2 a.m. mind ramblings

HI there:

Yeah. I can't sleep without my Jumbo. I laid there, and it felt too much like what it would be without him. So I prayed a bit, cried a bit, and came to shut off the computer. But I saw footprints in the snow. Someone else cutting through my yard. I hate it. It scares me. And I checked my e-mail.

My friend e-mailed me and said she understood my "worse case scenario" (WCS) type of thinking, but she misunderstood some of it, and I thought some of you may have too, so I thought I would clarify for her and anyone else out there.

There is a very real possibility that my Jumbo will not survive this cancer. And when signs point that way, I like to be ready for the ride, the WCS. How I get ready is by putting my seatbelt on. I am then strapped to my Jesus. I feel anxiety about it, yes. Mainly because I’m wired that way. 47 years old, and I still bite my nails like a little girl. And I’ll feel some sadness. But I DO NOT feel abandoning despair, extreme fear, a shaking in my boots. I have been there, and my world didn’t end. Jesus said he would never leave me or forsake me. He is trustworthy. I really really do know that. Sometimes I have to remind my feelings about that, sure. But after my emotional pendulum stops swinging, I’m always okay.

Also, I only entertain highly possible WCS’s, not an every-possible-thing-in-the-world type of WCS that can happen. Gosh, I would have ulcers or heart problems. I don’t spend the whole day, day after day, thinking things like I bet I have cancer, or I’m going to get robbed, or I’m going to end up homeless, or I’m not going to make it, or I'm not going to have any insurance, etc.

And I can be very optimistic, too. But that doesn't come out nearly as much as the negative stuff. First off, this is our journey through cancer blog. Not a tiptoe through the tulips trek. But still, I think about the negative stuff coming out, and I think this is why. First, I feel my feelings out loud. It clears my mind. As I hear myself speak, later on into the day, I work through it. Over and over again…Year after year sometimes. But I want to get better, and it’s the best way that works for me. Pretending and wearing masks don’t do it for me either. It’s very hard for me to wear masks. I know that there are people reading this blog who think I am ridiculous. Guess what :-P~~~~~~~~~~~~ on that. I know I could just type fluffy platitudes and be polite and speak churchianity and say things so that everyone would think I’m wonderful. But the truth is people, I’m not wonderful. I’m a wonderful sinner. And I don't want to stay that way. And when I bring all this crap out into the light. Jesus can shine His light on it. And then he mops it up, and I’m a smidgeon cleaner afterwards. And yeah, I may have some who judge me. And I have many who love me. And they are the ones I seek.

Another wrong thing I do sometimes is as I am sharing my trials and burdens, I find myself wanting pity. And this is NOT good. And this wanting pity, makes me bellyache more, despite the fact that every single day through out this horrible mess, I find some great goodness in each day, one way or another. I think the main reason I can fall into the bellyaching pity thing is because this is so hard to walk alone, and I want someone to hurt like I do. Not because I want that someone else to hurt like me, but I don’t want to have to carry it all myself or feel it all myself. But the truth is, no one else can feel this as badly as Jim and I. Not even close. And that’s good. I wouldn’t want to have to feel your pain as sharply as you do either. We all have enough of our own.

And another thing is that is really has been crazy, and I don't know how to spin it into anything more than what it is. And it's been a real pain in the ( Y ) (that's supposed to look like a butt).

I think the other thing I seek through my bellyaching is validation. And I want more than, “wow this is tough stuff, Dolly.” I guess I want to know that I am okay just the way I am. Almost like seeking your approval. But why? Why? Oh who the heck knows. It’s 2:30. LOL. I'm going to bed.

Good night.