Rachel, my dearest friend, posted a long replay to my last blog, where she mentions how hard it is to hear what God is doing... Um, yeah.
Has everyone heard about the story about the dad and his autistic son who was swimming by Daytona Beach in the evening and got swept away? This just happened a few days ago. Well, the son doesn't respond to much, but loves Disney movies, so the father kept saying..."to eternity" from Buzz Light-year, or something on that order. And they tread water and it got dark. And "to eternity" got farther and farther away, until the dad and son could not hear each other anymore. They were out there through the night. No one knew if they were dead or alive, but they were searched for.In the morning the father was found. AMAZING...TREADED WATER ALL NIGHT. He went with the coast guard to continue the search for the son, but wanted to be downstairs of the boat, as he didn't have the heart to see his son "bobbing face down in the water." A while later, he is told that another boat has found and picked up his son...Alive. This autistic boy treaded water all through the night too. That story warmed my heart for that family. That poor boy and his family.
If their family were christians, they got some people to pray quick, within 18 hours, through the night, how many were praying. 20? 60? 100? If they did pray, their prayers were answered in a yes response.
Jim has been sick for over a year. He's on more prayer lists that I can imagine. People I don't even know have fasted for him. And not only can't we hear what our Father in Heaven is saying to us about the big life or death issue, but he's quiet on other issues, too. And not helping me out. For instance yesterday, I spent 5 hours finding Jim's lab that West Penn Hopt mess up, tracking them down, trying to get them to National Cancer Institute. Today that is all cancelled out. God, you knew that. Okay, you don't want to save our lives? How about a heads up to "don't waste your time down that rabbit trail." (Jim say's I'm gushing again.)
Now I'm to do down the Cleveland Clinic rabbit trail again, and I can't get a correct answer from anybody. God, I'm asking you for a little thing. You don't have to keep me treading in water for 10 hours, just have someone who knows something answer the phone, so I don't get wrong information...again.
God, why couldn't you have spared me days of useless legwork. And since this has started. There have been many many days of that stuff. I couldn't begin to bore you readers.
So, I'll wrap this up. God, you can keep 2 people alive in the waters all night long, and I'm so thankful to you for doing that. That delights my soul. But we could just use a touch. If you don't want to heal us, can you just tell us? Or at the very least, tell us to rest and stop our trying. What hopt. do we go to? Can you spare me 4 hours of leg work if it's all for not? Did my dad have to be expelled from that one nursing home to have to go to another that is double in cost, right in the midst of all of this? Does the Lincare people, for my breathing treatment have to show up exactly at the same time that our Oncologist calls this morning? And I can go on and on God. I'm sorry. I don't get you.
Here's the part that makes me, well, kind of sad, about my relationship with God. I walk closer to him as I grow through grief. I trust him more as I grow through grief. I get a bigger picture of his bigger picture through life's grief. But lately, personally, the relationship is almost robotic. Even the "jumping in his lap" "imagining myself in the palm of his hand" is sort of robotic. It kind of feels like say, you just had this huge HUGE HUGE fight with your husband. After all the war, you apologize and make up and give each other the tentative hug. You know you love each other, but a little time needs to pass so you can get rid of the uglies and reconnect. (this is obviously years after the honeymoon, where you would immediately run, you know where...) So, there you are, hugging the one you love, but you really just would rather not be around him because even though you know he loves you, it hurts right now to be in relationship with him.
That's how I feel.
I know God that you have hugely revealed yourself and your love to me through this through your people, and I am thankful for it. I get that. And I am thankful for that. I guess I would just rather be on the giving end. LOL.
Anybody wants Jim's Cancer? I'll come and cut your grass, cook, for you, etc. Oh, I might go on vacation and out to dinner for a while, but I'll be back with more love. ANY TAKERS? lol. I didn't think so.
I guess if you were pathetically human like I am, God, you would have asked that same question when you sent your son to the cross, huh? Any takers, you would have asked. Anybody out there without sin who would like to be punished beyond belief? And there were none.
So, now I say yes to your cross. And Jim, I'm not gushing again. I'm moaning again.
But, hey Abba, please, pretty please with sugar on top, could you cut me a break for a day?
2 comments:
I have to admit I struggle with wondering why Uncle Jim isn't healed yet. Yet the Lord has some sort of plan. We have to trust that He knows what He is doing even if we don't always like it. I just hope this is one outcome we as humans like :) I love you both and I am praying.
Love,
Judi
Hello Dear Lady... As I was reading your post, I could almost feel your pain, sorrow and your disappointment that you haven't any clear answers or directions from God.
Let me admit first that I am not where you are in your walk down this cancer path, but I have a couple of things to share with you that have been shared with me as I was dealing with the realization that Sam would never be free from pain from his back injury and that our lives had changed forever. My friend Maria lovingly helped me to face the truth of our situation. One of the things I remember Maria saying to me was that I needed to "listen" before God and "be quiet before Him". Let me tell you, that is a really hard thing to do. It's almost like you have to try to stop your own streaming head noise to be able to listen to what God has to say. Try it. You may find it as hard as I did to shut off all the thoughts and just really listen for His voice.
One of my favorite books of the Bible is Ephesians and this scripture passage came to mind:
Eph 1:16 I Give praise without end for you, keeping you in mind in my prayers;
Eph 1:17 That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him;
Eph 1:18 And that having the eyes of your heart full of light, you may have knowledge of what is the hope of his purpose, what is the wealth of the glory of his heritage in the saints,
Eph 1:19 And how unlimited is his power to us who have faith, as is seen in the working of the strength of his power,
Eph 1:20 By which he made Christ come back from the dead, and gave him a place at his right hand in heaven,
Eph 1:21 Far over all rule and authority and power and every name which is named, not only in the present order, but in that which is to come:
Eph 1:22 And he has put all things under his feet, and has made him to be head over all things to the church,
Eph 1:23 Which is his body, the full measure of him in whom all things are made complete.
Hank Hanigraff was talking about healings the other day on his program and he said that Jesus performed miracles and healings to establish who he is and the authority he had. He doesn't need to do that today because his authority has already been established by his death and resurection. Before hearing that program I had felt (and still have sometimes) the same feelings you expressed in this post and even shared them with Sam {you know, does God really even hear our prayers; what's the point of praying if God doesn't ever answer, etc} That's when Sam told me that praying calms him. And the reference to the oars of the canoe that Thelma told me about really brought that home for me. So I guess what I'm saying here is that I had to accept Sam's condition (then and now) and realize that Sam belongs to God and I need to just rest and be quiet before God and wait for his direction. I still pray for healing and a miracle, and try to remember how God responded to Job - here's a snippet:
Job 38:1 And the Lord made answer to Job out of the storm-wind, and said,
Job 38:2 Who is this who makes the purpose of God dark by words without knowledge?
Job 38:3 Get your strength together like a man of war; I will put questions to you, and you will give me the answers.
Job 38:4 Where were you when I put the earth on its base? Say, if you have knowledge.
Take heart. Hang on. Nothing is impossible with God, but it is his kingdom and he's in control.
Maddy
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