Fiddler on the Roof

If you know me, you know I love the movie/musical Fiddler on the Roof.

Today I feel like Tevye when his horse goes lame and he asks God, "Now, was that necessary so close to the Sabbath?" I too, was so close to a rest.

Or perhaps this quote is apropos.

"I know we are the chosen people, but once in a while, can't you chose someone else."

It is 7:20, and Jim just started to get his second unit of blood. There were all kinds of missteps, snafu's, etc. The port wouldn't work. They had to retype Jim's blood because since the stem cell transplant, he might not be the same type. Bob's type is "normal" out there, but in here it's type A minor with a D trend...or some weird thing. Then Jim's blood kept clotting. And they ordered more blood tests. And the nurse forgot to answer a page...

I had 2 hours of sleep last night. My ankles are swollen and killing me, and if I get out of here at 10:00 p.m. I'll consider myself blessed.

So, I ask, God, was this necessary? I asked Him and am resting in knowing that "yeah, obviously so." And I try to see him as so kind and gentle and loving rather than seeing Him smiting me or laughing at my expense pushing pushing pushing me until...what? I succeeded in believing the voice of truth, that He is kind and gentle and loving. I succeeded in resting in that truth today better than I ever have in my life, "...for power is perfected in weakness" I guess. (His power, not mine)

However I wonder if perhaps God isn't wanting me home rather than Jim. Seriously. I feel dead.

How am I so filled with Him and love for Him and desire for Him and yet feel so empty, so very empty? I guess that's why I asked, "Now, God, was that necessary...