Ya know, all along I've been wanting Jim's labs to go to the NCI to see about a trial, and they have always got waylaid by one doctor or another, or one thought or another, including the whole Cleveland Clinic trip, and the trip to the the doctor here for the SCT, which turned out to be no good either. Particuarly since the Cleveland Clinic didn't start looking at the slides either...not that they could do anything. But I wanted Jim's slides sent to NCI 4 months ago, and I should just insisted. I actually did, but was told the way we went was the way we should go. And when I said, let's send them to NCI, I was told, go to Cleveland Clinic and...
Didn't I find a Phase II trial at Bethesda MD, specifically for Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma that Jim would fit into. And now he's too sick to make the journey, and his slides are in Cleveland.
I know I didn't stump God with this. Or heck, maybe God stumped me. Maybe he just didn't want us down there. I don't know. Well, wait. if he wanted me there, I would be there, right? Just another thing to hurt my heart. I did what Dr. L wanted, what Dr. C wanted, what Dr. C wanted and Dr. L, and Dr. D, brother Joe, brother Bill, and Jim. But I didn't do what I wanted. Now, I have another reason to hurt.
Not that this new drug would have worked for Jim. But this was specifically for Jim's type of cancer, which is so very rare. And, when one is out of hope, well, geeze. The odds we were given with ESHAP and MINT weren't all that great.
I won't beat myself up too long, cause I know God is in control. But I know that I have written my own script for the past year, and have not sought after God for every detail. Why didn't I write that into my script like I had wanted to. Darn, I'm mad at myself.
This leads me to the whole God's will questions, and sovereignty. MATT....I HAVE QUESTIONS....MANY
Gloria
4 comments:
Hey Dolly,
It was great to spend time with you and with Jim today. It was neat to see the way that you and Jim care for each other so deeply. We will be remembering you both in prayer. I look forward to talking again soon.
Love
Matt
Okay, I'll preface by saying that if the situation was reversed I would be doing the same thing as you are doing and now I'll say...don't do it!
Remember that God is ultimately in control, and yes, if He wanted you there, you would have been there. Remember that while we see the terrors before us now, we aren't able to see the untold terrors of what has not come to pass. Who knows what that trip would have brought you and Jim? While it may not seem that things could be worse, we know that they always could.
Don't live in the past, don't live in the future...remember?!
I love you and am praying against the darkness overwhelming you.
Stay in His love...and continue to cast your cares, doubts, fears, and frustrations on Him...for He cares for you (satariano paraphrase :-).
May you find a bit of peace tonight.
Love,
K
i don't know you at all, but i don't need to. I'm praying for you, and Jim tonight....because i would want someone who happened across my blog to do the same for me.
HE is our hope, our strength, our portion...and yet how hard it is for us to see how perfect His will is. We struggle, and wrestle, and most times end up flat on our backs. So we pray. HARD.
Thanks Matt. Me too. I'm piling the questions up. ;)
I love you, too Kristen. So glad I found you.
And Anonymous. Well, I love you, too. You seem to be related kindredly, or you just have the walking with Jesus limp, too. Anyways, thanks for allof your encouraging words.
Gloria
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