In my last post I wrote:
I'm scared they will release him unto my care. Terrified. Not in the "sinful, not trusting Jesus" way, but in the "oh boy, I'm going to really have to trust Jesus" sort of way. Does that make sense?
RACH, HELP.....TELL THEM WHAT I MEAN. LOL.
Rachel is my defogger. She takes my rambling from my head and gives them heart words. :)
Seriously, I thought about this. (should have prayed instead) My scared and terrified feelings aren't in the sinful way of not trusting Jesus, as I said. I think what it is is this. When Jesus was in the garden, asking for intercessory prayer from his sleeping pals, (I have better friends than He did, I think...you guys aren't sleeping are you?) when he was starting to sweat blood, when he knew what was coming before him, it's not that he didn't trust his Dad. He knew it would be hard and wanted that cup of suffering to pass. It was his human side not wanting to have to walk ANY of the way to the cross. Like Jesus, I wasn't made for a world of sickness and sin (or torture). Oh, I was born here, and Jesus came here to redeem me, so yeah, we're both visitors, but we weren't born for it. So I liken my fears and being terrified of today, not to the sin of fear, but to the obedience of the path that God has called me to walk. KNOWING I TRUST HIM TOTALLY. But knowing that sometimes that path is terrifying because I wasn't created to walk down it. I'm glad he's holding my hand though.
Okay, I'm still not doing it justice. I have no time to ponder. Isn't that something. I have hours at the hospital, and yet not time. I should have brought my journal. I'll get some paper and write today maybe. This blog has kind of been like a journal, but I hate that someone reads it if they don't understand that the thought has not been fully worked out and its' just the beginning of the process. There is always THE REST OF THE STORY.
Paul Harvey...g'day
3 comments:
Dearest Friend,
Funny you mentioned me because I do know exactly the feelings that you are talking about. I don't think I could explain them any better than you already did. I don't know that it is a matter of explanation but a matter of experience. If someone hasn’t experienced this type of suffering, no amount of words can make a heart understand what the heart, soul, and body has not experienced.
When Gary and I had no job, no money, and no place to live in California, yet God said to GO! We were terrified, and as you said, it was fear of the pain of the flesh. We knew that we were in for a hideous ride -and we were! I think the “sin” fear is when God has promised us personally that everything will work out beautifully and we still walk in fear that he won’t be true to his word to us. But the Jesus kind of fear is when God promises a cross and our humanness cries out, “NO! PLEASE NO! NOT THE AGONY of THE CROSS! Please God if there is any other way let this cup pass from me!” We are submitted to God but we know what lies ahead is going to hurt and it is inhuman to not fear pain and suffering. I think it’s even “ungodly” to not fear pain and suffering because Jesus feared it and he was God! Now that’s a thought to ponder all night!
I think most times for Gary and me, it has been this fear of suffering that we have felt. God has told us many times that we could expect the cross. And not a cross of losing our favorite sweater (like a rich friend once complained about as “her cross to bear”) or that our desired resort hotel at Disney was filled up and we had to stay at another resort hotel that wasn’t as much to our liking. No I’m talking intense suffering where we have lost everything dear to us and walked in the utter darkness of the cross, even to the point of crying out, “My God my God why have you forsaken me!” When God has led Gary and me into those times of suffering, he has given us glimpses ahead of time what was to come, and our humanness cried out in fear and repulsion of the cross. “Please God take this cup from me!”
Anyway, you said you didn’t think you did the explanation justice but I think you explained it beautifully. You said word for word what someone who is walking with her cross on her back feels. When Jesus said, “Take up your cross and follow me”. It wasn’t lighthearted words like we in American view them. It was, “Take up your intense agonizing suffering and follow me!” (You don’t hear that at many churches!) What you wrote described it perfectly and I couldn’t possibly add to your eloquent words! I love you!
I also realize that suffering makes a person compassionate to any and all suffering despite the specifics of what it is. Last year I road to our church’s ladies Bible study with a lady whose husband had just died. When I was young and single I would have been anxious for the car ride to be over and kind of rolling my eyes out the window as we drove along. But at this point in my life, after ten years of intense suffering, I asked to see her husband’s grave and went with her on the day the headstone was put on to see it’s beauty. She and I developed a close relationship because I listened to her and I cared for her. What shocked me in all of that is the fact that I’ve had very little experience with comforting those who grieve or walking through the pain of death myself. It was a very interesting revelation for me to see that suffering brings a truck load of compassion what ever flavor the compassion is needed.
Anyway, that story is beside the point. But it just meant a lot to me last year to see the incredible change in me, even though our suffering had nothing to do with the death of a spouse.
Well, I have to go for now. My prayers and love are with you every moment.
Rach
"Oh God be exulted over my possessions. Nothing of earth's treasures shall seem dear to me if only you are glorified in my life. Be exulted over my friendships. I am determined that you shall be above all, though I must stand deserted and alone. Be exulted over my comforts. Be exulted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please you even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name forgotten as a dream. Rise, Oh Lord, into your place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health, and even life itself. Let me decrease that you may increase, let me sink that you may rise above. Ride forth upon me as you did ride into Jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to you, "Hosanna in the highest." A W. Tozer
Sister I know exactlly what you do when we shop together and walls close in for you. As for your scared thing I may know that too because of Mommy, always thankful for MJ giving me a break cause hospice sure didnt. As for Larry. Humming? Oh let me at Larry! Right? Jimbo! I can do a "Hum"digger on Larry!
No here is asleep at the praying wheel. Keep telling us what you need and I pass it on.
Going to see Daddio they called for meds and I miss him, I'll send him your love.
I Love You and Jim
Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.
Yeah...what Rachel said. :) You did add, and thanks. I remember a friend who told a story about their cell group. All the young moms were whining about the diapers and lack of sleep. He got frustrated with their immaturity and said, "yeah, well, wait until they're teenagers." The problem with his thinking was that they needed to grow and mature by way of the diapers and lack of sleep or they wouldn't have been able to handle the teenage years.
I don't know how it relates, but it does somehow.
Sister, I forgot all about your "HUMdingers" I'll have to tell Jim that will get a chuckle out of him.
Love you both
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