First, Judi, Junie, Kim and Chrissie, I responded to your posts in the last blog.
Well, Tom called Jim, and that got him a bit motivated. So he ate about 400 calories and took a walk. He's still spiking a temp, but when I left him, he was resting well. The walk wore him out. He walked about 200 feet probably, give or take a few.
On the way back to the Lodge, I called Tom and we chatted a moment, and I was struggling because I told Tom that I didn't know what was happening to me, that I wasn't able to feel compassion for Jim, that about the only thing that I could possibly conjure up was a little bit of anger...not even too much of that either.
I am so black or white, all or nothing. That feeling was just for today, and I end up thinking that it categorizes me as a whole. Well, it doesn't. In bed an hour ago, I let some tears loose, and as I thought of things, more tears feel, and I realized that if I allow myself to feel the pain or suffering that Jim has gone through, that I feel like I'm going to die. So, I must shut it off to continue to survive this, to continue to walk this, to continue to serve Jim in this. It KILLS ME when I even think of what my Jumbo looked like as his ravaged body struggled to walk 200 feet. My herculean husband, now walking with a walker and a wheel chair behind him, in case he falls. I can't bear it. And now I can't stop crying. I guess if I were to be talking to Tom right now I would be saying, "I can't handle this, Tom. It hurts so bad...."
I think the "not trusting your emotions" book by James Dobson was probably one of the very first books that I ever read. It's amazing how one can forget things.
Well, Jim will probably need more blood and platelets tomorrow. Jim's next round of chemo is due in 9 days, and he's still natering after the last one. I have no idea what is going to happen. I have to be out of the lodge on Wednesday morn, I believe. Pray that I have the energy to pack up. I can go to Bob and Shelly's. I can stay with Jessie (Mary Jo, make sure you tell Jess, I got her message. I just didn't have enough time to call back) I was thinking of even going home, if John came down. Or I could sleep on a sofa bed at the hospital. I can come back to the lodge 5 nights later. So....well, don't worry about me. I'll be okay. And eventually so will Jim, one way or another. This insanity will end, could be in a day, could be in 25 years. I guess it doesn't really matter. We know who wins in the end. Jesus, and those of us in him. Because we all will eventually enter our rest. Praise God.
5 comments:
Loving you late at night. Joe is on a trip again so I watched nonstop Hallmark channel tonight-christmas shows. I wish I could do anything to stop the pain; it seems so crazy and hurts so badly. We are all praying. Why Jesus is allowing this-while there is pain there is still life. I'm glad you got Jess's message. I know she means it. She has a lovely heart shaped by Jesus. I love this scripture. Tonight when I was out with Tucky for the last time and looked up into the cold winter sky with an almost 1/2 moon I thought of Him"The eternal God is thy refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms". I'm praying you sense those wonderful arms around you tonight. LOVE,MJB
Dear Friend,
I want you to know that your "feelings" are totally normal. And of course we don't live by our feelings. Gary has been teaching me this our entire marriage. We judge everything by truth and allow our emotions to follow but emotoins never lead us because they will always be extremely fickel and blown by the wind.
But..........on the feeling side I can relate. There is so much blame and anger with pain. So many times, even when logically I knew that Gary did nothing to get laid off or to make a company fold (what could he possibly do to make a company go bankrupt?) but I was still angry and had blame hidden in my heart toward him! I never showed it outwardly. How could I trash my unemployed and hurting husband? yet inwardly it was there festering like an uncared for wound. Just this summer have I begun to deal with those hidden ugly emotions. These things appear legitamatly but when I didn't deal with them they became sin. I've done a lot of repenting for the anger and blame against Gary for doing nothing at all wrong. It just seems that in the flesh, our human self has to blame someone when we are in intense pain, even if it is our unemployed husband or our husband lying in the hospital. Blame and anger go hand in hand. I think they are very normal for the human condition. Don't beat yourself up for them because no matter how wonderful Jim is as a husband you are going through hell and you are needing to feel that anger towards someone, anyone, even if it is someone you love.
Well I love you. I have to run!
All my love AND PRAYERS!
Rach
Goodmorning Sister, Did you rest well if not in sleep but in God's arms. Maybe you laid there thinking of your Jumbo stroking your head.
Remember the time we did the Waltons saying goodnite over and over then I pull out the harmonica and did that last note.
and then we couldnt stop laughing.
Just some thoughts came to mind.
"emtions" well you know where Mark is stuffing his just asking about the house getting deocrated.
I pray that God replaces all those emotions of fear, anxiousness and disappointment with peace,love and strength.
Give Jim our love. We love you and miss you both.
Ask that Jimbo to take some sips for me too, and give yourself a hug from us in between sips. If he takes a step for each of his family members (neices and nephews included) friends and all the people praying, he could walk home! Loving you guys and carrying you with each breadth and prayer.
Tom and Judy
Hi Gloria:
I have been meaning to email you. When I read the post the someone from the church had sent you a care package, I was delighted. Earlier that same day I was thinking that something like that should be organized and I was beaten to the punch. Last night we got a visit from some church carolers and it really lifted our spirts. I wish I could drive down there and be with you. You are in my heart always.
I think I understand how you feel about need to shut off your feelings to survive this. I felt that way in the beginning and still do once in a while, but for the most part I have come to a resting place where I try to live only in the moment or day. I pray that you can do that too.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are real. It's how you choose to deal with them that matters. You taught me that in one of your early posts. Remember, it's when you hold it in that that's when the guilt comes. You are not expected to be perfect but you are perfected in Jesus.
No one should have to go through what you and Jim are living through. It is a tragedy. We continue to lift you up before the throne.
Blessings to you both,
Maddy and Sam
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