Today Jim's malady is SWOLLEN FEET AND LEGS.
When he went up in Methadone a few weeks ago because of pain, we noticed a bit more of water gain in his feet. We mentioned it to the docs, but they just kind of hmmm hawed that one away. We go to the doctors with a list of problems, and they only kind of quasi deal with one or two issues, and the other get brushed aside. I understand why, but...this is my DH, and well, we drive 4.5 hours, to give us an ear, people. But anyway, Jim found out through research that Methadone can cause some very bad edema. So, he's lowering the dose...which means less edema, but more pain.
Dear Lord, please make it end. I really can't bear it anymore.....
I really could not do justice to describing how odd, different, sad life is right now. My house, hair, nails, friendships, communication, nerves, money situation, hope, desires, dreams, goals, outlook, etc. etc. are the pits.
I know the Hebrews hope stuff and all the churchianity, fluff and truth in regards to our situation, about who God is, and who we are in Him, and eternal rewards (well, that's a bit confusing) and eternity, and how this life is a vapor, etc., but I hear of someone's trip to the ocean, or ...wow, their ability to concentrate enough to read a good book or the ability to go to a movie (not that I'm missing anything there) and well, to be quite honest, I sometimes think I'm feeling self pity, but that's not it. I think on camping trips, dinner dates, vacations, having the money to finish the many projects on the house, bike riding, taking a walk with the your husband, seeing my son regularly, laughing with friends, or even having more than one friend who calls me (they're all gone these days) anymore, musicals, daytrips to Erie, etc., and well, I feel very very sad and lonely. What is that? besides pathetic. And why am I talking to myself here. What the same 3 people reading? It's all so very pathetic.
7 comments:
Jim & Gloria:
There are really no words of comfort we can offer... although I understand, somewhat, what you are experiencing... after 11 years of Sam's chronic leg pain I know how it feels like you just want things to be normal again. Sam used to tell me, "This is our new normal." Eventually, we came to grips with the change... I don't know if you will be able to do that given the severity of the situation, but there were a lot of ups and downs in our situation before we were able to adjust to our new normal - and then the cancer hit and it was another adjustment.
You are not alone, you feel alone. I think there is a difference - and as for friends calling, I'm guessing people were giving you space, based on some of your posts when Jim first came home from the NIH? I think it would be helpful if you clarified the boundaries of what you can handle in regard to calls and visits. We would love to visit, but weren't sure if you were open to that.
Still praying & loving you guys.
Sam & Maddy
Hi dear one,
I read your post this morning as I was reading Job! How appropriate!
I would echo Maddy's request for an understanding of what you want and what you don't want from your friends. I woke up this morning in a lot of emotional pain (family) and wanted to write to you like I used to do, but of course didn't. I really never know what you want or need. Should I call??? Or are you too busy? Should I write??? or are you too busy?
Maybe the answer is that you are too busy but wish you weren't and are feeling so alone because your circumstance is alienating you from your friends which cannot be helped??? Not sure but that would be my guess.
Maybe in these times of silence you need to know that we think of you ALL THE TIME and love you more than ever. Some times silence communicates lack of love but in reality it is KILLING me to be silent! I love you and desperatly miss our communication and friendship. But please know it is always there and never ever will go away.
all my love
Rachel
May you be showered with the love of friends this week sweet Gloria. Still reading, still praying, still missing you.
Love,
Amy
Hey,
I'm a couple days behind, but I thought I'd let you know there's at least 4 of us following :-).
I'm here...and willing to talk amidst the chaos whenever possible...the kids will be starting school soon, and then I'll have at least two mornings/week with only one miniature person...would love to spend some phone/face time with you when you're able.
Thinking of you tonight and looking forward to Bible Study this fall, oh great facilitator lady! (I'll try not to fly too many paper airplanes when you're up front" :-)
Love you,
K
P.S. On a more serious note, we will continue to pray for pain issues and less swelling.
Okay, I've officially lost all brain power...apparently I'm not a couple days behind...today's just Friday...duh...
Too much nursing and too little sleeping! ;-)
P.S. How's that precious great-nephew of yours doing?
Maddy:
It's amazing the things some people go through, huh? Well, you do certainly know, as well as Sam, about pain, and I'm sorry for that.
You know, Maddy about that "space" that I mentioned about 3 or 4 months ago. That was really to protect Jim and me for a few weeks from being bombarded, yes, because I know many people love us and would want to see us. But it was also more to protect ourselves emotionally as well. Some friends in our lives whom we loved very much, for whatever reason, physically and emotionally pulled away from us, long before we ever came home. I'm not sure why. At the time we were very hurt and saddened by it. It's quite confusing to be in that hard place and to have that happen. We figured if we said, "stay away" we wouldn't be hurt by their actual staying away. Pretty sick, huh? I've processed through that and really have come to a very nicely balanced place about it. People are busy, have their own lives and family, some can't handle the pain, some are getting too old, etc.
Amazingly, God has brought others close to us though, and that has been comforting. I think as you said, I was feeling lonely, rather than feeling alone. Big distinction.
If anyone has wanted to come, they've called and stopped over, friends and family, and you certainly are welcome as well.
I've written several blogs about people over on the 4th and this person or that person coming. Everyone knows Jim doesn't have lots of stamina, but we're up for a visit here and there. I think it's because you and I were just starting to get to know each other before we left that you and I somehow missed each other in passing. You call any time. Bye the way, did you get my message about Starlight and being at your house many years ago? I never heard from you.
Rachel:
I can't believe you didn't write to me. A few weeks ago...or maybe longer we were back to that type of e-mailing and then it just stopped. Actually YOU ARE NEVER HOME. First it was Philly. Then you went camping with your family. Then you went camping with your Sister, and before that it was voice lessons and singing in the ministry, etc. All of a sudden you have a life. HOW DARE YOU!!!! ;)
I know you love me. My goodness. It's there like the air that I breathe. :) I have to tell you though. I love/hate Facebook. I sign on, read what you wrote, and the don't write to you. I figure I know what she's doing. Here's what I'm doing. NOTHING. Driving Jim to the doctors. Visiting my dad. Working, working, working. Driving to the NIH. Oh, I know. I GOT TO GO TO THE DOCTORS. Gyny and Mammogram. Oh, and I have to make an appt. for a colonoscopy. LOL. Too funny.
Actually, get this. I'm leading a woman's Kay Arthur precept upon precept inductive bible study, Starting Sept. 21. I'll write you about that. Can you believe it? Am I nuts? Yep. BUT. It's the first thing I have been excited about since Jim's clean PET scan. :) I'll write you about that. I love you my dear friend.
Dear sweet Amy:
I love you and your kindness. I love seeing the pictures of you and your family on facebook. You're husband is a hoot with his gyro. I have to tell you. Marathon Deli in College Park has the best gyro I've ever eaten, but I guess that's still a bit of a drive from Richmond. I sure miss seeing you at church.
Kristen, I would love to come and get some Matthew Joe time in on a school day. I can't believe your two little ones will be gone for 2 mornings a week. You must be so sad about that. ;)
Paper airplane, huh? You had better not even THINK of throwing a paper airplane at me, girly. I'm bringing a ruler and I know how to use it (Catholic school) And I won't give you a star if you get your homework done.
:-P~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't believe I'm doing it. I'm so excited though. Pretty scared about standing up there in front of all you women. So far I think there are 16 signed up, and it's going in the bulletin and online and powerpoint this week. YIKES!!! I'll miss sitting with you. :( (making sarcastic statements.) Hey, we can say them outloud now? The flavor of the class will be different. Maybe I'll throw an airplane at you. :)
Okay, my dear friends here, old and new, thanks for your faithfulness since I've known you. You have been God's beautiful gift to me.
I love you guyses.
Gloria
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