I have figured out the answer to a question I didn't ask. I just assumed that my lifelong struggle in the prayer department is what was causing this anguish or despair that has slowly been creeping in my heart day after day....growing, growing, growing.
But it's not. I realized that each day this week brings Jim and I closer and closer to Monday, chemo day. And I know what is awaiting him for the next 15 days. And what is awaiting me.
Knowing this, doesn't take away this deep deep sadness about Monday, but it does show me God's mercy and love.
It's amazing how quickly I jump to assuming that I am doing something wrong spiritually and therefore are paying a spiritual price for my unbelief or shallow prayer life or....__________(fill in the blank if you can relate. Why don't I just simply think this? I struggle with prayer, yes, but I have a passion for God's word and it excites me above all else. I know what it says about God's love and His character, and my flesh, so what is going on? And then line my feelings up with truth.
Oh, I always end up there. I just wish that were my starting place.
It's a tired out recovery cliche, but one that I have always loved. If God reveals it, God heals it.
Thank you God.
G & J
1 comment:
Precious Jim and Dolly,
We pray that this time with chemo is a lot easier than the last has been. Please let us know how it goes.
As an encouragement Dolly, Gary experiences fellowship with God through the word. He doesn't neglect prayer but his passion and focus is certainly more on being close with God through study of the Bible. Maybe you are wired spiritually more like Gary. For me, prayer comes very naturally and very regularly but that is all part of my gifting. I wish I was more a student of the word and look longingly at people like you and Gary. We all have the areas of fellowship with God that come more easily than other areas. Enjoy your communion with Jesus through reading your Bible without allowing the enemy to pile on heaps of condemnation.
We love you both and continue to pray.
Rachel
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