Home Alone 9

Hi everyone:

Well, Jim is on day 2 or 3??? of his new chemo regimen. It's called ESHAP for those interested. He will be in the hospital having this chemo infused, 24 hours for 5 days.

Many have asked about visiting Jim, and I want you to know that he is up for visitors at the hospital and at home. You can go anytime to the hospital. They're not strict about visiting hours. He'll probably be home by Monday. Here at home, just call, when you want to visit, just so I know. This way I won't scare you and be running about the yard in my bathing suit with muddy hands gardening. (actually I probably still will be, but I can hose off before you come.) Jim may have to stay in bed during your visit, or he may be up and moving, we're not sure, but he doesn't mind if you don't and he would love to see you.

I can hardly stand to think about this poison going into my dear husband again. It kills me. A month ago we were thinking how we would be up the cottage for a vacation, after a year of pain for Jim, and hard work for me. And he would be back to work in July. To be here at this place with all the uncertainties and watching this drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip going into Jim is like something I have never imagined.

And this goes on over and over and over in the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every day who have cancer. Not to mention children with cancer. And what about other types of pain. Like children dying or being abused. The pain of divorce. Other diseases, and loneliness and fires that destroy homes and family and earthquakes and floods and alcoholism, starvation and Africa's homeless children with AIDS, and what of the sadness of children whose parents are in prison, and paralyzed people who are lonely for love. What of everyone in the world who really all they want and need is a deep abiding love, but are too proud, confused or to hurt to admit it and seek it out. Or what of those who seek it out the wrong way? What of the fear in my Father's eyes when he can't communicate his thoughts because of Alzheimer's Disease? and on and on and on and on....drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.... I can't bear it anymore. I can't even stand to see a deer dead on the side of the road. Jim always tells me they're just sleeping. It's a little game we play. However, I really try and think they are sleeping, cause it's just too sad. There is sooooooo much pain in this world. Amazingly through this illness, I seemed to have developed a softer heart and more compassion for people in pain. That terrifies me. What am I going to do with that? I'll end up like....like....like Judy. (LOL to you Gudy, you know who you are...actually this little joke was to make you laugh cause you're probably already crying.) Despite this feeling of not being able to handle it, God seems to pour out even more. I don't get it. It's all too much. It always has been. And yes through the years, God continued to reveal his love to me.

This past year, more than ever in my life, without us even knowing that this nasty cancer was in Jim making him weak, he became more strong than ever, and I was glad to have the hand of this strong man to hold onto for the rest of my days. He has reflected Jesus' love to me more perfect than anyone ever has in my history. That's the way it is to be. That's the job God called Jim to. Jim is to love me like Christ loves the church. He would die 20 deaths for me...without thinking twice. So, the way I'm seeing it is like this. I'm not really getting stronger. I'm getting softer. And Jim's getting stronger. So, he has to stay around for a long time yet. Cause I need him.

So, I'm looking forward to holding my Jumbo's hand and him telling me that that bad dog on the side of the road is just sleeping.

Okay...I'm rambling my confusion. I'm feeling out loud. Time to veg and eat chocolate.

But all of that was just to say this:

Our God IS a Great God to be able to contain the incredible pain of this world and to feel our pain and hold us in the palm of His hand and to know the numbers of our tears. Not just me. He holds the pain and grief and the lives of million of his children in his hand as well. And He watches them go through this pain over and over and over. And yes, He allows it. Some would say that type of God is impotant or sadistic. I say He's GREAT because of it. Yeah, he's great because he's made the trees and the stars, and DNA, yes.

But there is another thing about God that is amazing that I have never thought about in this way, and it's this: For 6000 years (yes, I'm a young earth believer) or so he has loved His creation that he made in His image, with a love that we can't even begin to feel. And we have turned our back on Him with every type of insult. Adam and Eve and the rest of us. And this sin was so catastrophic that it changed everything. It wasn't a simple...."sin entered the world" It was catastrophic. It wreaked havoc and has been for 6000 years. That sin is responsible for every single nasty thing that has ever happened...yuk. And God, being all seeing and all knowing has seen and knows all of these sins and their offspring (drip drip drips, ) and has beared all of this on His body physically and it hasn't killed him from the weight of it. (I'm not talking about the cross here. He chose that out of love.) I'm talking about the weight of the world.

Now, you're probably thinking.... what? what the heck is she talking about? But wait. Take your worse pain ever and multiply it by a gazillion. Could you continue? Could you breathe still? Would you want to? God does. That is amazing. I don't know how He does it. I can't bear to think about the next 4 weeks and hearing the doctor's verdict of how it goes for Jim.

I thought I was done, but I have one more thing. But one day God is going to say enough is enough, and he's going to end all the pain and the evil of this world, and I am sooooooooo glad I'm His darling daughter and that He will delight in me, and I in Him for eternity. For those who don't choose living in Him now. Oh my. They will choose to bear an eternity of drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip.....

Thank you Lord for my temporary pain and for my eternity of something that is SOOOOOOO GRAND that I can't even give a name to it.

If you are reading this and not certain were you would spend eternity, you can e-mail me and I'll call you and we can talk. We can talk about the One who gives me hope despite all the drips. And I love you and wouldn't want you to choose an eternity of drips because you have been confused by the world, the ruler of this world, religion, etc. You can have the same hope too. IT'S REAL and IT'S BEAUTIFUL. Just e-mail me.

Now where's that chocolate.

Gloria