Greetings Everyone:
Well, Jim has had and survived his 4th Chemo treatment and is doing well. In two weeks he will have another CT scan to make sure everything is good and to check on that one lymph node and his swollen spleen. He also is tolerating the Chemo regiment much better than he has the previous times. Who knows why? Who cares? I'm just glad that's true.
He is also pushing himself to do more so that he can get stronger. He has a way to go yet, that's fer sher, but it's so great to see him off all those meds and on the other side of the slope.
I'm still sick, and Jim now has bronchitis, too. We are dueling coughers. His has just started and he goes to the doc today. Hopefully this won't land him in the hospital.
Anyway, it feels great to be "over the hump" and to only have 2 more treatments to go. Thank you Lord.
I'm still scared though for several reasons, I have heard several cases over the few weeks of people's cancer who has returned. My friend's husband, Arlen Specter, etc. I can't imagine going through this twice and yet people do. My dad continues to be a source of energy zapping, as it's always something new with him. It's without end there, plus I still fear for his salvation, and struggle with guilt like I should be doing more...like that is even possible. Ahhhh, guilt...the gift that keeps on giving...a women's not-so-best friend. Oh, when we feel it, we'll run with confidence to God's throne for mercy, but once the "feeling valve" is turned on, oh boy, it's guilt-runamuck. We are also down to half pay now, and we'll be okay, but it will hurt and pinch, and with the price of gas, well....
I guess I could put all my concerns under one umbrella, but I know that won't stop the storm. That umbrella would be called "debts paid." I once thought that if I went through enough pain in life, then at this point in my life, I had now paid my dues. Oh, there might be a few things here and there, and certainly we have to die, but we'll have a great life together, serving Jesus, and enjoying the life God gave us....finally. (what debts were I trying to pay off anyway...hmmm) Now, I'm not talking material possessions and great vacations to blue-watered islands, like some people get... just a nice little life. First, I have to have a sleep study, a mammogram and surgery to have my saliva gland removed. But I was/am wrong. It just may be a struggle until the end. I think of a line from the movie Groundhog Day. "Why should tomorrow be any different? It wasn't today. "
I don't say all this for a pity party. I know other's have it worse. It's not about that. It's just so that I can remember that we live on the other side of Eden with the thorns and the weeds, and something better is coming....and the hope of it HAS to be the anchor of my soul, and if you are reading this, and you've not been blessed with a life of "blue watered islands" and "better tomorrows" or even the opportunity to "serve Jesus the way you've always longed to" then think on this:
Spring comes around every year, and the lilacs smell heavenly. Babies momentarily take away all pain (especially my Honeybee) (let's not mention that they grown up and become teenagers), chocolate is delicious, and there's always fishing in the sun or whatever you like that's little and makes you smile for a while, but when it's all over, and I've accomplished nothing I wanted to, and I've not been Billy Graham to even one person, and the only jewels in my crown may be the jewel of endurance, jewels of hanging in there, jewels of keeping the faith, jewels of pressing on, jewels of maintaining my faith and trust in Jesus our Lord and Savior, not with "joy joy joy joy, where?, down in my heart, but with my toe stuck in the dirt from kicking it so hard, I pray, like the little drummer boy, that the gift I bring is pleasing to him, that my crown filled with jewels of "just barely making it" blesses him as I cast that crown before Him some day. As of now, it's all I have to give.
Trusting in Him
Gloria
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