Fighting

It makes no sense to me at all. Life is still very hard. Some stuff hard, some stuff silly. Like my windshield wipers are broken, and I drove in the pouring rain turning them on and off, barely seeing out the window, while I was on the phone fighting with my insurance DEATH AMERICA so that I could have a perscription filled, which they wouldn't do, and now the windshield is scratched, and I still have no meds or windshield that works and blah blah blah blah....but this kind of stuff is my normal life. Big time, Jim is still cancer free. He has no GVHD in his eyes as feared. His GVHD is just there enough to make a good transplant, but not bad enough to make him real sick. We may actuallhy be able to come home in 2 weeks, and yet I'm closer and closer to sliding down that slippery slope towards depression.

I'm sooooooooooo very homesick...and yet...I'm terrified of coming home, of the work. I'm worn out. I am plum WORN OUT. I don't want to blog, do e-mail. Forget Facebook. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk on the phone. Etc. Etc.

I would think I would be celebrating. Instead I'm fighting off depression. It doesn't help that it has done nothing but rain for....I would say with the exception of 3 days, the whole time I've been here. And it's been grayer than Pittsburgh...if that's possible. I've also felt the loss of intimacy and such with other women in my life, as I am now on my 6th month of being away from home. And yet now, I don't even want to talk to anyone really. I could go on and on. You get my point...maybe.

Jim is doing okay. He's still in lots of pain with the neuropathy. This causes him to be down. He talks of grand things, and yet can barely walk. It's all so very sad. He's had to go up in pain pills. This helps him feel better, but it's the opposite of "normal life" and to me it's the promise of more of what we've had. I can't even go on. So if you're reading this, please pray for me. I feel like giving up, and yet don't even know what that means.

I guess I dream of blue water and white sand on a small island, and no one else on it, but me.

Last night I had a headache and it woke me up. I woke up and saw shadows on the ceiling and walls. I said to Jim. Stop making those shadows. (I could have been dreaming) He said he wasn't, and I thought I was having a visual migraine. Jim gave me some aspirin and then he started praying for me. It really felt like for a second my spiritual glasses were on and I could see spiritual warfare going on. What were those shadows...hmmmm. I immediately started to feel better and went back to sleep. But as the day goes on, I find myself fighting again. So, please cover me in prayer. Cover us.