Dr Visit

Well, we're home. We took a nice nap until the phone woke us up, but it was nice. Not something that we get to enjoy together too often.

Doc said, Jim should get an MRI to see if the new growth is pressing on somewhere along the spine, causing the numbness and extra constipation. If that were the case, they could give him radiation to help him with pain. He wanted Jim to go into the hopt. to get the MRI and possibly start the radiation that way, but Jim just didn't want to go into the hopt. I wish he had, because things are done faster and such, but he's been through so much, I want to do whatever it is he wants to do, even if it's not the best for him. He's been in the hopt. 14 times. I understand.

We're not even sure that they could radiate anything, or whether Jim would be able to withstand lying on the table to get radiation, or....??? So, who knoews. If there is something growing there, it could cause Jim to become paralyzed. I think this is going to be nastier than I ever thought it would be. There is also a chemo drip that they can give that could possibly make the tumors smaller, but it's unlikely since the big dogs didn't do the trick.

Jim has upped his Oxycontin. This already has him feeling more relaxed.

We are now in official "palliative care" with hospice on its way.

It's by God's mercy that I can get through each hour of this. I can barely breathe now. When Jim dies, a big part of me will go with him.

There's all this talk of, "but God will use you...." You know, yeah, he probably will, despite myself. God doesn't "need" to use any of us. He can raise up children of Abraham from a rock.

If God "needed" us, he wouldn't be taking Jim. Jim's character and depth and growth in the Lord and what he has to give is amazing. Our marriage is amazing and could be a testimony to many...if he were alive. I think this is just life. 100 years from now, we'll all be gone, and whether we were President of the US or a single mom of one, some of us might be remembered in a book, but there will be no one here who has great love for us. So, we wouldn't even want to be here, because without love, what is there?

So, a big part of me will go with Jim. Cause that's where my great love will be.

And that's okay with me. I would rather be no place than with Jim. Him and the Trinity. Too bad I won't experience that Trinity part a bit sooner.

Our Oncologist gave us both a hug today. And that made Jim cry. How wonderful to have a doctor who cares. I noticed water in his eyes a bit. He feels so bad for us. Heck, we feel so bad for us.

Jim said, he wishes he could do just one more thing, like go up to the cottage next weekend and see the leaves. Maybe you could pray that somehow we would get up there to do that. When we got home from the doc's office, Jim puked (sorry Sherry) so the drive up there would be tough. I don't think it will happen. I guess I'm just feeling desperate to give my dear husband anything he can to give him joy.

Meanwhile, before who knows how long, he'll be casting down his LAST BURDEN EVER to hear, "good job, my faithful servant." What scares me is I won't have Jim, who does for me, what it is I do for him.

Just sharing the facts here. And my heart. No pity wanted. Not interested. Prayers yes. Pity no. I don't feel sorry for myself. I have had 12 years of what some people never have in their lifetime, and I thank you, God. I praise you for it. Thank you Jesus. I have never been so loved in my life. Jim has taught me so many wonderful things, and he made me a Baldauff. It's pretty awesome being a Baldauff. I have a wonderful family who loves me. So, it's okay. Hard, but okay.

God Bless you all
Us