Sad and Stuffed

Just got off the phone with my dear husband. He has a cold, too. I haven't seen him for 2 days now because I am sick. I miss him so badly. And it feels terrible. And it's just a taste of the future. Just a tiny little taste.

In today's mail, I got the deed for our burial plot. I didn't open it.

I talked on the phone with Jim, and he and the doc had a nice long talk. The water in his legs is caused by many things, and there isn't too much they can do about it. The cancer is just starting to take it's toll. The bottom line is my precious dear husband is running out of time, and there isn't a darn thing we can do about it. We both believe God can still heal him. But neither of us believe that He will. I think of proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick. We're not giving up. We're just looking at some very large writing on the wall. Our hope has been deferred for quite a while. Our hearts are sick.

Tomorrow, Jim will be filling out a living will/advance directive so that they won't give him dialysis, should these tumors block off both ureters. Him and his doc talked about this. The doctor has no way of knowing how Jim will die, or how painful it will be, or how soon, and we do not want to do anything big so that he can have another week to live. I think the "this radiation could even slow it down so you have more time together" talk with the doctor was a bit of pie in the sky for me. On our last visit in him office, he hugged us both. Jim and I both knew that was the "I'm sorry" hug. The real hope is that the radiation will take away some of the pain so that the cancer will end his life without excruciating pain. Tonight Jim said, he's not afraid of the pain. He's afraid of what him dying in pain will do to me. He'll worry about me right up to the end. Yeah. I didn't have the heart to tell him that me living without him will be so painful that just the thought of it takes my breath away.

Forever faithful to the end, our insurance company continues to bless us with their care. Our doc gave Jim an air mattress at the hopt., and it has really helped Jim. It's been so comfortable for him in the kidney area. As part of Jim's home care, Jim asked if he could get that same bed. If I wasn't so sad, I would laugh. Well, not only will our insurance not pay for that bed, but the hospital bed that they would give him is the bottom-line bed that cranks by hand that the hospitals don't even use anymore. Thanks Death America.

Jim's spirits were really up today. A nurse at the hospital that never got to treat him really, but has filled in a time or two, came and visited with him, so they could praise the Lord together. She thought he was a Christian. Jim was glad that someone could see that. She goes to a biker church. That's pretty cool, because Jim said at another time in his life, he may have judged her by that, rather than enjoyed some time sitting and praying and worshipping with a sister in the Lord. Growing right to the end. When Tom visited him, they talked about hope, and Tom encouraged Jim in that as well.

I am proud of Jim. As he gets weaker and weaker, I still lean on him. He's a rock, and always has been in our marriage and I continue to lean on him. I am very proud of him and honored to be married to such a man.

Keep praying for us.

Gloria