of this. I just know that God is sovereign and choses every single thing in everyone's life or choses to allow everything in everyone's life, and so I wonder why.

And I'm okay with it. I really am. It's amazing the ways that I have changed and the things I'm seeing. But something else has changed and it's still not back. I still don't have my smile. Oh, I laugh and smile, but if you know me, that childlikeness, THAT smile. It's been gone very long. I don't even desire it, if it comes with trivialty. (is that a word? it is one now) All that to say this.

I can't help but post things on my blog that sound like life is bleak. It's not bleak, but it's hard. So if you read this and pray, pray for us. My poor dear husband, I see it on his face. The pain of his:

illness, friends that love us, but that have walked on because our life is just too hard, no job, no money issues, no smiles, cottage issues, house issues, spiritual issues, and him worrying about me are taking its toll. So, please pray for us.

When I told Jim why I was sad as we were leaving, he said. "Honey, it's not that. It's that you don't have any hope in anything here." And he's right. That's the sadest thing of all.

I AM BIG TIME PUMPED for heaven and for what all of our hope should be anchored in, our life with our father, in our true home.

I do miss though, the joy of the little stuff. Pray that that comes back to us as well. I think God wants us to have that.
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