don't read if you don't want to hear whining...

Hi Air:

I mean, it's not like I'm really talking to anyone. I know there are you out there reading and praying, but it's sort of like not real. Like my sister is picking my tomatoes and broccoli, despite me planting them. They're mine, but I can't touch them, taste them.

That is what our lives have become. We're alive, but we can't touch life, or taste it...for the most part. I mean, we're okay, but we are weary. For Jim, it's landing on his heart as hopelessness, for me, it's more like zombi-life. Did someone eat my brain?

I thank God that for the past 2 nights, I have been at the lodge. I had to check out today. I have no hotel or anything. And it's probably mainly because of me. I could have called the social worker to see if there is any way I could stay another day, or call priceline to see if I can get something cheaper than the standing rate--despite their not doing that lately--and I can even drive 1.5 hours to our cousin's house. But I just don't want to. I have no energy, desire, whatever it is, to do it. If Jim stays longer, I will find a chair somewhere in the hopt. and sleep there. Or I'll sleep in my car. I have no clean clothes. There is a washer and dryer around. But I just don't have the care to wash the laundry here. I'll wear my dirty clothes. I really don't care. I don't stink. So what does this all mean? Well, today it means, I just can't do this anymore. But I'll keep on doing it, but I care less and less. I just want to be home looking at my pretty daylily's. I had a friend suggest that some day I will enjoy looking at a raindrop for a half hour. Heck I would do that now, if I could stay home long enough to do it. I don't want the world. Just my bed, to stop coming here, and for Jim to stop being sick.

Yesterday we stood at the window of his room looking out. Jim said, "what are you looking at?" I said, "Freedom." I ask him what he's looking at or thinking of, and he says, "nothing."

And I scoff when people say...oh never mind.

I just can 't stand to not be home in my garden, in my pool, in my kitchen eating at least once decent meal a day.

Okay, I'm done. the pity party isn't over, but I see some guests are leaving, so...